Spoof news snippets from February 2010
There were 3,807 spoof news snippets published in February 2010. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Austin Morris Recalls Morris Minor
93 year-old Austin Morris living in a nursing home in Somerset, recalls his 1948 Morris Minor."It was a jolly good car which never let me down - 'twas much better than this Japanese stuff," he said.
Katie Price Fears Dying Like Diana.
We say, don't knock it unless you've tried it love!
The Truth About Hulk Hogan and Lady Gaga
83-year old Hulk Hogan's 'Little Hogan' has gotten so small that even Lady Gaga is now saying that she has more down there than he does.
Kia Cars to Be Recalled
Car manufacturer,Kia, have recalled over 2 million cars amidst fears that something will go wrong. Nothing is wrong, BUT it is highly unusual behaviour for the car.
The Biggest Decision In Chile's History
The government of Chile has decided to change the spelling of its name to the more popular Chili.
Britain Has Falklands Defence Strategy In Place
Thousands of trained penguins prepared to repel invasion.
Cheryl Cole Getting Taller
No. Sorry about that. It's the heels. Carry on.
Hey, Remember That Funny Guy With The Weird Red Hairdo?
Conan O'Brien says that he has just received his first unemployment check.
The Extremely Versatile Robin "Hey Look At My Crotch" Williams
Robin Williams will star in The Story of The Monty Python Flying Circus. Williams will be portraying all six parts.
You Are What You Eat
It has been rumoured that Gordon Brown has begun to eat nine bananas a day after being given a book for Christmas called "You Are What You Eat" by Gillian McKeith.
The First Same-Sex Marriage in United Arab Emirates
And Arabian ambassador got married to a bloke with a beard and was also cross eyed. Damn those niqabs! It was divorce at first kiss.
New "Modesty" Hospital Gowns Introduced
New "modesty" gowns are to be introduced into hospitals to prevent the bottom from being exposed and causing embarrassment. However, to do so may involve yards or even acres of extra material.
Cheryl Cole To Make Pop Video With Cristiano Ronaldo
"Anything Shakira can do, I can do better," she says. Why aye.
The Statue of Liberty Did Not Get Her Stimulus Package
In keeping with the ongoing recession, the government will replace the Statue of Liberty's torch with a sparkler.
Kirstie Alley's Spectacular Job Offer
Well it finally happened. The Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey Circus has offered Kirstie Alley a full time job as their circus fat lady.
Leslie Nielsen's 14th Naked Gun Movie
Leslie Nielsen has just announced that he will start filming Naked Gun 14 - The I Forget What Years.
The Frito Bandito Is Coming Back - But Damn!!!
Frito Lay will be re-introducing the very popular Frito Bandito. But they say that in keeping with being politically correct he will ride sidesaddle and munch with a lisp.
In This Climate
Doctor I.C. Cloud from Bristol University is going to be discussing global warming next week, in what is expected to be quite a heated topic.
The French Team Coach Is Very Upset
The coach of the French Olympics team is highly upset because someone forgot all of their country's white flags.
Danish Dog with Nose for Money
Dani$h Cu$tom$ & Exci$e have a new dog named Mullah who can $niff out money in large quantitie$. They bought the dog from $ir Fred Goodwin of Ediburgh, who trained him on hi$ pen$ion money. .
Scientists have finally found out what is wrong with men. The problem lies in the two halves of their brains - The left half has nothing right in it. And the right half has nothing left in it!
Gordon Brown Turns Cannibal
Gordon Brown, is on a health-drive and is eating no less than nine bananas a day. This is PURE CANNIBALISM. Likewise David Cameron is tucking into nuts & Nick Clegg is endulging in Crackers.
What Lies Beneath Still A Mystery
There's just no way of telling with a Burka
Nadal Pulls Out Of Tennis Tournament
Said to be 'still limping' following Shakira video shoot.
Shakira Suffers Dizzy Spell
Still a bit weak at the knees after video shoot with Rafael Nadal.
Ashley Cole Innocent
"He has not seen, or had Cheryl's ring," friend declares.
Cameron Calls Brown 'A Donkey'
"Hee-haw. Hee-haw. Hee-halways calls me that. I have no idea why," brays Brown.
Tesco's REALLY Suck!
A human fly scaled a wall just like Spiderman using just two Tesco vacuum cleaners. A spokesman said: "Eat your hearts out Dyson!"
'Internet Addiction' Causes Depression claim Refuted
Psychologists claim 'Internet addiction' is a major cause of depression. Mark Lowton claims "This is CRAP, I'm a Psychologist too and none of my patients are depressed - they all write for TheSpoof!"
Australian Ice Hockey Player Sent Home
One of the members of the Australian Olympic ice hockey team was disqualified because he refused to get rid of his pet kangaroo.
