Spoof news snippets from Saturday 28 August 2010
Mimes Still Under There
Huge landslide that caught a bus full of mimes heading for street performances all over France ignored for the 31st day. "We must do this right & not take chances", says man in charge.
Nigerian's Find Cure!
For what is probably the first time ever, two Nigerian scientists have found a cure for a disease no one has yet gotten, but will soon. Send $50 today.
Brazil Tribe Get Another Laugh
Explorers in Brazil have announced they have found a penguin. "Never mind. It's a trick by those "Stone Age People" keep pulling."
Obama Speech On Iraq
Obama: Iraq war is ending, Baghdad to chart future..Snort! Excuse me. Snort!
Ground Zero Finally Busy
9 years later, signs of life emerge at ground zero where two opposing groups go at it tooth & nail!
Kim & Son Returning From China
North Korean leader appears to be heading his flat head home!
Probably The Same
For Obamas, a (mostly) uninterrupted vacation. What will the next two years be like?
Around & Around She Goes
A federal judge in Az. made "serious errors" when she agreed with Obama administration & blocked key sections of Az. immigration law, according to lawyers for Gov. Jan Brewer. Supreme Court next?
Plans to shun Mary Bale thwarted
Following a vote by Sun readers on an appropriate punishment for cat-binning Mary Bale, the most popular suggestion of sending her to Coventry was stonewalled - because she already lives there.Bugger.
Beck In DC
Beck: Help us restore traditional American values! Washington has lost touch with America and I'm not talking about Bill Clinton and his aids.
Paris Hilton Nabbed Again
'Vapor trail' leads to Paris Hilton's Vegas arrest. Motorcycle cop smelled pot smoke coming from a vehicle, stopped it and in the search, found a bag of cocaine.
Kenya gets new American-style constitution, already slinging mud like crazy!
Wore US Uniforms
Afghan militants in US uniforms storm 2 NATO bases. "It's a good thing we were tipped off and had Taliban outfits on" states one officer.
New Larry Craig Excuse
Former Bathroom Stall star Larry Craig has updated his excuse for tapping undercover policeman's shoe at airport. "I had one hanging and I was trying to jar it loose."
School Race Relations
Top schools could be branded failures for failing to promote race relations as NASCAR fans continue to be called 'Mullet Heads".
Fun & Games In DC
Beck says US has 'wandered in darkness' too long. Sharpton says that is a racist remark by whitey!
Doctor Only Needed To Prove You're dead
Montana third state to allow doctor-assisted suicide. In their case, they just push them over a mountain's edge.
Area Man Changes Name
SAN FRANCISCO, CA - "Area Man" filed a petition with the California Northern District Court today to have his name changed to "Aria Mann".
Just Looks Younger
Researchers now say that Sarah Palin was actually born in early 1959 and is five years older than stated. So she was born in Alaska just before it became a state.
Long Pass Helps Saints
Ivory's 116-yard TD helps Saints top Chargers 36-21. Chargers claim he was out of end zone and in stands but officials won't review. "It's a practice game, for pete's sake!"
Relying On The Mayan Market
President Obama says he expects the economy will pick up in 2011. "Lots of Mayans ready to blow life savings before 2012."
Here, Eat This!
Girl Scouts in region hope to sell 2.5M boxes of cookies this year before leaders realize they are penis-shaped.
Who Told Him That?
Two-year-old in Chicago accused of using "potty" words!
Did Americans get any healthier over past decade? Is Barack Obama on vacation? Is the Pope Catholic?
Maybe Two Years?
Obama family: It's so pretty in Martha's Vineyard, we've decided to stay another two weeks.
Like Father, Like Son!
Daredevil Robbie Knievel eats more boiled eggs than "Cool Hand Luke!" Releases one fart registering on Richter Scale.
Growing numbers of the American voters agree with the Who.
"Meet the new boss...Same as the old boss!"
Porn Star Quits
Porn star says he's leaving job before he's gets all screwed up!
OJ Simpson's Case
FBI, new cellmate probing into OJ Simpson's case once again.
The Power Pack Whupass Company recall over 100,000 cans of Whupass! Could come apart by accident, beating the crap out of you.
Tiger Back To Normal (For Him)
Tiger Woods says that he's glad divorce finalized. Now he can concentrate on his first love, women!
Fumes Affect 100
100 affected by fumes at MGM pool in Vegas. Owners promise no more "All The Burritos You Can Eat Night".
Russia's New Launch Center
Putin visits site of Russia's new launch center that could possibly shield view of satellites.
Kenya's New Constitution
Kenya gets new American-style constitution. That's what we have now, American-STYLE! Been beat up on a lot lately.
Jung Trying To Come Back To NKorea
NKorean leader appears to be headed home, although he's circling a lot.
Meerkats Set Record
The Meerkats Captioning sets record for most days on. Now shoes on today. "I don't want to talk about it", says one. Other in padded cell.
Outrage Over Cat Tossed in Trash
Apparently there was a cat tossed into a wheelie bin in England. Any news on that?
