Spoof news snippets from Monday 9 August 2010
Mark & Spencer Cut Costs, Spencer
Mark and Spencer make a big cutback on costs by laying off Spencer, Mark cut down to three days a week.
Tipper Joins The Pigeons
Asked if she would miss anything special about her husband Al Gore, Tipper Gore said that maybe the fun of seeing him standing still long enough that pigeons shit on his head.
Might Need A Bit More!
Gennie Mae and Freddie Mac say they are very thankful to you through your great great great grandchildren for their bailouts.
I WAs Glad 30 Seconds Ago
Lady on street in Florida: Is that an oily founder in your pocket or did you overdo how glad you were to see me?
ACLU Supports Muslim Rights
The ACLU come to the aid of Muslims in America: "They have the legal right to their religious belief in killing the rest of us."
Looked VERY Surprised!
The global warming debate heats up again as Nancy Pelosi somehow hotfooted while using gavel over argument.
Saddam Visited Taleban
Script of famous Saddam Hussein novel he said he was writing found in one of his many homes. Surprisingly, it's about his 1988 trip to Afghanistan entitled, "The Mother Of All Ass Whippings!"
Thought We Had Him!
Top evolutionists disappointed as big idiot found wandering Mojave Desert with knuckles on the ground turns out to be the missing Fink.
More Healthier Though
New breast implants made from a woman's ass fat a lot healthier but taste like shit", say specialists.
Hawking buys new wheelchair
Stephen Hawking has splashed out on a brand new wheelchair. The chair developed by NASA features SKY Plus and a toaster in the armrest. Hawking said his purchase left him feeling, "Out of this world."
Stalones Mother wins Beauty Contest
Sylvester Stalone's mother today won a beauty contest. It was in the Egypt museaum and she won most beautiful mummy. When she moved all the guest fainted with shock.
Take That Reunion Over Already?
Bandmates, Mark Owen and Robbie Williams have seriously fallen out after Mark was asked what he thought of Robbie's swanky wedding clothes; "It's like sprinkling glitter on dog s**t," he replied.
Bad Headline Number 66:
HEADLESS BODY FOUND IN TOPLESS BAR
Many disappointed that Diary kept by Lindsay Lohan while in jail is mostly drawings of dongs.
Maybe We Need It
Obamacare may be needed after all due to 60% of Americans being sick that we have him as President for another two whole years!
UFO landing in LA having ten boobs and six penises to complicate definition of marriage.
Other Great Uses For Beer
Overcomes your shyness and get out on the dance floor and puke till they all dance like you, sliding all over the floor.
Another good uses for beer: It keeps your feet from being sunburned and it can't shine past your belly.
Stimulus: $2.4 Billion to Make Cars Greener! "We have painted nearly a third of ours green so fer", says mayor of one Arkansas mayor. "Got a green thumb too, look!"
Must Have Been The Right One
Poll: Most Americans say they think they married the right person. "I mean, she's the one who came down the aisle. I didn't even know the others with her."
Rich Living Is Rough
New York City has 650,000 millionaires. Over 10,000 of them cannot afford an apartment.
"Lets Go Beat Her Ass!"
Several public schools say that class bullies now wearing Taliban gear.
World Sauna Championships
It's been revealed that the competitor who died during The World Sauna Championships in Finland yesterday, was "hot favourite."
Tree-Sitter Stayed Too Long
Tree sitter accidentally ground up in wood chipper. "Whoops! Better stop and pour him out."
"Shall I Carry Your Bag For You Sir?"
New Study: No matter how drunk you get, some women and men will just not look good. Your best bet, the old reliable bag. It's out of fashion but it still works.
Copperfield Doesn't Know Where They Went
Families of those on airplane that David Copperfield made disappear on live TV, sue the magician for 20 million over lost loved ones.
He's Done Similiar Things
large Hadron Collider missing! Interpol checking with David Copperfield.
Toon It Up!
KIM JONG-IL says he will scrap nuclear program for food for NKoreans, complete set of Loony Tunes and Fractured Funnies!
Bridge To Nowhere
Former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin says she's actually been on "bridge to nowhere". "I think McCain and I spent 4 months there in last election."
