Spoof news snippets from Sunday 5 December 2010
Tim Westwood orders Chinese Food
Reports are emerging that Tim Westwood tried to order a Tupac Shakur, some Wu Tang Clan and Salt N Peppa's spare ribs according to a confused Chinaman.
Venezuela's Human Vuvuzela Still At It
Chavez blames 'criminal' capitalism, neighbor's donkey for incessant rains in Venezuela. Makes ass of himself.
Fears for the Depressed this Christmas
Psychologists concede in this economy, with this weather, they can't be jollied out of this one.
Woods Blows Another One
Tiger Woods blows tournament lead on the last day. Curse of the Thanksgiving Turkey still upon him!
NKorea Blasts SKorea Defense Chief
North Korea Lambasts South Korea's New Defense Chief! Kim: "He look like Elmer Fudd!"
Princess Anne Tweet
Broke two ribs on a wrinkly I elbowed at Selfridge's. Personal best.
Playing The Percentages
Gates tells President Obama that the US should leave Iran alone. "We can't fight three wars at once. We could win two and still lose."
Meet the great-grandmother who is every lender's nightmare: The tireless woman who has fought off foreclosure for 25 years. May write book.
The Laws Of Slop
Council spends £100k on telling residents how to fill up slop buckets. (First you take the slop! "Yep! Yep!)
Maybe As A Ghost Writer
WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange 'will release poison pill of damaging secrets if killed or arrested, even if I have to make it up."
German man is arrested for 'sending hundreds of tarantulas to the U.S. through the post'
It's Me Accent
Call me Mister Gunn: Gangland boss wins the right to be 'treated with respect' by prison staff who usually slur it to "Munster Goon".
Stupidity Reaches New Levels
Health and safety chiefs ban hot drinks...from coffee mornings, saying kids could get hot liquid spilled on them. Parents ask if they leave privates at home because we could hot piss on the kids?
Madonna's new 24 year old new boy toy is Brahim Zaibat
52 year old Madge says, of Brahim Zaibat, "He's a genius, his IQ is ten and half inches."
Could your Facebook profile lead to higher insurance premium? Insurers snooping on online activity to calculate costs. Those working for TheSpoof for free may get welfare boost.
Another Russian Spy Caught
The blonde Commons aide accused of being a Russian spy: MP's assistant faces being deported after arrest for alleged espionage. MPs say with US redhead there has to be a French brunette somewhere.
Bring Me A Cold One!
Britain braced for the return of the big freeze: Temperatures down to -15C tonight (and chaos will last for two weeks). Skoob wearing two raincoats over thermo underwear.
Little Bad Weather On The Way
Britain braced for the return of the big freeze: Temperatures down to -15C tonight (and chaos will last for two weeks). Other than that, let's get out and shop a bit!
Assange Signs With Patriots
WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange signs to do personal assignments for the New England Patriots.
Hope They Get Life
NY bust: Medicaid patients' Rx drugs go to dealers. 33 people busted over taking drugs taken from seniors and need their asses kicked from north Central Park to the John Lennon Memorial.
Forget The Pennies
Lawmakers optimistic about tax cut deal. Uncle Sam's "Pay a dollar/Pick a dollar banks to be distributed to all retailers.
We Can Drill Our Own Oil!
WikiLeaks: Mideast funding of militants irks U.S. Ron Paul advises blowing up Saudi Arabia, the chief financier.
Hate Those WikiLeaks
Blackmailers everywhere are out to stop the WikiLeaks. "They just give away our steady money supply", stated one anonymous blackmailer.
WikiLeaks Being Squeezed Out!
WikiLeaks uses Swiss Web address as options narrow. TheSpoof has already turned them down. "We already know about all that stuff, just read our stories", stated Mark Lowton.
Ahmadinejad evaluates Wikileaks
Ahmadinejad examined the Wikileaks, his evaluation was, only a donkey or a pig would waste their time reviewing such things.
