Spoof news snippets from Monday 1 February 2010
Obama cancels Moon return project
He's a big fan of the BAFTA nominated sci-fi classic, starring Sam Rockwell, but the wife and kids wanted to watch Alvin And The Chipmunks 2 instead.
"No Child Left Behind" Program to Be Reworked by O'Bomba
Now all enrolled students will be Entitled to a Degree and Schools will be Mandated to give them out.
Beyonce wins 6 Grammys, Kanye West hospitalised
As Beyonce won 6 Grammys, Kanye West was ecstatic and began a frenzied masturbation session, followed by convulsions and foaming in the mouth. He is currently being treated for excessive anxiety.
Osama bin Laden has released another tape today blaming the United States for rabies. Looks like he's either gotten rabies or else, has run out of things to accuse the US of doing.
Arkansas Plans #46
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism: "No more skinny dipping this year, especially under county road bridges."
ABC embarrassed about having to reshoot the final episode of "Lost" after someone misplaces their first takes.
Jigsaw killer admits it's not the first victim
He previously took a sledge hammer to a Rubik's cube when he couldn't solve that either.
Bill Warns Tiger
Friends of Tiger Woods say they can't believe the names of some of the women he's supposedly been seeing. It's gotten to the point that former president Clinton has sent him a "Stay Off" list.
"Get away from me, Oscar!!!"
A cat named Oscar has successfully predicted 50 deaths at a Rhode Island nursing home. It is not known if, or when, he will predict one of his own deaths - he's got 9 to choose from.
'Is it a pelanty?' asks Chris Waddle
'No it's a PENALTY you fuckwit' scream the viewers.
Joe Lieberman says he's thinking about switching parties again. "For some reason, I just love it when someone switches my naked butt."
Clinton On Parties
Bill Clinton: I don't know why they call themselves the Republican Party. A Republican wouldn't know a party if they walked into a room full of drunk, naked people."
David Cameron: Burglars Leave Human Rights at Door
Tory leader, David Cameron has said that burglars leave their human rights at the door. It is alleged that 90% of politicians also leave their human rights at the door, before entering Parliament.
Prince Harry Falls Off Horse While Trying to Mount
The Older Horse, Affectionately named "Camilla" has been known to be a bit feisty and only lets Charles mount from the rear.
Jigsaw Puzzle Murderer fails to fit the pieces!
After topping and slicing his last victim and not being able to put him together again, the Jigsaw Puzzle murderer became so frustrated he dumped a leg in his own rubbish bin, GOTCHA!
Obama Tryiing To Improve Relations
President Obama leaves this week for a 10-day trip to Singapore, China, South Korea, and Japan. Hopes to improve relations with all four plus his mother-in-law.
Claims He Was Possessed By Paul Lynde
Jeopardy apologizes for not cutting drunken contestant's remark, "Alex, I'll take Vibrating Jockey Shorts for $1,000."
First Controversy At Olympic Winter Games
Former East German Women's teams upset courtesty bags for athletes didn't include shaving cream or mustache trimmers.
Michael Jackson's Kids Speak At Grammys
Even Dolly Parton says "hell, they're whiter than me!"
Many Americans Surprised By Grammy Awards
"Were those the Grammys? I thought it was another Michael Jackson funeral or the NAACP Image Awards."
Taylor Swift Turns Eyes In Evening Gown at Grammy Awards
Even Adam Lambert Says "I've got bigger tits and could fill out that dress better."
Taylor Swift Wins Four Grammy Awards
Kanye West did not present any of her awards.
"Where's We Going?"
Man arrested this morning trying to hijack an American Airlines plane this morning turns out to be drunken Delta captain, getting on the wrong plane.
President Cuts Funding
After funds cut for NASA moon mission, President Obama says it'll be cheaper just making another film...maybe one to Mars this time.
No More Snacks?
All major airlines say they may quit offering any meals or snacks to passengers. "They're big enough, already."
Wine Is Fine
Study: One drink per day can help clean arteries. Ten drinks a day can help clean your bowels.
