Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 4 August 2010
No Corn Hole!
Golf, rugby accepted as Olympic sports. Dwarf bowling still being considered! But corn hole declared illegal.
Police scheme to put bright yellow labels and small flashing red light on valuables left in cars is branded an 'advert to thieves'. "But we hide in the trunk."
Amy Winehouse says that she has completed her living will adn now, unless she wills it, she can't die.
Experts Advise Getting It Off Chest Important
The National Health Service says that if you don't get any sleep at night, that it is good for you to tell every single person you meet all about it.
Census Bureau reveals that there are exactly 9,942 people still working on the 2010 census.
Rep. Anthony Weiner petitions to change name....
...but "Johnson" isn't expected to be much better.
A Bad Experience
Lindsay Lohan tells reporters that she hopes to drink enough to get that jail thing out of her mind for good.
Now Fighting Over Tree
Flare-up over tree accents Israel-Lebanon tension. "That was our tree/That was our tree!"
Legal Marijuana Tax
San Jose becomes latest California city to vote on marijuana tax. Mayors of other US cities: Why didn't you tell us we could tax the stuff?
Prop 8 Struck Down
SOURCE: JUDGE KNOCKS DOWN GAY MARRIAGE PROP IN CA! So what was all the voting about?
Michelle's Eating Habits
Michelle Obama's eating habits: No to beets, yes to cleanses. Since reading about cleanses, I thought I would share.
Ground Zero Mosque
Conservative group sues to stop mosque near ground zero. "The Ground Zero Mosque doesn't sound very safe anyway."
BP Leak Plugged
Much work remains even with BP leak plugged. "I was afraid they were about to plug us", says new CEO.
Horny Roo hunts Aussie women "Down Under"?
An oversize very horny grey Roo (nicknamed Wayne) has been bouncing after women "Down Under". His "piece" is rather large and the women, although curious, would prefer it be a "black one"!
East European/Asian Demography Demand!
Population shifts and natural disasters in under populated countries have lead to an SOS for "people". Relocation incentives include free healthcare, UK type "social" benefits and legalised brothels.
Should Have RefusedThird Helping
Aretha Cracks Ribs, Will Miss Brooklyn Debut as piece of BBQ hits her in the eye.
Let's Drill Again!
The Obama Administration is tinkering with pulling the plug on its temporarily moratorium on deepwater drilling in light of the BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico & upcoming elections.
The shortage of housing could be ended through plans to move old people from their Council Houses to Sheltered Housing. However the move from Sheltered Housing to the next stage could be a problem.
Afghan Training Hits Stumbling Blocks
UN encounters stumbling blocks in training Afghans. "Some of those blocks are rigged to explode but they'll fall over one every time.
Another Treasure Story
English treasure hunter hasn't found a fortune in Roman coins but did find that lost sock stuck inside his underwear.
Iran says explosion near president just fireworks. Someone gave guy a hotfoot just as he threw his shoe.
Look-Alike A Great Man, Says Saddam
Departing US troops pack millions of items in Iraq. The real Saddam comes out of hiding place.
Troops Leaving Iraq
Departing US troops pack millions of items in Iraq, a few earning the nickname "Gold Bricks".
The Very First Political Lie Was Sure A Doozy
Historians say that the very first political lie was "Ah no, Tyrone, we don't call it The White House because only White people are allowed inside."
The Amazingly, Amazing, Talking Japanese Female Dolls Are So Gosh Darn Life-Like!
A scientist in Japan has developed the most life-like female doll yet. It walks up to you and says, "Ah most kind sir, so sorry to say you reave toiret seat up. Prease go put down now."
Where Oh Where Is The Wisconsin Tundra Going?
The state of Wisconsin says that due to its horrible financial state it will be selling off 2 by 2 inch commemorative pieces of its infamous tundra for $97.98 plus tax.
The End of The Russian Spies For American Spies Trading Business
Russia says they don't have any more American spies to trade for Russian spies. They ask President Obama if he will accept Vodka instead, "Why hell yeah, ship dat shit on over here ya hear?"
