Spoof news snippets from Monday 30 August 2010
Scientists say that yoga could ward off diseases, just like wine. So those winos sleeping with heels in the air over a bench they fell off, may be there forever.
Hitler Had Jewish Ancestry
DNA tests reveal Hitler had Jewish ancestry! Explains his resemblance to Moe Howard.
They Have A Point There
Native Americans demand right to build huge casino right beside mosque. "Get some of our money back for Manhattan!"
Beck Has Dream Also!
Glenn Beck: I had this dream the other night about speaking before a huge audience of millions, and they were all illegal aliens!
Extreme Makeover, Oval Office Edition
On President Obama's first day back in the office from his tenth vacation in three months, he has returned to a freshly redecorated Oval Office with a jungle-theme to make the President feel at home.
The Utah Mormons Have Made The Network Change The Title of The Cooking Reality Show - Hell's Kitchen
Due to the Mormon influence in Utah. The reality cooking show Hell's Kitchen in Utah will be known as Heck's Kitchen.
The Kardashian Sisters May Lose Their Reality TV Show Unless They...
The Kardashian sisters, who star in Growing Up Kardashian, have been told by the producer to please lose a lot of weight in their butts because their butts are taking up the whole TV viewing screen.
The Emmy Winning Sit-Com Modern Family Has Two Imitators
The Emmy for Best Comedy went to ABC's Modern Family which shows there's a market for straight actors to play gay actors. NBC begins filming The Gay Family and CBS begins filming The Real Gay Family
Lindsay "LiLo" Lohan Will Quickly Have Her Own Reality Show
Lindsay Lohan will be starring in a new reality show titled, Count My Freckles Quick Before I Go Back To Prison.
The "Rehab" Reality Series Is Really, Really Getting A Bit Out of Hand
Coming this fall the 'Rehab' reality show series will introduce yet another new 'Rehab' show. This one is entitled, Homeless Person Rehab.
That Time Already?
BP Oil Well Cap Removal Delayed by High Teas...Seas!
Rodents, Maggots, Suffer Also!
Rodents, Maggots Found at 2 Iowa Egg Farms. FDA workers say they think they died from salmonella Poisoning.
Glenn Beck Rally Numbers
CNN: Glenn Beck Rally Attracts Estimated 87,000! FOX: Glenn Beck Rally Attracts Estimated 870,000! NBC: Glenn Beck Rally Attracts Estimated 8700!
A Knuckle Biter!
Everyone excited as the Charles Manson's annual hearing is due soon and we can see if he can get that head all the way around!
Osama Bin Poe!
For some unknown reason New Yorkers are confusing The Mosque At Ground Zero with The Mask Of The Red Death.
In Case You Didn't Know
WikiLeaked documents said to reveal that the Pittsburgh Pirates are a piece of crap!
Ecstasy User Signs on for Jerry Lewis Telethon
Jim Farner signed on to work for Jerry Lewis's telethon this Labor Day after mistaking the Muscular Dystrophy Association (MDA) event for a holiday weekend rave fueled by ecstasy, also known as MDMA.
Fergie's knickers were found stuffed inside dead spook's mouth
No clues yet if that's the Duchess of York or Man U boss Sir Alex Ferguson...
Obama: Economy Still Struggling!
Obama acknowledges economy still struggling...but should die soon!
Castro At Death's Door
Castro Says He Was at 'Death's Door' and the Grim Reaper was looking better than me, so he let me go.
The UN panel on climate change warning that Himalayan glaciers could melt to a fifth of current levels by 2035 is wildly inaccurate, an academic says. They'll be gone by next summer."
Interfaith Center At Ground Zero
NYC community board head wants interfaith center. You mean somebody is finally making sense?
Biden Bids Goodbye
Biden visits Iraq to mark formal end to US combat. "We came, we saw, we left it all!"
Toilet Sells For $14, 740
John Lennon's toilet sells for $14,740 at auction! 'Imagine' what Elvis or Lenny Bruce toilets would bring.
Late Payments Down
Late payments on auto loans fall in 2nd quarter..as most have been hauled away from owners.
The Lone Deranger!
The shadowy man behind the mosque? Who is this mosque man?
Wasted Millions, Still Doing It!
AP Impact: U.S. wasted billions in rebuilding Iraq instead of the US Gulf!
