Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 1 December 2010
New Weapon Deployed
US deploys 'game-changer' weapon to Afghanistan. "We call it, the Taliblaster!
Unemployed W/O Benefits
FDA: Cutting off unemployment checks wild cut back everyone's spending on holidays...except for alcohol.
New Cab Rules
New York City Considers Cab-Driver Dress Code! No shoeless, shirtless from now on.
No More Taxes
Euro zone crisis concern for U.S. President Obama says US might help bail them out. US citizens say, WE are not going to pay for it. No More Taxes!
Joe Is Talkative!
WikiLeaks has 50 pages of VP Joe Biden quotes and more to be released.
Students laugh over Cameron slip
David Cameron cut himself, slipping on Ice. A group of Students were seen laughing at him.
Global Double-Dip Recession!
The Danger of a Global Double Dip Recession Is Real! In fact, with a European bailout, it's all but here already.
And It's Only Wednesday
The Supreme Court is questioning the government's broad use of exemption in the federal Freedom of Information Act to withhold documents from the public as Obama broadsided for third time this week.
How Much Is Gold Again?
The United States to bail out the fallen Euro with the fallen dollar!
Newspapers To Make A Comeback?
Perfluoroalkyls Used in Fast Food Wrappers Show Up in Human Blood. Better to wrap in newspapers.
But Now It's Official
WH: 'We're Not Scared of One Guy With a Laptop'. 'Everyone with half sense would know we were crooks from way back.'
Your Mike Is Open, Senator
Dem Sen. Bennett On Lame Duck Session: "It's All Rigged"
Police Force Layoff
Cash-Strapped Newark Forced To Lay Off 14% Of Police Force. Crime up 13-15%, say city officials.
Cur Expenses, Increase Income
Commission's deficit plan includes sharp cuts in military, higher retirement age, tax changes, clean fresh hookers.
Wikileaks reveals more #2
Wikileaks has revealed that Julian Assange lived much of this past year in the Chilean mine from which 33 miners were rescued. "It was great" he said "I played with my Nintendo Wii the whole time."
Biden Botches Another One
Biden botches swearing-in of senator. Says he's more use to swearing at.
Big Of Him!
SACRIFICE: Obama offers to delay Hawaiian, Paris, Martha's Vineyard vacations for tax talks...
Obama: We Can Keep Buying Oil!
Obama reneges on pledge to open more areas to oil drilling. Tea Party say they will keep that in mind when he asks for their votes on anything.
More Wikileaks leaks
Wikileaks has revealed that the world was not created by a big bang but by a CIA backed coup. Other revelations show that Elvis is not dead, WWII never happened and butter is better than margarine.
Flight Attendant Jobs Available
100,000 Apply for 1,000 Flight Attendant Jobs. Don't say Americans not looking for work.
Makes Perfect Sense To Idiots
Bonds sink on report of US aid to Europe while we're 13 trillion in debt.
Snoop Dogg Writes Special Song
Snoop Dogg pens bachelor party song for W-W-W-William!
Snipes To Prison
Snipes ordered to Pa. prison for tax evasion after Feds go on Snipe hunt!
Wikileaks reveals more
Wikileaks has revealed that the Beatles split up over a five pound bet John had with Paul that he (Lennon) could spit further than McCartney. When he proved the fact, Paul refused to pay. Shame!!
Home Grown Organs
NY pilot expands organ recovery to at-home deaths. Be sure to call before looking for that bucket to kick.
We Are Not Alone
Speculation: Life has been discovered beyond Earth all over the Internet after NASA's plans for a briefing of scientists who study unusual life forms. "Classify them by their different foreheads."
Obama Wany Us To Fail?
Obama: No offshore drilling in East Coast waters as US oil-fed economy slumps further. Does Obama Want US to fail?
Irekland Discloses Bailout
Ireland discloses bailout deal details. But first, a wee trip over to the pub.
Twitter Lady Gaga Dead?
Lady Gaga is dead - or off Twitter, anyway. And isn't that the same thing? Close!
The night sky may be a lot starrier than we thought.
