Spoof news snippets from Friday 12 February 2010
Terminal 6 protestors livid
Heathrow Airport = Warpath Hero Riot
Petty pyramid scheme argument?
Heathrow Airport = Trite Pharaoh Row
More upmarket than Gatwick?
Heathrow Airport = Aha, Worthier Port
Son of Sam qualms
Yorkshire Ripper = Proper Heir Risky
Yorkshire Ripper = Kipper Heir Sorry
Virus annoys famous rehab
Yorkshire Ripper = Herpes Irk Priory
Dangerous around the edges
Yorkshire Ripper = Or Periphery Risk
More sinned against than sinning?
Saddam Hussain = Diss A Sad Human
Run for cover!
Saddam Hussain = Maid's Anus Dash
Flithy little pervert!
Saddam Hussain = Had Sadism Anus
Downcast about all that nakedness
Sadam Hussain = Aha, Sad Nudisms
Tortured over The Mirror's headlines?
Saddam Hussain = Had A Sun Sadism
Kinda lachrymose PR guy after forgetting the teriyaki sauce!
Saddam Hussai= Sad Sushi Ad Man
His water nymphs got the big numbers
Saddam Hussain = Naiads Had Sums
American Handmaid's Tail/Tale?
Saddam Hussain = US Handmaid Ass
Rejected Swiss cultural movements
Saddam Hussain = A Dadaisms' Shun
President Reassues Haitians
Haiti will not die, President Rene Preval insists. And even if we do, we still be zombies.
Rookie traffic cop in Little Rock, Arkansas stops weaving car for breath analyzer, walking straight line, stool and urine samples.
Chatting up the hookers
Adolf Hitler = Ho Flirt Deal
Arkansas # 54
18-Year-Old McDonald's Worker in Maggoty, Arkansas all over county sheriff's ass for spilling cola on the counter
Brain was brimming with rubbish
Adolf Hitler = Rot Fill Head
Adolf Hitler = Oh, Ill-Farted
New Act To Legalise Concubine Relationships
Rumours circulating social networking sites are backing a Valentine's Day proposal from electro pop singer song writer Little Boots to 80's legend Gary Numan who is supporting Labour's UK Polygamy Act
Website Nuisance: Sign Language Needed
Adolf Hitler = Hi, Deaf Troll
Nothing funny about his annexation of Sudetenland...
Adolf Hitler = A Droll Thief
Clung on to the lemon sponge pudding, the creme caramel, etc
Adolf Hitler = Hold A Trifle
Yeah, with a lot of nasty Aryan Brotherhood nonsense!
Adolf Hitler = Filled Torah
Under 'H' for hooker?
Adolf Hitler = Filed Harlot
Local moron was delighted
Adolf Hitler = Thrilled Oaf
Had a flowery tool!
Adolf Hitler = Florid Lathe
Fatal Norwegian lake attraction?
Adolf Hitler = Lethal Fiord
Stole from Uncle Sam
Adolf Hitler = Dollar Thief
They also found his stash of ribeye, sirloin and T-bone
Adolf Hitler = Fillet Hoard
No bathroom in the Berlin Bunker!
Adolf Hitler = Filth Ordeal
Just a lot of foamy spume?
Adolf Hitler = Allied Froth
Incorrigible banter from this fetid old Nazi
Adolf Hitler = Haloed Flirt
He was always dishing the dirt
Adolf Hitler = Filth Loader
Prince Andrew strikes policeman and promises to behead him!
Prince "Randy" Andy struck a policeman with his limo outside the palace doing his duty; He has vowed, "if any other moronic policeman attempts to stop me, i'll have his head off!" Arrogant twat!
Old Diget Was Nuts
An old Memo from J. Edgar Hoover of the FBI says that when he wore a dress, agents were to call him, "Digit Bardot".
Sing of Obama wearing himself out doing speeches and personal appearances as today he recommended that the taxes on dog collars be dropped.
U.S. scientists have announced that they have just discovered some Chinese scientist hiding in lab closet.
