Spoof news snippets from Sunday 29 August 2010
Democrats and Republicans Unite Against Teabaggers
WASHINGTON, DC - As incumbents from both sides of the isle realize that most Americans despise them, they are now uniting against America's best hope - the TEA-Party.
International Cricket Council happy with scandal...
finally something to make cricket less boring.
Local man kicked off Dragons Den...
...told Deborah Meaden to nip off and make tea while the men talk business.
Besides, Iran Says You Don't Exist!
PLO Pres. Mahmoud Abbas warned Sunday that he will not back down from his threat to pull out of new peace talks with Israel if it resumes construction in West Bank settlements. So I guess that's that!
Brain Still On Vacation?
Obama in New Orleans: 'We're all in this thing together. I do care ...ice cream melting on my hand...here, hold this..I do care about what I just said!"
New Cold War? #2
Norway 'bomb plot' underscores al-Qaida pitfalls. Is cold war returning? This time between Islamic/Non-Islamic forces?
New Negotiations On Peace Off To Rough Start.
Abbas, Palestinians should die: Israeli rabbi, who doesn't exist.
Highest Hilton Ever Built
Paris Hilton arrested on cocaine charge. Lard can full in the back seat. States she was only holding it for a friend.
Hold The Mayo!
Archaeologists find new clues why the Maya left in discovery of centuries-old jar of Mayanaise!
Next Cold War?
Arson reported at Tennessee mosque construction site. As Gilda Radner said, "It's always something."
Hip Replacement Recall
J&J unit recalls hip replacement products! "We've all got the ass at that company", says local receiver!
Minimum Egg Cooking: 15 Minutes
Egg industry resorts to blaming the victim in recall, critics say. "You're supposed to cook them till you can bounce it off the floor."
Obama: Yes We Can Vacation!
President Obama wraps up two-year vacation, heads to New Orleans.
Sudden downpour causes 69 car crashes on Ariz. interstate. "Old Fart still had his left turn signal on...on the Interstate!", claims driver behind first car to slide.
Earl The Pearl!
Hurricane warnings issued as Earl nears Caribbean. Weather Channel happy again. Send out 200 reporters.
Quiet Indonesian volcano erupts. Usually they do it with a roar. This one is sneaky.
Congress to Consider Single-Payer Lawn Care System
WASHINGTON, DC - Harry Reid announced today that he will introduce legislation next week that will mandate that all homeowners subscribe to the American Lawn Care Program (ALCP).
Now On Endangered List
PETA: Owners of vuvuzelas have been added to the protected species list.
Someone Has To Rune The Country
State of Arizona, Washington DC agree upon one thing: It's illegal to kill rattlesnakes in either.
Tiger Woods: On Women!
Tiger Woods in first interview since divorce claims that he was simply making sure that America had plenty of good golfers in the future.
Here's The Lowdown!
Americans jobs availability, especially those who make teenager's pants, falls to a record low.
Sorry. You Can Try Back-Up List
New Bikini Airlines already booked through December, 2012.
New Bikini Airlines
New Bikini Thong Airlines says you may feel funny, especially men, but you won't have to go through body scan and fly completely safe with them!
Just Rock You Back On Your Feet
COMMERCIAL TELEVISION CLAIMS THAT THEIR COMMERCIALS ARE NO LOUDER THAN SHOWS!!!!!
Gore In A Doomsday Panic!
Tipper said to have filed for divorce after claiming that Al runs around fighting squirrels over storing edible nuts, freezing berries, yelling about "It's Almost Here!"
Album Sales Hit Lows Again
Album Sales Hit Record Lows. Again. Study shows buyers say there is no talent, many sound exactly alike.
UN May Have To Help Mexico, Also!
Afghanistan election: five campaigners for female candidate shot dead. UN really making a difference here.
Graft-Fighting Prosecutor Fired in Afghanistan. "We have always used the Bribe System!"