Tiger Woods Dating Kate Gosselin
Tiger Woods is reportedly dating baby-factory and asian-fetishist Kate Gosselin. "Think of how ugly those kids would be!" say friends.
Sarah Palin calls for ECB President Jean-Claude Trichet's Resignation
Following Trichet's comment, "There is every danger that the crisis will become more acute," Palin said, "There's nothing cute about a financial crisis, Mr.Trichet should step down, immediately"
Watchdog goes after TV
Pete Burns was intercepted by the German Shepard, when trying to break into the Collagen Factory.
David Cameron tweets 'I'm related to Queen'
William Hague tweets back "does that mean I'm in for a chance?"
"Arsenic With DNA Discovery" Not True?
NASA Discovers New Life: Arsenic Bacteria With DNA Completely Alien To What We Know! Kansas school board says that it's not true. "Quit trying to poison the minds of our children!"
NASA Discovers New Life
NASA Discovers New Life: Arsenic Bacteria With DNA Completely Alien To What We Know! Claim they were the ones who actually wrote the Agatha Christie mysteries.
Hoping For Joe The Plumber
Newt Gingrich Leaning Toward Presidential Run. So it's Gingrich, Palin or Obama. Good time for Nader to plan comeback!
"Charley Rangel, He's An Angel To Me!"
Charlie Rangel On 'State Of The Union', Jesse James, Tiger Woods on 'Press The Meat!"
McConnell Has Terrible Cold
McConnell: WikiLeaks cheef 'a heck tick errorist'..pardoon my code...'a high-teech terrorist'...Thit!
Dems Join GOPs
Top Democrats defecate, join unified GOP. Sorry, that should be 'defect'.
WikiLeaks doesn't care about your silly G-mails. Even if you are a depraved, closeted cheater.
Unabomber's Residence Bought
Unabomber's 'very secluded' land in Montana listed for sale, bought by Saudi. He states that all the free ammo was the clincher.
I Didn't Find Anything, OK?
New security at airports could allow passengers to search themselves before cameras.
Bad News During The Holidays
Crippled ship hauling fuel oil near Alaska now being towed that it is crippled.
Iran announces another advancement in constructing it's nuclear facilities. Kim in NKorea announces another advance in Wiley Coyote's attempt to catch the roadrunner.
Republicans Vote To Continue "Don't Ask, Don't Tell"
GOP: Don't ask us for help. Don't tell us your problems.
Reid Pushes Online Gambling
Reid, funded by casinos, pushes online gambling. Free night's rest offered for those willing to come and lose money.
Obama In Afghanistan
Obama Makes Surprise Trip to Afghanistan. Thought he was going back to Paris.
Help police! Someone's stolen my snowman! "Frosty was there just yesterday when I put that old black hat on him!"
Also Shit A Brick
Man thanks mother-in-law for fruitcake but says that most of last year's fruitcake still in stomach.
Too Much Christmas Spirit #2
Too much Christmas spirit rankles neighbors as lights keep them up all night.
Too Much Christmas Spirits?
Too much Christmas spirit rankles neighbors as one-man choir goes most of the night.
Woods Finally Back?
Tiger Woods set to end miserable year with Sherwood win, steps in rabbit hole.
Both Encouraging Signs
Roman Polanski wins best European picture award. Adolf Hitler paintings now the most popular.
Ecuador Volcanos Turn To Erupt!
Villagers evacuated as Ecuador volcano erupts as many around the world worry about eruption of volcano near them.
China Economy Booming
China's skyscraper boom, shipbuilding buoys global industry.
Crippled Cargo Ship Being Towed
A crippled cargo ship carrying nearly a half million gallons of fuel oil was under tow toward a safe harbor Sunday, easing concerns the vessel could go aground in Alaska's remote Pollution Islands.
No Funeral Meats Here
Big crowd expected at Wis. hostage taker's funeral. Partake in the funeral cheeses.