DHS Secretary Arrested
Dept. Home Security Press Secretary Arrested on Child Seduction Charges! Perfect man for protecting the home!
US Rep To Get Lonely
EU's Ashton to skip restarted Mideast peace talks. "We're going but not participating", say Israel, PLO.
Transplant Coming Up?
Putin, the Russian Prime Minister spends the day collecting whale penis.
Pirate Pleads Guilty
Would-be pirate pleads guilty to attacking warship. "Aye, me cutlass wasn't enough!"
They're Both Guilty
Analyst: CITIGROUP, Emeril Lagasse 'Cooking the Books'! Bam!
"Let Them Eat Coke!"
Obama, Bloomberg talk about brutal economy -- over golf game.
That's All We Need!
Jerry Springer: Obama excellent president. Obama orders secret service agent to throw a chair at him.
Russian Subs Stalk Trident
Russian subs stalk Trident in echo of Cold War. Claim they're only there to study for making new movie.
RECOVERY BUMMER: Youth employment lowest since 1948. "Today's youth don't remember those times. The term 'bummer' either", says study.
Can't Afford Military?
Joint Chiefs Chairman: National Debt is a Security Threat. Obama accuses them of listening to Limbaugh.
Stimulus Would Only Be Temporary
Bernanke promises 'unconventional' stimulus steps. "Like free hookers near tolling booths in November."
Old Fashioned Stimus Needed?
Bernanke promises 'unconventional' stimulus steps. "Like handing out $100 bills during November election."
Bus Signs For Pope's Visit
"Ordain women," London bus ads will urge Pope. "Leave choirboys alone!" will be on opposite side.
Five Deep In Some Places
Britain being "overrun" by street signs. "Sometimes we don't know what town we're in", claim drivers.
Maybe A Comeback Today
Woods struggles during second round at Barclays. "He kept muttering 'half a billion dollars' as we walked together', says his partner.
Woods Struggles The Second Day
Woods struggles during second round at Barclays as his putter gets him in trouble once again.
Hope There's No New Curse
Tut-tut: Security problems seen in Egypt's museums as mummies keep disappearing museum, showing up in movies.
Too Busy Trying To Pay Bills
Recession may have pushed US birth rate to new low as working 2 jobs cuts into sex time.
Putin Visits New Launch Center
Putin visits site of Russia's new launch center. Will continue space exploration even if US doesn't..until Obama leaves office.
Mexicana Airlines Struggling
Struggling Mexicana airline halting all operations. May ask for Drug Lord Bailout.
Best Homes Not Selling
Architectural gems languish on Calif. home market. More retiring Chinese businessmen looking at the area.
China, Japan Form Economic Ties
China, Japan talks to strengthen economic ties as Japanese look for car buyers that are not so choosy about safety.
Contractor Leaking Secrets
Federal contractor charged with leaking secrets. Contractor says he has a bladder problem.
EPA Not To Make Lead Bullets Illegal
EPA denies bid to ban lead in hunting ammunition. "They'd just use poisoned darts."
Ginsburg On "High Court!"
Ginsburg talks about television and the high court. "We had our own private bar just in the next room."
Donald Duck, Kim's Friend
Carter's diplomacy, dressing as Donald Duck, helps free American prisoner in NKorea.
No Kumbya This Time!
Glenn Beck calls for thousands at DC rally. Bob Dylan, Joan Baez turn down invitation!
Police Find Body
After four months, body of Las Vegas woman found in clutter at home. Police thank kids who they overheard calling it "the dead woman's house".
"Smoking Could Help You Lose Weight, Jack"
Medicare expands coverage to help smokers quit, will work on gluttons next.
More Chinese Teachers
WKU will double Chinese teachers in area next year. Mostly to teach simple economics to pass on to Obama Administration.
Ript At Folsom!
7 Folsom inmates hurt after riot, shots fired after someone claims they saw ghost of Johnny Cash!
Cuba Opening Up?
Cuba eases property laws, could open door to golf, autos built since 1959.
Iraq On High Alert
Iraq on highest alert for terror attacks since US entered there to topple Saddam. "They know the 49,000 troops left not as well protected", says Iraqi official.
We Must Do Something
Medicare expands coverage to help smokers quit, after thinking it over for 25 years.
Fewer Hurriacanes Than Predicted..Again!
Danielle may bring dangerous rip currents to US. Weathermen, like failing sports begin rant, "Just wait till next year!"
Missed It Again?
Danielle may bring dangerous rip currents to US as weathermen make the best of another wrong predictions on number of Hurricanes hitting US.
Insurgents Attack Bases
Insurgents attack 2 bases in east Afghanistan, under new Taleban motto "If you delay it, they will leave!"
Ground Zero Mosque Tax?
Ground Zero Muslim center may get public financing, demolition!
G.Z. Mosque Could Get Public Funding
Ground Zero Muslim center may get public financing. This should make it more popular than ever.
Libya Open For Business
The 'new Dubai'? Libya open for business. Muammar al-Gaddafi invites Disney reps.
Their Loss, Your Gain
PC industry's woes could mean bargains this fall. Be a good time for a backup for your work on TheSpoof.