We Once Had Ethics Too
3 nominees for SKorean Cabinet positions, including prime minister, withdrew from consideration Sunday amid a growing controversy over ethical standards & alleged misconduct. US was once like that.
They Love Me Here!
Uganda's president announces bid for 14th term, once again with no opponents.
Obama, Dems got 88% of employee contributions from ABC, CBS, NBC....001% from FOX!
It's Gum Versus Sandwich
Russian subs stalk Trident in echo of the Cold War.
Called: The Firing Squad
Medicare expands coverage to program to help killers quit!
Scientists: We've cracked wheat's genetic code, Bob Dylan's mumbling!
Danielle now lowest-level hurricane far offshore. Weather Channel back to showing fire tornado!
Danielle Now Lowest Level Hurricane
Danielle now lowest-level hurricane far offshore mumbles guy on the Weather Channel. "Throw a fit if you want", says cameraman. "Nobody's watching."
Certainly Brought It Back To Life
9 years later, signs of life emerge at ground zero as over 100,000 show up for pro/anti mosque building.
Fry Me Kangeroo Nuts, Cuts
Kangaroo testicle? Chefs in Serbia say, 'Yes!' "We're having a Ball!"
Kangaroo's Protest Against Serbia
Kangaroo testicle? Chefs in Serbia say, 'Yes!' Hop on down!
French Chefs Jealous
Kangaroo testicle? Chefs in Serbia say, 'Yes!' French chefs upset that they weren't cooking them first. Say they're 'not so good'.
Kim Still Wandering Around
NKorean leader Kim tours Chinese border cities, still trying to find his way back to North Korea.
You May Not Feel Good For Long!
HOW TO: Make Free iPhone Ringtones. Scream by James Brown at the first of "I Feel Good" is popular, especially at restaurants, libraries & theaters.
Make Your Own iPhone
HOW TO: Make Free iPhone Ringtones. The Ned Beatty Squeal from "Deliverance" Becoming Popular!
Vikings, Favre Win
Vikings win as Favre has up and down Dome debut. Pretty much describes last year's season, also.
Scientists Crack Corn?
Scientists: We've cracked wheat's genetic code. "Now we're out to crack corn, if anyone cares."
Scientists Crack Code
Scientists: We've cracked wheat's genetic code. If wheat ever attacks, we will be able to understand them.
Boomers Getting Older
Boomrs who were once the Pepsi Generation now the Poopsy Generation!
Opponents Say There Are Other Places For Mosque
Imam behind NYC mosque faces divisions over center, even from other Muslims.
The Anti Generation!
German government officials and immigrant leaders are condemning remarks by a board member of Germany's federal bank as racist and anti-Semitic, anti-Muslim. Everything today is anti-something.
Everything on the Net
Internet wiping out printed Oxford Dictionary. Say they will be changing to all online in the near future. Plus the last encyclopedia salesman retires.
Ono In Iceland
Ono to mark John Lennon's 70th birthday in Iceland, which seems appropriate somehow.
Try Eating Healthy
Study: More omega-3 fats didn't aid heart patients. Instead of omega-3 fats, look up coffee, wine, vitamins, herbs, etc for the same wasted studies. All get pro/con results.
A volcano in western Indonesia spewed hot lava and sand high into the sky early Sunday in its first eruption in 400 years. Is the earth in rebellion?
"Cocaine, All Around My Brain!"#2
Vapor trail' leads to Paris Hilton's Vegas arrest. "Oh that's just what I use to Powder My Nose!"
Cocaine, All Around My Brain!"
Vapor trail' leads to Paris Hilton's Vegas arrest. Paris Hilton's big secret: She loves burritos!
It Will Probably Happen Again
La. residents rid grief in symbolic Katrina burial. Time to move on and quit the blame-game. Lots of mistakes. The main cause is that New Orleans is BELOW sea level and in a bowl. It still is.
