Spoof news snippets from Friday 6 August 2010
Baby Tazered by Police
A baby in Bristol, UK, was tazered by police after blowing a raspberry. The police officer said he feared the baby was going to assault him.
Don't Know If Anyone Hurt
Two bus loads of carnival people collide in freak accident in Florida.
Now We Know
What happens to your Facebook Profile when you die? A little monument comes up!
Cuba Wants Off List!
Cuba demands removal from United States terror list or else!
Dinghy Hits Japanese Oil Tanker
The United Arab Emirates said Friday that a Japanese oil tanker was hit by an explosives-laden dinghy in the Persian Gulf. Most dingbats are on land.
US Joins Memorial
US joins Hiroshima A-bomb memorial for 1st time. Japanese have came to Pearl Harbor so why not?
Churchill Banned UFO Report
Churchill 'banned UFO report to avoid mass panic'. "Our country had already seen enough in the skies for a lifetime.
Republican National Committee Announces Strategy For November Mid-Term Elections Part 2.
RNC Chairman Michael Steele unveiled part two of the RNCs election strategy: Fire Nancy Pelosi, retire Harry Reid. Good Idea, but what's the plan moron? I.e. How do you get to this desired outcome?
Not Much Difference
Fires lay ghostly shroud of smoke on Moscow. Restaurants tell customers they may as well light up!
We Came From Sea Sponges? Explains Welfare!
Scientists find sea sponges share human genes. You're a distant cousin to SpongeBob SquarePants!
Obama Stumps, Falls To 41%
Obama Returns to Illinois to Stump for Democrat Amid Scandals, seldom seen in Chicago.
Bio-Bug Runs On Crap
Bio-BUG: The car that runs on 'human waste'. Should be required that all politicians should travel this way.
NFL to Require San Francisco 49ers To Change Name
Next Season, they will be the San Fagcisco 69ers.
49 Other States Insist California Change Name
From now on, it should be called "Califaggot" or "Califaggia."
Can't Please Everyone
Medical Marijuana Sold at Discount Rate to DC's Poor. Attorney sues, says it's not the prime stuff.
Spanish Police Shut Down Beach For Lady Obama
Spanish police shut down beach for first lady, daughter. Tell naked couple to take that somewhere else!
Social Security In The Red
Social Security in red for first time. Rather numbers on piece of paper are below line. All the money borrowed from there years ago.
Russia Storing Wheat
WE WILL KEEP ALL OF OUR WHEAT, SAID THE LITTLE RED PUTIN!
Kids: We Can Shit & Get It
School bus can reach 367 mph states driver with really funny hairdo!
You'll Have To Cheat, Kid
Health inspectors shut down 7-year-old's lemonade stand; Demand $120 for license. So much for teaching kids free enterprise.
Argentina Has Colder Winter Than Antarctica, Spurring Record Power Use. Exchange may be worked out between US and Argentina.
Pentagon Bars Visiting Site
Pentagon bars staff from visiting Wiki web site. "But when you do, don't get upset."
Hippocrite Out Flying
Report: Jerry Brown Uses State-Owned Plane to fly around telling people they must quit wasting government resources.
Camden Closes Libraries
Camdon, New Jersey's most impoverished city will close all three branches of its public library at year's end unless a rescue can be pulled off. New banks going up daily.
Almost 100,000 Less Jobs Than Recorded
Gov't revised payrolls for May/June show 97,000 fewer jobs than first reported. "Just an oversight. Could happen to anyone."
Might Drill Again
BP says it might drill in spill reservoir someday. "If you are still with us", say Gulf citizens.
Obama Would Just Veto It
GOP joker in congress introduces bill to change Mount St. Helens to Mount St. Monica because she may blow at any time.
Coffee Not Depressing!
Study shows that drinking morning coffee not a depressant. "It's the morning news on TV, Newspaper or on Internet that causes the depression."
Study: Lower stock market or higher stock market, most investors drink because of worry, others to celebrate!
Teens Using Rhythm Method
Report: More teenagers using Rhythm Method. "No one's gotten pregnant while 'screw-dancing' yet."
Study Is Revealing
Experts: Teachers no better at teaching when given huge raise! But 'Experts' doing study, study twice as hard!
Fish coming out of Gulf waters not blackened but chemicals they ate allows them to self-fry in the boat while you're fishing.
Also Provides Much Needed Exercise
California to issue no bags at grocery stores. You carry it individually in cart to car and car to kitchen.
