Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 3 August 2010
Cameron Declares his Love for Turkey Club Sandwiches!
Tells Waitress, "hold the bread, mayo, bacon, tomato & lettuce...I really need to study anything I'm getting ready to swallow whole."
Sarah Palin Invites Skoob to a 'beer summit' in Anchorage!
Saying she wants to' mend fences' after Skoob slams her on Forum, promises to invite a few Eskimos over for a 'pint' and an opportunity to 'chew the fat."
Appearing before Joint house of Congress, Cisco Kid Vows to Take Down Sheriff Joe!
Democrats all stand and cheer for 20 minutes. Then adjourn for re election fund raisers for Charlie Wrangel (sic) & Maxine Waters.
Obama Launches New GM Volt as Part of Michelle's Obesity Plan for US!
Removable floor boards so driver can put his feet on pavement and pedal
his ass off after juice runs out in only 40 miles! $41k also guaranteed to lighten your wallet!
Chelsea Clinton's New Hubby Checks into Hospital after Wedding Night!
Brought down with rare form of swine flu and hoof and mouth disease, condition listed as 'unstable' with patient having 'no will to live!"
Mexican Cartel Places $2M Bounty on Arizona Sheriff Joe!
Obama saw that, and raised it $2M!
Mr. Music Gone!
Mitch Miller, dead at 99, is following the little bouncing cloud singing all the way out of here. (Editor's note: You have to be 60 years old to get this one.)
"Happy Birthday Mr. President"#2?
HOME ALONE: Obama to spend birthday in Chicago house, without family. Uhoh, this doesn't sound good.
Northern Lights Coming
Northern lights caused by sun flares may reach as far south as Anchorage tonight.
Goodwill Gesture Made
Laura Bush, in a goodwill gesture, bakes a double-sized shoe fly pie for Iraqi man who threw footwear at her husband.
Shoes Flying Again
Israeli troops and Lebanese exchange gunfire, flying shoes on their border today.
Amish Going Uptown!
According to "Amish Buggy & Driver Magazine", the leader of a national Amish/Mennonite Group have approved hanging one of those little pine tree deodorizers on horse's ass pulling buggy.
John McCain Still Not Right
John McCain may be having problems. He went to the Gulf Shore cleanup as congress broke for summer vacation, shaking hands with cleaned up turtles. "We'll need the turtle vote this November!"
McCain Still Surprising Many
Senator John McCain still full of surprises as he was when he named Sarah Palin VP candidate. Today he did a stripper's act and kissed Barney Frank full on the mouth!
Even after twenty years research scientist says he still gets a kick out of watching how much a white lab rate can eat after smoking a joint.
Big Mess in New Jersey today as a port-o-potty truck picks up think tank by mistake.
It Was Rough Going
Mount Everest conquered by the first man on his horse, Snowboy!
We Can't Afford To Lose Thinkers
Think Tank that sank with the 4-inches of rain the night before has roto rooters trying to drill air hole for those caught inside.
The Next Thing
New urine tests at airports will reveal if the passenger is a terrorist.
New PPG Ratings
Film industry approves PPG rating system for films that contain animals having sex.
New Disease reported
Doctor say that new East Nile Virus even worse than West Nile Virus.
For getting cheating husbands out of the house, Elin Nordegren recommends the Big Bertha Sweet Spot!
He Got a Freebe
Naked Man Beaten Outside Local Bar by Prostitute; No Charges.
Better, Less Expensive Than Tranquilizers
Left-Right Coalition Launches National Campaign To End Marijuana Prohibition! "Just Say Mellow!"
Recommends Closing Spoof Sites!
Obama Swipes at Media, Says 'Information' onslaught, especially from TheSpoof, Pressuring 'Democracy', besides, they ruin my image!
In Metal Boxes
Kids playing near area old animal hospital used to occupy dig up remains of hundreds of dog & cat balls.
United States Secretary of Health Kathleen Sebelius forces makers of Levitra to put warning on label with side effects, that men up over four hours get a pic of naked Kirstie Alley.
Politicians and Hollywood heavyweights have rallied behind director Roman Polanski to be able to come back to visit the US. "For pete's sake, all he did was rape a 13-year-old! What is she now, 40?"
Mars Rover On For A Few Seconds
NASA Headquarters at Houston reported this morning that the Mars Rover came back on suddenly, stated "We are Borg" and went back off.
Actress Goes Busted
Source: Actress Snooki from Jersey Shores goes busted.
No Oil On The Beach
Gulf hotels and restaurants say there is no oil on the beach. Also, thanks to the TV networks, no tourists!
Hit Shark In The Balls
Authorities: If a shark tries to bite you, hit it in the balls! That is, Eye Balls!
Cloris Leachman Upset
Cloris Leachman 'so sick of Betty White' "Why can't she decently die like those others?"
BrownPeace Holds Rally
Will they or won't they kill the well? BrownPeace objects to senseless slaughter.
Docs hunt cause of food allergy rise. Thinks it could be from our eating everything in sight.
Bring On The Scrutiny!
