Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 25 August 2010
Prince Poppycock Steps up Game for Next Week on America's Got Talent
He's decided to add a character to his act. Baron von Balderdash. It should be quite the show.
Gene Simmons attacks KISS credit, giving him quite a tongue lashing!
Cheney Survives Heart Attack
Nation plunged into mourning
Mccain Picking Palin
Presidential candidate John McCain tells interviewer that picking Sarah Palin for his running mate in 2008 was a no-brainer!
Rare Tiger Eaten
Woman arrested for eating a rare tiger. "Tasted like Wood", she tells police.
Al-Jazeera purchases CNN Headline News. Little if no changes expected on programming except for subtitles.
Tiny Exoplanet Discovered
Experts: Exoplanet could be smallest ever found. Are there tiny little people there?
WalMart Appeals To Supreme Court
Wal-Mart Stores Inc has asked the Supreme Court to throw out a massive class action lawsuit alleging gender discrimination over pay for female workers. We'll raise our prices, turn Smiley upside down.
No One Wants Us To Help!
Obama to address nation to mark end of Iraq combat. Threatens to help other countries if need be. "We'll come and fight for a few years."
It Is Unbelievable How Everybody Hates Chris Has Suddenly Changed
The CW Channel drops Everybody Hates Chris when all of a sudden everybody for some strange reason starts liking Chris.
Remember The Phrase, "Let Them Eat Cake!" - Okay, But Just Be Forewarned!
The reality show Cake Boss has been put on temporary hiatus due to secret footage taken of one of cake boss Buddy Valastro's brothers-in-law which showed him spitting in the cake batter.
Obama to address nation, 50,000 troops in Iraq, to mark end of Iraq combat.
DANGER: Melted Frozen Ice Up Ahead
The reality show Ice Road Truckers is postponed due to the unusual heat wave which melts all of the ice on the road.
Lindsay Lohan Caught Cheating at Poker
The Bravo Network's Celebrity Poker Showdown is fined by the FCC on account of Lindsay Lohan is caught with counterfeit poker chips tucked in her groin region
FDA Been Wrong Before
Eggs from Iowa farms could come to table near you. FDA says new eggs, not recalled, from the same place are fine. Don't think many will risk it, though! FDA has had egg on it's face before.
Elin Nordegren: I Never Hit Tiger
Tiger Woods' ex-wife Elin Nordegren said she has "been through hell" since her husband's infidelity surfaced but she never hit him. "I think the media boxed his ears pretty good, though!"
Gotta Go Somewhere
Honolulu's long-standing trash woes growing worse. May have to pick one "Trash Island".
Need Jobs First
Recovery in danger as firms, homebuyers cut back. "We can't spent without jobs", many say!
Maybe Just 2.75 Million
More than 3M seniors may have to switch drug plans? No, says planners. Several will do away with themselves before going through that again!
A "Brilliant" Strategy..NOT!
Afghans say U.S. withdrawal timeline 'invigorating' Taliban. "All they had to do is hang on till that date. What military genius thought that one up?"
Spurs Win 6-3 On Aggregate
Harry Redknap says they would have scored more if they were playing on grass!
"Hey Bartender, The Drinks Are On Me!"
VH-1's Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew is fined by the FCC when Dr. Drew belittles two of the celebrities by calling them hopeless hardcore alcoholics.
WARNING: The Flames May Appear To Be Far Away, But Trust Me The SOB's Ain't!
Production on Hell's Kitchen is suspended when one of the rejected chefs angrily burns down the entire kitchen.
The Reason Why The Cameraman On Keeping Up With The Kardashians Was Suspended
The cameraman on the reality show Keeping Up With The Kardashians is suspended on account of 76% of his shots were of the Kardashian sister butts.
The TV Reality Show America's Smartest Model Is Gone and The Interesting Reason Why
VH-1's America's Smartest Model is cancelled when producers learn that there ISN'T one.
An Honest Politician
Sen. Bennet, D-Col, town hall meeting last Saturday, said we had nothing to show for debt incurred by the stimulus package calling the recession the worst since the Great Depression. Most would agree!
Arctic Oil Rush
Fears of Arctic oil rush as 'oil-bearing sand' discovered off the coast of Greenland. We have some of that in Florida.
Britain will be forced to borrow U.S. jets to fly from our new aircraft carriers as cutbacks bite. Hundreds of WWII Fly Boy Heroes Turn Over In Their Graves!
90-Year-Old Too Healthy
Lorna Clow was given a week's notice to leave after the health service decided she was no longer eligible for funding because she was too healthy. "What about NHS being too stupid", she asks.
W/H Equeals Ratio Of 0.7
New Zealand anthropologist Barnaby Dixson found the same formula for what men favored in women came up almost every single time: a waist-to-hip ratio of 0.7. What a nerd!
