Spoof news snippets from Saturday 7 August 2010
As Long As You Don't Fall Off!
Nutritionists say that the common turnip is one of the healthiest foods a person can eat. Truckloads coming out of Kentucky, Tennessee.
Men Not Getting Enough Sleep
Texas, New Mexico and Kentucky leads the nation in "not getting enough sleep". Number one problem? Penis too big to turn over during the night. Have to get up and come around the bed.
Huge heatwave wallops the South, flashes through the Mid-East and punches out the Northeast and heads for Maine still kicking ass!
Creek takes witness stand! Washes away judge and jury.
Jobs Data Hits Obama
Latest jobs data is blow to Obama election hopes, not that he had much of any.
Set By First Grade
Personality Set for Life By 1st Grade, Study Suggests. "Those that cry and blame everybody else for everything, a politician."
Kagan sworn in as fourth woman on Supreme Court, although in photograph of new group, there are only three.
Fighting Fire With Fire
Guy who hated cell phone rings finally gets one with "Barney Google" on it. Turns it up loud and calls himself on purpose.
Chicken Crosses Road
Dead dog flattened thought to have attempted to follow chicken across the road. Perhaps they cross because they hate dogs.
So, Where Is It?
"What this nation needs is an alternative fuel" says every politician for the past fifty years.
Man caught at Chicago O'Hare Airport with explosive bestseller in hi coat pocket!
CIA official: Don't think of it as my weapon, think of it as the opposite of it "Not being a weapon".
That One With Gut A Condor?
Police in Illinois say buzzards and bird watchers led them to the victim's body!
A Reminder From Michelle
Hollywood stars come out to do fundraiser to allow Michelle Obama to go on another Spain Vacation. look for their call.
Solmali pirates take over nuclear submarine. Threaten WWIII unless one trillion dollars in small bills be delivered by next weekend.
We Shall Return
Study reveals that U.S.nuclear weapons buried under western mountains not ready for all out nuclear attack as several misfire during tests. Apologies to the Philippines.
Twelve Following Obama Everywhere
Congress that approves bill to allow for twelve aides to be killed and buried with Obama when he passes away."As long as they are all democrats", says GOP!
Trash Pick-Up Picked Up
Calif. beaches say they may raise speed limit on trash pick-ups to 50 MPH in order to cut time costs, cover more beach area per day, but not on Gulf as vehicles hit slick, run out of control.
Too Much Into Sports
Big sports fan with Fantasy Baseball Team franchise believes that he might have a torn achilles tendon or rotator cuff again tripping over dog.
Some Players More Honest
Experts: HS football concussions merit more study. Also, many hit in the balls during pile-up on purpose, hopping to sidelines for injured foot before yelling "IT'S MY BALL!" once they reach it.
Bad Headline Number 65:
PHOTOGRAPHER SHOOTS HIMSELF WITH CAMERA
Flight Attendants Told to Lose Weight or Else...
A Turkish airline has grounded 28 flight attendants for being overweight. They have been given 6 months to lose weight otherwise they will be reassigned... to make chocks for the aircraft.
First Tin In 4 Months
Steamboat, low-flying plane and ten Hang Gliders collide in freak accident.
Back On Campaign Trail
President Obama may go on tour in August of 2010 to the states that allow medical marijuana smoking. He will be riding the "Munchymobile!"
In a misunderstanding, a sex-changed Osama Bin Laden has has his ass beaten by Taliban over no veil.
Tall For A Woman
New Al-Qaeda video may show first footage of terror chief since sex change. Check latest pic of Olivia Ben Laden.
Eldrick Woods Shoots High Again
Eldrick Woods near the back of the pack and 'Tiger' disappears!
Gate Crasher Caught
Donna Shalala Detained at Tel Aviv Airport. Claimed she was Golda Meir's granddaughter.
Their Version Of The Shoe
Boy Scouts boo Obama. Girl Scouts throw cookies at his head.
Sacrifice So We Can Play
While Obama preaches sacrifice, his family frolics in Spain. "Sorry, but that's politics!"
200,000 Deaths Due To Errors
Over 200,000 patients die each year due to hospitals. "But that's less that 3% say doctors.
Jobs In Mexico
Mexican drug cartel say they have a lot of jobs for drug mules to help smuggle drugs across the border. "The bigger the ass, the better."
Miss America Pageant
Miss America Pageant drops talent competition because that was when everyone turned their channels to other things until swimsuit session came back on.