Gotten To Third Base
President Obama's US Ambassador to Saudi Arabia reports that his relationship to the king there has gone beyond that of him and Bush holding hands.
Hoover salesman's demonstration shows Arkansas family dozens of braincells in TV room carpet, accumulating over the past 35 years.
Neighbors of Serial Killer thought his behavior in public caused by being raised in Arkansas.
"Well-Digger's Ass Close Behind!"
"Third "Witches Tit" warning about another snowstorm headed for the Northeast this coming week.
"I Have A Dream"
Reid, Pelosi say that President Obama's "I Have A Dream About A Giant Marshmallow" speech in North Carolina last week was right up there with the Gettysburg Address.
Gore kicked in the nuts by farmer as he goes to lectern to speak about Global Warming hits High C Levels!
The "We Are You Gang"
Identity theft ring still trying to come out with a catchy name so they will become famous.
Helen Keller had 20/20 vision
Helen Keller's diary was found in at a yard sale in Intercourse Pa. today. On page one it states, I can see and hear just fine. I just like all the attention
Limbaugh Sees Shadow
Rush Limbaugh sees his shadow. Six more years of teeth grinding for democrats.
Nobody's Laughing But Reid, Pelosi
Obama: "We could make billions of dollars by adding $1 to each pack of cigarettes. I say we ask smokers to cough it up! I said, we ask smokers to cough it up! Why have all of you turned against me?"
No Plans On Iran
Vice President Joe Biden says the US will not blow up Iran's nuclear facilities right at this time. "Wait a minute.... OK..now we have!
Snows Piling Up
Snow and ice continue to hit the whole Eastern US, Britain. Meanwhile, The Human Torch just sits on his lazy ass.
President Obama: Social Security will hold up until 2050 if we take away $5 per month every year.
Old testament training for Hull's flood victims
Drenched homeowners in Hull were shocked to hear suggestions from local councillors to 'learn the lessons from the past' as they were urged to re-read the ordeals of Noah in lieu of hardship payments.
Celebituaries: Alexander McQueen
Paramedics arrived on the scene and pronounced McQueen fashionably late. Although he came out of the closet in a body bag by Versace, the clothing innovator will now be limited to a wooden overcoat.
Celebituaries: Walter Frederick Morrison
The inventor of the frisbee has died, aged 90. He is hoping to come back as a boomerang.
Dems Become Loony Bat-Sh*t Party . . . again
Today the Democratic Party reorganized itself as the "Loony Bat-Sh*t Party". Its first act will be to ban oxygen use, birthday clowns, and heterosexual sex, as well as to place a heavy tax on lint.
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism: "Boss Hogg hisself is coming here."
No Sports Cut
University slammed for dropping pre-1700 UK history from syllabus just one week after budget cuts. "Next time we receive we're teaching only events after 2000."
Something's Going On In There
£1million cannabis plantation found inside former high street bank as police observe customers still making cash deposits.
Ticket Targets Still On
Parking warden vultures 'still given ticket targets' of seven per day, discovered pushing cars into no-parking zones.
Two Cases Decided
Christian British Airways employee sent home for wearing cross loses appeal over religious discrimination. Muslim prayers in middle of aisle Ok'd
Go Ahead, Punk!
'Decent middle-aged man' spared jail after stabbing teenager who attacked him in his own home..yard..basement..in attic.at neighbors house next door and police station.
Caught In The Acts
Caught in the act! Doctor installs CCTV to catch stalker ex-lover attacking her car, crapping on doorstep.
Press Secretary Gibbs in Fishnets
White House Press Secretary Gibbs donned a pair of fishnet stockings and came to his daily press briefing singing show tunes today. Reporters thrilled to his rendition of "Hello, Dolly!"
Be Silent And Submit
Vicar outrages congregation by telling women to 'be silent and submit to your husbands'. Husbands tell wives it's OK to moan a bit.
Flaw Needs Corrections
'Flaw' in chip and PIN 'means thieves can use cards without needing security code'. Identity thieves told to return cards immediately.
Jobs For Afghan
Expert says What Afghanistan needs: job creation. Complete idiot: Same here!
Delta adding new North Dakota service by adding three helicopters.
Predicting Record Snows
East Coast digs out from storm for record books, as record books buried under snow for now.
Genes Linked T-To St-Studdering
Scientists find first genes linked to stuttering through early cases of the Swine stutterers, such as Porky Pig.
Mumps On The Rise
Mumps outbreak in NY, NJ tops 1,500 cases. Authorities first thought it was normal fat jowls.
DNA suggests even ancient man had baldness issues. "Plenty of hair everywhere but on their heads", says scientist.
Feds No Help!
Feds pass on surest solution to Asian carp advance. Learn to love their taste.
Shed Some Light
NASA launches observatory to study sun. Still looking for a safe place to land.
Shell employee list leaked to environmental groups, as Environmentalist linked to Shell Oil Company.
Wide But Thin
Obama strategy widens assault on terrorists as we now have 1,000 troops in 100 countries.
Talks Going On?
US and Afghan troops ring Taliban stronghold. Ask to talk with the head Taliban through secretary.
Eurozone recovery falters, Germany flat, French full of hot air.
Tax This Captain Healthcare!
Marvel Comics' depiction of anti-tax protesters inspires anger, apology. Also for using the "R" word.
Marines push 'The Breacher' against Taliban lines. Taliban ready with catapults.
Lots Of Skeptics
Democrats skeptical health care summit is answer. Complain that Republics too skeptical.
Also, 300 UFO's
Iran supreme leader lauds state rally, warns West that they now have 200,000 nuclear missiles.
Clinton Doing Better
Bill Clinton leaves NYC hospital with 25 new nurses cellphone numbers after heart check-up.
Too Much Snow
Schools concerned about making up missed snow days, may have to do double shifts.
Switching To Beer
Salt supplies running low, as many shut-ins from weather hit the margaritas.
Jury awards $12 million to woman with brain injury. Uses thousands as toilet paper, pick up dog poo.
U.S. successfully tests airborne laser on missile launched at us from somewhere.
Three New Breeds
3 new breeds to be showcased at Westminster show, with the Greypoodle looking the strangest.
Here's Your G.W.
Schools close as South starts getting rare snow. Mayors sending truckloads to dump on Al Gore's acres.
Clinton in health scare
Former US President "Slick Willy" Clinton has had a stent placed in his penis to enable him to "get it up" when the occasion calls. Those Haitian women really demand a lot from American "wanna be's".
Indiana-made Humvee, Indianapolis Colts, could soon be Army, football relics?
Kennedy's Final Leaving
Rep. Patrick Kennedy's decision not to seek re-election will leave Washington without a Kennedy in political office for the first time since first congress after 1792.
Marvel Comics Flub
Marvel Comics' depiction of anti-tax protesters inspires anger, apology, possibility of riots in the street.
Wheels Of Justice
Sleuths unravel 16th-century Italian murder mystery. Arrests expected soon.
Links to Spirituality Found in the Brain, taught in the Bible for thousands of years as "spirit in man".
Marines push 'The Breacher' against Taliban lines as they fire and bomb from their side.
Trouble In Toyotaland
Toyota to expand disclosure amid pressure on CEO. Admit there's also a problem with motors, steering and flip overs, but that's all.
Dems Ax Bill
Senate Dems ax bipartisan jobs bill. Want Democrats hired first.
Eurostar train breaks down in cold weather
Eurostar trains to and from Disneyland kept breaking down in the cold weather Scot Montgomery Scott said "we cannae beam people out if they are stuck in the tunnel the train Disney work in winter.
VP Biden's Accomplishments
Vice President Biden took credit for winning the Iraq war, troop drawdown and placing condom machines in all the ladies rooms on Capitol Hill!
Toyota's Political Problem
House Speaker Pelosi's Prius has a steering problem that causes it to pull to the far left, thus tying up the flow of traffic on Capitol Hill.
Snow, Snow, Snow
Snow has paralyzed Washington DC, such that the federal government is shut down. Citizen groups have rented snow making machines to be employed around the US Capitol & the White House until November.
Reducing Childhood Obesity
Harry says "When I was a kid we walked 10 miles to school through 3 feet of snow, barefoot carrying 10 pounds of books. Eliminate school busses to reduce childhood obesity, save money & be green."
No S**t Sherlock
President Obama says that green technology is not ready and we must rely on traditional forms of energy for a long while! Engineers have been trying to tell this to Democratic left wing liberal loons!
More about Snow
The snow storm of 2010 dumped about 24 inches in Baltimore MD. Joe the snow shoveler recently said "he only got 6 inches!"
Lost in the Woods
President Obama says he is not an ideo-log! Then why is the president's legislative agenda so il-log-ically left wing?
Left wing Liberals Bolt Democratic Party
Far left wing liberals bolt the Democratic Party and form the far out overzealous liberal socialist (FOOLS) party. Conservative Democrats and Republicans now rule the US House and US Senate.
I Can't Hear You
Press Secretary Gibbs defended why the president has not gone on TV to denounce the Iranian regime for civil rights violations & support the protesters; President Obama has had laryngitis for a year.
President Obama sent Presidential Press Secretary Gibbs out to local pharmacies to buy all the band-aids he could get for the health care bills, prior to the meeting with Republican leaders.
Democrats Develop Amnesia
President Obama & Senate Democrats believe the president should make recess appointments. Amnesia is rampant, as Obama & the same Senators railed against former President Bush for such appointments!
The elitist Obama administration cannot seem to connect the dots on anything! Yet, they want people to believe climate change is real by connecting 100,000 years of non-existing dots.
Another Hat in the Ring
Pat Paulsen's son, Monty Paulsen, is preparing for a 2012 election run for the White House. President Obama, Sarah Palin and both major party officials could not be reached for comment.
Additional Research is Required
Chocolate pistachio brownie bars; doughnuts & licorice; chili peppers; & guacamole may stimulate sexual activity. A smiling group of researchers will now develop metrics based on extensive testing.
Why the Obama Administration Canceled Moon Landings
The GAO indicated that the Obama Administration canceled future manned moon landings because the same software engineers that designed Internet Explorer won the new shuttle contract.
Typical Bureaucratic Logic
To fight childhood obesity, 2010 census takers will check refrigerators and kitchen cabinets and then confiscate designated items. Contraband food will be shipped overseas to feed starving children!
The IRS Changed My Life
Dottie says "The IRS took my Bra & panties because I couldn't pay my taxes. Thank you IRS, I am now a pole dancer making more money than some IRS agents. In fact I see a few of them at my club!"
Mother Nature's snow job has paralyzed Washington DC. However, Democratic House Speaker Pelosi's liberal left wing snow job has been doing that for several years.
Right wing groups to stop spending money on challenging the National Organization of Women (NOW) & Planned Parenthood. Whenever these left wing organizations speak, they shoot themselves in the foot!
Liberal Leave Policy
During the recent Washington DC snow storm, a liberal leave policy was available for government employees to take time off. Conservatives had to come to work!
US Justice Department indicts several civil rights organizations for violating Constitutional rights of 330 million Americans, while defending rights of criminals, terrorists and child molesters.
Health Care Reform Revisited
Conservative Democrats & Republicans have taken over both Houses of Congress. They then agreed, while televised by C-SPAN, on a bipartisan Health Care Bill that President Obama refuses to sign it!
A mounted posse has run the last Democratic left wing liberal out of the state of Texas. The last visual observation was that of a horse's butt heading west to California!
Is there an amateur in the White House? President Obama has heard this and plans to appear on "American Idol" and when in the UK "Britain's Got Talent," where he will sing a duet with Susan Boyle.
U.S. to recall 1,000 defective drones if any left that went astray. Issues apology for those innocent that we hit.
Officials seek policy change after tunnel beating. From now on, hoodlums must beat up people outside of tunnel, say officials.
Don't say "mental retardation", the new term: "intellectual disability." No more Asperger's syndrome, call it a mild version of autism instead. And these idiots wasting our time- "Mental Pygmies.'