Sad Day For Baseball
Clemens arrives at federal court for arraignment. Several other players shaking in their shoes.
Hurricane Earl Different
Hurricane Earl is the first Hurricane to have a bloodshot eye, says weathermen.
US, Except For 49,000 Troops,All Out Of Iraq!
Biden visits Iraq to mark formal end to US combat by talking to 49,000 non-combat troops, apparently.
Putin Waxes Nostalgic!
Putin Belittles Russia's Opposition, Says Police Will Still Break Up Unauthorized Rallies, Beat With Them Truncheons!
21,000 people evacuated as Indonesian volcano continues to spew ash for miles around. Airlines grounded.
Change Men's To 'A-Hole'
Love, the pet name that British women hate, especially in the workplace. Many men are switching to 'Pet'.
Legendary Gurkha regiment under threat as MoD spending cuts dig deep. Several nations interested.
Ruins Ending Of Play (Book)
An entry most foul: Wikipedia puts an end to the secret of Agatha Christie's The Mousetrap. Next: "The Case of the Missing Wikipedia People".
Intensive Care Brawl
Mother and baby in intensive care after doctors' violent brawl in delivery room delays birth. "They were calling each other 'quacks'"
Schoolgirl Kicked Off Plane
Schoolgirl kicked off Ryanair plane after crew force family to buy extra seat for violin. "We try to keep violins off our planes."
Iran Into Name-Calling!
Iran media call French first lady 'prostitute'. "We don't have any of them in Iran!"
Glenn Beck Bringing Hate Back
Glenn Beck is glad to bring back hate in American culture. He gloated about it on Saturday as a statue of Abraham Lincoln looked down at Beck. One viewer claimed that the statue of Lincoln was crying.
'Modern Family' scores upset in best gay comedy Emmy win
LOS ANGELES, CA - It was the "Glee" gay misfits versus the "Modern Family" gay brood at the Primetime Gay Emmys here on Sunday night, and the family took the top gay prize.
Prince Charles Weird
'Prince Charles shouldn't be our king - he's just strange' says New Zealand politician. And we all know how normal politicians are.
Manny Changes Sox
White Sox land Manny Ramirez for stretch run..or in the case of Manny, stretch walk!
Government Jobs Growing
Economists agree: Stimulus created nearly 3 million jobs, 2.8 in the government.
Our Turn Next!
Small businesses stall on jobs, wait for aid. "No use hiring until we see what happens."
Tired Of Inside The Party Bickering?
If President Obama has a big economic initiative up his sleeve, as he hinted recently, now would be a good time to let the rest of us in on it. Does he want some Dems removed in November elections?
German banker sparks outrage: 'All Jews share a certain gene'. Just in time for peace talks.
Congresswoman Violated Rules
Dem Congresswoman violated rules, steered scholarships to relatives. nobody does that and gets away with it in Washington!
New Hawaii Five-O!
CBS HAS HIGH HOPES FOR 'HAWAII FIVE-0' REMAKE. Plan 100% more bikinis!
Pope Signs To Be Placed On Buses!
"Ordain women," "Stay off the kids" London bus ads will urge Pope.
Wie, Wie All The Way Home!
Wie wins CN Canadian Open for second LPGA victory. Beginning to live up to potential.
Omega-3 Doesn't Help!
Study: More omega-3 fats didn't aid heart patients. Should switch to heavy drinking. (See other snippet)
Test Comes First
Mongolian Cabinet holds meeting in Gobi desert. Actually they were taken there and left to find the way out.
Indian Officials Meet
Indian officials to meet to decide BlackBerry ban, what exactly happened to the Anasazi!
Genzyme rejects Sanofi-Aventis Offer?
Genzyme rejects Sanofi-Aventis offer, turns down dowanger and Crigagoatnog! Got that?
Obama Commits Revival Of Gulf
Obama commits to revival of Gulf Coast! Plans an old time tent meeting!
A report says that Americans are surprised to learn that chillies are mined...
...they thought they grew on shrubs or something.
Smith Case Won't Go Away
Nannies could testify in Anna Nicole Smith case, butt not Billies.
NYC Mosque Debate
NYC mosque debate will shape American Islam, landscape!
Putin Belittles Political Opponents
Putin belittles Russia's political opposition. "Not worth the poison!"