A study suggests the universe could have triple the number of stars scientists previously calculated. For those of you counting, the new estimate: 300,000,000,000,000,000,000,034.
Russian fury on eve of World Cup vote as Putin blasts Britain bid!
Obama Takes Hypocritic Oath
Social Security cuts are part of deficit plan. Blind and lame will pay President's family shopping trips.
White House: Clinton didn't order diplomats to spy. "We only hired people to spy", say US diplomats.
Little Guy Screwed Again
Social Security cuts are part of deficit plan. But congressmen favorite pet projects and billions in traveling etc, not touched.
Obama Thinking about Sticking to Golf
Obama is thinking about sticking with golf, because basketball is just to hard on his body, and making him move around like an old man.
Neve Campbell Getting Divorced
Neve Campbell didn't want anyone to know she was getting divorced, but her lack of public attention played a keep in no one knowing she got divorced from her husband John Light.
Gore Having A Ball In London
Airports closed as Europe shivers in fresh snowfalls. London visitor Al Gore dug out from under 2,000 snowballs.
Times They Are A-Changing
Baby Names Reveal More About Parents Than Ever Before! Few name grandchildren after their own parents, Moondog and Rainbow.
Slip Of The Tongue
Clinton calls new Iran nuclear talks encouraging. Then realizes that she had said that "encouraging" term on all those WikiLeaks.
Kate Gosselin: Kids Not Expelled
Kate Gosselin said her children weren't expelled from school, they were just asked to kindly go to a different school.
NKorean Wants Peace
NKorean soldier at border wishes for peace. Admits Kim crazy as a loon.
Officials Upset With Ban
Official: Feds won't end drilling ban off Florida. "They'll sit on their ass and let Cuba get it. Then look for a lot of spills because they don't care."
Retirement Age in United States Will Be 95 Years Old, Starting Next Year
Social Security won't go away, but the age you can retire at will be changed to 95 years old, because people are just living longer.
Lame Duck Floating
Lame-duck agenda features political votes means congress will merely float, until January.
'Mule' Arrested In Kentucky
Fat lady in Bear Wallow, Kentucky found with a bag of marijuana crammed up her butt. "Your ass is grass", says local sheriff.
End To Ban Poses Little Risk
End to gay ban poses little risk for military according to the Penis Gone......Pentagon.
INTERPOL issues global arrest request for WikiLeaks' Assange. Too late say many as Leslie Nielson has died.
Cartel Arrests Failed Objective
AP IMPACT: Cartel arrests did not curb drug trade. Like the Taliban, there is always someone to take over.
Betty White wonders if Cloris Leachman is still conscious
"I had that Aussie boy toy, Julian Assange, in Queensland when he called my thingy, his didgeridoo and, I might add, it doesn't leak."
Republican Relish Roll of Spoiled Child
Republicans want tax cuts for rich, screw the rest, and they will act like spoiled children till they get their way.
Wiki Joe? Wiki Marie?
Baby Names Reveal More About Parents Than Ever Before! Over 200 babies named Wiki since Friday.
Return Nuclear Material To Russia?
Former Soviet republic giving up nuclear materials. "We're going to return them to Russia." Won't say how!
Cloris Leachman plans to sue WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange
"When I went out with Julian he used to lovingly call my nether region Wiki, now the bastard is telling the whole world the damn thing leaks, some things are meant to be kept secret between lovers."
What Happened To Oil-Eaters?
ReporterRichard Harris took a dive to bottom of the Gulf on Monday with University of Georgia researcher Samantha Joye in a titanium-hulled deepwater sub named Alvin. What did they find? BP Oil.
Mercury in the body causes homosexual behaviour (in birds)!
Hetro males living near chemical factories, steelworks, raffineries, etc, beware, too much mercury in the body can turn you into a homo, ask Freddy!
Iran Offices Shut Down
Iran shuts offices because of heavy air pollution..or it could be a nuclear meltdown. Either way, offices are shut.
Maybe We Need That?
Europe pins hopes on ECB as crisis fears spread. Refuses to identify what ECB is, exactly.
