Spoof news snippets from Sunday 8 August 2010
Zsa Zsa Latest
Zsa Zsa Gabor hospitalized until at least Monday, Dahling!
Spike Lee Says Oil Still There
Spike Lee bashes US report on vanished Gulf oil. "It's still there, hiding behind whales and shit like that."
Taliban Get Scolding
Clinton condemns slaying of aid workers. "That was a bad bad thing! Taliban bad...bad!"
Look That One's Got Six Legs!
Ariz. escapees believed to be in Yellowstone area disguised as Bison.
King Returns Dance
Michelle Obama meets Spain's king and does a small dance in his honor.
Obama Tell Biden To Nip It!
Nun's death rallies anti-immigration forces. VP Joe Biden says the George Bush Administration pushed the nun in front of the drunk driver.
Chavez: US diplomat won't be accepted as envoy. Diplomat asks if he'd accept a kick in the ass.
Ancient Bison Not Rescued
Ancient bison kill site uncovered in Montana. GreenPeace hurries off to see who killed these ancient bison.
Huge ice island calves off Greenland glacier! GreenPeace hurries to save calves!
Taliban Bunch Of Jerks
Slain doctors brought medical care to Afghans, biting the hands that were feeding them.
Obama Tours Saigon MoPed Factory...Likes What He Sees!
Obama took the wheel of a 50cc bike and 8 Vietnamese hopped on behind him for a spin through the parking lot. "Well", Said Barry, "it's not for me, but I bet Barney Frank would love to try it!"
Michelle Takes Close Friends to China Sea for Day of Surfing!
Flying in for the weekend, Michelle and 75 close friends had the beach to themselves after it was cordoned off. "For the 2nd time in my life, I'm proud to be an American...Hey, what's for dinner?"
Obama Visits Mass Grave in Hue, Offers Insight!
"These people should just have made a better attempt to communicate and understand the 'other side.' I know it works for me...you've just got to be more tolerant and patient...and send a lot of money!
Obama Views Famous John Kerry 'swift boat' in Hanoi Museum!
Refuses to commit on shit stains in pilots helm seat or' blood stains' later determined to be ketchup which enabled Kerry to Exit the campaign 3 months early.
Obama Views Famous Anti-Air Craft Gun Jane Fonda Sat on in Hanoi!
He also sniffed it...but not in a distainful way.
Obama Avoids Site of Buddist Burnings in Saigon!
A spokesman said Barry just had no interest. Said Barry off camera, "No big fucking deal...they got off easy, where I come from they stone 'em to death...especially the women. Pussies!"
Obama Orders 2 dozen New Suits from Saigon Tailor During Visit!
Luckily,the tailor, Ngung Phoug Mei, still has existing patterns from Nehru Suits popular years back and worn by village organizers who terrorized farmers
and redistributed their rice during the war.
Obama Becomes First American to Chu Hoi!
Barry becomes an honorary 'Hoi Chanh' as he repudiates America, Capitalism, Freedom and promises to 'lay down arms of aggression' at Saigon State Dinner
announcing new trade agreement with Vietnam.
Obama Visits Hanoi Hilton To View Room Where McCain Spent 5 years!
Emerging from the cell a smiling Obama declared, "shit, it's better than rooms in Detroit, and a lot better than my brother George's pad in Kenya...what's the big F*****g deal!"
Obama Plays 18 at Bien Hoa Airport Course & Survives, But Caddy Killed in Mine Accident!
Obama apologizes but says," I knew the drive was out of bounds, but , it was a brand new Pro V1...them fuckers cost $5 a piece plus $1 for the Presidential Seal....I can't afford that kind of shit!"
Ted Turner & Jane Fonda Donate 100 Bison to Vietnam!
Said Ted, "they can't plow for shit and hate water, but you can eat the bastards and they don't taste bad with a little nuoc mam sauce over rice!"
(Nuoc Mam is Vietnam's version of Marmite XXXO)
Vietnam Resells 500,000 Abandoned M-16s on World Market After Making them 'Jam Proof.'
