Spoof news snippets from Thursday 2 December 2010
WikiLeaks cables: Gordon Brown an 'abysmal' prime minister
Gordon Brown reacted by saying "I've been called worse."
Wikileaks cables say Afghan President Karzai is 'paranoid'
Karzai replied to this by saying "I'm not paranoid any more, that was what I was paranoid about before, the US thinking I was paranoid."
Just Like Arafat's PLO
More WikiLeaks: Cables describe scale of Afghan corruption as overwhelming. Most funds from US to help poor went straight to the top.
Those That Have....
Ex-Yankee Jim Leyritz sentenced to probation, $500 fine in fatal drunken driving case. You or me, life sentence with $100,000 fine!
Your Billfold Just Shrunk
Democratic Lame Ducks vote for increase in taxes. "We need to bailout all those banks in Europe!"
Rainy Night In Georgia
People lined up for help with heat bill in Georgia say it's 'Almost like being in soup line during great depression'.
Beckham accuses Russia of being a Mafia state
After losing the 2018 World Cup Bid to Russia, Beckham accused the Russians of being a Mafia state, to which Putin replied: "You talkin' to me? You TALKIN' to ME?"
Queen and Duke see Narnia
The Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh venture into the snow, and see Narnia, the Duke was then seen talking to a horse.
Daily Mail journalist spontaneously combusts
A Daily Mail journalist has spontaneously combusted after trying to decide who was to blame for England's 2018 World Cup bid failure - the BBC or foreigners.
Obama Agrees With NKorea, Iran!
Obama gains ground in push for nuclear treaty. "Russia and US should cut nuclear weapons", say NKorea, Iran!
House Of Rep. Passes Brick
The US House has passed a brick to extend middle-class tax cuts while letting those for the wealthy expire, as talks continue on extending cuts for everyone. Especially, those that are hiring workers.
What's The Record?
Knicker-shocker! Nearly two million Britons are wearing 10-year-old underwear. "Just glad they have stretched with me", says one proud 13-year-holder!
Horny Old Rascal
How a bull with an to urge to have a cow repeatedly blacked out more than 500 homes!
Scotland Yard Upset With WikiLeaks
Scotland Yard poised to arrest WikiLeaks boss over rape allegations after Interpol issues warrant. "Put THAT inn your leaks and stuff them!"
Finger length linked to prostate cancer
The government fears this could lead to a black market of back street amputations.
Pete Doherty appears in court charged with cocaine
The Libertines front man, Pete Doherty, later appears in McDonald's fired up with crack.
He Wouldn't Have Earned It Without Me, The Glaree!
'My life was ruined after I glared at a colleague' says council worker suing bosses for £330,000. Colleague glared at wants half!
Collapsed Pensioner Ignored For 5 Hours
Our walk-on-by society: Passers-by ignored for FIVE HOURS pensioner, 77, who had collapsed on city pavement but now doing better. "Thought it was a reality show thing", say most.
England, US Lose Bids!
Wills sick as a royal parrot: England loses bid to host World Cup to 'mafia state' Russia (and Putin didn't even bother to turn up). "He will probably instruct crowd when to cheer."
Snow causes travel chaos
WikiLeaks Don't Affect US/Russia Relationship
Putin spokesman: Does not think WikiLeaks cable release will complicate relations with the U.S. "I doubt they could get any worse!"
Favor The Osbourne Family
NASA to announce new life form: Bacteria that thrive on arsenic that redefine 'life as we know it'. You are now in..The Twilight Zone!
US Loses Bid For World Cup
Obama knocks FIFA's decision to award Qatar, not the U.S., the 2022 World Cup, noting how many 'Rugby' fans there are here.
Iran Uses Excuse
Iran arrests several people it says were behind the murder of a nuclear scientist. All arrested so far are political opponents.
Masterbating In WalMart
Man cops plea to masturbating in WAL-MART toy aisle. "That Barbie gets me every time."
Give Or Take A Few
Scientists Find 200 Sextillion More Stars in the Sky. Find where someone dropped a hundred trillion in calculations.
Kramer: Obama No Leader
Top AIDS activist LARRY KRAMER: Obama is NOT a leader. "That's why everything is all screwed up!"
Pelosi 'Climate Panel' Dies in Republican Sweep. Poll: "Good! Do something about the economy besides holding state dinners."
Another White House State Dinner!
OBAMA TO CELEBRATE CHINA WITH STATE DINNER! Goes ahead and invites the Salahis. "No use hiring 100 extra guards."
