Spoof news snippets from Thursday 5 August 2010
Patient Sues Hospital!
Patient wakes up during surgery to overhear, "So you're saying that if we stretched her small intestines out, it would be all the way to the end of the hall? Well, let's see!"
Leg Grows A Foot
My leg's grown a foot: The amazing story of a boy who has had his leg extended by over 12 inches apparently grows third foot.
Cameron apologises for saying Britain was 'junior partner' to U.S. in 1940 after pensioner takes him to task. U.S. didn't officially enter until after Pearl Harbor.
Why fish and chips, or the sounds of ABBA, can bring strong memories, nauceous-feeling flooding back.
14-Year-Old Accidentally Tasered.
Police officer accidentally shot schoolgirl, 14, with a Taser after missing intended target. Demands his weapon back.
Seatbelt Penalty Rough
Police smashed 'confused' OAP driver's window and dragged him out with a bloody nose after he drove off when he was stopped for not wearing a seatbelt. "Not wearing belt could have caused him injury."
Lardass Comes To The Rescue
BP successfully blocks oil leak as superhero "Lardass" lends a helping ass. "Take THAT Justice League of America!"
Report: States set easy tests for students to achieve as "able to occupy a chair without going to sleep" gets you at least a 'D'.
A Methane Powered Car Breaks down in Bristol
A car which runs on poo has broken down in Bristol on its prototype run today, after crap was found in the carburettor.
Calls It Teddy
Michelle Obama in Spain with daughter asked if the waterdog sleeps with President Obama while the family is gone, "No, he still sleeps with Nobel Peace Prize."
A migraine with aura can double stroke risk say experts. Then a stroke can increase the chance of having a stroke by 100%.
Don't Have Enough Strength To Get Up
Emergency crew called out to Mays Theatre in Livingston, Wyoming as nursing home night out winds up with ten stuck to seats with old jujubee's and chewing gum.
Uses Slow Dangling Movements
Lady in charge of nursing home entertainment has many of the patients on "Hung Poo".
Memories Of Summers Past
Unusually hot summer brings back thoughts of the Beach Boys to Boomers, singing "Wouldn't It Be Ice?"
If They're Still Alive
Former VP Dick Cheney says that he told the troops to shoot first and ask questions later.
Heat Records Fall
All-time summer heat records fall or at least, warped by lying in the sun.
B & J Having Problems
Ben And Jerry's Ice Cream having financial troubles. Could wind up with frozen Assats!
Crop Circles Not From Aliens
Crop circles now thought not to n=be the work of aliens. Aliens usually work crops from one end to the other.
Fickle Finger Of Fate
Finger of fate points the long arm of the law straight at Roy Horny.
Wives On Crack
New poll shows that the biggest number of women on Crack are wives and girlfriends of plumbers.
Books Does OK!
New book, "Men Are From Bars, Women Are From Penis" not selling as well as original.
Fat Is In The Fire
Report: The future of the United States depends upon our fat little farts for the future.
Live Long & Poster
Al Qaida number two sends good will wishes to Taliban number three.
Let Them Eat Cake
CBS: ROUNDTRIP FLIGHT WILL COST $147,563. About the same number of jobless people signing up for the first time this week.
UFO files finally released
After more than 60 years, film footage of UFOs have been released. Many were thought to be Russian jets, but many of the vapour trails were found to come from Sir Winston Churchill's lighted cigars.
Pissing In The Wind
Al Gore now saying that locating so many beer joints & bars near the ocean could cause them to rise even further.
Bernie Madoff says that since he has been in prison he can sympathize with "the little guy on the bottom".
Israel Angered By Iran
Iran Holocaust-denying website angers Israel. "He will keep on until he is the one who won't exist!"
Churchill Banned UFO Reports
Churchill 'banned UFO report to avoid mass panic', although he was beamed up twice.
Wildfire Spreading In Russia
Russia in losing battle against spreading wildfires, moving rockets. "Don't want any nuclear weapons launched prematurely but we will not allow them to go off here!"
Campbell Not Sure
Naomi Campbell tells war-crimes court: Not clear gift was diamonds. "Could have been moon rocks."