What's In YOUR Silos?
The former Soviet republic of Belarus announced Wednesday that it will give up its stockpile of material used to make nuclear weapons by 2012...2050 by the latest.
ObamaCare Wrangle #12 & 35
Va. judge dismisses challenge to Obama health care. Tea Party disagrees. "We'll block everything that would turn our government into becoming a socialist state."
Arrival Of The "Game Changer"
US deploys 'game-changer' weapon to Afghanistan: Soap! Once they get their first soaking, skin not use to desert.
Montreal Football Fans are Pissed,eh
"The Canadian Football League's Montreal Alouettes won the Grey Cup & everyone's talking about friggin' WikiLeaks", said ex Mayor Johnny Flag --- "Merde."
New Report Embraced
Conrad, Gregg embrace deficit-commission's report: Take a loan from drug kings in Mexico & then wipe them out. "You hear that Wiki?"
Get Paid More Not Working
2 million lose jobless benefits as holidays arrive. Most the same ones who were jobless this time last year.
Wikileaks Fallout: Clinton Repairs Relations! However, Bill had already stated, "That sounds like her big mouth."
Hillary's WikiLeaks Are Wrong
Obama: Someone impersonated many of us Democrats with WikiLies!
Clinton Flubs Dismissed
White House: Clinton didn't order diplomats to spy. Those official records are wrong...unless it's about Bush.
All Fowled Up
Lame-Duck Congress beginning to fowl up the whole works. It could be the best thing that has happened in years.
Lame Duck Stuck
Senate Republicans threatened Wednesday to block virtually all legislation until expiring tax cuts are extended. "The tax cuts help people hire workers, it's as simple as Biden."
Drug cartels to sue Google
Outraged by new GoogleEarth app: GoogleUnderworld. "We'll sue'em. This is worse than Wikileaks exposing American military," says kingpin Pablo Escapebars.
TSA Offering Free Breast Exams with Every Flight
TSA announced free breast exams with every flight taken in the United States. They hope this will ease the panic induced by their groping/pat-downs.
WikiLeaks Julian Assange Still Missing
Everyone is looking for Julian Assange, but they can't seem to find the WikiLeaks founder. If anyone knows where to find him, they should call Interpol.
Lobbying For World Cup Destination
Frenzied lobbying as World Cup D-day looms. However, according to WikiLeaks, it was decided two years ago.
War Games End
US, S.Korea wrap up war games amid N.Korea crisis. Close with chest butts!
Bear Wallow To Light Up
Downtown Bear Wallow, Kentucky to light up on Thursday. No, not Holidays, it's "Marijuana Thursday" celebrated monthly!
Hillary Should Resign
WikiLeaks founder Assange to TIME: Clinton 'should resign'. Last word heard from Assange after disappearance.
More Damage At Pompeii
2 walls give way in latest Pompeii collapse. 120 new 'frozen-in-time' victims of volcano found. "This may bring even more tourists", say authorities.
More WikiLeaks #3
New WikiLeak reveals that John Kennedy usually referred to Ted Kennedy as "Head Kennedy".
Mel Brooks Spoof
Mel Brooks will begin filming spoof of The Hobbit called The Bobbit!
More WikiLeaks #4
New WikiLeaks show that Bill Clinton lived in fear of castration after Hillary's visit of Bobbit.
More WikiLeaks #2
WikiLeaks show that Sarah Palin killed the last Bigfoot in Alaska and has skin made into rug
WikiLeaks show that there really was another gunman on the grassy knoll.
HIV Testing In Zimbabwe
US launches HIV testing program in Zimbabwe. If it works out well there, we'll use it here.
Euro Crisis Spreads
Euro crisis worries spread as anything that happens in Europe has a bad history.
Putin Tells Obama To Be Smart
Putin: failure to ratify START would be 'dumb'. But many Americans say that a good old-fashioned nuclear race might just get economy going again.
Only A Few Are With Terorist Groups?
Spanish police arrest 7 linked to al-Qaida. That's 273,989 so far.