The Los Angeles School District Knows What It Wants
The Los Angeles School District has voted that the word Hmmmm is not really a word and will not be used in the classroom or the playground.
Lady Gaga Screams Out About The Bulge In Her Crotch
Lady Gaga says she's sick and tired of being asked about the noticeable bulge in her crotch. She screamed out at a female reporter for Fox, "Yes, bitch, it's a pee pee! it's a pee pee! it's a pee pee!
The Louisiana Souvenir Tar Balls Are Here!
The story that vending machines in Louisiana are dispensing Tar Ball Souvenirs has proven to be false. The Souvenir Tar Balls can actually be purchased over-the-counter at most drug stores.
Kellpost Cereal Company say that pressure has been brought upon them so much that they are dropping their latest cereal, "Turnin' Twix"!
Hospital patient in Nashville claims he woke up during surgery and overheard, "Hey look! You touch this little part of the brain and he gets an instant erection. I think we may become rich!"
Bank Robbers Get Away Easily
Bank robbers use big artificial dongs hanging out pants after seeing all lady tellers. "Describe them Mam?" "Well they had huge dongs. Also, their dongs musta been 15 inches. Did I mention the dongs?"
Hide Escape Vehicle In 1,000 Others
Bank robbers in England escape in a souped-up wheelie bin!
Winning Over Women Voters
Former Alaskan governor Sarah Palin says that she has not decided if she will throw her vibrator into the ring for the 1012 presidential race.
Will Pick It Back Up When Released
At last! Burglar who broke into almost 700 homes is FINALLY locked up after judge's patience runs out. Apparently he was going for a new world record.
Woman Cleared Of Assault Charges
Woman who rammed stiletto through boyfriend's eye and into his brain cleared of all charges, although many think this was a step in the wrong direction.
House Prices Rise
Prices on houses for sale have risen a bit. Though few are ever sold.
Check This Hangnail!
The 100,000 under-24s living on state benefits because they claim they're too ill to work, may have to work anyway.
Ahmadinejad Nearly Killed By "Fireworks"
Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad survives grenade attack on his convoy that he says were only fireworks.
Michelle Obama, "The First Mama," Talks About Her Presidential Tramp Stamp Tattoo Rumors
Michelle Obama has denied reports that she has a tramp stamp that reads, "My Barry He Be Da Man Uh Huh!"
Louisiana No Longer Has Any Off-Shore Buoys
The state of Louisiana has voted to change the names of buoys to floaties in the interest of making it so much easier to pronounce.
Yes, Monica Lewinsky Did In Fact Attend Chelsea Clinton's Wedding
Reports are that Monica Lewinsky attended Chelsea Clinton's wedding. Monica was apparently disguised as a black usherette. No one recognized her because she was not wearing a blue dress.
Couric Wonders Why No One Watches Her News
SATELLITE SIN: COURIC CAUGHT MOCKING PALIN IN RAW FOOTAGE. Palin fires 'both barrels' in return.
The Cows Formerly Known As Sacred Cows
India declares that cows are no longer sacred and can now be eaten. Millions of Indian cows seen stampeding towards the Pakistani border.
The Man Who Invented The Sports Phrase USA! USA! USA! Has Been Arrested
Charlie Crackdiddy, who is credited with inventing the sports phrase, USA! USA! USA! has been arrested in South Carolina, for yelling out at Senator John Edwards, SOB! SOB! SOB!
States Over-ruling Washington
Taxpayers shell out $700,000 for Obama's ad campaign to improve opinion of healthcare plan, that has state opponents lined up over lawsuits against the plan.
The Stalking Capital of America Is Giving Up That Title
California is the nation's first state to outlaw the practice of binge stalking.
The Geographically Challenged Sarah Palin Refuses To Answer Geographic Questions
Former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin was asked by a reporter for National Geographic if Alaska is a state. The puzzled Palin stated that she will no longer answer any trick questions.
Mo Says No!
Missouri voters on Tuesday overwhelmingly rejected a federal mandate to purchase health insurance, rebuking President Barack Obama's administration. "He Hasn't shown us anything", says Show-Me state.