The 10,000 Year-Old-Boy!
The 10,000-year-old boy's bones found in an underwater Mexican cave that could rewrite the history of the Americas. Experts say "dad" may have been 20,000 year's old!
No Very Bright?
Please forgive me, says woman bank worker facing death threats for shoving cat in a wheelie bin. "I should have used a dog."
So We'll Act Accordingly
Commons expenses staff reduced to tears as MPs described new system as an 'abortion' and called them 'monkeys'. "They come near me, I'll hit them in the face with a handful of shit!"
From the front page of the Milton Keynes Mercury...
In Milton Keynes today, a greengrocer attacked a thief with a price labeling gun. The police are now looking for a man with a price on his head.
Water Key To Weight Loss
Water the key to weight loss say experts. "If you're really pissed at your weight, it can help!"
New Troops Sent To Iraq
Troops still deploying to Mideast from back in America! We were told last of troops were leaving a few days ago!
Et Tu, Letterman?
LETTERMAN TURNS: Obama have plenty of time for vacations after his one term'. Limbaugh sore at Letterman grabbing one of his lines.
French President Nicolas Sarkozy was thrown into a wheelie bin by a little old lady with blue hair this morning. Former guards caught looking a sexy lady walking by on other street.
Texts Really Important
ADDICTED: Average Teen Sends 3,000 Texts A Month; Experts Compare To Drugs. "I just pooted a little while on the commode."
After a meeting with Hillary about a nuclear-armed Iran, President Barack Obama has announced "Peace In Our Time!"
Bolton Upset Over Iran
Bolton: Obama & Hillary 'talk' while Iran arms for nuclear war. Hillary objects. "We also whistle in the dark."
Dragon's Den humiliation for Calendar Company
A novelty calendar company failed to secure any offer of funding in this week's BBC programme. Duncan Bannatyne summed up the mood of the Dragons. 'Calendars, their days are numbered.....I'm out!'
Police Avoiding Some Calls #2
UPDATE: Cutbacks force police to curtail calls for some crimes. "But is he normally good at shooting a weapon?"
Police Avoiding Some Calls
UPDATE: Cutbacks force police to curtail calls for some crimes. "But just how hard is he hitting you, Mam?"
New Low In Housing
New Home Sales Sink to Lowest Pace on Record. Carpenters, etc either changes professions or doing repair work.
Wait Till It Does
After Tuesday's existing home sales plunge, have we finally hit bottom? "No!", say experts. All this happened WITHOUT being hit by terrorists here.
BIDEN: 'We're moving in right direction, wherever that may be.'
Lohan Released Early #2
Lindsay Lohan has been released from rehab early as she was at the jail. "This young lady has learned her lesson", giggles her attorney.
Lohan Released Early
Lindsay Lohan released early from rehab as she was from jail. And people say there is no justice in America!
Camerons' confirm Cornish name for daughter.
After the premature and unexpected birth in Cornwall yesterday, David and Sarah Cameron have honoured their promise to give their newborn daughter a Cornish name...Pasty Cameron!
North Pole Wars?
Fighter jets scrambled to intercept two Russian bombers in the Arctic as they approached Canadian airspace before an Arctic visit from Canada's prime minister. PM: We'll defend rights to the N. Pole!
Alex Reid threatens to leave Katie Price?
'Get your tits out in public again and I'll walk', threatens Reid.
We think he's got one letter wrong!
i-phone 'sex-toy' launched
Apple have today launched a combination iphone/vibrator which will be marketed as the iphone 4g-spot.
Bullet In Head Discovered 5 Years Later
Man, shot in head, notices five years later. "Never was really bright", says mother.
New Steinbrenner Monument
Steinbrenner monument at Yankee Stadium set. Shows him firing Billy Martin!
One Reason We Fly!
ACLU questions 'enhanced patdown' of air travelers. Old lady & gentlemen fliers tell ACLU to mind their own business.
Paddleboats In Philly
Paddleboat cruises coming to Philly waterfront. Lots of S&M couples already have tickets.
Tainted Eggs From 2 Farms Only?
Taint no evidence that tainted eggs go beyond 2 farms. Still no cause for egg contamination.
New ER Info!
Headed to ER? Some post waits by text, billboard, electronic outside hospitals.
Eggs Safety Concerns
Are the eggs sold at my supermarket safe to eat, throw at political candidates?
Mouse Virus Linked To Chronic Fa.. Whatever!
Mouse virus link to chronic fatigue is studied. "Perhaps your mouse should be inside a plastic bag?"
Toe Tappers Main Feature
State AGs: Craigslist should drop adult services. Larry Craigslist also condemned.
State AGs: Craigslist should drop adult services as 10,000 pimps now out of work.
The Widget Has Too Many Whatsits!
Oil rises slightly as "economic data tempers gains". