Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 10 February 2010
Chinese Gold Prices Set To Crash
Prices of Chinese Takeaways are set to soar following news that the price of their Gold is set to tumble. Canny investors are buying and freezing meals to defrost then sell on at 1,000,000% profit!
Northeastern Drops Football Program
After 75 years Northeastern U. is dropping its football program. "It was a close 6-5 vote but it came down to either dropping football or cutting professors salary in half", says Dean.
Prince Harry On Iraq
"What are us English coming to if we can't have a bash at anyone without questions been asked?" The Prince continues "When I am zee King I vill show zem who iz de Man, itz inz minze genze youze zee!"
British Met Office warns of more snow
No kidding - the Met Office should use their supercomputer to design better bed pans and flip-flops.
Contents of Gordon Brown's tortured mind must be revealed
Top judges rule.
Happy lentils only here!
Buckingham Palace = Ban A Glum Chickpea
Strictly for the birds, this one
Buckingham Palace = A Bank Chic Plumage
One's rather pleased at this mistake from Coutts!
Buckingham Palace = A Bank Hiccup Gleam
Buckingham Palace = Clinch A Makeup Bag
Charles's lost all his dosh down the bookies...
Buckingham Palace = Chuck: A Gamble Pain
Some royal dromedary!
Buckingham Palace = A Hubcap Camel King
Big Cat's a troll!
Buckingham Palace = Cable Hacking Puma
Queen's really a Wiccan
Buckingham Palace = A Pagan Umbel Chick
Fidel Castro's won the local drinking competition!
Buckingham Palace = Cuba Ale Champ King
He's On Facebook
Facebook addict actually thinks people give a shit about his old photo of Aunt Purty and him when he was three.
On tonight's menu...
Buckingham Palace = A Chip/Gnu Clambake
New Orleans Proud
New Orleans points out that not only did they win the Super Bowl but that they are the only major city whose streets are always sterilized by fresh alcohol heaves.
Wiccan lip gets the one-over
Buckingham Palace = Pagan Labium Check
Royal Variety Show for Prince of Whales?
Buckingham Palace = Nice Humpback Gala
Running a cretin from the tabloids
Buckingham Palace = Manage Public Hack
No Such Thing
President Obama says that one thing that Bush did that kept people settled and not forming Tea Parties was that they had no fear of nuckular weapons.
Fishy tales, the one that got away!
Buckinghasm Palace = Chub Lake Campaign
Royal four poster?
Buckingham Palace = Magical Cheap Bunk
Chew on this, queenie!
Buckingham Palace = Banal Chickpea Gum
New Poll Results
Latest Poll: Most citizens of Afghanistan prefer democracy over death by a wide 10-1 margin!
Secret Cult Shags A Victoria Sponge!
Buckingham Palace = Cabal Humping Cake
People Rescued From Housetops
According to "Breaking News" on TheSpoof, there's been a really bad hurricane hit New Orleans!
Bet he's a rugby player!
Buckingham Palace = Capable Magic Hunk
Watch For This!
One way to tell if your hotel room has been kept clean, says expert, is to see if the mice and bedbugs run for their life when you open the door.
999 call to the abbatoir?
Buckingham Palace = Pig Hack Ambulance
Beijing mollusc and mutt chowder?
Buckingham Palace = China Pug Clambake
Best One Ever!
Former President says that he still misses his old Hummer while he was in office, behind his desk.
Got it in for the tabloids?
Buckingham Palace = Incapable Mug Hack
B;lame it on a ramparts knee-trembler after closing time
Buckingham Palace = Glum Backache Pain
It's Sidney Or The Bush
Insiders say that President Obama unhappy that Swine Flu didn't knock off many boomers. Social Security just about had it. May asked for volunteers to do without or die off.
This baby hen's playing the South American cornet!
Buckingham Palace = Panama Bugle Chick
Arkansas New State Motto
Arkansas announces their new state motto: "Keeping it in the family since 1836".
John Houston's daughter 'princess of whales'?
Buckingham Palace = Humpback Angelica
They're all morons
Windsor Castle = Was Old Cretins
A game that all the family can play!