Still More Leaks #2
Still more WikiLeaks released at noon today. Michelle's mother bald as an eagle.
Shark-attack-package holidays in Egypt, wickedly cheap!
After hearing that white tip sharks have been attacking humans (how dare they) thousands of cheap, thrill seeking morons & surfers are racing to Egypt! It's sure to turn the Red Sea even redder!
Still More Leaks
The central bank yesterday released data on 21,000 transactions from $3.3 trillion in emergency lending to stem the financial crisis after Wiki revealed the info. "It slipped our mind", says Congress.
Scots Scupper England Bid...!
It has emerged from an FA inquiry that Birmingham City's Scottish faction deliberately ignited the violence at St. Andrew's in a bid to ensure that England would not hold the World Cup in 2018.
Part of snowbound NY Thruway Near Buffalo reopens. Drivers told to beware of buffalo as he's still in the area.
GOP, Dems Meeting
Negotiators work on tax deal as House holds vote. Police called in to pull them apart.
England To Boycott World Cup Forever
Save a lot of embarrassment on the pitch.
Google ramps up anti-piracy measures
Google goes after pirates, their 1000 man strong battleship was seen off the coast of Somalia.
Sarah Palin speaks out against gays in the military
Speaking on the Cartoon Network, she said, "I don't think Homo sapiens should be in the military, period."
Shark maims 4 Russian swimmers in Egypt's White Sea
Egyptian authorities are considering renaming it the Red Sea
Senator McCain's gaff
"It may be premature to end the ejaculation of the U.S. military's ban on gays," warned McCain at a Senate hearing.
Simon Cowell backs England World Cup, they blew it!
TV super-talent spotter backed England's bid to host the World cup 2018, it was the death sentence, thank's Simon, stick to what you're good at, infecting the world with SUBO's!
Julian Assange finally gets the boot from The Spoof !
He now works for the Bank of Korea, "Congratulations,you won." or is it the Bank Of Spain, "Congratulations,you Juan."
Brits to hold 'bitter parties'
The ale will be more attractive than tea or coffee, say organizers.
Jordon thinks wikileak is buzzword for loo
Jordon tweets "FML OMG WTF i need 2 have a wikileak!"
It's A Little Rank
Lee Harvey Oswald's coffin to be auctioned in L.A. New owner will get special Dr. Scholls liner.
The Bedbug Plagur Of 2010 Continues
'Bedbugs' invade New York City hospital; Entire floor shut down. Al-Qaida takes credit.
Return To Communism?
PUTIN CRITICIZES USA OVER WIKILEAKS...Cables expose today's Russia as 'mafia state'.
Glenn Beck Running out of Issues
Glenn Beck is running out of rich people to pick on, so his show ratings took an expected dip this week.
We Bailed Out Foreign Banks
Foreign banks were among the biggest beneficiaries of the $3,300bn in emergency credit provided by the Federal Reserve during the crisis, according to new data. This was never mentioned by Obama.
Feds Bailed Out GE!
FED SECRETLY BAILED OUT GE -- GE NEWS OUTLETS FAILED TO REVEAL IN FED COVERAGE! Democrat dominated congress did not want to be linked to Ronald Regan in any way or form.
Jessica Simpson Isn't Pregnant, Just Depressed
Jessica Simpson isn't pregnant, but a little depressed over the fact she is getting married, again. "I have used food to ease the pain I am getting married for the second time." Ms. Simpson said.
Lots Of Snow Out There
Snow strands hundreds of drivers in western New York, Los Angeles has it up to their nose!
Jenn Sterger Hopes to find Younger NFL Quarterback
Jenn Sterger hopes that some younger NFL quarterbacks would send her text messages, because she misses her weekly text from Brett Favre.
Oldest Living Things
See the oldest living things on the planet! This ad to appear everywhere the next Stones concerts scheduled.
What is NASA's secret astrobiology announcement? Aliens to hold press conference later today.
Justin Beiber's Grammy Nominations Clerical Error
Justin Beiber received the phone call today telling him that his Grammy nominations were a clerical error.
DC's Sacred Cows
Deficit dilemma: Will Washington tackle sacred cows? If so, will India object?
Angelina Jolie Hate Christmas
Angelina Jolie hate Christmas because it stand for the exploitation of little people(elves). She doesn't celebrate Christmas and wishes more people would follow her lead.
Rangel faces almost certain censure. If so, will protest by becoming the first mime on the floor.
Kate Top Girl's Name
Royal wedding to make Kate top UK girls' name. Top boys name is still 'Skoob'.
Chavez Only Up To Mischief
U.S. views Chavez in 'axis of mischief' but could move up to 'Evil' at any time!
Qatar selected as 2022 World Cup host! Will be selling Super Vuvuzelas, Ear Plugs!
McCain On Gays
Senator John McCain calls study on gays in military "Bent!"
The Hillary Spin
Diplomatic cables made public by WikiLeaks show the skills of American diplomats, not their failings, claims Hillary. "I told all those lies about Bush to confuse our enemies, friends."
Another Picasso Find?
NYC couple claim that they have found over 257 Campbell Soup Cans that Andy Warhol threw out of his apartment in the 1960's.
Willie Nelson Sick!
Apparently singer Willie Nelson has came down with glaucoma according to his attorney.
Willie Makes Bail
Willie Nelson makes bail this morning. Stated that he used the time behind bars to write "I Go A-Tokin', After Midnight".
Nelson Writes Song
Willie Nelson jailed on marijuana offense writes the song, "Pancho and Mary Jane".
Especially Diaper Companies!
Companies beware: The next big leak could be yours. So be ready to take the piss.
Those Terrorists Again
International Space Station hit with flying sack of shit!
Growing Winter Crops In Minnesota
Global experts: Warming could double food prices...or double the size of crops.
Samuel Cohen Dies In LA
Neutron bomb inventor Samuel Cohen dies in LA after doing a Neutron Dance with Pointer Sisters.
USA/China Climate Agreement
US, China move closer on key climate issue. Agree to pollute away until world economy gets better.
Pepsico Buys In On Something Or Other
PepsiCo to buy stake of Wimm-Bill-Dann for $3.8B, as companies begin making up names to make them look better. "Coke to purchase Vim Vam Voom!"
Tax & Spend Bring Consequences
Coburn says America is 'rotting' from too much dependence on government. "No incentives to create your own business."
Obama Statement Untrue?
Federal workers will still receive raises despite pay freeze, but not old people with their social security checks.
Tea Party Ready To Change Things
Recently elected GOP governors slam Washington during visit to U.S. Capitol. "In two words, 'Fat Royalty!"
Army Revamps Diet
Yogurt in, soda out: Army revamps training diet. "Just so long as we have a beer with out C-Rations."
Expert Advice For Students
Experts say: Network for Your Tuition! "You can begin with "The Tuition Channel" on TV.
New Best Seller Out!
5 Steps to Renting Out Your Home...and how to get 25 illegal immigrants to pay $200 a month each.
That Should Help Construction Slump
Social Security cuts are part of deficit plan. "Poor Houses" to make a big comeback.
Calif approves use of pesticide linked to cancer!
But definitely no smoking or eating any transfats there.
Earth's magnetic poles flip; Sarah Palin vindicated
Magnetic pole reversal causes havoc to navigation and electronics systems worldwide. Palin: "Told ya! North Korea IS our ally!"
Ailing Aretha Franklin!
Prayer vigil held for ailing Aretha Franklin...and a little RESPECT!
Most Would Agree
Experts: Defect maybe caused superjumbo engine to blow up.
UN Watchdog Concerned! Barking At NKorea
UN atomic watchdog chief 'concerned' over N.Korea, shape of Kim's head as it seems to be almost two dimensional.
They Weren't Politically Correct
Eminem leads Grammy nominations with 10. Elvis, Dylan, Beatles, Stones continue to share 7.
Talk-show host Berkus recovering from lobotomy. Sorry, that should be 'appendectomy'.
Bush Says He Was Right All Along. Just Premature In Statement
UN nuke chief laments Iran's lack of cooperation. Won't release info on their WMD's, same as NKorea. Bush in Texas keeps yelling "Axis of Evil! I was right!"
Latest WikiLeaks show that Daniel Boone lied about killing that "bar' that he carved into the tree. It was actually killed by friend, Regis.
Early American Settlers Were Stinkers
Site of first American battle discovered. Settlers gave native Americans firewater and threw some loaded guns among them.
First British Gun Battle
Site of first British gun battle uncovered. Apparently some squire shot poacher in the ass. He returned fire and wounded squire.
The Bieber Influence
Baby Names Reveal More About Parents Than Ever Before! Over 100,000 Justin's in the past few months.
Swift Execution Of Enemies!
Iraq calls for swift execution of terror suspects, just like Saddam taught us.
Baby Names Different
Baby Names Reveal More About Parents Than Ever Before. New number one name in New Orleans? "Brains".
Triple The Stars Out There
Starry starry starry night: Star count may triple as astronomers recheck abacus totals.
Miracle In DC!
Apparently overnight, a daisy-cutter bomb hit Washington, sucking all the air out of our leader's lungs. But they survived on hot air reserve inside buildings. Brains no more damaged than before.
Increase In Weapons Attack
US deploys 'game-changer' weapon to Afghanistan. Operation: Scorched Mountains!
Ready To Take His Punishment
Rangel faces almost certain censure, atomic wrist slap!
Swedish court upholds Assange detention order. Assange drops note to British papers. "I'm bound for the waterboarding for sure. So I say right now, the WikiLeaks are fake!"
Black Mamba Spotted Emerging from Linford's Lunchbox
A Black Mamba frightened many of the celebrities in the jungle today. It was thought that it had come from Linford Christie's lunchbox which he left behind when left the program. Nobody was hurt.
Hugh Hefner Spends a Fortune on Telephone Calls...
... voting for 23-year-old playmate, Kayla, in I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!
Cold Weather Disrupts Travel in Europe for Fourth Day
Al Gore stuck at Gatwick.S-W-E-E-T
The World's Most Wanted Man!
Forget Osama bin Laden... nobody has yet found him. Julian Assange is now the world's most wanted man - and that is not according to Wikileaks.
TURDS threaten the Tea Party movement
The Unified Responsible Democrat Solution formed by disgruntled Democrats wants to "move the bowels of government." "What a load of crap," offered Nancy Pelosi,from the Speaker's throne.
Did Lisbeth Salander tattoo Julian Assange?
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, claims to have tattooed 'WikiLeaks' on Mr. Assange's stomach. Swedish police had no comment.
Swedish police want to question Julian Assange
Who put the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp?
Who put the ram in the rama lama ding dong?
Who put the bop in the bop shoo bop shoo bop?
Who put the dip in the dip da dip da dip?
Where's the man?
Security Hired for Cavaliers-Heat Game
LeBron James' return raises Cleveland's employment rate by 23%.
Eminem leads Granny nominations
'He's a lovely, fit young man' says Edna, 85. Police to investigate...
Thought For The Day:
Ooh, look... snow!
Joe McElderry holds on to Queen
X FACTOR winner Joe McElderry was so nervous when he spoke to the Queen he called her your Royal Highness, rather than your Majesty, when he shook her hand he was so petrified he couldn't let go.
Women - be aware that telepathy is, in fact, extremely rare. Don't take a chance with the man in your life - if you want something, use spoken words, don't just think at him.
UK MPs call drunk limit
UK MPs call for drink-drive limit to be reduced to almost zero, 0.3 mph.
Ahmajinedad cancels trip
Ahmajinedad cancels visit to Saudi Arabia, because of an ongoing head problem. The Iranian President flew to New York for an operation at the Presbyterian Hospital, but was quickly air lifted to Miami
Turkey blames Israel for WikiLeaks, Cockatoo blames Desmond Tutu.
WikiLeaks pinpoints Assange
Julian Assange's hiding location to be revealed in the next WikiLeak disclosure, according to WikiLeaks.
Doomsday postponed to year 2102
New Mayan find, codenamed 'Errata', indicates end of world to happen in 2102, not 2012. Devil's hand suspected in earlier forecast. Find "encouraging", says Clinton.
SETI to Shift Focus
After failing to find extra-terrestrial intelligence, decides to search for extra-terrestrial idiots, instead. Keeps the same acronym.
Palin slams MapQuest as useless
"Doesn't even have a country like Scandinavia."
US Cables cite Canadian insecurity
Canada delighted to be noticed.
International Relations Shattered by Revelations
US insults leave G20 now somewhere between G9 and G12.
WikiLeaks moving to Twitter
Revelations now expected to conclude sometime in 2314.
Swedish Queen caught in scandal
Swedes reject British-style monarchy.
"Libel laws 'are being used by the rich and powerful to gag doctors and scientists'
Middle class still prefer something feathery from Ann Summers.
Researchers find high sugar levels control aggression
Cadbury buys Boots.
Cameron responds to record high complaints about NHS
"Obviously they're feeling well enough to complain."
Obama Killed Bush Probe
Wikileaks Cable: Obama Admin Worked With GOP To Kill Bush Torture Probe. "I don't like the man but I didn't want him tortured", stated Obama.
