Good News For Fijian Plumbers
Upper Plympympington WI's Christmas Hue & Cry was a great success. Three gypsies, five Poles, and a simpleton were driven away by members with pitchforks. £476 was raised towards the cost of damp-proofing the new curate.
Future Domestic Appliances Will "Mimic Biological Systems"
with Dick Beard, Senior Futurist at The Gaga Institute Did I mention that I get to wear my red velvet fedora at a rakish angle and grin through my designer whiskers while spouting the most appalling tosh?
Future Homes Will Be "Intelligent Organisms"
with Dick Beard, Senior Futurist As a Futurist I spend much of my time searching for Failure Points. Why? Because it's easier than working for a living and it makes me look clever. I get paid for being a twat.
Tree Surgeon's Bark "Worse Than His Bite"
The provenance of a memo commemorating worthies such as "Albert Memorial", "Allan 'Al' Burt", "Harold 'Hal' Bird", "Albie 'Alb' Irt", and "Al Blert", has been queried: Is the Albert Memo real?
Nepalese Cabinet-Maker Loses Battleship
"Today I'm wearing a Fustian Rucksack, Javanese Milking Gaiters, and Magenta-Piped Gingham Crampons fixed onto a pair of Karl Fishfinger Copper Mountaineering Clogettes."
Government Unveils Tax Measures
"Men must not be bound not to think what they do not want not to think. Free not to not be able not to know what we do not remember, each of us is not incapable of being unable not to forget."
On The Catwalk
with Hermione Hatpin
At Littlehampton for a stunning show by Yves Glutinous. Acres of spaffle, oodles of clasps, and, the pieces de resistance, three girls in pussy willow jerkins with cromage sleeves. Devilish!
Turn Again, Dick Whittington
It is not generally realised that a well-arranged snood gets attention. Especially if worn over a bald head. A Scottish snood worn with spats and a Paisley Cummerbund will place you in the vanguard indeed.
Where Is Beatles Band?
.......an imaginary Rhode Island Red. Former Prime Minister Lloyd George was comforted by a brace of imaginary sessile acorn barnacles named "Hengist & Horsa". He eschewed the goose barnacle, disdaining its ungainly stalk.
Knock Knock Who's There?
Batley Terrapin Enthusiast Roger Miarce had a timeless experience yesterday when he answered the knock on his door. For who should be standing there! Literally! It was Dr Who. "He had run out of sugar", explained Mr Miarce.
Thomson's Gazelle Found In Cornflakes Box
Sagittarians feeling under the weather will be fleeced by a Lithuanian Urologist, while Piscean Beekeepers will fall in love with a Dolly Parton Lookalike.
Toddler Faceplants Glass Door
All this and more on 'You've Been Framed.'
Just for a change.
X-Factor Matt Shows Up At Pub Where He Once Gigged
He'll be back there before too long, performing for free pints and the occasional Argos catalogue off the potman.
Hate Cher X-Factor Campaign Loses Momentum
Most people have better things to do and simply can't be arsed.
Aspirin Can Help Prevent A Third Of Cancers
Providing you don't drink or skoke to excess. Martin Shuttlecock says he'd need 1500 aspirin a day to be in with a chance. Gives it up as a bad job.
50 Is The New 40 Say Scientists
Hampshire man says that doesn't make his bad back and dodgy knees feel any better.
Life Begins At 40 Says Optimistic 39 Year Old
He doesn't actually believe a word of it, and wishes he could be 19 again.
John Travolta to Host "Homosexuals In Denial Who Believe In Aliens From Outer Space" Convention in 2011.
John Travolta to Host "Homosexuals In Denial Who Believe In Aliens From Outer Space" Convention in 2011. Tom Cruise will be a keynote speaker.
Darth Vader is said to be Luke Skywalkers dad...
Local man has application for Special Olympics declined.
Apparently there's no such thing as a giant dwarf.
Broadfield pub bomber missed the pub and hit a lampost!
The UK Broadfield pub bomber Ali Bomb-A was so pissed he needed to relieve himself, tripped over a dog also pissing himself (with laughter) and smashed his thick skull against a lampost, Thank A++ah!
clairvoyant midget has escaped police custody.
...they are now on the look out for a small medium at large
Wikileaks CEO rapes Pipi Longstockings
Well he didnt actuallu rape Pipi but it makes for good tabloid sales.Why dont they send him to Gitmo where those terrosist will fight with each other to get back just so they can be his Celly?
Nidl Supermarket launch new luxury range...
....it's called "Normal".
New alcoholic yoghurt in shops for Christmas. . . . .
... it will get you Mullered!
Collateral Damage: Websites with names similar to Wikileaks draw flak
Owner of WeakLeaks insists her website is so named simply to promote her business: "We are urologists who deal with prostates and bladder stones, not international gossips!"
Canine Flu Scare...!
Following the deaths of hundreds of Dingos the WHO have issued a red alert flu warning after the virus entered the human domain following beastiality acts by Australians on their native dogs.
A New Book Comes out Today
A possible best-selling book is to be published today: it is called "The Art of Masturbation" by a Mexican author --Juan King
Assange's cell DOES have a toilet: Wandsworth warden
Denies rumours the arrested Wikileaks founder is unable to take a leak. "We did say, no more leaks from him, but didn't mean it literally."