"You Two Again?"
Obama angry at same party crashers sitting around the table with Michelle's mother this morning. Couple tells Obama they used the White House key under the front door mat.
NRA Mad At Obama
The NRA pissed at President Obama over his ban of the private ownership of drones.
Change In $100 Bills
Treasury Department mulling over idea of placing Picasso paintings on US $100 bills. "They're practically impossible to counterfeit", says Secretary of Treasury, Henry Paulson.
Economy: Clear As Mud
Inflation in December leads to fears of deflation in 2010, although stagflation could also hit the nation. Plus or minus 3 percent.
Incidents Few & Far Between
Chupacabras are not likely to tickle the bottoms of your feet, says random generated study.
John Terry doeas a Clinton and admits "I never had sex with that woman!"
Chelsea and England captain John Terry is innocent and never had sex with that Bimbo, "she wanted a baby and I obliged, it wasn't a Clinton 'blow Job' and it wasn't sex either" he claimed!
Military Gay Policy
President still proses doing away with the military's "Don't Ask, We Can Already Tell" policy on gays.
Skipped Union Speech
Many in the south skipped President Obama's 'State of the Union" address. "We're not in the Union", stated Alabama citizen.
But The Kid's Smart
UN panel based claims about disappearing ice from sixth grade student's dissertation, "Is It Hot In Here Or Is It Me?"
First Things First
Facing major deficits, 10% unemployment, Obama to take on college football rules.
Scientist Crack Drugs
Scientists crack HIV/AIDS puzzle for drugs... "It was the only thing we could trade for a fix", says jumpy scientist.
AHMADINEJAD: 'Iran will deliver telling blow to global powers on Feb. 11'. US: Not if you don't surprise "Ground Hog Day Blowout tomorrow."
Hadn't Busted A Guitar In Years
Pete Townsend may miss Super Bowl halftime show with torn rotator cuff.
Too Cold Anyway
Today is 'National sickie day' for Britain as 350,000 molesters, flashers take the day off.
It's An Iranian Stand-Off!
U.S. deploys land and sea-based missile shield in the Gulf to deter attack from Iran. Russia places missile shield in Iran.
Big Freeze Continues
Return of the big freeze as February starts with more snow and temperatures of -7c. Al Gore faces lifetime ban on English soil.
New Study Released
Two-thirds on disability benefits are fit to work, costing taxpayers £500million according to study by "You Rotten Beggers Ltd."
Bag You A Burglar!
'Burglars give up any human rights': David Cameron gets tough on right to defend home. "Call the coroner, not the police."
NHS In A Hurry
500,000 hospital patients sent home too soon every year, some still having rectal thermometers still sticking out butts.
Disputed: Pork Good As Viagra
Argentina's president: Pork is an alternative to Viagra, saying she spent a satisfying night with husband after eating bbq pork. "Not true", states Miss Piggy. "Kermit couldn't hop without his pill."
The Invisible Bowl
Schaub helps AFC beat NFC 41-34 in Pro Bowl, that no one ever watches or cares.
How to be Politically Correct 7
Do not say "Zoo."
SAy "Safely Enclosed Artificial Animal Habitat."
Jackson's 3D A Hit
Jackson's 3-D tribute is a hit at Grammy Awards. "Better than live performance", say many.
Grape, Fish Protectors Clash
Grape growing, fish protection clash in California. Vineyard owners say they are getting drunk and going fishing.
UN climate chief plays down scandals! Claims John Edwards, Tiger Woods, good men at heart.
Paulson says economy recovering, defends bailout. "We should be completely debt free by 2050!"
Never Hurts To Check
WHO urging public to have homes tested for illegal immigrants hiding in attics, crawlspace, basements and under beds.
Obama Axes NASA
Obama axes NASA moon plan in new budget. No more faked moon landing are to be filmed.
Beyonce Takes Home Six
Beyonce takes 6 Grammys, makes history. Kanye West bouncing off the walls.