Windsor Castle = World As Incest
Customer's big knife?
Windsor Castle = A Client's Sword
Hitler's Nuremberg Rallies?
Windsor Castle = A Crowd Listens
Acres of grass to cut up
Windsor Castle = Lawn Dissector
Anal fissure guaranteed
Windsor Castle = Astride Clowns
Pals of Ronald McDonald's?
Windsor Castle = Disaster Clown
Contorted face before orgasm?
Windsor Castle = Randiest Scowl
Open to massive corruption
Windsor Castle = Dilates Crowns
Also cheated the Mexicans
Windsor Castle = Tacos Swindler
Windsor Castle = Swindles Actors
Windsor Castle = Scrotal Widens
Bunch of yobs
Windsor Castle = Rowdiest Clans
Windsor Castle = Wordless Antic
Something disgusting about this brioche...
Windsor Castle = Lewd Croissant
The Original Sleepy Hollow?
Windsor Castle = Narcosis Dwelt
Mostly a few feral boars
Windsor Castle = Wild Ancestors
This scam needs rubbishing
Windsor Castle = Disown Cartels
Queen Elizabeth's well past her sell-by
Windsor Castle = Old Scrawniest
Pact of Omerta?
Windsor Castle = Silent Cowards
Yellow-livered bastards one and all!
Windsor castle = Enlist Cowards
All that glisters...
Windsor Castle = Cowards' Tinsel
The Queen's dumbass honesty
Windsor Castle = Witless Candor
White Slaver Defends Himself
Member of white slave ring strike back at Pope's Benedict's condemnation. "You're no SAINT, yourself!"
They're so bitter
Windsor castle = Slow Rancid Set
Ferals fast asleep...
Windsor castle = Wildcats Snore
Secrecy about its ramparts!
Windsor Castle = Citadel's Sworn
No Penis Pumps
AlQaida #3 already kicked out of paradise after trying to blow 'himself' up to make former 72 virgins seem like virgins again.
Scientists predict few major medical breakthroughs in 2010, due to all their funding running out. Maybe in using cheap toilet tissue.
What Lies Beneath Still A Mystery
There's just no way of telling with a Burka
New King Novel
Giant spiders in the caves strike Osama Bin Laden and al-Qaida in Stephen King's new thriller, "Iraqnophobia"
Woman Calls Highly Sexed Husband 'Toyota'
"Once he gets going there's no stopping him."
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi still wants to know who put that "Contents may have settled" sign on her back during ABC interview.
Page 2297, Bottom Left Page
Among those things hidden in the President's huge health care bill discovered only yesterday: $90,000 for 50 more hair plugs for VP Biden.
In The Health Care Bill
Among those things hidden in the President's huge health care bill discovered only yesterday: $150,000 for Nancy Pelosi's semi-annual face lift.
Honda recall cars with faulty airbags, they're filled with Helium!
Honda have filled their airbags with Helium and Honda cars involved in crashes have been seen drifting heaven-bound!
All airports have been alerted just in case they meet a 747 on the way!
Anyone Read This Thing!
Among those things hidden in the President's huge health care bill discovered only yesterday: "$200,000 to keep super vitamin/caffeine IV's in Senator Robert C. Byrd of West Virginia.
Are We There Yet?
World's scientists apologize for the invention of time travel delays. "So far, everyone who's been successful has disappeared."
Keep An Eye On Each Other
CIA: Disclosing the spy we have in your neighborhood would weaken our national security.
"What, Me Worry?"
Muslim Extremists Mad over new edition of Mad Magazine with Osama Bin Newman on the cover.
It's The Sea Son!
Country Joe & The Fish reunite to record new album "Fishnets Look Better With Eels".
Sports Illustrated Turned Down Taylor Swift's Request To Be In Swimsuit Issue
They want people who can fill out a bikini, and Taylor can't even fill out a training bra.
Country Joe & The Fish reunite to record "Salmon To Watch Over Me".
Glenn Beck Turns 46 Years Old
No surprise, but no birthday card from the White House.
Brett Favre Announces Six Month Retirement From Football
He may or may not extend that after training camp starts.