Ancient Greenland has a DNA surprise: Surprisingly, the long-dead man found there appears to have originated in Siberia. Of course, this could be a slave or lucky head taken there by Vikings.
East Coast digs out from storm for record books as cries come from everywhere for global warming to begin.
Exercise For Oldies
London to open 1st exercise area for older people, with volunteers to help any yelling "I've fallen & I can't get up."
Freeze Heating Up
Climate-Change Debate Is Heating Up in Deep Freeze. Experts: Whether it's colder or warmer or the same, it indicates global warming.
Republicans Plain Mad
Republican leaders in House, Senate say that any person that Obama may get to nominate for the Supreme Court in the future is an idiot.
Country Joe Again
Country Joe and The Fish to rerecord "Zing Went The Strings Of My Carp"
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism: "It's cattle manure, not cow shit!"
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism: "Have your 14-year0old wife to keep them kids out of the road!"
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism: "Remember, 'cotton-picking' is a verb, not an adjective."
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism: "Be sure to chain the family idiot when a stranger approaches."
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism: "Now don't Ya'll be calling them all "Chester".
Hilton, Madonna Sign
Paris Hilton, Madonna sign long term contract to stay in the news headlines for something outlandish.
Phil Too Fat
Punxsutawney Phil too fat to get back in hole during snowstorm. Predicts six more months of snow unless they get him back in his bed.
Health Care Again
Republicans finally respond to Obama call for healthcare reform. Vote to slash billions from programs until job improvements to pay for it.
Now Obama Doesn't 'Begrudge' Millions in Bonuses for 'Savvy' Bankers...politicians.
U.S. would reap billions from $1 cigarette tax hike. Ten billions from $2 cigarette tax hike. Decide to allow cigarette companies to go back advertising.
Do It Yourself!
Berlin and Paris urge backing for Greece. Other's say, "DO IT then!"
Obama On Obesity
Michelle Obama announces 'obesity' a threat to national security. "Your big ass can be seen from space!"
Peak Or Peek
Iconic 'Hollywood' sign to be replaced by environmental message.."Save The Peak". Maybe they mean "peek!"
Byrd Has Flown
West Virginia's Senator Robert Byrd's 'Inner Child' dies at 78, due to being ignored.
San Diego Zoo says, "Come out and see all the beautiful animals we have behind bars caught and will spend the rest of their lives behind bars or in cages!"
Head Of Chicken Dept.
Wanted: Chicken beheaders. Check telephone book under 'chicken heads' for Tyson Factory in your area.
For Sale: 1973 green and black Ford Pinto. $500. Exploded only once.
For Sale: Tombstone with "Hairy Penis" on it. Little fart quit after designing it. Can you work your name into it? $25
Taco Bell offers free refund if you can score over 100 on the outside fart-o-meter.
Bobby Vee and Adam Lambert to team up and do a remake of "Penis In Blue Jeans".
More Fresh Country Joe & Fish
Country Joe and the Fish reunite to perform, "Salmon Janet Evening, You May Sea A Stinger"
CJ & Fresh Fish
Country Joe and the Fish reunite to perform, "You Don't Send Me Flounders Anymore"
Kanye West receives head injury
Obnoxious rapper Kanye West was injured today when a basketball hit him in the face. West was rushed immediately to the hospital for X-Rays of his head. The X-Rays showed nothing.
Congress Down Too
For the fifth straight day winter weather continues to filibuster congress.
Spoof website back up after repairs (explanation #1)
The editors that be had to blow the dust from their mainframe TRS-80.
Spoof website back up after repairs (explanation #2)
Those responsible have been sacked (except for the llamas). Have you seen the fjords?
Spoof website back up after repairs (explanation #3)
The cheese from Mark's toasted sandwich that he left on the computer melted into his CPU and shorted things out.
Spoof website back up after repairs (explanation #4)
Al Gore blames global warming.
Spoof website back up after repairs (explanation #5)
The squirell's wheel needed new bearings.
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