Woody A Zombie Again
Woody Harrelson to star in another Zombie movie, "I've Got Betty Davis Eyes".
The Alaskan Dogsled Team Had One Very Interesting Member
A dogsled team in Juneau, Alaska's 88th Annual Dogsled Races was disqualified when it was learned that one of the dogs was really a cat.
What The Hell Happened To Wars With Plain, Simple Names?
Remember when wars had simple names like World War I and World War II. Now we have The Iraq War - Storming The Damn Hot-As-Hell Effen Desert and The War In Detroit - Carburetors Be Damned And Shit.
Wyoming Will No Longer Tolerate The Unwarranted Wearing of Cowboy Hats
Wyoming has outlawed the practice of wearing cowboy hats unless you are actually a cowboy or a cowgirl. Violators will have their hats confiscated and donated to the San Francisco Home For Gay Pokes.
Attention Homeless People: Come On Up To Green Bay - You'll Love It - Trust Me
Green Bay, Wisconsin, has the saddest homeless people in the nation. Experts point to the freezing weather. The city has decided to remedy the problem by providing them with free prescription wine.
The Unbelievable Thing That Eating Two or More Corn on The Cobs Will Do
Food researchers say that eating two or more corn on the cobs can make you ugly. Amy Winehouse, Ann Coulter, Courtney Love, and Joan Rivers all remark, "Great, now you tell me."
Alex Rodriguez (A-Rod) Reveals An Amazing Secret About Kate Hudson
New York Yankees star Alex Rodriguez, (A-Rod) reveals that yes it's true his ex-girlfriend Kate Hudson had little, itty, bitty titties. Oh and Alex, Gabourey Sidibe kinda looks like an orca whale.
Abraham Lincoln Was One of America's Most Popular Inventors
Abraham Lincoln invented the five dollar bill and the Lincoln Logs, but he did not, in fact, invent the Lincoln Town Car, as many people wrongly believe.
Russian pianist enjoys "fiddling" with little boys also!
A Russian Classical pianist has discovered a new found love, "fiddling" with under age boys in Thailand without his violin!
Naomi's bloody diamonds
Cat walk supremo Naomi Campbell has confessed to having been given some diamonds. But who gave them to her in South Africa? 'I thought it might have been Nelson. But he fancied Lady Hamilton not me.'
Calls For Investigations
Bailed out GOVERNMENT MOTORS making political donations to Obama-backed politicians running for office?
Free Handouts (At Mission)
FOOD STAMP USE HITS RECORD! Obama delivers on promise that everyone would have free assistance and that's what we're having to do, because of no jobs.
Sorry, No Boobs!
New Dolly exhibition exclusively at Atlanta museum. I'm sorry, that should be 'Dali'.
Medical Device Oversight Tighteded
FDA moves toward tighter medical device oversight. Several back scratchers are recalled.
Americans More Honest
Are Americans now more honest about their weight? "Where are you going to hide it?" asks one fat ass.
The Big Head
Pregnant moms who overeat could make obese babies. "You'll be sorry when that big head comes through", says Doc.
We Need To Climate
UN panel: New taxes needed for a climate fund. Many people have never been atop Everest!
"So I Panicked Again!"
Looking for the oil? NOAA says it's mostly gone. Chicken Little reluctantly agrees.
And They Sat They Need Bailouts!
Mortgage rates hit low of 4.49 pct. Interest rates earned on savings drops to .0000000001 pct.
Jobs Still Unavailable
New claims for jobless benefits rise to 479,000. "Obama says one more thing about producing jobs, I've got a shoe with his name on it", sates guy in line for check.
Shoppers Numbers Still Down
Wary shoppers give retailers only modest gains. "They com in here and pinch, shape and sample before buying", states grocer.
Looking For Volunteers?
"The only quick way to save social security" is to have less people around to draw it", says Government official.
Got At Least One More Month
Trichet says economic indicators 'better than expected!' 'No depression yet!'
Obama Tour Dangerous?
Obama caps victory tour of Big Three automakers. Hit by hundreds of shoes.