Didn't take long to figure out technology was too advanced and tolerances too tight. Recoil and ejection parts replaced with spare parts from Kalashnkovs which are never needed for $.25 a unit.
56,000 People Dead, And Some Still like Michelin Tyres!
Uncle Ho was a staunch ally during WWII but US rebuffed his efforts to gain freedom from French Colonialism. Some say US entered war to protect rubber plantation for French who don't appreciate SHIT!
Obama Puzzled after Visiting Chu Chi Tunnels During Vietnam Tour!
"40 years and you haven't plugged these F*****g holes yet? Your press must be in the tank for Ho Chi Minh!"
Obama Visit to Saigon Helps to Resistribute Wealth!
Walking tour of Tu Do street costs American Taxpayers over $124,000 as Barry & Secret Service tricked into buying Saigon Tea for charming local guides.
Vietnam Tries to Even Balance of Trade with US!
Returns 3,275 pallets of Pabst Blue Ribbon found in outdoor jungle supply depot that not even Marines would drink.
Obama Heralds New Partnership with Vietnam in two words!
SIN LOY! (sorry bout that)
Obama Apologizes and bows to Viet Nam over 'misunderstanding'
Says mathematics involved in McNamara's Body Count Policy were flawed and led to 'change nobody believed in. Vows " GM will make it up to you as we have new accounting procedures!"
Vietnam Finally Tells Truth to US at Beer 31 Summit!
Jane Fonda faked her orgasm whilst sitting on the cannon!
Lance Has New Book
Lance Armstrong Admits to Doing Sheryl Crow using only one ball, in new book out in January.
Witness Kind Of Vague
Suspect at large after man shot in vehicle on I-680. Witness says it was a man or woman with what looked like a gun or tank. Didn't really pay attention.
Mixed Grade Of Oil
Allen gives BP mixed grade for oil spill response. Part oil, part sea water.
Foot Soldier Screwed As Usual
Former enemies US, Vietnam now military mates! Politicians try to explain 56,000 deaths.
All Depends Which Decade, Century You're In!
Former enemies US, Vietnam now military mates. Join Japan, Germany, Italy, Great Brittain. Quit supplying weapons to Taliban to fight Russians.
Vietnam, US Now War Buddies
US complets war supplies shipments to Vietnam. It gets harder and harer to identify enemies these days.
Early SS Retirement
Forced to retire, some take Social Security early, like a hundred dollars a month at 45.
New Study I Guess
Narcissistic Men Typically Direct Their Rage at Straight Women. Leave bent ones alone.
US-Vietnam Now Buddies
Former enemies US, Vietnam now military mates. "What say we go over and kick Iran's ass?"
Former enemies US, Vietnam now military mates. "What's old Cambodia up to these days?"
US & Vietnam War Buddies
Former enemies US, Vietnam now military mates. "Why were we so stupid? Eight years! Duh!"
Former enemies US, Vietnam now military mates. "Sing Country Joe & Fish "WE're All Going To Die".
US-Vietnam Chums #2
Former enemies US, Vietnam now military mates. Laugh over Tet Offensive!
Former enemies US, Vietnam now military mates. John McCains buy hotel there.
CEO Settles With Accuser
AP source: Ousted HP CEO settles with accuser. "I'm down to my last millione", he tells press while holding out his hat.
Future Course Set
Personality Set for Life By 1st Grade, Study Suggests. If you're a little bitch at six, you'll be a big one by sixty!
First Grade Is It
Personality Set for Life By 1st Grade, Study Suggests! If you fill your pants at six, you will by 66!
Medicare's private eyes let fraud cases get cold as they are now behind some 20,000 cases.
Fidel Castro returns from the dead with a massive "Cuba Libra!"
Castro, Cuban revolutionary President returns from the dead promising to continue to f**k imperialistic Yankee pigs and f**k every long-legged Cuban beauty who crosses his path, una Cuba libra mas!
New Wembley Surface
The FA announced this morning that the Wembley surface will be relayed with old copies of newspapers. A spokesman defended this bizarre decision by saying that "England are a good team on paper."