Cuba eases property laws, could open door to golf, even baseball if Cuba could enter Major Leagues.
Love Our Baseball Too
Cuba eases property laws, could open door to golf..but not baseball!
Four Month Case Solved
Body of Las Vegas woman found in clutter at home. "We should have noticed the 50 circling buzzards sooner", says police sergeant.
After 4 Months, Body Found
Body of Las Vegas woman found in clutter at home. "Neighbors tried to point out 4 months of newspapers on the porch", admits police sergeant.
Body Turns Up At Home
Body of Las Vegas woman found in clutter at home. "It's always the last place you look", says police sergeant.
Body Found In Las Vegas
After four month search, body of Las Vegas woman found in clutter at home. "Should have looked there first", admits police sergeant.
DC Rally Today
Glenn Beck calls for thousands at DC rally to hear his "I Have A Nightmare" speech!
Paris Hilton Arrested
Police: Paris Hilton arrested on cocaine charge. Already out on bail. German police ask police to send her to them. They hadn't occupied Paris in a long time.
Paris Arrested Again
Police: Paris Hilton arrested on cocaine charge again. Could have to serve full three hours this time.
.....looks on the net and Yahoo to compare Erekats peace deals
Reader's Digest Changing
New Reader's Digest article "Why Is Johnny's Penis So Short" shows a big change in it's format.
Can You Stop Us?
Miami may put six 350-400 pound linemen on offensive line this year. "We'll probably run a lot", says coach.
Anotheer Al-Qaida Threat
Al-Qaida takes credit for volcano explosion in Iceland earlier this year and claim they will fire off a couple more if UN doesn't leave Afghanistan.
Ask Larry King
Most recent find by archaeologists push the big bang theory back at least a hundred billion years, "and prove that we're wrong!" they tell group that disputes it.
18 NFL Game Season
NFL moving forward with 18-game season, with only two preseason games. "If we're gonna play football, let's play football", say owners. Favre: They're after me.
Woods Struggles Today!
Woods struggles during second round at Barclays after best day of the year yesterday. "My life is a lot of ups and downs", he tells reporters.
New Opening Up Of Cuba?
Cuba embraces 2 surprising free-market reforms! Will allow citizens sell abroad, golfers to come to courses there. "But you can't have our baseball players!"
New NKorean Leader?
NKorean leader's trip spurs succession speculation! Also wanted to avoid meeting Jimmy Carter.
Let In The Clones
Female Hollywood stars are having themselves cloned. Plan to teach clone everything about acting and retire to eat till they're 500 pounds!
She's Me All Over
Male Hollywood stars are having themselves cloned, with a sex change thrown in. "In 16 years she'll be perfect."
Makers of steroids to have their own Athlete's Hall Of Fame in Las Vegas!
International Breast Appreciation Day in the UK
Rumors are rampant that Susan Boyle is to be the Grand Mistress of the London Breast Appreciation Day celebration parade. She supposedly is to be featured on the "Go Topless" organizations float.
New penis growth hormone with bend radius enhancers makes male unisexual unions a reality!
Turnabout is Fair Play
Environmentalists call for an end to metals mining. They demand more plastics made from petroleum, be used in everyday products. They also encourage deep water oil drilling to extract this petroleum!
Gubernatorial Election Season
Democratic Governor (fill in your state governor's name and state name here if applicable) claims to create jobs by hiring wife, brother-in-law, three uncles and a couple of cousins!
No Wonder there's Gambling in Nevada
Democratic liberal far left wing loon SML (tax, spend, regulate) Harry Reid versus Republican Tea Party conservative far right wing Looney Tunes (anti-abortion, anti-gay marriage) Sharron Angle.
The Forth Option Was Kept Quiet
FED Chairman Bernanke outlined 3 options to get the US economy moving. A 4th option was locking Pres. Obama, HS Pelosi & SML Reid in the White House basement until the Republicans take over Congress.
Thermosphere is cooling due to a lack of Sun activity. Once the election season is over the lower atmosphere could see a reduction in temperature, as all the Democratic political hot air dissipates!
The FDA has found the single chicken responsible for the recall of 500 million contaminated eggs. When grilled, the chicken said "she was tired!"
That's a Yoke Son
Finally, there is a sequel to the book "The Egg and I (Betty MacDonald 1945)." It is called The Egg and I Don't Feel Too Good!
Why did the chicken cross the road I?
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because of all those contaminated eggs!
Why did the chicken cross the road II?
Why did the chicken cross the road? To leave the State of Iowa!
Why did the chicken cross the road III?
Why did the chicken cross the road? To call the FDA!
Which came first I?
Which came first, the chicken or the egg? The chicken, because if there was a contaminated egg there would be no chicken!
Which came first II?
Which came first, the chicken or the egg? The egg, grown in a Petri Dish free from contamination!
Why Didn't I Think of That
Fidel Castro says al-Qaida leader Osama bin Laden is a bought-and-paid-for CIA agent. The Spoof editorial staff believes Fidel writes under a pen name not shown on "Our Top Writers Chart!"
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