Heat wave bakes 18 states from Texas to New York. "We've been taking turns hanging on hooks in the freezer", states Louisville Meat Producers.
Still A Lot Of Anger
BP to pump cement into blown-out Gulf oil well. Those losing businesses on coast may pump cement up ex CEO's ass.
New Jobless Numbers Jump!
Numbers for those filing for loss of jobs benefits goes up again. Obama: See, they're all taken care of by the government....of China. But we'll pay it back. Well, our grandchildren will.
It's True About Prisons
New prisoner at California's San Quinton State Prison says now he knows why people say "Prison Sucks".
Wouldn't Take Long
Obama caps victory tour of Big Three automakers or what's left of them.
Kentucky: We're Still Learning English
Poll: Language a barrier for Latinos. Chinese, Japanese, Arab students in schools. Teachers told to instruct in twelve languages.
More Gay Delays
Appeal of ruling could delay gay weddings in CA! Flower shops launch complaint.
Pacific Power Balance Threatened
Chinese missile could shift Pacific power balance. US threatens to place nuclear weapons on all aircraft carriers.
Giuliana's Daughter Arrested
Rudy Giuliani, former New York City mayor's daughter is caught with a bag of stolen cosmetics. Accuses Paris Hilton of dropping items in her bag.
Obama's Work Nearing Comletion With New Taxes
Jobless benefits rose last week to their highest level since April, a sign that hiring remains weak and some companies are still cutting workers."All we need is the Obama tax on small business."
Horoscopes - Libra - August
For Librarians considering travelling abroad this month, New Zealand will be your luckiest destination. Don't forgot to lock the bathroom door on the 30th. Use a wee key.
Social Security Condition "Guarded"
Prognosis guarded for Medicare and Social Security. Completely off life support since elections due in November.
Jed Clampett Advises BP
BP to pump cement into blown-out Gulf oil well. Rich Oil man Jed Clampett recommends a cement pond be placed there.
Calls For A Vote
Appeal of ruling could delay gay weddings in California. Proponents say they will appeal appeal.
Seven Testify Against Creek
Seven testify against Creek in court. Creek represented by bottle of muddy water, Attorney.
Ryan Wins Rangers Ownership
Nolan Ryan group wins auction for Rangers. Players agree to build up muscle by helping Ryan haul hay on hid farm during off season.
Native American Arrested
Native American arrested outside Atlanta Braves Stadium scalping tickets.
"We Won't Pardon You If Billy The Kid Pardoned.
NM gov meets with lawman Pat Garrett's descendants...at high noon!
Football Coaches Not Worried
Jobs bill to stop teacher layoffs nears approval. Schools state that they will have to cut pay if this happens.
Social Security Threatened
Prognosis guarded for Medicare and Social Security. "Either straighten it out or Boomers will vote everybody out of office" says AARP!
Mike Tyson Chews Off Dog's Ear, Saves It's Life
Mike Tyson chewed off his dog' ear after a coyote attacked the dog and left eat half attached. Doctors Say dog might have died from possible infection.
Dog Eats Man' Nut, Saves his life.
Dog chews off one of Tennessee man's nuts. Saves his life. "It was full of infection...hadn't worked for years...right painful that chewing, though."
Dog Chews Off Man's Ear, Saves His Life
Dog chews off Kentucky man's ear off, saves his life. "That ear was diseased and coulda have retched my brain."
Facebook Reveals Man's Second Wife
On Facebook, wife learns of husband's 2nd wedding. "I copied it and sent it to his (illegal) second wife. Expect she'll be seeing him soon."
Dog Eats Toe, First "DOG" Scan
A Michigan man credited his dog with saving his life by chewing off his diseased big toe as he lay passed out in a drunken stupor. "Had diabetes & didn't know it. Dog chewed it, medics removed it."
Harley Moving South
After 107 years in Milwaukee, Harley could leave...unless free beer offered there.
New York City - The City That Never Sleeps Sure Does Snooze A Lot
New York City has just announced that it will start closing between the hours of 3 a.m. and 5 a.m. to give the homeless panhandlers time to go out shopping for a home.
