Spoof news snippets from Saturday 4 December 2010
Manson Out of It!
"Cell" Phone: Charles Manson Busted with a Mobile. Helter Skelter psycho called people in California, NJ and Florida to say 'hippie dodooo'.
Chase Bank orders branch to remove Christmas tree. Workers remove tree but keep branches. After all, they say, we're a branch bank.
Sony releases 22in TV
"I'm glad it's all over!" said the cross dressing dwarf.
Charles Manson Caught With Phone
Charles Manson said he liked the cell phone reception he got in solitary confinement, but was sad to see the guards didn't want him to have a phone.
WikiLeaks Loses PayPal, but Still Has Google AdSsense
WikiLeaks lost a source of revenue when PayPal stopped their services. They did point out that they still were using Google AdSense, so the website should stay up and running for awhile.
Obama Can't Beat Bully Republicans
Obama can't win when it comes to getting anything past Republicans, and he even called them "Bullies" for all the mean stuff they were saying about him.
Spain's Deputy PM says strike will not happen again
The Deputy Prime Ministers wife has since forgiven him, as long as it never happens again.
Palin pleads confusion as shots ricochet off neighbours' homes
"I was house huntin'! That's still legal in this country, ain't it?"
"I'm Not Up For A Seventh Take!"
Couple in Viagra commercial begin calling each other bad names after sixth take: "Teenie Weenie!", "Bear's Ass!"
Reasons Jobs Are Scarce
4 Reasons Jobs Remain So Scarce! Number One: There are a lot fewer businesses to hire you since they're belly-up also.
More & More Government
Report: More Government Involvement Needed in College Search Process! Also, in helping you find that stupid TV remote that has gotten your blood pressure up again!
Health Buzz: Government Sets Health Goals for 2020
Everyone will naturally be thinner because of the wrecked economy and lack of food.
Hillary: This Time It's Not Bill!
The Thing in the Senate Basement has apparently hauled away another intern.
UN Sending Spies?
Iran says UN agency sending spies, not inspectors. "It says so right here in this WikiLeak."
Doctor finds himself telling patient to "Take two aspirins and call me in the morning." Resigns.
Another NASA Delay
NASA delays space shuttle launch until next year after someone had spit some gum out and it was strung out all over the ground. Something going on here.
Biden Gives Assurances
VP promised the American people today that there would never be another 911! "At least for a thousand years."
Ivory Coast In Chaos
Ivory Coast dispute leaves 2 presidents, complete chaos! Worse than Florida after 2000 election.
Uk puts freeze on Scandinavia
" Uk puts freeze on Scandinavia ? "
Sounds like a case for Vaug Veum,or he Norwegian ?The franch have enough to worry about with Inspector Clouseau as their Chief inspector and the Pink Panther?
Uk puts freeze on Scandinavia
" Uk puts freeze on Scandinavia ? "
Sounds like a case for Vaug Veum, or he Norwegian ? The franch have enough to worry about with Inspector Clouseau as their Chief inspector and the Pink Panther?
Drunk Now Homeless
Drunk returns home to bench to find squatters have taken control of it.
German Woman Arrested
German arrested in US spider smuggling sting. The notorious "Black Widow" has finally been tracked down.
Princess Anne Tweet
Just back from stables. Gave horses Sainsbury's hays-of-the-world advent calendar.
Royal Variety organizers declined Cameron and Clegg offer to sing duet at December 10th event.
Gordon Brown to Deliver Channel 4's Alternative Christmas Message
Record high ratings anticipated for Queen.
Princess Anne Tweet
You don't follow do you? Andrew and I don't give a toss what you think.
Say what you really mean
Mitch McConnell says it's a "very sensible decision not to raise taxes on anybody during a recession." His vote says he'll raise taxes on everybody unless America's wealthy get a big, fat tax break.
She Was Wearing Gloves
World's hottest pepper is 'hot enough to strip paint'. sent that one guy who broke up with his girlfriend in Wendys to go screaming out the door.