Tiger Woods Unhappy WIth Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue Cover
"Damn, she's married!"
Honda, Ford, GM, and Nissan Join Toyota In Recalls
Forget the cash, give me my clunker back!
Katie Price Fears Dying Like Diana.
We say, don't knock it unless you've tried it love!
"Can't make this Up"
Obama's Global Warming agency's Official Opening Press Conference done over the phone because of historic snow fall and blizzard conditions in Washington, DC.
Michael Jackson Still Dead
Legendary pop star Michael Jackson remains dead, despite rumors that he was the messiah.
The First Same-Sex Marriage in United Arab Emirates
And Arabian ambassador got married to a bloke with a beard and was also cross eyed. Damn those niqabs! It was divorce at first kiss.
Another CJ & Fish Release "Upstream"
Country Joe & The Fish reunite to record theme music and song from "The Cod Squad".
Ambassador calls for divorce after veil-wearing Muslim bride reveals a beard, crossed eyes, big penis.
There is no news.
Absolutely nothing is happening right now whatsoever. Details to follow.
Teacher Gets Sentence
Female teacher, 47, who stripped for schoolboy faces jail. Boy faces being called "Old Bugeyes" rest of his school days.
Recovery Will Be Slow
Recovery will be slower than a herd of turtles stories, admits Bank governor Mervyn King.
Very Slow Recovery
Recovery will be slower than stories being posted on TheSpoof, admits Bank governor Mervyn King.
Recovery will be slower than molasses in January...February, admits Bank governor Mervyn King.
Green Thumb, Penis
Horticultural lecturer found murdered in woods 'after her gardener lover found out about ANOTHER gardener!'
Wouldn't Think Of Such a Thing!
Revealed: The REAL reason Labour threw open doors to mass migration in a secret plot to remake a multicultural UK. Say getting more voters registered not the reason.
'The lights went off and the car began to fall': Tourist tells of horror lift ordeal 124 floors up the world's tallest building, turning into a toilet.
Michelin-starred restaurant sees staff storm out after owner says food is 'too poncey'. Wants burgers, fries, chicken nuggets served.
Bunch Of Cheeseheads
400 Cadbury's workers sacked after Kraft confirms factory will close just ONE WEEK after U.S. firm promised to keep it open. Bunnies being "taken care of" at cosmetic factory.
More recalls likely amid caution after Toyota woes. Drivers complain that car won't let them back up when they've missed their exit on freeways.
Of Mobsters & Hamsters
Broadcaster fined over killing a rat on TV show. Three mobsters arrested.
Bound To Happen
First "Bootleg Copies of the Airport body Scanners of the Stars show up.
It's A Little Late
Sin City is paying homage to iconic singers Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin by giving them each a place on the Las Vegas Walk of Stars. Both dug up for hand prints.
Airlines Seeking More Ways To Raise Fares
American Airlines to charge $8 for blankets, $150 for accompanying "hostess".
Worth A Shot
Jay Leno ends his NBC prime-time experiment as detainees taken back to Guantanamo.
Being Bored Bad
Report: Being bored could be bad for your health. Especially if you're suicidal to begin with.
Anti-whalers, Japanese fleet firing stage advances as Anti-whalers hire mercenary pirates.
India's New Weapon Program
India successfully tests nuclear-capable missile under project: "Curry Bomb"!
New Agency Formed
The Obama administration on Monday proposed a new agency to study and report on the changing climate, after first one lied like dogs.
Bank of England expects slow economic recovery. On the other hand, depression would also happen slowly.
Now It's Cruise control
More recalls likely amid caution after Toyota woes. Cruise control fails to prevent Tom Cruise from jumping up & down in back seat.
More recalls likely amid caution after Toyota woes. Older people say car acts up when resting one foot on brake and one on gas pedal.
More recalls likely amid caution after Toyota woes. Drivers claim car becomes unstable while painting toenails.
Driver Can't Think
More recalls likely amid caution after Toyota woes. Now GPS systems arguing with back seat drivers.
Latest Toyota Problem
More recalls likely amid caution after Toyota woes. Next in line, those of automatic left turn signals coming on if driver older than 70.