Four-Day School Week?
Four day school week approved by bother teachers and students. But parents throw a fit!
Pulled A Hamstring
Policeman injures himself trying to "sign" Miranda Rights to deaf burglar.
No Water On Pluto
Water discovered on Pluto a myth! It turns out to be early last century Pluto-Water bottled from mineral springs in Indiana.
Al-Qaida #17 Faces Firing Squad
Al-Qaida # 17 accidentally rans over al-Qaida #2. "Just be glad he wasn't carrying his explosives yet", says #1.
Poland Destroys Dummy
Dummy destroyed this morning for revealing state secrets in Poland. Ventriloquist turns state evidence against him.
Menace In Venice!
Venice, Italy with famous gondolas bought by Disney, Inc. for a water park!
Michelle Reigns In Spain
Michelle's reign in Spain falls mainly on the plain (to pay for it).
One Star Baboon seems to have left his tree this morning. We shall overcome!
Some of the oil-covered water fowl on the gulf are a lot easier to clean up. You just about 25 of them through a car wash.
Congress wants to regulate chewing tobacco out of Major League Baseball.
Thank God the USA's economic, border, national security, unemployment, crime, tax and infrastructure issues are solved. Now Congress can focus on something more important like MLB players tobacco use!
Why Are The Men Wearing Red Shoes & Socks?
Women find men in red more appealing? "Don't fall for this, guys. They're laughing behind your red-clad ass!"
Ky. woman guilty of extension in coach Pitino case. Sorry, that should be "extortion".
Atlanta Says "Hello Dali"
New Dali "Melting" exhibition exclusively at Atlanta museum.
They Sure Feel Right This Week, Shake It A Bit!
FDA moves toward tighter medical device oversight, Doctors demanding weekly exams of hip implants.
Ono Against Release
Yoko Ono opposes parole for John Lennon's killer. "All that I'm saying, is give Time a chance!"
Oh, These Feel Great!
FDA moves toward tighter medical device oversight, Doctors demanding to review and feel safety of breast implants weekly.
Are Americans now more honest about their weight? No, but they sure do the neighbors.
Americans Honest About Weight?
Are Americans now more honest about their weight? No, but appearances causing them to give closer estimate, usually ten pounds.
Report: Medicare fund will last extra 12 years, social security 10 - maybe.
Cable TV Boosted
Consumer demand boosts cable, satellite TV profits. "Got to keep an eye on idiotic moves by government."
Bats, Vampires Threatened
Fast-spreading fungus threatening useful bats, harmless vampires.
Wolf Release Approved
Wildlife advocates hail Rocky Mountain wolf ruling but squirrel lobbyists say they're nuts!
Gulf Given A Sea
Scientists give Gulf of Mexico a 'Sea' before spill. I'm sorry, that should be a "C".
Unless More Leaks
AP Enterprise: Scientists think Gulf can recover. Only an amount of time, 5-50 years.
US envoy: Climate talks slipping backward. Blame oil slicks.
Sounds Like Most Politicians, Bass-Ackwards
More jobs needed to lift consumers, drive recovery. So Obama decides to tax the ones who are hiring.
More jobs needed to lift consumers, drive recovery as the government can't come up with enough jobs to bring up the stats.
Rats Leaving Ship Early?
Romer, a major key as Obama economic aide, resigning!
Kagan to celebrate with Obama, be sworn in/at this Saturday.
The Lost Summer
Children deal with Gulf oil spill stress too as many can't understand not being able to play on the beach.
Midnight In Moscow
Worst smog yet hits Moscow, planes are diverted but they can't see where.
Smog In Moscow
Worst smog yet hits Moscow, planes are diverted, people given guard dogs, white canes.
Amount Adding Up
First lady under fire for her glitzy Spanish vacation, now headed for Rome, Tokyo, Hong Kong and Hawaii.
GOP Big In Fall?
GOP cautiously confident of big gains this fall, if "everyone can keep their pants zipped."
Heresa Missesa Wiggens!
Conway talks immigration, subsidies during campaign stop in BG. Tim then introduces Carol Burnett to crowd.
That's What It Says Here
Jurors hear video confession in Kentucky trial. Also, see taped confession.
Vision For Haiti
AP Interview: Wyclef Jean's vision for Haiti: A chicken for every voodoo ceremony!
Viagra Test Comes First
Free Viagra in new health plan but you have to pass the "Sexy Nurse" exam.
Free Viagra In Health Plan?