Oscar Winner Dies
Oscar-winning actress Patricia Neal dies at age 84. Or she's doing a darn good job acting like she's dead.
Lennon Killer Up For Parole
John Lennon's killer up for parole again in NY. Yoko Ono: "All we are saying is give piece of his hide!"
Might Take Awhile
Statue of Liberty to get new staircase for safety: "In case of fire, run down 357 steps.
One Down, One To Go
Police: 1 of 2 Ariz. escapees captured in Wyoming, while playing with deer and antelope.
Death Wish Driver Caught Speeding
A terminally ill motorist was caught doing 100 mph in a 60 mph zone, smoking a cigarette and gesticulating at other motorists. He was given a 3-year ban from driving. Let's hope he lives that long!
Brussels Tax Britons
Now Brussels wants to tax Britons directly with EU-wide levies on banks and air travel. Cameron: Kiss IT!
Rwandan Prez Expected To Win
Rwandan president expected to win election handily, or handless, voters choice.
Some Really Sick!
NYPD cops probed for 'faking' mental illness for benefits. Even worse, many aren't faking.
Tiger Off His Game!
AUGUST DAZE: Tiger Woods Slumps To All-Time Low; Worst Tourney of Career...but had a great time off the course.
Everybody's Talking About Me!
KUDLOW: Panic at White House over stalled economy. PAPER: Time to admit Obamanomics has failed. Bernanke: Time for all good men to come to the aid of their country through their pocketbooks.
Hawking Trying To Help
Physicist Stephen Hawking: Abandon the Earth! Come with me back to my own planet!
Female? How Can You Tail?
Robot expresses and detects emotions. "You're horny as all get-out', sat scantily clad female Robot.
More Bailouts Needed
Freddie Mac needs $1.8 billion more from taxpayers. Michelle another 1.5 million for trips with other grieving friends. To apply for trip, Sen name, phone number and who you lost to mourn.
About Michelle's Trip
EAST WING FIRES BACK: First lady took vacation with 'dear friend' whose father recently died in January 2007.
Woman To Head Intelligence Agency
First woman to head major US intelligence agency. Archie Bunker grave collapsed from spinning body.
No Dog Food
Fido's food could be making kids sick, report says. Parents warned not to allow kids to eat Gravy Train no matter how good it looked on TV.
Heliocoptors To Fly Over In Salute
Former enemies US, Vietnam now military mates. Vietnam to rename hotel, McCain Hilton Minh.
Sponges Noticve Difference
Crabs provide evidence oil tainting Gulf food web. SpongeBob says boss has mellowed.
Crabs Hold The Answer
Crabs provide evidence oil tainting Gulf food web. Some Gulf Restaurants say they're twice as crabby.
Kim Jong Il, Genius!
N. Korea fires 110 rounds of artillery near sea border. Has fake opening for a tunnel painted on mountainside rock, hoping SKoreans will think it's a real tunnel and run into it.
Kim Pissed Again
N. Korea fires 110 rounds of artillery near sea border, over 10,000 firecrackers on the SKorean border to provoke them.
Lanky footystar Peter Crouch beds a Hooker half his size!
Very tall Peter Crouch has bedded a Nigerian hooker half his size and explains why, "she just reached my 'dicky' with her mouth without bending and blew me away!" His fiancee wasn't happy!
Zombies Best With Adults
'Twilight,' 'Vampire Diaries' dominate Teen Choice! Mummies, Werewolves object.
Stallone Misses Parts Of Movie, Most Of Them
Stallone back to big action in 'The Expendables'. Breaks hip in second scene. Stuntman fills in rest on the movie.
Obama on the road to promote higher-ed, raise cash for Michelle's next vacation.
German mosque used by Sept. 11 attackers shut down. Will reopen at Ground Zero in New York.
House members scurry back to pass jobs bill. Scurry being the perfect word to describe them.
Former enemies US, Vietnam now military mates. Jane Fonda to launch protest.
NKorea Fires Missiles Out To Disputed Sea Area
NKorea fires artillery off west coast. Several whales dead an GreenPeace sore now. Will try to scramble Kim's catoon channels.