Most Oil Gone
Mud plugs well; feds say much of Gulf oil is gone after David Copperfield visit.
Little Rock, Arkansas man arrested for writing in the word "Bogus" on all the bills he spent.
Tokyo Loses Track
Mystery as Tokyo loses track of its centenarians. May subject people's claims by asking what happened in 1905-1020.
Rural Areas Down!
Big churches in major cities showing a major prophet!
Need Two Chairs At Restaurants.
Are Americans now more honest about their weight? "They have to be", states report. "Even with the trick mirrors."
Sun Storms Underway
Sun storms may bring northern lights farther south, mix up GPS systems. Be sure to check if that next turn isn't into the ocean!
Locked In There Must Be Rough
United States says it's committed to cutting big house gases!
Smoker's Brains Can Stop Habit
Doctors say that Smoker's Brains can control smoking. But most didn't have enough since to start smoking, they admit.
Christmas In July Failed
Retail Data: Americans remain cautious in Christmas In July Sales! "Over 100 degree heat doesn't help the mood", says one shopper.
Leak Leaing To Bailouts
For Gulf businesses, fading summer is a lost cause. Boating industry expecting bailouts.
Alaskan Fishing Thrives
Alaska fishing tradition thrives: dipnetting easy as fish thankful they're not in the Gulf area.
Ground Zero Mosque
Feisal Abdul Rauf, the Imam Behind the 'Ground Zero Mosque' takes out huge insurance policy.
Winner Take All
The US Economy Slows, Illegals Everywhere, Jobs Scarce, Consumers Pessimistic, Weather Stinks, Country Totally In Debt. New War In Pakistan, Everyone Has Nukes. Vegas Taking Bids On Which Will Get US.
Mud Plugs Well
Mud plugs well; feds say much of Gulf oil is gone. Politicians concerned that there won't be enough mud left over for fall elections.
Some Kind Of Action Recommended
State recommending action. "All we could come up with after three days of partying", states guy with cold cloth on his head, bucket at his feet.
Drug Boss Thought Rangers Were Police
Ryan, Cuban, head of Mexican Drug Cartel Boss face bidding war for Texas Rangers.
Judge Ready To Rule
Judge's ruling ready in Calif. gay marriage case. Admits that he loves the build-up and the limelight.
Voters Very Upset!
Another incumbent down as Michigan Rep. loses as voters want whole new government, White House moved to Tuscon!
GOP Point Out Tax Increases
Democrats seek GOP help for creating their 50th last-ditch jobs bill.
Lick Before They Remember
Veterinarians say that pets sometimes suffer from "Phantom Balls" Syndrome.
The Dogs Of War
K-9 PTSD? Some vets say dogs stressed by war, too. 'Brono has shell shock, see he shakes when I go "BOOM!", says trainer. "Bit my leg!"
Not The Best
Those who think that "the best part of waking up is Folgers in their cup" have never spilled hot Folgers into their lap!
Just Like Old Commercials
Spectacular Northern Lights Show Signals Sun Is Waking Up, Ready For It's Raisin Bran! ("That's me!")
Indy Does It Again
Indiana Jones says he has discovered the original Obama Kenyan birth certificate.
Spectacular Northern Lights
Spectacular Northern Lights Show Signals Sun Is Waking Up. So does 110 degree temperatures.
It Won't Be Pleasant Here
Feisal Abdul Rauf, the Imam Behind the 'Ground Zero Mosque' admits they are seeing ghosts.
Cough It Up!
Republicans want review of birthright citizenship, especially that of Obama.
Toyota Posts Earnings
Toyota posts $2.2 billion profit as car sales recover Will use income to recall more models.
Oil Leak Sealed
Mud plugs well; feds say much of Gulf oil is gone, but so are the tourists. Asks BP for total missed revenue.
Iran's Ahmadinejad survives blast near motorcade. Blames Israel, which doesn't exist.
Ahmadinejad Survives Blast
Iran's Ahmadinejad survives blast near motorcade. Except for a bowel clean-up, officials say he's fine.