PayPal Cuts WikiLeaks
PayPal cuts WikiLeaks from money flow. This after rumors that PayPal would get their comeuppance next.
Apologies To Hookers
Senate showdown may pave way for rear-end tax deal. I'm sorry, that should have been 'year-end tax deal. Please ignore the first part if you're a hooker.
I'm Being Followed By A Moon Goddess
UN Global Warming summit begins with prayer to 'Mayan moon goddess', Charlene Darling.
We're Number One!
Nation's '2nd Most Dangerous City' To Lay Off Nearly Half Of Police Force. Mayor says they are bound for number one!
Chicken Worker Dies Playing Chicken
Worker at chicken factory sucked into machine, decapitated, bagged before workers noticed the big bag.
Goodbye Internet Freedom
Wave goodbye to Internet freedom. FCC crosses the Rubicon into online regulation. No more naked movie stars, singers or politicians on The Spoof!
No More Public Office!
HILLARY: Secretary of State will be 'my last public position'. "I'd like to say it's been pleasant serving you but instead, I'll ask each one of you to kiss my pant-suited ass!"
Senate Rejects Obama Plan
Senate Rejects Obama's Tax Plan, Setting Stage for Deal. "You gotta know when to hold them, know when to fold them", says Joe Biden.
WP7 - 'Market Leader'
Microsoft announced this afternoon that Windows Phone 7 is the best seller in their target market, namely "Rip-off of iPhone'.
Thatcher abandons Cameron
"Not nearly unkind enough."
Cat Fight Brewing?
SuBo's Pebbles rumoured to have signed recording contract.
Attention Span Deficits Hit UK News Cycle
Fifa is the new WikiLeaks
Qatar Looking For WCUP Fans!
Qatar must win over skeptical World Cup fans as many still having trouble finding it on the map.
Spider-Man Musical Pretty Sorry?
Producer of Spider-Man musical not climbing walls according to the latest news on the Web.
Step Out Of Your Car & Let Me Measure You
Study says even being a bit overweight is risky, especially around the Fat Police in California.
Needs More Study?
Panel recommends expanding use of stomach bands. Told that expanding them will cause them not to work.
Hitting US Early?
One in three Americans already got their flu shit this year.
Cyber Attack Hits India
Cyber attack hits India's investigative agency but so far none has hit TheSpoof thanks to fluber bandersnatch.
India's federal investigative agency says its website has been temporarily shut down by a cyber attack blamed on a Pakistani group. "We will return fire..wall."
Hooked Up In Bed?
Experts keep close eye on badly injured whale. One observes that maybe they should put in back in the water.
One Nearly Made It
2 more rare red foxes confirmed in Sierra Nevada hunter's traps.
Not Nice To Fool Mother Nature
As climate talks drag on, more ponder techno-fixes like seeding clouds. Others ask, "Hasn't anyone been watching those old B-Horror movies?"
SKorea trade pact could mean thousands of US jobs as factories reopen producing weapons.
This Should Help
Senate to vote on Democratic tax cut plans for those making $8,000 or less.
Freedom Of Speech
Texas Rep. Ron Paul: Don't prosecute WikiLeaks' Julian Assange because of freedom of speech. Told to sit down and shut up.
Rangel Not Winning Any Friends
Rangel: I don't deal in average American citizens, just the elite like myself.
Average Joes Recognized
Average joes welcomed alongside celebs at Elaine's Restaurant. Also, at most theaters and performances.
Kenya PM's Call to Arrest Gays Jeopardizes HIV Prevention! WikiLeaks: Obama's father was gay..in between women.
Of All The Luck
Ex-contractor gets 7 years in fraud case, after breaking mirror when shaving before trial.
Better Act Dumb!
Ranking among the brainiest cities are Boulder, Colorado. No Zombies Allowed!!
Morning Pride Parade #2
Hometown pride! As the men of Bear Wallow marched down the street completely nude in Bear Wallow, Kentucky. Only mishap was one rear-ending near the bandstand.
Morning Pride March Goes Off!