Promises Worth Weight In Shit
Democrats promise to cut huge tax bill next year to only 90% huge tax bill, if elected.
Come On Rain!
GOP hoping for lots of rain in toss-up states so there will be plenty of mud to sling.
Pickpockets Deeply Into Pockets
Pickpockets hoping for larger conventions ever between now and next Prez election. Having a great Tea Party as we speak!
Looking To 2014
Ralph Nader promised position of Recalled Old Auto Clap-Trapper Czar in Obama Administration.
Tired Of Taliban
Terrorists agree to call themselves Holy Sacred Terrorists!
Not So Boring
Republicans, Democrats to merge convention in 2013 to save money. Should be interesting.
Gore On The Floor
Al Gore says this is his last warning about global warming. Everybody stands up and cheers! "No more warnings!"
Be Sure & Get A Second Opinion!
Country doctor in Mississippi can't stand to deliver bad news so he touches up your X-Rays.
Mysterious disease imperils millions of bats in U.S. as Louisville Slugger lays off workers for first time.
WikiLeaks to publish more secret government files, including Obama's Kenyan Birth Certificate, AP says.
Moscow Passes LA
Fires and smog have now moved Moscow past Los Angeles on most polluted city list. Moscow says it will be better after fires extinguished. LA says they are glad they don't have fires here.
Street Performers Banned
Street performers are being banned from Las Vegas. "We don't hurt their trade any", stated one. "How would they like to live on quarters from kid's ears?"
Got Their Owen Flavor
KFC and Taco Bell had both announced that they are using cooking oil that is free of trans fats in all their restaurants. Now they are outlawing trans farts. That's right, no transvestite farts.
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie may be breaking up after biography of Angie comes out. If they split, they both agree that the kids would be better off being raised by chimps.
The NHL is considering banning fighting in ice hockey. Also, not supplying extra hockey in Chimp Leagues!
A new experimental contraceptive has been developed that not only prevents pregnancy, it prevents PMS. Could reduce murder rate by 25%.
The U.N. Security Council expressed "concern" over Iran's continued arming with nuclear weapons and threaten to severely threaten with bad words.
New President's Day?
After what has happened with our last four Presidents, American public may change President's Day to April First!
The Skunk Whisperer Announces Retirement
"Maybe now my wife will let me back into the house."
The Skunk Whisperer Announces Retirement
"No one would ever hire me for speaking engagements."
Betty Is The Richest!
Betty Cockerill of Plains, Georgia turns out to be the wealthiest woman in America. Wants to know how the IRS got into her mattress.
Time Square Roving Blackouts
Time Square to save energy at night with giant rotating signs. "This actually brings out our product, place better", say advertisers.
Are We Dense Or What?
Amazing new penis-enhancement product turns out to be spam after all!
Gore The Ecologist!
Al Gore Caught throwing condom wrappers out the window of vehicle while doll sitting in his lap.
Gores & Dolls
Al Gore Caught With real-like dolls by reporters at store. "OK, so I got some dolls. At least they'll be more responsive than Tipper!"
Al Gore Buys Harem
Al Gore steps in it again. Caught purchasing nine "True-Like Dolls" he tells reporters, "I've given them all names of old girlfriends Tipper hated, except the one that sits & watches. She's Tipper."
High Court Ruling Suspicious!
High Court to decide if marijuana smoking just as dangerous to drivers as being..you know...out there..driving things.
US Too Big To Fail!
New study shows that America too big to fail. "Every food exporter in the world would go busted, then they couldn't buy from others."
Test Firing Succeeds!
The first firing of a nuclear weapon by private citizen leads Billionaire to pay for small uninhabited island.
Then We'll Vote Again!
Judge Judy may become the judge to decide if same sex marriages are legal!
RAF In WW1 Status
Budget cuts will leave the RAF with fewer aircraft than any time since World War One. "Thank You" for info say enemies.
Just Doing Dance
I was only doing traditional Turkish dance, claims husband arrested for assaulting his wife, the Happy Slappy!
"Hey Baltimore - Play Ball!"
Many people truly believe that Baltimore was named after Lord Baltimore. The city was actually named after the baseball team The Baltimore Orioles.
The Q-Tip Has Just Barely Scratched The Surface of The Ear Drum
The Q-Tip was invented in Quebec, Canada. It was first known by the name 'that little itty bitty stick with two little itty bitty pieces of cotton on each end.'