Indonesian volcano erupts again, spewing hot ash! Apparently it spewed cold ash the time before?
Kim Really Is In China
Chinese state TV confirms visit by NKorea's Kim, although you still can't see his head when he turns sideways.
Titian masterpiece suffers water damage after fire. Probably had fire damage DURING the fire!
Looking Forward To Winter?
Farmers' Almanac: Kinder, gentler winter, lots of great beer on tap.
Let's All Celebrate
Heavy drinkers outlive nondrinkers, study finds. "I'll be right back after going outside and firing bullets into the air!"
Heavy Drinkers Are Longer Livers!
Heavy drinkers outlive nondrinkers, study finds. Skinny drinkers ask for more facts.
Heavy Drinkers Win?
Heavy drinkers outlive nondrinkers, study finds. However, those on study came out crawling.
How About Those On The Road Near Pubs, Clubs?
Heavy drinkers outlive nondrinkers, study finds. Study condemned by MADD.
Best News In Years
Heavy drinkers outlive nondrinkers, study finds. Loud cheers from TheSpoof writers!
Hurricane Earl Approaching The South (Naturally)
Growing Hurricane Earl threatens north Caribbean. Could go up east coast. Those in the Gulf holding their breath!
Half Of Police Force Wiped Out!
2 of Alaska village's 4 officers fatally shot. The Old West still lives in Alaska!
Fire At Mosque Site
Fire at proposed Tenn. mosque site probed by feds. Similar to church burnings a few years ago.
Spending Spree Over?
AP IMPACT: US wasted billions in rebuilding Iraq. Trillions in bank bailouts, etc.
Glenn Beck regrets calling Obama a 'racist'
"Mr. Obama already knows what he is. I'm not his judge!"
Beck Regrets Accusations
Glenn Beck regrets calling Obama a 'racist', dumbass, the devil himself'.
Get Out The Tire Chains
Farmers' Almanac: Kinder, gentler winter on tap. Corn silk disputes it.
Farmer's Almanac Wins Nobel!
Farmers' Almanac: Kinder, gentler winter on tap. Prediction wins Nobel Peace Prize for winter.
Kinder, Gentler Winter?
Farmers' Almanac: Kinder, gentler winter on tap. Woolly worms blond and acting that way as million stop to look at approaching traffic.
Still Having Nightmares
Questions loom over drug given to sleepless vets. "Not only do I have nightmares, now I'm addicted to the drug."
A Vet Pays For Your Protection
Questions loom over drug given to sleepless vets. Is it worse than the nightmares?
Obama: We're Behind You Like In Iraq!
War and peace: Obama nears pivotal Mideast moment as a US President has over 250 times before.
Animal smuggler takes polygraph
and all other exotic bird data from smuggling spreadsheet
Sarah Palin bemoans G.D.P...
...assumed it meant fat people.
Federal Estate Tax Counseling
There is no federal estate tax in 2010, but it will be reinstated in 2011. Financial advisors are telling their clients to go this year, if they are multimillionaires without any tax shelters!
No Federal Estate Tax
A video tape was played at the reading of a will. The deceased said "you will have no federal estate tax, not because of the 2010 waver, because I mortgaged everything and spent all the money!"
Where are the TV Cameras?
Due to the poor rally turnout, Al Sharpton's financial people are telling him to get a new cause to solicit money for. They suggested the reverend tackle the problem of antisymmetric relations!
Change for a Three Dollar Bill
Democratic liberal far left House Speaker Pelosi has proposed legislation to place President Obama's picture on all existing three dollar bills!
Midterm Elections, What Midterm Elections?
OBAMA: "I'm making decisions that are not necessarily good for the nightly news & not good for the next election, but for the next generations."GEORGE ORWELL: An example of Big Brother using Newspeak!
Why Americans Distrust Our Current Political Leadership
President Obama says he ignored the Glenn Beck rally. White House staffers at this rally on the National Mall are busily generating memos. Expect to see these memos on the Wikileaks website shortly!
Victim Urged To Stay Quite
Belgian Church Leader Urged Abuse Victim to Keep Silent! "You wouldn't want to give Brother Balls a bad name."
Center Of The World?
Tensions in Israel Ahead of Talks. Also in Palestine, Iran, Syria, Lebanon, US, Russia, China, Japan...
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