Korean Troubles Continue
North Koreans seize South Korean fishing boat. South Korean soldies piss across line into North Korea. Tension builds and both sides moon each other.
Some Good News
UPDATE: 7-year-old girl can run lemonade stand without license. Hey, a victory for free enterprise. However, IRS to keep a watchful eye.
What About Kid's With No Library?
Another Impoverished City To Close All Libraries. Michelle's trip to Spain could have saved them.
Obama Nominated For NBA Hall Of Fame
Shoots ball with NBA players - before wounded warriors. "I remember when we could do that", says one offended vet.
BACHELOR: Obama caps weekend alone with golf, hoops, bbq, plans to drive small business out with higher taxes.
Not The Same Party
Obama still spending his web. Can you believe this is the same party as that of Truman's humble leadership or the guts of John Kennedy?
Obama Same Old Politician
Millions of voters had hopes that this would be different, but same old bullshit, only more of it.
Hope He's Forgiven
King Barack Obama to fall on his knees before Vietnam to apologize for horrid war. He's not being forgiven here yet.
FED SET TO DOWNGRADE OUTLOOK! We had to include the Queen's trip to Spain.
"Drug Lords, What Drug Lords?
United States asks to borrow one trillion from drug lords on Mexico border and their partners on this side.
Trip Coating Taxpayors
Trip costing U.S. taxpayers $75k a day. Trip may add China to list as we'll need to borrow a bit more.
The Reign In Spain...
While president preaches sacrifice, his family frolics in Spain. "Obama says she came bring back one thing for him, "Spanish Boots of Spanis Leather." (See Dylan)
Michelle's Hefty Bill
BAKER: 'Lady Michelle Leaves taxpayers with hefty bill. If we wanted a hefty Bill, we would have given Clinton a third term!'
Keep Sharp Eye Out For Weapons
Jane Fonda appointed special ambassador to Vietnam.
Oh, That's OK Then!
Gazpacho, turbot, veal & ratatouille with the king, Lavish Obama vacation in time of economic turmoil raises eyebrows.
Obama claims trip paid for by profits from Vivtory Garden at White House.
"Let Them Eat Oil!"
Gazpacho, turbot, veal & ratatouille with the king, Lavish Obama vacation in time of economic turmoil raises eyebrows.
Lowers Democrat's hopes for November.
Lady Obama's Vacation
Lavish Obama vacation in time of economic turmoil raises eyebrows. Nancy Pelosi'd are on top of her head.
Dinner With The King, We Pay For
Gazpacho, turbot, veal and ratatouille with the king, Lady Obama asks about his Royal Highness's gout.
Let them Eat Burritos
Michelle Antoinette is dining with the Spanish King and Queen on fine Iberian cuisine. Unemployed American workers are eating bean burritos and rice at Taco Bell!
White House Anti-Obesity Program
Republicans have announced that when they take over Congress, the White House food budget will be reduced to zero. Michelle is advised to expand her garden to include the entire south lawn.
A Bad Decision
A day after Elena Kagan is sworn in as an Associate Justice of the Supreme Court she pissed off Chief Justice Roberts. Court watchers think it was her ordering pink robes & lavender courtroom drapes!
Obama asks Congress to Fund Border Fence
The funding is for a 30 ft high, 3 ft thick concrete wall to completely surround Iraq. A wall is cheaper & safer than stationing US troops. Iraqi Muslims can continue to blow each other up unabated!
Lost in Translation
The controversy over building a Mosque near ground zero in NYC has led to a new translation of the word. A group of language scholars believe the word Mosque is Greek not Arabic, meaning Trojan horse!
A heterosexual atheist observed that "how can chasing single women between 21 and 40 years of age be a sin of the flesh, when human females are so cute and alluring."
Finally an Explanation for Deficit Spending
Christina Romer, President Obama's most important economic adviser, is quitting her post. A White House source said the president was furious when he found out she couldn't balance her own checkbook!
The Ultimate Sex Tax
Obama administration to mandate an implanted Vagina/Penis Chip that gets into everyone's pants. It radios back to the IRS any form of intimacy heterosexual, homosexual or unisexual for tax purposes.
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