Most Oil Disappeared
White House: 75 percent of spilled Gulf oil gone. Other 25% holed up near a barrier reef and threatening to take it with it, if attacked.
Cure Worse Than The Disease
White House: 75 percent of spilled Gulf oil gone. 100% of oil cleanup detergent still out there.
Iran's Ahmadinejad survives blast near motorcade that laid both his ears back against his head.
How life started
Scientists have just discoverd how life began on earth. A form of bacteria appeared in volcanoes in the deepest oceans at phenomenal heat. They have kept us scratching our head ever since.
It's not global warming or climate change which should worry us, but global change. We are not ready for a swap with Mars. I want to keep my Kit Kat.
Dumb Pseudo-Scientist Expelled
San Francisco CA school teacher lost his job by misleading physics students. The teacher said Einstein's theory of general relativity only applied to putting cream cheese on an "everything bagel!"
Pelosi Loses Face
House Speaker Pelosi predicts Democrats will retain control of the US House. A constituent then hits her in the face with a Boston cream pie containing anti-Botox compounds in the whipped cream!
TV Cameras Coming to the Supreme Court?
Six male judges & three female judges are sitting on the Supreme Court. King Obama I promised to name six female judge replacements to the court, which will then be called "The Washington DC View!"
It's Called Economic Insanity
President Obama taxes health care for small business, wants to add new energy taxes and let the Bush tax cuts expire. Then the president promises tax credits for small business to hire more employees!
EPA Tackles Body Odor
EPA says that American citizens smell bad & is issuing a new regulation that underwear must be changed once per day. An exception is environmentalists, where a change three times per day is required!
EPA Hiring Underwear Sniffers
As part of the Obama jobs program the EPA plans to hire 15,000 underwear sniffers until body odor sniffing machines, like the TSA uses at airports for security checks, can be developed.
Liberal Representative Ed Markey (D) MA & Mel Gibson suffer from the same malady. Both actors "put their mouths in motion before their brains are engaged & have no clue what they're talking about!"
President Obama's Birthday Party
Michelle Obama invited me to President Obama's 49th birthday party at the White House. However, I would have had to sign an agreement to work in Michelle's vegetable garden until January 20, 2013!
Negotiating School Opens in Washington DC
A political negotiating school is to employ former Obama administration Democratic far left liberal ideological snobs to teach hand to hand combat to the new Republican members of the 2011 Congress.
Mugging San Francisco CA Style
Man found in parking garage with a banana stuck up his ass. Police indicate it was self-inflicted as perpetrator/victim was not capable of playing with a full dick!
Virgina Backs Arizona
Virginia Attorney General Rules Police Can Check Immigration Status! Calls Washington Ball-Less!
French Being French
French immigrant raid provokes protest. French failing to make other immigrant raid brings protest!
Maybe By 2050
Federal Judge To Rule On Whether Gays, Lesbians Have Constitutional Right To Marry. This will be the 100th attempt to do and redo rulings.
Woman Sprayed With Human Semen at Grocery Store! Man apologizes. "It was those shorts you're wearing!"
July was Las Vegas' HOTTEST month EVER! "These girls put the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders to shame!", says Casino owner.
Canadian Outdoor Writer Mounts Record Walleye!
The former highly respected writer lost both his job and his wife after pictures were posted on Utube of a wild weekend in Newfoundland with a pair
of cross eyed strippers from St. Johns.
Barney Frank goes Wild After being Refused $1 Senior Discount!
Small Business Owner of Fire Island Glory Hole says, " I don't care who he says he is, or how old he is, he pays the same as the rest of the C*****S*******kers!
Read my lips...Pay- Go or No Dick!
Image of TheSpoof Writer Cal-el's face Seen in Slick
Image of TheSpoof.com writer Cal-el's face was seen in the BP oil slick, verifying that TheSpoof.com is still the only comedy and satire publication with a true son of God on its staff.
Mexican Cartels Come Out with New Action Toy!
Bobble Head Dolls with No Heads now latest rage in Mexican Low Riders and gaining popularity in Los Angeles with MS 13 gang members deciding to use real people for display in clubhouse windows.
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