Milwaukee teachers fight for Viagra drug coverage. So does every other group.
Milwaukee teachers fight for Viagra drug coverage. Told that is covered in Obama Health Plan.
Teachers Demand Viagra
Milwaukee teachers fight for Viagra drug coverage. "We have to deal with the little pricks everyday!"
Petraeus Tightens Rules #5
Petraeus Tightens Rules of engagement: Don't fire until you see the whites of their turbans.
Closing Tobacco Chaw Ready
Final plug nears after crews cement oil well's top. This is the big tobacco chaw collected from US baseball players.
New Al-Qaida Leader's Plans
AP Exclusive: New al-Qaida leader knows US well. To concentrate on blowing up oil wells under ocean off the coasts.
Damn! That Has Got To Be The Biggest Mother Effen Crab In The Entire World
Filming on The Discovery Channel's The Deadliest Catch is temporarily halted when an Alaskan King Crab the size of a three story building completely swallows the fishing ship The Time Bandit.
Poll: Language a barrier for Latinos in schools for those who skip English 101.
The Green Guacamole Drug Cartel Doesn't Care Squat About "Dog The Bounty Hunter"
In the season premier of Dog The Bounty Hunter, "Dog" is captured by members of Mexico's Green Guacamole Drug Cartel. He is seen crying because the mean hombres force him to eat a diet of scorpions.
Vacation To Vacation
First lady under fire for her glitzy Spanish vacation. "Must hurry back home as we have that token trip to the Gulf many call "Vacations".
One of The Stars of The Battle of The Wedding Planners Went Ballistic
The Battle of The Wedding Planners with Steve Kemble and Cheryl Dent has been cancelled because things got out of hand when Steve angrily stuck a slice of wedding cake in Cheryl's bikini burger.
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition Is Sued For $18.7 Million!
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition is sued for $18.7 million when one of the show's families becomes upset because the show put in ugly ass red drapes instead of the pretty purples ones they wanted.
First lady under fire for her glitzy Spanish vacation while most Americans are struggling to get by.
Comedian Is Disqualified On Account He Is In A Wheel Chair
Comedian Fritz "Bum Knees" McLettuce is disqualified from the reality show The Last Comic Standing because he is confined to a wheel chair.
Why Are The People of Maine Such An Unhappy Bunch of People?
Maine residents vote 9,382 to 1,348 to secede from the U.S. and become part of Canada. President Obama says "Y'all are messed up sumtin awful. Pour yourself some more molasses and settle down."
Pueblo, Colorado Shows That It Will Not Put Up With Kid's Cliches
Grade schools in Pueblo, Colorado have banned the use of the kids phrase, "For real?"
Cost Of Trip Well Over $100,000
First lady under fire for her glitzy Spanish vacation while advising growing own gardens, etc at home.
Tea & Pot Parties Clash
Demos "Pot Party" answers to "Tea Party" not going over well in South, Midwest.
"Pot Party" Not Growing
A guide to the 'shadow GOP': the groups that may define the 2010 and 2012 elections as "Tea PartY" outnumbers "Pot Party" by 100-1.
Now "Coffee Parties" Also
A guide to the 'shadow GOP': the groups that may define the 2010 and 2012 elections. Now "Coffee Parties" getting together in homes & restaurants to back "Tea Party".
Tea Party Bigger Than Thought
A guide to the 'shadow GOP': the groups that may define the 2010 and 2012 elections. Tea Party made up of thousands small Tea & Fairy Cake Get-Togethers.
Petraeus Tightens Rules #4
Petraeus Tightens Rules of engagement: Couple must have known each other for one month before soldier marries Afghan woman.
New Chinese Weapon
Chinese missile, The Viagra Dong, could shift Pacific power balance
Petraeus Tightens Rules
Afghanistan War: Petraeus Tightens Rules of Engagement: Mirandi rights must be on loud speaker before attacks.
Petraeus Tightens Rules of Engagement #3
Afghanistan War: Petraeus Tightens Rules of Engagement: No more stink bombs to flush out Taliban as they are used to smell!
Petraeus Tightens Rules #2
Petraeus Tightens Rules in Afghanistan: Grenades must be lobbed, not passed "hail Mary" type.
Petraeus Tightens Rules
Afghanistan War: Petraeus Tightens Rules of Engagement. No more loud broadcasts of Jeremiah Wright during fire fights.
Afghan War Rules
Afghanistan War: Petraeus Tightens Rules of Engagement, including no shooting above the waist.