50 Years Of Fat & Failure
Gov't fitness efforts haven't stemmed kid obesity, from Eisenhower to Michelle Obama. In other words, the TV commercial years.
New Health Bill May Be Passed
Obama would OK health bill minus everything he proposed in it. "Just as long as it is written that I got a health care bill passed", says President.
Endeavour At Space Station
Space shuttle Endeavour pulls in at space station. Has oil rings checked, new wipers.
Especially In Hollywood Area
Storm dumps rain, hail, frogs, brimstone, snow in Southern California
Ukraine vote count shows win for person whose name is impossible to pronounce.
Kenya Relocates Animals
Kenya relocates thousands of animals to game park as several predators need more to eat. Decision comes after several park rangers disappeared last year.
"Then There's Aunt Larry"
Changes proposed in how psychiatrists diagnose. Instead of listening, will talk up a storm.
Consumer Spending Down
New report: Consumers spent modestly in January. Most likely cause: No money after holidays.
Tiger Woods Should Not Remarry?
For many Chinese, the Year of the Tiger promises to roar in more economic prowess and global clout for their country, but couples planning to get married are better off waiting until 2011.
Plenty New Jobs For Village Idiots
Low IQ among top heart health risks, study finds. Village Idiots dropping like flies, says medical research team.
Signs Of Low IQ
Low IQ among top heart health risks, study finds. "Always check out those saying "My brain hurts" or talk about "George & the rabbits", say specialists.
Phantom Companies Making Money
ArcelorMittal posts $1.07 billion Q4 profit! Krigagoatnog Inc accuses them of making up silly name.
Prisoner Tells Of Ill Treatment
Britain discloses secret data on terror prisoner. "They say terrible things about Bin laden and his mother", says prisoner
There Could Be Money Involved
Italy's agriculture minister defended his sponsorship of McDonald's new all-Italian burger Monday amid criticism. "They eat spaghetti & meatballs, don't they?" he replies.
Don't say "mental retardation" - the new term is "intellectual disability." No more diagnoses of Asperger's syndrome - call it a mild version of autism instead. "Shits" should be "Brown outs".
Fat Kids Next Great danger to the U.S.?
a new study suggests that They're big enough to block an exit and yet short enough to trip over.
After Escape From Menal Institute
Sweet Tooth in Children May Be Linked to Alcoholism, Elephant poop, the Cat's pajamas say mad scientists.
I Got Him With A Loafer!
Mystery swirls around George W. Bush 'Miss me yet?' billboard.
Some say yes, some hurl shoes lying beside the billboard.
Honda adds 437,000 cars to global air bag recall as Toyota, Honda continue race on who can recall the most cars.
Homer Simpsons Beer Campaign
Homer Simpson is continuing his campaign to convince everybody that Duff Beer is great.
Labour Loony Death tax
The Labour Loonies plant to introduce a Death Tax
they already take more tax off you than anywhere in the World when you are alive now you will have to cough up £20,000
before you die
Texas town glows in dark
A Texas town thinks it may have been contaminated by the nearby power plant. Everybody is dead and the water glows in the dark, but the EPA has assured the public that this will soon be covered up.
A man who was attempting to walk around the world drowned today.
Big Wrestling Match
Top draw at Madison Square Garden this weekend is wrestling match between Edward "The Body" Scissorhands vs John "Bowlegs" Bobbitt!
Like A Eunuch Before Long
Members of Florida nudist colony want a Mr. Longly out. Thay say he has a huge belly and that the first thing he asks any woman there when they meet him is, "How am I looking today?"
Hoping For Talks
Obama planning date for US pullout of Afghanistan in what he is now referring to as "Operation Beer Conference".
Or Possibly, Never Again?
Nigeria's Vice-President Goodluck Jonathan becomes acting president in place of ailing leader Umaru Yar'Adua, whom Jonathon says "cannot talk right now."
Up Late At Night
John Lawson Kennedy stated that he did not attend his great uncle Ted Kennedy's funeral was because he's not a mourning person.
No Show for Dooty ?
" Any Fool can be a Father ? "
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