You Would Think That The Grand Lady Would Have Been A Little More Modest Huh?
In the no one, but no one knows this department. The Statue of Liberty is not wearing any underwear.
The City That Is Now Know As Buffalo Had A Horribly Stupid Name Before
The city of Buffalo was originally named Anteater, but it was changed because Buffalo sounds one hundred times better than Anteater!
Billy "The Umpire Hating" New York Yankees Manager Has Left The Stadium
New York City's Empire State Building was originally known as The Umpire State Building. But due to complaints from Yankees manager Billy Martin, who hated umpires, the name was changed.
If Memory Serves Me Right - The Answer Is William Penn
William Penn who invented oat meal also invented the nation's first memory stick, but no one seems to remember.
New Hampshire Wants To Take Arizona's Tourists
The state of New Hampshire plans on changing to a new tourist friendly slogan: Come To New Hampshire, It's A Whole Lot More Quieter and Peaceful Than Arizona For Effen Sakes.
New Bieber Movie
New biographical movie of Justin Bieber coming up, "Banana Montana"!
Hold Off Awhile
Latest economics report that you don't have to jump out of the high rise window for now but don't let anyone put bars over it.
New movie box office smash 'Encryption'
Steve Carel plays engraver who puts secret messages on Bowling Trophies.
Welfare Recepients Mock Workers!
Britain's benefits bonanza: How 100,000 households rake in more than average wage in welfare every year! So why work?
Can't Concentrate With All Those Women Out There!
Tiger Woods tied for 72nd place in current golf tournament. Wife must have whacked him good.
Watch What You Say
Connecticut police say they arrested a man at a management company after he mentioned the shooting rampage across the state that killed nine people. "President O doesn't allow that kind of talk."
Welcome To Recovery
Welcome to the economic recovery: 149,000 more jobs lost!
The Man In Red
Women find men in red more appealing? Somewhat drawn to Santa Claus, dead popes.
Frenchman Survives Fall!
French man survives 75-foot fall at Grand Canyon. Doctors say the only major change is that he's now two & a half feet tall!
Barack Obama gets Hollywood sidewalk star for acting like a President.
Snooki Gets Roommate
'Jersey Shore' introduces new cast member, a roommate for Snooki, called "Pokey".
Scales Thrown Out
Are Americans now more honest about their weight? Most say no, we never weigh ourselves anymore.
Responders To Gulf Spill
Responders to Gulf oil spill wrap up refining week. Sorry, that should be "defining" week.
Tragedy In The Smokey Mountains
Stranded Hikers choose cannibalism over potted meat with imitation beaks and talons.
A Beautiful Celebration
Schwarzenegger: Let the gay marriages begin! Handsome Couple Celebrates Beautiful, Committed Relationship with flowers, huge cake, balloon-drop and Crap-Covered Penises.
Gay Marriages #2
California Governor says :Let the gay marriages begin! Priests Consider Implications of Latest Ruling.
Gay Marriages Legal?
Schwarzenegger: Let the gay marriages begin! Many gays celebrate in the traditional way.
Let The Gays Begin!
Schwarzenegger: Let the gay marriages begin: Some Butts Suffer as Newbies Celebrate Ruling.
Candidates Flee Links To Washington
Washington ties dash hopes for political promotion. "Barack Osama? Never heard of him!"
Cereal Killer Still On The Loose
Michigan police search for suspected cereal killer, especially around the Battle Creek area.
Gropers In The Mist
Smog over Moscow worsens as wildfires rage as gropers in the mist have a field day.
Tanker Released By Pirates
Somali pirates leave hijacked oil tanker after 1 day after siphoning off all the oil.
Not The Leaking Oil Well
Many in congress say that making same sex marriages legal will not help stop up WikiLeak!
Schwarzenegger: Let same-sex weddings resume now. Louisiana gets the work and shotgun weddings begin in the woods.
Got A Sweet Deal On Corvete Fleet
AP Sources: Volunteers coaches interviewed by NCAA. Asked about football recruits driving Corvettes.
Calif. Guv Ready For Same Sex Marriages
Schwarzenegger: Let same-sex weddings resume now. Ky-Jelly to build ten new factories in California.
We Need Every Nation To Have Nuclear Capability
US-Vietnam nuke deal will likely allow enrichment. Next in line, Cambodia. "Always trusted those Cambodian leaders".