Where is the oil now?
The oil from the the BP disaster has worked it's way into the Mexican eco-system. Obama will be sending a peacekeeping force to stabilise the Mexican government soon; this has nothing to do with oil.
Jeff Foxworthy's Big 'Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?' Surprise
Jeff Foxworthy has stated that his hit show Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader will air in Arizona, Arkansas, and Alaska as Are You Smarter Than A 1st Grader for the obvious reason
The Army Wives By Any Other Name Are Just As Sexy
The reality show Army Wives is being investigated by the CIA due to the fact that many of the scripts actually contain Air Force terminology.
The Sundance Film Festival Is As They Say In Baseball "Outta Here!"
Due to financial constraints, The Sundance Film Festival which has been held in Utah since 1978 is being outsourced to Pakistan.
The Food Network's Cooking Show "Barefoot Contessa" Was Truly Misleading Its Viewers
Barefoot Contessa with Ina Garten, has been fined by the FCC due to the fact that on two of the shows Ms. Garten was clearly shown to be wearing high heels.
The Country Formerly Known As Afghanistan
Afghanistan finally bows to world wide pressure and has agreed to change its hard to spell and hard to pronounce name to Affyland.
And So Now The Outsourced Are Having To Outsource
Pakistan has so such phone business it is outsourcing some of their overflow to Pittsburgh, Philadelphia, and Phoenix.
Delaware Says "Just Say No To NASCAR"
The state of Delaware has outlawed NASCAR racing. State officials say that they just got sick and tired of the smell of cornbread, cheap beer, grits, and Daisy Duke short shorts.
Spoof News hears that Wayne Rooney did score in S. Africa. She was 73, grey, 45Kg & has 6 grand-children.
Favre Is Schrodinger's Cat
Sports Illustrated has Brett Favre on it's cover with label "Schrodinger's Cat, Is He Or Isn't He?"
Honesty In Advertising
Beans and Frank eaters say that there is only three franks in can of beans. Want label changed to beans & Three Franks.
Missing Child Found
Missing child found with another family camping out. Refuses to allow searchers to take him home.
Russian dolls inside of doll inside of doll drives former census worker crazy, wipes out entire family.
Local poet claims he does his most romantic poetry while slopping the hogs.
Dad Overdoes Wedding Filming
Honeymoon couple's dad comes out of closet with camera, "I got it all here son, on your first night. Something for you two to remember forever."
Bees On Fly-Out
Worker bees stage fly-out, demanding a democracy within the beehive!
President has a Boo-Boo
Missouri voters tell President Obama he has made a "boo-boo" by mandating that every American must carry health insurance.
Mr. Republican Vice President
Gov Sarah Palin asks Spkr Newt Gingrich & Govs Mitt Romney, Haley Barbour & Mike Huckabee to submit their resumes, as potentially her vice presidential running mate in 2012. The silence is deafening!
Foot-in-Mouth Disease Spreading
Sarah Palin has contracted a case of Foot-in-Mouth Disease. NIH is investigating how Democratic Vice President Joe Biden and the former Republican governor of Alaska came in contact with each other!
WikiLeaks Shuts Down Operation
A lawsuit brought by WikiLeaks Plumbing and Heating Inc of Honolulu HI for name infringement has stopped the unauthorized leaks of classified information by a firm with a similar name.
Here's One for Harry
SML Reid made disparaging remarks about the 71% of Missourians who disapproved of the health care insurance mandates. USS Missouri seen off the Pacific coast, readying missile shot for Searchlight NV.
King Solomon was in the CA courtroom during the latest gay marriage ruling. He said "let's just call it a civil union with all the rights of heterosexual marriage and fix the state's budget deficit!"
Environmental Protection Arseholes
The EPA is mandating that the green Biomass Industry (wood chips etc) be subject to similar carbon emission rules as fossil fuels. Kiss this industry and more jobs good bye!
Mr. and Mrs. Schmuck of the Hamptons NY announce the engagement of their daughter Brenda to another Schmuck, who is a distant cousin living in California.
I wish I had said this
When Congress goes Republican in 2010 & the arrogant, elitist, ideological, incompetent Democratic liberal far left loons are history, the American people will once again have their voices heard!
All in the Family
A conservative family Court Judge has ruled that a couple's three foster children, two sons and a daughter, cannot be renamed Barack Obama Jones, Harry Reid Jones and Nancy Pelosi Jones.
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