Forgot Which Vessel He Was On
The Coast Guard says a riverboat carrying 80 passengers ran aground near Portland but no one was injured."We tried to tell drunken captain boat wasn't amphibious."
Wet summer, more demand could create seed shortage. Better call up that local sperm bank right now!
Air Force Makes Mistake
Air Force: Test missile misses its Pacific target and somehow lands in Iran nuclear facilities.
Plane Lands Safely
Officials say a single-engine aircraft made an emergency landing on the New Jersey Turnpike during the morning rush, but no one is injured. But those on plane, in cars, did not smell nice afterward.
Oscar The Cat
Book profiles furry angel of death: Oscar the cat always visited patients at nursing home who were about to die. And, he's outside your door at this moment.
Less Sleep OK
Study shows that healthy adults need less sleep as they age. Bags under eyes considered normal for those over 60.
Help On The Way
Sticky, smelly Bag Balm: Problem-salving for all, especially men with sticky, smelly bags.
Toyota Reassures Dealers
Toyota tells dealers parts on way to fix pedals. "The safety checks are in the mail!"
US Further In Debt
Obama unveils $3.83T budget with massive deficits. "We must think positive", says the President, through tears and shaking chin.
The Face of Angelina Jolie - Ask Men?
1. Can't Throw
1. Taco Bell Store Manager Prospect.
Healthy Adults Need Less Sleep as they Get Older
Hence the never ending do loop tapes of Lawrence Welk.
Publisher Macmillan and Amazon.com Have Dispute about Book Pricing
Former Prime Minister Harold Macmillan returns from the dead and settles the dispute.
Is Taylor Swift Related to Twiggy?
Not Exactly, she's actually just a slice off the ol' Twig. A Very Thin Slice.
How to be Politically Correct 6
Do not say "Dog."
Say "Canine American."
How to be Politically Correct 4
Do not cay "cat."
Say "Feline American."
Left-handedness or ambidexterity a plus. Some experience required be it training or performing. Very long arms a big plus.
Another Monkey Failure
Six month experiment with room full of monkeys and typewriters fails once again, as they manage to type only two of Shakespeare's sonnets.
President Obama who accused Republicans of acting like a bunch of politicians in last week's speech, apologizes.
Sounds Life Col. Flagg On MASH
Lots of confusion in Islamabad as spies accuse counter-spies of being double, triple agents.
Got Use To Them
Study shows that fears of receiving no more penis enlargement e-mails are totally unfounded.
Eight women walk out of new reality show thinking it was "Joe Millionaire" instead of "Joe The Plumber".
Osama Bin Laden spotted in northern Mosul setting money out of an ATM machine.
Who Buys a $ 27,000 Suitcase?
U.S. Government, that's who. All high level appointees need and equivalent to O'Bobma care for their documents and papers.
Big Bang Theory
The US National Debt is approaching $13 trillion and the Gross Domestic Product (GDP) is about $15 trillion. Is this what is meant by anti-matter colliding with matter?
President Obama may become an Isolationist
The president says he is not an ideologue, yet he is pushing "Cap and Trade" after promising to focus on job creation. If the Republicans take over both houses of Congress, he becomes an isolationist.
Massachusetts Message to Republicans
What part of center don't you understand? Right wing ideology tests of Republican incumbents & candidates on social issues, vice solving real problems, will still leave the GOP as Pelosi's doormat.
Party Symbols set the US Election Race in 2010
Democrats are in disarray as the donkey can't seem to flick a left wing bug off its butt. Republicans are ideologically trying to hobble the elephant by putting lots of undo weight on its right foot.
North Korea is to split into North NK and South NK. The two states will be perpetually at war, provide full civilian/military employment, reduce population and be ignored by the rest of the world.
USA, USA, USA
Americans of all political stripes (except a few loons at the political extremes) have come to help in Haiti, along with other countries. We don't give a whit what France or Hugo Chavez has to say!
O'Bomba Wants Retirement Plan for All
One McDonaldyland hanburger per month and one bottle of Vodka to wash it down + O'Bomba Care
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