Castro To Attend Session
Fidel Castro to attend session of Cuba parliament. They will be invited over to the Castro mansion.
Another Prize For O
US-Vietnam nuke deal will likely allow enrichment. Nuclear Vietnam? Obama surely headed for a second Nobel Peace Prize.
They "Promise" Not To Enrich!
US-Vietnam nuke deal will likely allow enrichment, as Barack Obama continues on his quest to wipe out America!
What Can Guv Do For You?
Plugging the WikiLeak: What can the government do? About the same thing they did with oil leak. Diddly squat!
Politician Walking Both Sides Of The Road
Schwarzenegger: Let same-sex weddings resume now. We can annul them later.
Personality Created In 1st Grade
Personality Set for Life By 1st Grade, Study Suggests. Genius headed for Spoof Writing, math cheaters for politics.
Study Could Be Right
Personality Set for Life By 1st Grade, Study Suggests. Those who's mothers drove them to school each day, still at home 45 years later.
Set In First Grade
Personality Set for Life By 1st Grade, Study Suggests. Study compiled by those who studied things in the 1st grade.
South Rising Again #2
10 years on, mystery of recovered Confederate sub remains. Tea Party member says that it is symbolic of what's about to happen once again. "Just took us 150 years to reload."
South Is Rising Again
10 years on, mystery of recovered Confederate sub remains. Many in South believe that lifting vessel was start of the SOUTH RISING AGAIN!
10 years on, mystery of recovered Confederate sub remains. Many though, suspect North Korean Torpedo.
Sorry, You're Fired!
Disgraced Hewitt Packard CEO to get only $28 million to leave.
Extreme Green -- wear shirt for seven days
Extreme Green Movement says: If you have 7 shirts and rotate them everyday you can go 7 weeks before laundry -- saving the environment and resources. Remember spaghetti stains are a badge of honor.
General Motors goes to two processors
Just like Intel's dual processor GM plans on new RV with a V8 per axle. Mileage predictions are 12 MPG per V8, but since there are two V8s the mileages is advertised as 24 MPG.
Bolt loses to Gay
Usain Bolt lost to Tyson Gay today. Pizza Hut & Heresy's large sponsors of Bolt claimed their products did not affect loss. Pizza Hut however will no longer provide Bolt w/ Pizza anytime anywhere.
Americans Asked Who They'd Like as Next American Idol Judge
A large majority overwhelmingly picked Krusty the Clown not realizing he was nothing more than a cartoon character.
2010 a Year that will live in Infamy
Congress & President Obama trash the Constitution with health care reform, $870 billion stimulus, Wall St. Reform, illegal immigration law suits, cap and tax (hope not) & other dubious federal bills!
Not Enough to Do in Congress
Congress may ban MLB players from using chewing tobacco. Not to worry most of these Democratic liberal loons will be put out to pasture in November 2010, where they can chew their cud!
More Foolishness in Congress
Congressional Democratic liberal loons will take up the thorny issue of MLB players scratching their crotches & patting each other on their butts. That is, after resolving the chewing tobacco crisis!
A Compromise on the Great Issues of 2010
A Congressman emulating Daniel Webster said "we must forge a compromise in Congress amongst those who would ban MLB players from chewing tobacco and allowing others the freedom to spit on the field!"
CDC Declares Foot-in-Mouth Disease Epidemic
First it was VP Biden, then former Governor Palin and now Senator Al Franken has contracted the dreaded Foot-in-Mouth Disease. During the summer break both chambers of Congress will be fumigated!
Laboratory Rats Saved
Pres Obama & animal rights groups agree to allow federal employees to participate in some FDA food testing. Laboratory rats are cheaper, but there are things they just won't eat that bureaucrats will!
Message to Congress about Government Handling of BP Oil Spill
Residents of the Gulf States handed out box lunches of clams, crabs, shrimp, oysters and crayfish to departing members of Congress as they left for their summer break. The boxes were labeled "EAT ME!"
How do you say Spin in Japanese
Toyota automobiles have brake and steering problems. Toyota denies having problems. Toyota advertises about really worrying about your safety! Why didn't Toyota just fix the car problems?
Call Joe the Plumber
House Speaker Pelosi was supposed to drain the swamp. The next Republican Speaker of the House has to fix the septic system and unclog the sanitary plumbing!
USA unemployment figures continue to rise. There are many American citizens thinking that if this were the year 2012, the current occupant of the White House would be unemployed!
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