Spoof news snippets from Thursday 26 August 2010
Too Many Disinfectants
Disinfectants Cause Some Bacteria to Adapt, Thrive, Star in TV commercials as cute little cartoon versions...FROM HELL!
Right Back At You
Illinois man tired of looking at big windmill for energy on neighbor's property installs one toward his. Could cause small tornado.
CA OKs 20% rate hike for Blue Cross; Blue Shield to jump as much as 29%. Number of middle-class residents leaving the state at 10%!
Could It Have Been Us?
Co-chair of Obama debt panel: Social Security is 'milk cow with 310 million tits!' Obama wants to know who thought it up in the first place!
Halifax Bank Losing Billions Thanks to Daft Radio Idea
You've seen the adverts and it's why Halifax Bank have lost billions during 2010. They're seemingly too busy trying to run a dull radio station using middle class idiots in suits than running a bank.
Next In Line: Yemen!
Bin Laden's bodyguard warns of escalation in Yemen. "That's where the UN/US may have to go next.
Taliban Spirit is revised as US troops pull out ?
Well I guess the president of Afghanistan has just stated that the Taliban is happy to hear US Troops will be pulling out soon and its free opium for everyone until Mexico takes our Social Security ?
Elton John stated today that he is available for more $1 Million dollar weddings. Be sure to catch his latest, "Take This Job & Shove It", with Adam Lambert!
Vatican Gets Serious About Priest Molesting Kids!
The Vatican has issued a new "No Tail-Gaiting" policy to all priests. "I'm tired of this! Scrub up the old Iron Maiden".
Wall Street Down
Dow Jones drops below 10,000! Three jumpers drop below third, fourth floors.
Wish They Would Quit That!
Scientists in the jungles of Brazil have apparently discovered a new species of frog that are large as Army tanks. Never mind. Just another trick those "Lost Tribes" are trying to pull once again!
YOU Could Be Spiderman
Scientists say people could soon be able to stick to buildings like Spiderman by wearing special gloves and shoes. But warn about coming out of shoes at the 10th floor.
Aniston Tries Lying?
Jennifer Aniston is under attack from a disability group for using the word "retard" in a TV interview. "I meant that they had retired."
3D TV Soon!
Sony working on glasses-free 3D TVs but say so far, only alcohol in glass produces the effect!
More Toyota Troubles
Japanese car maker Toyota has announced it is recalling 1.13 million of its Corolla vehicles in the United States because of an engine fault. Tends to break from frame & fall on the highway!
Lohan Back On The Road!
Lindsay Lohan is back behind the wheel just two days after completing her sentence for a DUI conviction. Look or an update for your GPS system to keep up with where she's driving.
"I Knew It Was Something We Forgot!"
Police had an easy job identifying a naked couple who broke into a house and filmed themselves having sex - because they left the camera behind.
Twilight Eclipse Eclipsed!
'Eclipse' beaten as top summer film as Toy Story 3 brought in more money! Now if Toy Story 4 can include vampires?
Reporter's Dream #4
Astronomers say that newly discovered meteorite will come close enough to the earth to cause everyone's ears to flap!
Reporters Dream #3
Astronomers say that newly discovered meteorite will come close enough to the earth to cause earths rotation to spin into next week. Better grab onto something, someone big!
Reporters Dream #2
Astronomers say that newly discovered meteorite will come close enough to the earth to cause cause everyone to duck!
Astronomers say that newly discovered meteorite will come close enough to the earth to cause headlines for many years to come.
How About Victims?
Mothers' group outraged after their Facebook campaign to expose paedophiles is removed from the internet. Told that that would be offending them!
Man Barks Dog!
Man driven mad by dog's barking plays back recording to neighbour at full blast at 3am!
"Don't Mess With Texas!"
Texas fights global-warming power grab Lone Star state won't participate in Obama's lawless policy!
Kim Doing Visiting
NKorea's Kim visits China. Says he would love to come to the US to see "The Lion King" on Broadway.
Best Not To Think About It! How About Those Yankees?
One in 10 mortgage holders face foreclosure. "We're heading into depression numbers", says depressed economist!
Let's Spend Some More
BIDEN READY FOR MORE SPENDING: 'This is a chance to do something big, man! What's a hundred trillion?
Canadian police arrested two people on Wednesday in relation to what they called "terrorist offenses" and said they expect to make further arrests. "We once did that here", states sarcastic Senator.
Mexico Increases Pay
Mexico state to boost pay of state police, amount of their life insurance policies.
Talk About Male Chauvinism
A conservative Saudi cleric was told to stop giving unauthorized edicts after he called for a boycott of a supermarket chain that employs women as cashiers. "Women are for sex & babies!"
It Never Happened?
The Auschwitz memorial says it has obtained around 150 medical instruments believed to have been used by the Nazis in experiments on death camp inmates. Some from Iran, which says it never happened!