A 60-year-old Australian grandmother beat off a shark despite loosing 3 pints of blood. At the same time a 70-year-old grandmother in Liverpool beat up a loan shark despite losing 2 pints of stout.
Vodaphone Launch World's Cheapest Phone'
Less than £10 will buy you the 'World's Cheapest Phone' from Vodaphone. However, the calls will still cost 14p/minute or 25,000 Zimbabwe dollars.
Why Don't Tesco Do Something More Useful?
Tesco, have banned a man from carrying his daughter on his shoulders from entering the store - yet they don't forbid old lady for carrying a £100,000 plate from a Royal tea set in a Tesco carrier bag.
"Gordon Brown IS A Big Bully," Says Cameron.
"He once stole my dinner money."
Scotsman Bares all on Live TV
Police have identified a Scottish rugby fan who exposed himself on live BBC TV at the weekend as one of the McDonald clan as he had 2 1/4 pounders!
The FBI & DEA are joining efforts; assigning their agents to a quasi-FBI/DEA enforcement team that targets illegal decongestant pills sales on the black market. The agents will be called Pseudo Feds.
Chris Brown's New Unbelievable First Name
Chris Brown says that due to all of the bad publicity he has been receiving due to his physically attacking Rihanna he has decided to change his name. His new name will be Bobby Brown.
UK Accused Of Torture
Prisoners forced to watch 'Dickinson's Real Deal' on a loop.
Girls! Don't Throw Out Those Old Lacy Undies!
Make them into a lady Gaga mask instead! Say tabloids.
Little Miss Muffet Sat on a Tuffet
And wondered, "How can I find a husband, so that I can dump this stupid name?"
Woman Calls Highly Sexed Husband 'Toyota'
"Once he gets going there's no stopping him."
"Is That A Burger I Smell?"
The coach of the team Indian Olympics team has suspended two players after he caught them eating hamburgers in the bathroom.
"Pssssst, Wanna Buy Some Chop Sticks?"
One of the Chinese Olympic team members was suspended for 48 hours due to reports that he was price gouging. He reportedly sold some chop sticks to some Canadian fans for $22 per pair.
Those Nutty Brazilians
The Brazilian Olympics team was severely reprimanded when it was learned that some of the players were selling counterfeit Brazil Nuts.
The Kenyan's Ain't Comin'
The government of Kenya announced that the reason that they will not be sending an Olympic team to Vancouver is due to the fact that too many of the team members have recently been bitten by lions.
Soccer Star Ronaldo Rescues Disaster Hit Madeira
Wears a Tee Shirt with 'Madeira' written on it. In marker pen. Wow.
900% UK increase in mobile phone retrieval from the anuses of celebrities and sportsmen.
The New and Exciting Sanford and Son
NBC will begin filming episodes of The New Sanford and Son Sit-Com. General Larry Platt will portray Fred and Gary Coleman will portray his son Lamont.
Elton John caught from behind.
Reason for There Being so Many Politicians in Australia Found
As ITV found to its cost (£1600 to be precise) it is illegal to kill a rat in Australia. "Now the bloody country is overrun with the little blighters." according to unnamable Aboriginal tribesmen
Jigsaw killer admits it's not the first victim
He previously took a sledge hammer to a Rubik's cube when he couldn't solve that either.
Sex World Cup Result
Masochist beaten into second place.
Entirely New Crossbreed of Dog
The scientists at Oxford University have successfully crossed a Staffordshire Bull Terrier with a Shih Tzu and are open to suggestions on what to call the crossbreed.
Queen Mudder Writing Small Snippets
Very small. Like this one.
Painting Landscapes Tip:
Use green, and plenty of it.
New England Captain's Plea To Squad
Anybody got Vanessa Perroncel's mobile number?
Superbowl Getting Really Interesting
That is, providing you believe all the overblown hype.
Pill helps to cure osteoporosis in mice and rats
Way to go, scientists. Now we'll have a nice strong rodent population to battle.
U. S. Military Now Permits Use of Twitter
Don't ask, don't tell, just tweet it.
Trouble with the Extra Room (with windows) at the Space Station
Intergalactic real estate agent suddenly appeared and said, "Hey, the reservation wasn't for a room with a view."
Original Features Can Still Be Seen on Ancient Spider Fossil
No facelift necessary.
Iran Acting Suspiciously
Iran wants to supply friends in region with nuclear energy, especially Hamas, PLO, Hezbollah, Taliban, Al_Qaida and Tony Bitchtits visiting from Jersey.
One-Armed Bandit Not Greedy!
A one-armed man stole a single gold cufflink from a jewellers shop in Leigh-on-Sea, Essex, today. Police say; "the man is not quite armless, but certainly not greedy." They have nicknamed him 'Andy'.