Scientists reveal why it is impossible to get that perfect all-over tan after three years of scrutiny.
Thieves Steal Petro
Thieves steal petrol worth £45,000 at filling station - and NO ONE notices. "Thought it were an shit tank", says old timer.
New Book By Castro
Fidel Castro leads ceremony unveiling his new book. "The Cat In The Beard".
Newspaper Office Firebombed
A Venezuelan newspaper that takes a critical line against President Chavez's government says its office has been attacked with firebombs. Chavez says they firebombed themselves for public sympathy.
Iraq Ousts Russia, U.S.
With US now leaving Iraq, that means Iraq has took on Russia and US and still survived. China says they're next. "We will send in two million soldiers for a start."
No Change In Middle East
Is the Middle East on the Brink of a New Regional War? Actually, there has been the same war since 1948.
Back To Abnormal
Departing US troops pack millions of items in Iraq. Iraqis looking for a new Saddam!
That Burns Me Up!
'Solar Tsunami' to Strike Earth Tonight. See you in the next life.
Just Be Patient
Geithner: Unemployment up before down! - "It's the poor house before the silver trailer!"
At 65 Rod Stewart asks 'Do You Think I'm Sexy?'
'I'm far funnier than Peter Kay', brags James Corden
We assume he meant to say 'far fatter'.
Horoscopes - Aquarius - August
Stone: Opal (Vauxhall in the UK)
At the end of the month you will come into some money. Next time use a tissue, it's less expensive. Tuesday's will be particularly bad this month.
It's Been Posted
Drugmaker Pfizer posts 9 percent jump in 2Q profit after supplying Viagra to help older male's posts.
Incomes, Spending Down
Consumer spending and personal incomes both weak. Theory is that once people have less to spend, they spend less.
Factory Orders Drop
Factory orders drop for second straight month. "With the ones already empty, no one wants to order a new one", says economist!
Oil Spill Still Missing
4.9 million barrels of oil gushed into Gulf, 10-12 times that originally thought. So where is it?
Waters In Hot Waters Herself
HOT WATERS: Ethics panel files charges against Maxine Waters. Just like she was up front after Newt Gingrich in 1990s.
Hardly Worth The Effort!
Unhappy robber: Gunman calls restaurant to gripe. "Might as well be on welfare!"
NEW LOW FOR O:
USA TODAY GALLUP HAS OBAMA APPROVE AT 41% And Dropping. "How high are the poll numbers, Mama? "They're 41% and dropping!"
Sprayed With Semen
Woman Sprayed With Human Semen at Grocery Store! Jacko The Clown Arrested!
Rolling Firehouse Closures
Philly Begins Rolling Closures Of Firehouses To Balance Budget. Cosmo Kramer to head up volunteers.
Heavily Taxed To Leave
Americans swap passports; Desire to avoid tax leads some to renounce citizenship, for greener grasses.
NEWSWEEK SOLD FOR $1?
Newsweek has been sold for $1 plus buyer will have to pay all outstanding bills. Many blame 37 Obama Covers!
Wife's Aspen Attack Admitted
Charlie Sheen pleads guilty in Aspen wife assault. "So I hit her with a tree."
Jury selection resumes in Anna Nicole Smith case as Nicole herself asks to be excused.
May Catch Up Later
Adult stem cell research far ahead of embryonic as embryos know very little about stem cell research.
Ready To Cut Gases
United States says it's committed to cutting greenhouse gases, especially those growing pole beans.
South Already Eager To Turn Loose!
Sun storms may bring northern lights farther south. Southerners once again plan to run amuck, yelling about the end of the world.
Now We Know
Sanofi shares drop on report of $18B Genzyme bid.... as does Fliversnatcher on report of Bugpasser Febadoodle.
Horton Listens To Who
D.R. Horton posts $50.5M profit for third quarter sfter taking advice of Who, who slipped into competitor's meetings.
Viagra Producers Up!
Viagra Drugmaker Pfizer posts 9 percent hump in 2Q profit. I'm sorry, that should have been "jump".
Dems Draining Pimples
Democrats declare swamp of corruption drained or as Joe Biden once stated: A pimple on the ass of progress.
Then Gov. Pays Those Laid Off
Geithner defends Obama policy on tax cut extension. "Wealthy businessmen should pay higher taxes, even if they have to lay off workers."
Cleans Up Your Digestive System
La. fishermen wrinkle their noses at 'smell tests' as government says detergent used has little smell. Could taste a little funny.
Biologists Using Noah's Ark
Biologist using Noah's Ark idea to save sealife. Probably should have thought of it before.
Slow Day For News
Military dog comes home from Iraq traumatized. Squirrel just missed by car has nervous breakdown.
Don't Forget To Bid
Comic book buff selling rare copy of Batman No. 1, Meteor headed straight for earth, Someone's stolen Pakistan's nuclear weapons.
Kagan Could Be Derailed
Confirmation on track, Senate starts Kagan debate with train on it's way.
Clash In Middle East
Israeli and Lebanese troops clash on baloney! That should be "border".
School Budgets Cut
Schools seeking volunteer mentors. Several may have one teacher on big screen. Parent volunteers to monitor rooms.
As School Funding Bottoms Out
Schools seeking volunteer mentors, teachers that will work for half salary, that have retired.
Another Quagmire On The Rise?
Deadly flooding spreads to Pakistan's heartland. US troops leaving Iraq to Afghanistan may head next to nuclear Pakistan.
Oil Leak Killed?
On Gulf, crews hope kill attempt will do the trick. It's already 'done the trick' to sea creatures.
Summer Fading Away?
Summer's last hurrah! Only six weeks left of 90-plus degrees!
Americans May Have To Purchase Supplements In Canada
U.S. dietary supplements often contaminated: report. Stick to new health care until we get control of supplements also.
Us Condemns Dietary Supplements As Too Cheap
U.S. dietary supplements often contaminated: report. Drugs are much better for you.
U.S. dietary supplements often contaminated according to report. Recommend sticking to drugs.
Pimples On Dems' Ass Lanced
Democrats declare swamp of corruption drained. GOP says it's a slow drain. Claim they have drained their own.
Rare Comics For Sale
Comic book buff selling rare copy of Batman No. 1., The Monster That Ate Cleveland thrown in free.
Bowser Refused Credit
New ID theft targets kids' SS numbers. Several caught as US give out fake numbers for dogs.
Damage Claims In Limbo
BP leaves many damage claims waiting in limbo. Pope claims he knew nothing about it.
Apple stop development of newest product for teen market...
...re-think expected on "i-Touch kids"
Unemployed to be deported
William Hagyou, stated today that Job Seekers claiming benefit, could be deported to save the country money. Where to has yet to be decided.
Liars & Losers!
Ten entries in the French horse-eating contest end in tie. No one could finish one. But several stated earlier "I could eat a horse."
Some Economy Up
Administration Economists Enthusiastically Report Solid Performance of Sardines and Cracker Sector In Second Quarter!!
Washington The Enemy
AZ 'politician turned sheriff' calls US government, Obama, 'our enemy'
Barack Obama to confirm plans for U.S. troop withdrawal from Iraq. Will name the lucky troop near the end of the month.
More than half of schoolgirls are bullied because of their appearance. Oh my, you should see this lot!
Living On 90%
Food prices to soar 10% in time for the New Year. Resolutions to lose weight may work this time.
Job Openings Closed
Job centres banned from advertising for strippers, lapdancers and topless barmaids. However, bottomless maids can hide behind bar.
Wettest July Ever
England records wettest ever July despite heatwave... and more rain is on the way, eventually.
Too Many Rules?
Tory party chairman says Muslim women SHOULD be allowed to wear the Burka, bank patrons should be allowed ski masks.
Billy The Kid May Be Pardoned
New Mexico Governor may pardon killer and back shooter, Billy The Kid. "If only he had been allowed to grow up, maybe he wouldn't have killed many more", says supporter.
He Meant No Harm, Except Those He Killed & Maimed Of Course
Scores of moronic mourners turn out to pay last respects at funeral of fugitive killer Raoul 'The Roach' Moat.
No Cursing at Goldman Sachs Group Anymore
The Goldman Sachs e-mail referring to a "shitty deal," which subsequently led to fraud charges, is now verboten. Any new correspondence must use the phrase "covered in dog poop deal!"
Obama Still Stimulating the Economy
President Obama says the recession is not over and the US economic recovery has a ways to go. The president's latest executive order authorizes prostitutes to give unemployed Johns food stamps!
New Product Development
Spray on deodorants can cause freezing of the skin. A pharmaceutical company is marketing a similar externally employed product as an alternative to taking Viagra!
An Open and Shut Case
Mel Gibson's agent says "Mel is going to have his mouth sewn shut." The noted oral surgeon Dr. Hyman Goldstein has been retained to do the job!
Welcome to Management 102
President Obama is to continue his management training by taking Management 102. This class enables executives "to know the difference between their ass and a hole in the ground!"
President Obama made a secret trip to Afghanistan to meet with Taliban leaders. The Taliban leadership was willing to swap Osama bin Laden for VP Biden. Your guess is as good as mine!
Better than Football (Soccer)
A women's topless advocacy group is sponsoring a volleyball game for charity. It will be the gals against the guys or skins against the shirts if you prefer, respectively!
Reelection Campaign Tactics
Senator Clagghorn (D) issued a statement that when President Obama comes to town to help his reelection, the Senator will be unavailable. Anonymous sources indicate he is painting his house that day.
Political Strip Poker
HS Pelosi may lose more than her gavel if the GOP recaptures the US House. She has been called on her boast that the House will remain Democratic to play strip poker based on the number of seats lost.
EPA Bans Refried Beans
EPA says "refried beans cause noxious gas production" and make it a felony. ICE now using noxious gas production detectors to stop people to see if they are illegal immigrants and then deport them.
White House Blog Spin (Bullshit)
Opponents of health care turning to the courts to attempt to overturn work of the elected legislative branch.
Passed by bribery, corruption, nobody reading the bill & the American people against it!
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