Hometown pride! As the men of Bear Wallow marched down the street completely nude in Bear Wallow, Kentucky.
Sports Running Out Of Adjectives
Lakers blow out Kings, mop up the floor, trounce and leave them a big pile of crap on the basketball floor, easily snapping 4-game skid.
Joes Are Welcome Here!
Average joes welcomed alongside celebs at Elaine's. Motto: You can see anyone you want, at Elaine's Restaurant."
It's The Old Libyan Standoff!
Memos reveal US-Libya standoff over uranium. Is this what's happening now in Iran?
CEO Villian To Retire
Successful and reviled Massey CEO retires in weeks, after making millions from blowing off mountain tops.
So That's What VP's Are For?
Obama, troops cheer each other in Afghan visitwith Joe Biden holding up big "CHEER!" sign behind Obama's head.
Who Couldn't See THIS Coming?
Ore. police search house near Islamic center, investigating mosque burning in revenge for planned Oregon terrorist bombing.
"Doing A Heckova Job!"
Obama, troops cheer each other in Afghan visit, among the 'boos' outside the tents.
Cause Of Fire In Israel
Israeli police say negligence likely caused blaze. "Some drunk camper forgot to piss out the campfire."
Air Chaos In Spain
Spain declares 'state of alarm' over air chaos. Part of it, the use of "near-miss' in the air by planes. Pilots say, there are no "near Misses", only "near Hits!"
Spain Has Emergency
Spain declares 'state of alarm' over air chaos as workers go on strike. Some walk out in mid-air.
World's Fastest Train
China passenger train hits 300 mph, breaks record as breaks fail and it finally stops in Mongolia after jumping track.
The Most And Least Brainy Cities In America? New Orleans! BRAINS!!
The Chili Weapons Of The Future
World's hottest pepper is 'hot enough to strip paint'. Also, some in hospital, say it destroyed their whole plumbing system.
Is It Worth It?
Could WikiLeaks survive without Julian Assange? Probably, but what has it revealed that we didn't already know?
Is It Worth It?
Could WikiLeaks survive without Julian Assange? Yes, but only until they take down his replacement. Then they'll get the idea.
Obama On Taxes
Obama on Taxes: 'I Believe It Will Get Resolved'..in our lifetime!"
Dem Tax Cut Plans Same As Usual
Senate to vote on Democratic tax cut plans but no use listening. It's an ad for the 2012 campaign, you've heard it for 50 years and they need to get s out of today's mess.
Have another drink - it'll make you feel better.
LeAnn Rimes Absolutely Hates The Name of Her Upcoming Christmas Music TV Special
LeAnn Rimes says that she would appreciate it if ABC would change the name of her upcoming Christmas Music Special which is titled, The LeAnn Rimes' Merry 'Husband-Stealing' Christmas Special.
The Real Reason Why Dallas Cowboy Star Miles Austin Misses Ex-Girlfriend Kim Kardashian
Dallas Cowboys star Miles Austin confessed that he really and truly does miss his ex-girlfriend Kim Kardashian. Austin stated, "Hell I loved using Kimmy's big, humongous ass as a TV tray."
Wikileaks Report: Sarah Palin Can See Russia And Guess Who Else From Her Front Porch?
Sarah Palin reportedly told Sean Hannity that she can see Wikileaks' Julian Assange from her front porch in Wasilla, Alaska.
Susan Boyle, Alias SuBo, To Change Her Name
Susan Boyle has told the BBC that she plans on changing her last name from Boyle to the not-so-bad sounding Boil.
Say Bro, Can You Pass Me The Watermelon Please?
The Order of National Food Ingredients has just announced that contrary to widely held beliefs, watermelons do not contain any water whatsoever.
Barbara Bush told reporters that son, George, embarrassed her & his father the first time they met the Obamas by asking Barack Obama if he was that guy who played Kramer's lawyer on Seinfeld?
Obama Visits Troops
After visiting our troops in Afghanistan today, President Obama says he is cautiously optimistic about the war there.
Both political parties make Ponzi schemes illegal. Social security canceled.
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