Toyota Issue Free Bumper Sticker
"My Other Car Stops When I Brake."
Obama cancels Moon return project
He's a big fan of the BAFTA nominated sci-fi classic, starring Sam Rockwell, but the wife and kids wanted to watch Alvin And The Chipmunks 2 instead.
Conservative Party Policy
Champagne, caviar, balloons, party poppers, amyl nitrate.
Afghan Audits Impossible
Shopkeepers in Kabul say that it is impossible to do inventories in their shops because of the tally ban.
Tally Ban For the Fairer Sex
Women have finally found acceptance in virtually every occupation in India except bookkeeping. With all the progress, there's still no accounting for women.
Simon Cowell too ill to judge Britains got talent
An irritating pain in the arse and a dribbling prick..... are left to watch the auditions on their own.
Tracey Emin's Latest Piece A Turn Off For Art Lovers
'Dysentry Stricken Somalian's Blocked Toilet' not as popular as was hoped. No bids yet.
Flight Grounded because of massive rat
Hundreds of passengers were ordered off a plane because a huge rat was discovered on board. After the plane was cleared of people the culprit Gordon Brown was removed by pest control experts.
The Olympic Colombian Team Member's White Powder
Police in Vancouver stated that the suspicious white-looking sugar powder found in the suitcase of one of Columbia's snowboarders was actually sugar and not cocaine as authorities first believed.
Government Saving a Packet!
In a bid to ban advertising cigarettes, the government has let manufacturers sell them in plain packets. Much of the cost of printing fancy boxes will be cut. However, the price WILL remain the same.
Newry Car Bomb Was A Toyota
"These people obviously know what they're doing," says police spokesman.
Dubai Says Emphatic 'No!'
Denies planning permission for Heaven Caravans Holiday Park.
Jimminy Cricket Hates Cricket
I'm a grasshopper from LA f'Chrissakes. Why da hell would I like cricket?
Almost as nerve shreddingly exciting as Stockport County v Accrington Stanley on a wet Wednesday night in November. Almost...
Good reason for depression
Researchers have discovered the reason why New Yorkers are always so depressed. "It's because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.
No Flies On Me
Complains Venus Flytrap in garden centre.
Facebook Official Discusses Glitch in Which Email Messages Were Misdirected
"We still have a higher accuracy rate than the U. S. Postal Service."
Jordan Marries Again!
"I believe it's 3rd time lucky, but NOT the adage "Marry in haste, repent at leisure - where's Haste? I got married in Las Vegas" she said.
Dali's Painting Tips
"Imagine there's been a fire and everything melted."
Tiger Woods Latest
Golf star in love dodecahedron.
Robert Pattinson's PR Tip
Don't joke about vaginas.
Tiger Back On Course In 2029
When he's finished apologizing
Brown, The Bully
Brown, the bully: Key No10 figure tells how he was pushed, kicked, back-handed, nuggets wired to a battery and shouted at by the PM
Special Honeymoon Offers
Dizney World opens new adult section that features Alice In Wonderbra!
Erie Freezes Over
Lake Erie Frozen over for the first time in 14 years. "Gives you an eerie feeling just looking at it", says new weekend weatherman.
Spits & Curses
Young mother jailed for biting midwife during childbirth. But attorney says that Rosemary will be back with her baby in no time.
We're Just Cold!
Once again a dozen old men in trench coats driven from "Little Missy America" contest.
Not a preferred safari destination.
Amazing Archaeological Find
Archaeologists in the English County of Wiltshire have found part of an ancient door.
Interestingly, It had a stone hinge on it.
'Is it a pelanty?' asks Chris Waddle
'No it's a PENALTY you fuckwit' scream the viewers.
Roof Caving In
Heavy snow caves in roof of meeting of specialists of global warming. Two injured, 1 million laughing till their sides hurt.
World's Oldest Paperboy A Lazy Bastard
"He missed our house out one day in 1963," grumbles disgruntled customer.
Evidence of Communism in the Insect World
Scientists at Durham University have discovered evidence of Communism in the insect kingdom. It first took off when a wary wasp joined the cagey bee.
Tesco Forced to Change Their Slogan
Tesco have been forced to change their advertising slogan from "every little helps" to "very little helps" after banning a glamour model for wearing a designer tracksuit.
A record 65 million quid paid for Sculpture
He'll go straight into the Manchester City team for the away trip to Hull on Saturday.
A New Cure Discovered
When Boris Grouch of Gloucester went to the doctors' with a minor cough, the General Practioner laughed at him. When Boris became upset, the doctor told him that laughter was the best medicine!
Dog wins equivalent of VC for Animals
An eight-year-old labrador has been awarded the Dickin Medal for outstanding bravery. A total of 26 dogs have been awarded the medal whereas only one cat has. Proof that cats are a waste of space.
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