Beck rally signals election trouble for Dems
Beck sights tremendous debt that grandchildren will have to pay for today's "Vacations & Spending!"
Reversing The Sixties!
Beck rally signals election trouble for Democrats as the anti-establishment is growing stronger daily.
Making Your Own Ringtones #2
HOW TO: Make Free iPhone Ringtones. Try placing a recorder under your Grandparent's bed or "Snores & Farts Galore!"
How To Make Ringtones
HOW TO: Make Free iPhone Ringtones. "Try slipping a recorder under your parent's bed."
How To Make Your Own Ringtones
HOW TO: Make Free iPhone Ringtones. Uncle Fudd calling in the hogs makes a dandy, especially on a date.
HOW TO: Make Free iPhone Ringtones. Try Aunt Hilda talking about her hemroids.
Everyone Will Move Away When Someone Calls
HOW TO: Make Free iPhone Ringtones such as dad cutting loose a wall shaker!
Golf In The Gulf
Obama visiting New Orleans on Katrina anniversary. Plans to look concerned. Have reporters show him hugging a few. Play some more golf.
Big Political News...Not!
W.Va. governor wins Dem primary for US Senate! Yada yada yada!
Try not to get too excited. Remember the bad heart.
Bristol man found to have vagina...
Comedy is when a story or joke makes you laugh. Real comedy is when the same story or joke awakens you at 3:00 AM causing you to laugh hysterically!
Another EPA Regulation
EPA may regulate "fly ass" pollution in late 2011. Oops, that should be EPA may regulate "fly ash" pollution in late 2011!
New study by Democratic far left liberal researchers blames inner-city crime on lead poisoning. Didn't the previous study by these same researchers blame inner-city crime on global warming?
Are We Green Enough Yet?
The National Rifle Association and rabid environmentalists have compromised on using lead in bullets. All new manufactured lead ammunition is to be tinted green starting in 2050!
They Can't Smell the Roses
EPA determines rabid environmentalists have had their heads up their butts for too long. Thus environmentalist's sense of smell has been lost, such that they don't know their trumped up issues stink!
No Green on their Horizon
SecDef Gates turns down a request by rabid environmentalists to paint flight decks of all US Aircraft Carriers green. He said "US Navy pilots will not land on a ping pong table to satisfy you loons!"
I Take That as a No
SecDef Gates turns down a request by rabid environmentalists to paint all US Submarines green, so as not to scare whales. A Submarine Navy Chief said "you loons @*$! #%* and the horse you rode in on!"
No Tank You Very Much, Hoorah
SecDef Gates turns down a request by rabid environmentalists to paint all US Army/Marine Corps Tanks green. He said "Listen up loons, tanks are painted green for jungle & brown for desert warfare!"
Why Seniors are Mad at Obama and Congress
Democrats have F**ked-Up seniors in retirement who planned ahead with IRAs and investments, during their 50 year working life. They're stuck paying for wealth redistribution programs for deadbeats!
A Kinder OSHA Warning Label
OSHA is trying a new motherly approach to condom warning labels. The new warning label reads "DON'T COME OUT WITHOUT YOUR RUBBERS ON!"
FDA Worried About Vending Machine Food
FDA government bureaucrats that approved the plastic cheese and meat products that go into vending machine food are now specifying menu labeling requirements to tell the public how CRAPPO the food is!
FDA Vending Machine Food Labeling
Vending machines should have a single warning label saying "Food herein is not to be eaten unless you have pulled an all-nighter, you have already eaten your elbow & your office mate looks delicious!"
Home-schooling mom in Kentucky disciplines son for disturbing others, makes him go to school!
Fleetwood Mac Still Doing Well
Ginnie Mae and Freddie Mac both having problems because of weak economy but Fleetwood Mac urges us "Don't stop thinking about tomorrow, we'll still be here."
Overdid It Old Boy!
Limbaugh: Tests show no ailments after chest pain. Maybe too many purple pills!
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