Another Urban Legend
Old wives tale about not walking under a ladder proven to be an urban legend.
Narrowed Down To 15
75% of Republican party cannot say who the leader of the Republican is!
Abdullah tells tale
In a new Wikileaks revelation Saudi King Abdullah sent this message to the US 'I've got the neck you've got the knife, everyone else can have the tail.'
Charges have been made that 90% of airport TSA screeners are Gay. This premise would explain the enthusiasm generate by the TSA for the enhanced pat down (groping) procedures!
Representative C. Rangel of NY asks campaign donors to call the Capitol switchboard and urge their own US House Representatives to vote to send him to the "Club Fed" retirement facility.
These Loons Deserve Each Other
Taxpayer funded artists (left) who depict Christ covered in ants to meet with sponsors (right) of the creationism theme park. Kentucky Civil Defense units await big bang as matter meets ant-matter!
Cancun Climate Conference Hot Air
Lunatics propose resource/energy rationing in the first world for 10-20 years, so third world countries can pollute way to prosperity. Speakers have advanced cases of marijuana induced brain rot!
The Benefits of Global Cooling
Heavy snowfall in European Capital cities shuts down their government's spending, easing debt crisis. Republican controlled US House predicts snowy winter and spending freeze in Washington DC!
WikiLeaks to Change Name
WikiLeaks is soon to be called WikiDribble, as hackers have shutdown their website!
Speaking about WikiLeaks
LONE RANGER: What do you think about WikiLeaks? TONTO: Treasonous, but shows that foreign and domestic diplomats speak with a forked tongue!
Aerosol Spray for Government Agency Bureaucrats
Scientists have developed a spray that prevents bureaucrats at the FCC, FDA, OSHA, EPA, USDOT, TSA and USFWS from getting into the pants of the American public. It comes in extra strength formulation.
Aerosol Spray for Members of Congress
Scientists have developed a spray that prevents members of Congress from being involved in sex scandals, writing earmarks and having tax evasion problems. It comes in two and six year formulations.
A New Hat in the Ring
The "Anybody But Obama" caucus has selected Dolly Parton to be their presidential candidate in 2012. If the USA wants boobs in the Oval Office, better Dolly then the pair Pres. Obama and VP Biden!
What's in a Group Name
Democratic "Organizing for America" (OFA), Obama's fund raising group is changing its name to make use of the Democratic Party's symbol. It is now to be called Asses for Obama (AFO)!
A group of 30th Century doctors, reviewing old medical records, discovered a 20th Century plague called the Pelosi. The virus was contained in 2011 and lost its potency for infecting people!
Have a Nice Trip
Two million Americans are to gather on the National Mall in 17 days. They will be there to cheer as some members of the 111th Congress leave forever. Tar & feathers have been banned by park police!
Democratic Liberal Left Loons Agenda
Obama & Cong. Democrats only concern is their socialist agenda of income earning caps, spending, environmental voodoo, social engineering, & being liked around the world vice survival of the USA!
Lame Duck Leadership
The lame duck session of the 111th Congress has House Speaker Daffy Duck and Senate Majority Leader Donald Duck doing what ducks/geese have always done, fouling the footpath and Americans shoes!
Help Wanted Ad
Fast food restaurant counterman: Applicant needs no executive, economic or military experience, but must have a Harvard Law Degree and several years of state/federal Senate experience.
President Obama Reverses Position
LONE RANGER: Obama administration will not pursue offshore drilling off the East Coast of the US and the eastern Gulf of Mexico. TONTO: President Obama speaks with forked tongue and kills more jobs!
Women executives making over $300,000 per year who just had a baby are very upset over President Obama's stance on Bush tax cuts. These ladies have had it done to them twice!
What White House Working Group Bipartisan Talks?
LONE RANGER: HML Hoyer, a bill will be brought to the floor that would extend Bush cuts only for the middle class, vice an across-the-board extension. TONTO: Democrats still speak with forked tongue!
Obama's New Taxes to Reduce Budget Deficits
In addition to the Estate tax the IRS announced a Bar Mitzvah tax, a First Communion tax, a Confirmation tax, a Prayer Rug tax, a Wedding tax and a Wake tax! American Indians are exempt.
Far Left Wing Ideologue in Chief is Deaf
Pres. Obama & Congress must work together to stop all tax hikes. New House Speaker Boehner (R) urged the president to heed this message from the American people, but knows he is wasting his breath!
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