Bill Clinton - The Man Who Never Met A Woman He Did Not Want To Boink
Bill Clinton has finally admitted that he has had more sex with Hillary Clinton than with all of his countless girlfriends combined.
Round & Round We Go!
Appeal of ruling could delay gay weddings in CA, appeal to Supreme Court, vote by public on "Proposition 9".
Hurricane Katrina Was One Mean, Windy Bitch - Kinda Like Naomi Campbell
President Obama told the Senate that he wants to retire the hurricane name Katrina. One somewhat tipsy Republican senator shouted out "No sir, no one gets to retire!"
Recycling Approved By Environmentalists
BP to pump cement into blown-out Gulf oil well. CEO: We reused a lot of cement attached to skeletons.
The Brand New Showering Habits of Al Gore
Al Gore says that he is so 'gun shy' about the masseuse situation that now whenever he takes a shower, he does it with his shirt and pants on.
The Remarkable Statue of Helen Thomas
Long time White House correspondent Helen Thomas, 90, to get a statue in her honor in Dearborn, Michigan. The slouching statue will be placed in front of the police station.
You Can Now Get McNuggets At The Old Watergate Hotel
The old, infamous Watergate Hotel has been turned into a political McDonald's. Employees now ask customers, "You want clandestine fries with dat?"
Oil Leak Cemented
BP to pump cement into blown-out Gulf oil well. "If she blows now, it'll be from somewhere else down there, might cause tsunami and drown southern Florida, but we're will to take that chance: CEO.
Are The Williams Sisters, Venus and Serena Really Bro's?
Venus and Serena Williams are mad at reports saying the two are really males. Serena spit on the floor, grabbed her crotch, and said that the bulge in their tennis shorts is just kinky hair.
Only The 4th Woman
Senate decides to confirm Judge Kagan as the 4th-ever woman. Millions argue that they are women too.
Naomi Campbell's 'dirty Stones' trial
Old baboon-arse lips told the court today Mick and Keith 'hadn't bathed for weeks' when they were handed to her on a platter by President Taylor!
Republican National Committee Announces Strategy For November Mid-Term Elections
The RNC will impliment the same strategy that failed them time and again during elections: Presenting themselves as "Democrat Lite", ignoring the base and adding mocking the tea parties. Idiots!
The Farts Cut....Arts Cut
British gov't moves to dramatically cut public funding for arts. For instance: Leggo Castle built to original size.
But My Ears Are Below My Mouth!
Pelosi calling House back into session to vote on her next face lift. Not even Demos speaking to her.
Flush Tax Increase
Maryland's Republican environmentalists want to use the proposed "flush tax" funding increase to clean the State House in Annapolis of all incumbent Democrats, prior to Chesapeake Bay cleanup.
None of the Above
Know nothing former Governor Palin endorses a right wing Republican candidate for Maryland governor. Know nothing President Obama endorses the sitting tax & spend governor. What's a sane person to do?
Big Brother is Watching
HHS has announced that the current solar storms generate beneficial rays that increase the size of women's breasts. HHS advises all women to go topless for the next two weeks.
The New Nanny State
Dingbat supermodel wants a law to force women to breast feed their kids. Obama says "it's ConsTiTutional!" He plans to hire 150,000 boob inspectors & get Congress to squeeze taxpayers for the money!
An attack on Iranian President Ahmadinejad's motorcade, attempting to place a hand grenade in his shorts, has failed! He is still a little prick, anyway!
Mars Rover Back On
Houston Space Center jubilant as Mars Rover suddenly comes back on "Yureeka! I've Discovered Gold!"
Heard It Before
Doctors agree that first time patients request Viagra it's usually followed by, "You know, as back up in that one chance out of ten that I might be a little tired."
The Al Gore Foundation
The world's greatest alarmists all excited about Solar Flares and 2012.
Next Generation Named
Latest generation of young people who eat mostly garbage nicknamed the "Fly Generation".
Hubble Telescope spots message on Mars "Titans Are Moon Heads!". Scientists say there might be life on there after all.
Get Spoof News in your email inbox!