Sarah Palin said to be upset over NKorea shelling SKorea. "Has Atlanta fallen yet?"
NKorean soldier at border wishes for peace!
Why not reconsider surrendering and we can all be one Korea once again?
President Off To A Good Fart
President Obama Talks with new Congressional Leaders. Answered by practiced quartet of farts.
Food Safety #2
How the new food safety bill might affect you. Everything must be washed eleven times, chewed 12.
New Food Safety
How the new food safety bill might affect you: You can only eat food grown by you and other within 100 miles. Huge savings in gas for vehicles.
A Sputnik Moment
US: China rise a 'Sputnik moment' for clean energy. So where are the windmills, solar houses and fast trains across the US?
Or So It Seems
National debt: Will anyone buy Obama panel's bold plan to overthrow America?
Mr. Potato Head #3
Washington state potato booster in spuds-only protest. Loses 20 pounds. Keeps mumbling "This Spud's For You".
Mr. Potato Head #2
Washington state potato booster in spuds-only protest. Cancels trip to Ireland.
Mr. Potato Head
Washington state potato booster in spuds-only protest. Lost 20 pounds eating only potatoes for a month. Nothing much the last week. "I never want to see another potato."
"Five More Years, I Quit!"
2 million lose jobless benefits as holidays arrive. Should benefits last for five more years?
Pakistan Nukes Worry Many
WikiLeaks: US worried over Pakistani nuke material. Kim of NKorea having little sense.
Digging Deeper into Proposal to Cut National Debt! Many like idea of highly paid politicians charged for expensive lifestyles on taxpayer money.
Social Security Cuts?
Social Security cuts are part of deficit plan but 'bridges to nowhere' not to be cut. Why not cut out S.S. for those making over $250,000 a year.
China Blocks WikiLeaks
WikiLeaks website blocked behind Chinese firewall. "Let's all block them", says Hillary.
Congress Begins Standstill
Lawmakers stand firm on taxes as talks start. Neither side giving an inch. So it's 'plying footsy time for two years.
Juilan Assange karaoke's to AC/DC's Big Balls
At a Wikileaks celebration party in an undisclosed location outside of London, Julian Assange leads fellow supporters in a rousing rendition of AC/DC's hymn to testicular one-upmanship.
Men - be careful, especially when shaving, not to slice open your carotid artery. It will not end well for you.
Whole Lotta Shaking Goin' On in NYC
An earthquake registering 3.9 on the Richter scale hit Manhattan on Tuesday morning. One resident claims that it was the biggest shake up since the last financial crisis.
Wikileaks site said to be brought down by 'ethical hacker'
Well that rules out the U.S. Government then.
"He can't fool one!"
Queen said to be secretly convinced WikiLeaks tell-all founder is actually Andrew Morton in disguise.
"And just what the hell were you thinking?"
Having demonstrated promise during speeches, Prince Andrew engaged to act as substitute host of Jeremy Kyle show.
Police: Get The Magnifying Glass!
No one had noticed it before but apparently for the past two months Snooki and Nick Nolte's mug shots were reversed.
Prince Andrew reinvigorates despairing Guardian reporters
Royal criticism gives tired, weedy staff a new reason to live.
Big Snow In England
Sorry, no trains tonight: Commuters left with travel nightmare as lines shut down in the snow and the worst is still to come. There a line of drunks two miles long trying to find their way home.
Wikileaks Royal family names
Wikileaks coins Royal names! 'The Dinner lady'-Queen 'That Old Bag'-Camilla 'The Alcoholic Prince'-Charles 'Dirty old man'-Philip 'Cedric'-Harry 'King Arthur?'-William.
WikiLeaks! WikiLeaks! WikiLeaks!
Climate Change, Gold Price "feel like Jan Brady"
Charles to take advantage of WikiLeaks Distraction
Queen Camilla to be crowned tomorrow.
Do you really want to piss me off?
WikiLeaks founder Asshange hits back at comics making fun of his surname.
New Dog Breed Love To Breed
Amy Winehouse discovers why her dogs were called "Leg Hounds"!
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