Iran Bans TV Opposition
Reports: Iran bars local coverage of opposition. Sort of like our news networks here!
Karzai Criticizes US Encouraging Taliban
President Hamid Karzai said that Obama plans to start withdrawing troops from Afghanistan next year had boosted the Taliban's spirits. "They will never give up now!"
Not That Carter
Carter in NKorea in bid to release jailed American. Asked if he had "Little liver pills" Kim saw ads for on old B&W cartoons.
Taliban Murderers Of Their Own
Pakistani Taliban hint at attacks on aid workers trying to help their people stay alive. Real charmers, these guys.
Very Small Exoplanet
Experts: Exoplanet could be smallest ever found. Even smaller that one that began rotating around Kirstie Alley's ass!
Or Oily Sunbathers Taken A Dip!
New microbe discovered eating oil spill in Gulf but also oily fish. Many hoping they won't develop taste for fish.
Stimulus Not Working
FACT CHECK: Stimulus assessments overly optimistic? Most would say so, since it hasn't helped anything yet.
College Funding Down
Colleges see prospective donors among new students. Ask them to volunteer to work traffic lights taking up donations.
Colleges Badly Needing Funds
First-year college students may get better grades if parents up the tuition a bit?
College Freshmen Asked To Give To College
On a growing number of campuses, first-year students are hearing another message. Please give. Not for tuition, but instead as a young donor. So far, only a few extra beer kegs to resale.
May Need Rangers Against Drug Violence On Border
State obscures elite Texas Rangers' border work. Shows old black & white TV show, "These Are Tales Of Texas Rangers!"
Sea Less Risky
Migrants turn to the sea to enter US illegally, trying to avoid being shot on the border...by the Mexican Drug Cartel!
Behold the awesome power of the fire tornado !
Ten times worse than regular tornado, Tasmanian she devil!
Pakistan Gets Help From US, Maybe
Pakistan floods threaten 3 towns as levee fails. US sends Core of Engineers to help.
Kim Educates Chinese Schoolteachers
NKorea's Kim visits Chinese school, teachers say. Shows kids his favorite SpongeBob episodes.
Restaurants scramble after massive egg recall!
Several buying chickens and building coops in the back parking lot.
Egg Storm Already Hitting!
Restaurants scramble after massive egg recall as 'egg substitute' causing no tips from customers!
Egg Shortage Already Hitting Restaurants
Restaurants scramble after massive egg recall. Many up north get grits substitute thrown across the room.
Uses Air Guitar and Karaoke
Senator McConnell: U.S. is at a crossroads. Goes into the old Cream version of the song.
Man vs. Nature: Why Floods Still Win?
For one thing, say experts, they're a lot bigger than we are.
Pretty But Deadly?
Deep-sea images reveal colorful life off Indonesia including plate-sized spiders that ran photographers off.
New Sea Life Discovered
Deep-sea images reveal colorful life off Indonesia like man-sized Creature From The Black Lagoon!
Trapped Chile Miners Must Exercise Daily!
Miners' deep motivation: Stay slim or stay in mine. Exercising daily will be required or you won't slip through opening.
Drug cartel Massacre?
Drug cartel suspected in massacre of 72 migrants. US may soon need overseas troops here on our borders.
No Insurance In Between One Closing, Gov. Start-Ups
The First Victims of Health Care Reform? You and the small insurance company that has served you.
Several Insurance Companies To Close
The First Victims of Health Care Reform: The people employed in Insurance companies being laid off!
Traffic Jam Disappears
China's epic traffic jam 'vanished'. People were ordered to leave vehicles and David Copperfield appeared, say locals.
Chinese Traffic Jam Gone Overnight #2
The huge 11-day traffic jam in China disappeared during the night. UFO's seen again over the country.
Chinese Traffic Jam Gone Overnight
China's epic traffic jam 'vanished'. However, huge used car lot suddenly appears.
Stimulous Changed Us Alright
How the Stimulus Is Changing America! Buried both our generation in debt plus the next three!
However, Burrito Tornado Never Caught On Film, Just Lungs
Behold the awesome power of the fire tornado. Video shows that they really exist!
There He Is!
Would-be purse snatcher thwarted by his own photobomb as criminal caught in the family photo being shot!
Cameron's Baby "Florence" Named After "Florence and the Machine"
David & Samantha Cameron have confirmed they named their latest offspring after their favourite group; Florence & the Machine. "We were shagging to FATM when we conceived so it was a natural choice"
Egg Recall Scramble
Restaurants in a mad scramble after massive egg recall!
Ground Zero, A Pretty Large Area
Ground zero's boundaries evolve in mosque debate as everyone you talk to seems to have a different idea of where exactly IS Ground Zero?
Mosque Debate Continues
Tone of mosque debate worries NY archbishop. If there is another terrorist attack, this mosque will be the first target of revenge.