Robbie Williams is "straight" Take f*****g That!
Robbie Williams, gay icon and worshipped by many of them has stuffed em all and married a female, shocking Ducky! There's still hope yet!
FDA declares Gulf seafood safe to eat
Unless you don't like toxic, cancer causing chemicals infused into your Seafood, then it's probably not a good idea to eat it but other than that, it's fine.
Misunderstanding mechanical voice, assistant brings Stephen Hawking a black Ho.
Chicken abuse now blamed on a few bad colonels, especially bird colonels.
Keeps Class Awake
Report: College classes called too boring will have changing backdrop slides of nude females, males.
Channel 577 On Cable
Lame television aimed at kids, adults in second childhood!
Scientist Too Late
Too late, scientists who discovered space elevator finds out that it leads to Mother Ship.
The Mute Button
Grandpa why do you mute the TV when Pres Obama speaks? Son I listened to every speech of the last 10 US Presidents, but this man talks, says nothing important & blames everyone else for his errors!
Balance the Budget
The fallacy of letting the Bush tax cuts expire to pay down the deficit is that Congress will find other ways to blow the money. Any Congress (Dem. or Rep.) must stop spending and balance the budget!
KFC to Serve Duck
KFC to add duck, as well as serving chicken, to their fast food menu for a short period in mid-November 2010. Apparently there will be a plethora of "lame ducks" available!
Democrats are constantly "Bush bashing!" Republicans are now striking back via "Obama objurgation!" (Look it up in your Merriam-Webster dictionary.)
Confused Elementary School Student
A discussion of gay marriage led to an elementary school student being sent to the principal's office. The student asked his teacher "how does a penis fit inside another penis?"
A Fine Legal Point
Prostitute asks to be reclassified as a slot machine. Her lawyer argued that slot machines are legal in many of the states, while prostitution is not!
Rally for MLB Players
Congress ban of MLB players using chewing tobacco, scratching crotches & patting each other's butts sparks a rally on the Capitol steps. Feminists, sport fans, ACLU & many diverse groups participate.
Riot at Rally for MLB Players
Police called to Capitol steps to restore order. Feminists, sport fans, ACLU & many diverse groups began chewing tobacco, scratching each other's crotches & patting each other's butts sparking a riot.
OSHA orders the EPA to cut down every tree in the USA. This act will save lives and protect property (houses, cars, boats) from falling tree damage when thunderstorms, hurricanes and tornadoes occur!
Obama's New Plan to Reduce Unemployment Numbers
President Obama asks Congress for $10 billion to buy unemployed US workers airline tickets to India and China, where their jobs went. Thus, by the November elections US unemployment will be reduced!
The Long and the Short of it
Milwaukee WI teachers union is fighting to get its taxpayer funded drug Viagra reinstated. Union members are facing layoffs, which mean the male teacher's are coming up short everywhere!
84 year old Fidel Castro told parliament he would not remove the missiles from Cuba unless President Obama lifted the blockade. Cuban officials indicated Fidel's cryogenic capsule had malfunctioned!
The Pennsylvania Amish Are Starting To Roll Into Modern Times
Pennsylvania declares that the state will purchase automobiles for the entire Amish community. One Amish leader Sol Burkerwitz asks if the state can also throw in garages.
All of Mississippi's Restaurants Say That They Will Comply With The New Restaurant Directive
The state of Mississippi has just banned the use of the words "Road Kill" in any of its restaurant menus.
Will All of The NBA's Japanese Players Please Stand Up
A group calling itself The White Oriental Folk of Louisiana protest in front of The New Orleans Arena saying that the NBA has way too many black players and not enough Japanese players.
The State of Massachusetts Is Sorry For Burning Up All of Those Salem Witches
Massachusetts apologizes for burning dozens of Salem witches at the stake. One senator said that just because a woman just happened to look like a witch was no reason to turn her into a brisket.
Cher, Who is 89, Explains Why She Is So Upset
The former singer known as Cher says that she is really upset because she just noticed that her wrinkles now have wrinkles.
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