Rivalry Importance Wanes
2 stabbed as rival fans brawl before USC-UCLA game! Only 2? Surely the game was worth more than that?
Kenya: Arrest Gays!
Kenya PM's Call to Arrest Gays Jeopardizes HIV Prevention! Just one more reason for gays to support Obama again in 2012!
How To Choose Employer
Choose an Employer That Meets Your Social Needs! For instance, food, clothing, shelter.
Government Involvement Needed!
Report: More Government Involvement Needed in College Search Process! Writing Snippets! Learn How To Walk. Be Potty Trained!
Health Buzz: Government Sets Health Goals for 2020! Much hope to be able to at least control bedbugs by that time.
Female panda bears only get "hot" 72 hours a year, the missus too!
The Panda bear has one problem, females only get "hot" 72 hours a year and male panders are too busy chewing bamboo? Analogies with humans are obvious, she has a headache and he's down the boozer!
Need For More Holiday Parades
Spectators value tradition of Christmas parade. Draws people into crowds that have bargains to sell.
Loser Polanski Wins Award
Roman Polanski wins best European picture award! Who didn't see this coming from the pedophiles?
Newton: Auburn's Tootin!
Newton leads Auburn to 56-17 win, into title game as the Tigers and the Ducks hoping for good luck.
Spains Airports Recovering
Spain's airports recovering from controller strike after the planes in Spain were mainly on the bane.
Ivory Coast Needs Change
Both PETA and Greenpeace want the Ivory Coast to change it's name to "The Elephant's Memory".
Gates Tripping Out
Gates visits Oman, Owoman; Iran, Iwalked and Yemen, Yewomen on agenda.
WikiLeaks Down Again
Swiss supporters: WikiLeaks server goes down. Swiss government say they hope to have it fixed by 2020.
Washington Least Brainy Award
In Pakistan, Christianity Earns a Death Sentence! Same for Iraq, Afghanistan. So it makes sense that we have to keep sending Christian soldiers to die there.
No Effect So Far
US cable: China leaders ordered hacking on Google so far has had no effect.."Barney Google, with the goog, goog googly eyes! Everybody!"
No Common Sense!
The Most And Least Brainy Cities In America: Washington DC!!
World's hottest pecker is 'hot enough to strip paint' and belongs to guy just released from 20-year prison sentence in solitaire.
Need To Bolster Defensive Line A Bit
We're fully prepared for Chinese hacker attack says The Spoof editor, Ho Chi Minh.
The Spoof Counterattack
The Spoof writers counter-attack the Chinese hackers by jokes, insults about ancestors..causing them to lose face.
Full Scale Attack
US works to secure networks as hackers advance. Send out their own hackers offensive. Circling the wagons.
Chinese Hackers #2
US cable: China leaders ordered hacking on Google. Everybody else on WikiLeaks.
US cable: China leaders ordered hacking on Google! US and Britain government would never do such a thing.
Ecuadorian volcano outburst work of Al Qaeda?
The recent volatile situation around the volcanic outburst in Ecuador is not quite what it seems, natural! Al Qaeda sent an E Mail to the Pentagon: "viva la Revolucion" it was ignored?
Thought For The Day:
Man gets arrested for typing typo
"I'm going to hack into my wife!" The man lost his password and sent the message accidentally to his soon to be ex wife, thinking it was his lover.
The dyslexic Priest said the Dog told him to do it.
Princess Anne Tweet
V. excited to realise Susan Boyle is a dead wringer for the Crown-Princess of Ostrieflander-Abel-Berlich, one of my favourite 17th century German relations!
Pretty Isn't Everything
Young Miliband dogged by rumours that party coup is in the offing.
Princess Anne Tweet
I could've charmed us 2018. Don't send a boy to do a man's work, eh?
Diplomats scour The Spoof! website; "Anything to throw at Wikileaks"
"Spoof stories will come handy to discredit Wikileaks in future," says diplomatic cable released on Wikileaks.