Call Our Specialists Here!
Pakistan floods threaten 3 towns as levee fails. When WILL these countries build levees strong enough to hold the water back?
Afghan pregnancy rate soars as UK bomb experts neutralise thousands of IUDs
'Ooops' say Ministry of Defence.
Mick Jagger Bigamy Shock
Two birds with one Stone.
Porn star found buried under patio
'He's hardcore' say police. More soon.
Stig apologises after putting Clarkson into wall at 180mph
"If the bricklayer's upset, I'm sorry."
Muslims say Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R., KY) should replace House Minority Whip Eric Cantor (R., VA) effective immediately, at least in a manner of speaking.
Wife files for divorce from incontinent husband
He was 'given to sudden outbursts' she tells judge...
John Terry regains Captain's armband after promise to 'tie a knot in it'
A leading London urinary tract specialist 'advises against it'.
Michael Jackson: Final Autopsy Report released
"He died of 'kid-on-knee failure'" says Report.
You're kidding, right?
On Sunday, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R., Ky.) suggested supporters of Manhattan's Ground Zero mosque should be rounded up and placed in internment camps.
Cameron: 'No going back' as nuclear fuel rod inserted into Clegg
Doctors describe the Deputy Prime Minister's condition as 'critical'. More soon...
You forgot someone
"We strongly support the attorneys general desire to end trafficking in children and women," says media spokesperson for Craiglists. Male prostitution apparently still okay - I'm outta here!
Life imitates unreality
Spencer Pratt annoyed as Heidi Montag sends divorce papers to her attorney to have him rewrite them "one more time" in hopes of attaining the perfect settlement.
Kittens to feature prominently in next Al-Qaeda Video
Al Qaeda sees Youtube video views dropping. Next video to feature two tabby kittens with Bin Laden hissing at maps of Turkey and Israel.
The pen drive is Also mightier than the sword
Wikileaks ignores Pentagon,posts CIA document saying US exportin terror-
There you go-Proof-the pen drive is Also mightier than the sword.
Facebook creating new portal for dogs
Facebook working on adapting itself to canine users-
Like to Lick,
Unlike to Unlick,
mouse to cat,
Comment to bark, etc
Mississippi oysters not safe to eat
Set to be replaced by Bob Dudley Oct. 1, BP CEO Tony Hayward tries to book going-away party at Biloxi Oyster Shack, gets chased out by staff armed with oyster shuckers.
Fresh eggs from recall farms to be pasteurized, processed
Experts say be on the lookout for a recall of pasteurized, processed egg products later this fall.
Former President Jimmy Carter is going to North Korea to be part of a prisoner exchange!
Tiger's Divorce Settlement
Tiger Woods divorce settlement with his wife was very generous, but at least he gets to keep his balls!
What's in a Name
There is a debate over President Obama being a Muslim. There is no debate that the Reverend Al Sharpton's actions designate him as a buffoon!
New Democratic Political Tactic
President Obama and the Democratic liberal left are now blaming former Republican President Calvin Coolidge for the failure of the current US economic recovery!
Thank You Mother Nature
Gulf of Mexico oil eating microbes send a message to the EPA asking for some vinegar and salad to go with all the oil they are consuming!
Always Getting it Wrong
Anonymous "find me a person who always gets it wrong and I will make you rich by doing the opposite."
And the Winner Is
The Democratic National Committee and President Obama both receive Emmy nominations for the most original creative written/oral fiction of the 2010 mid-term elections!
Kiss and Make Up
You think your city has problems. A "personal fight" between Sunni and Shiite factions in Beirut Lebanon resulted in the firing of rocket propelled grenades and machine guns at each other!
Hooters Management is out to Lunch
A Michigan judge gives the go-ahead for lawsuits by two ex-Hooter's waitresses, who say they were fired because of their weight. Doesn't Hooter's management know what the patrons were looking at?
Tina Fey for Vice President in 2012
Tina Fey may be President Obama's running mate in 2012. The president needs someone with a sense of humor. If elected, Tina Fey's Secret Service designation will be "Sarah Palin!"
Eskimo Arrive In Florida
Over 100 Eskimo arrive in Pensacola, Florida on shrinking floating iceberg. Wanted to get away from oil smell in Alaska. No one yet has the heart to tell them about the Gulf.
Obamas Returning From Vacation
Obamas say they enjoyed vacation in Martha's Vineyard and got to meet some of the Kennedy clan, old friends, Tareq and Michaele Salahi.
Al Gore Losing It!
Friends of Al Gore concerned over his health since split-up with Tipper. Friend: "He told me an identity thief hand stolen his money out of a Nigerian bank and that his penis pills never arrived."
Background Too Big
Attorneys hired by Democrats to dig further into Sarah Palin's background check have never reported back. Last seen wandering woods in Alaskan wilderness.
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