Mad Priest follows dog
The dyslexic Priest was seen praying to a Bull Dog.
'Wow' signal misinterpreted, Astronomer reveals after decades of secrecy
Mysterious signal received in 1977 was not from aliens. "I just wrote 'Momi' on the back of the sheet, but the pen dribbled.'
King Abdullah admits to typo
King Abdullah tweets "I meant the Persian *cat."
Britain pays a high price for foreign takeover
Britain pays £50 billion for foreign takeover. "No wonder the economy's on its knees! Shouldn't that be the other way round?" said the 5 year old.
Let's Hear it for "CHICKEN CRAP"
EPA, OSHA and FDA are really worried about chicken farmers being up to their ears in "CHICKEN CRAP!" Let's hope the US House Republicans can keep these agencies in the stuff and out of anything else!
Economic "CHICKEN CRAP"
Democratic far left wants businesses to use their money to hire people & make products/services. It's the other way, when people have jobs they spend money for products & businesses satisfy demand!
More Socialist Wealth Redistribution "CHICKEN CRAP"
President Obama wants to give people who pay no income tax $400 and $800 per couple, respectively. Yet the president wants to tax the hell out of the higher income people who create jobs!
More Democratic Economic "CHICKEN CRAP"
Adding $2.4 trillion to the national debt for middle class tax cuts is OK, but adding $700 billion to the national debt for people making over $250,000 not OK!
Obama's Summer 2010 Economic Recovery
"CHICKEN CRAP" is the USA unemployment rate in November 2010 going to 9.8%, when President Obama said the unemployment rate would be 8% by summer 2010!
Environmental "CHICKEN CRAP"
"CHICKENCRAP" is President Obama stopping oil drilling in the Gulf of Mexico for at least seven years and killing more jobs for a region already hurting. Unless of course he is a one term president!
Social Engineering "CHICKEN CRAP"
"CHICKEN CRAP" is Democratic Senate Majority Leader Reid trying to ram the DREAM Act and repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell through a lame duck session of Congress!
Mess Maker, Make me a Mess
"Chicken Crap" is Pres. Obama making a fiscal/spending mess, then asking a commission how to make the American people clean up the mess, while the Democratic special interests say "not my problem!"
"CHICKEN CRAP" to Ponder
"The IRS will relentlessly pursue you!" So how did Representative C. Rangel manage to evade taxes for 17 years, on renting out his beach house/villa in the Dominican Republic?
President Obama's Class Warfare "CHICKEN CRAP"
Obama plays class warfare with the Bush tax cuts to aid his socialist policies. When the Republicans take over the US House, expect him to play the race card & stress illegal immigrant profiling!
President Obama asks USA Governors at a gubinatorial conference, how to stop spending in Washington DC. Is this a "CHICKEN CRAP" question or not?
More Lame Ideas are not Needed
Republicans feel Pres. Obama is not serious about any compromise on extending the Bush tax cuts for everyone. VP Biden plans to participate in the negotiations with his usual "CHICKEN CRAP" rhetoric!
Lame Duck Session "CHICKEN CRAP"
Senate Majority Leader Reid is so concerned about middle class tax cuts that he is pushing legislation for online gambling, e.g. winnings taxable by the federal government of course!
Say Good Bye Nancy
"CHICKEN CRAP" is House Speaker Pelosi making up the notion about unemployment insurance payments creating jobs. Employers pay money into a fund, where mandated increases could mean loss of jobs!
Socialist "CHICKEN CRAP" Defined
Obama's socialist ideas cost USA a $3 trillion debt, ruined small banks, energy sector, healthcare, & he now wants to destroy small business. Middle class, your money's next for wealth redistribution!
Congressional Year End Review
The year-end review by the American people of the 111th Congress (both houses) "CHICKEN CRAP" politicking resulted in scores of Nada, Zero, Nil, Zip & Bupkis.
14-Year-Old Mexican Drug Cartel Hitman, Pedro The Kid, Arrested.
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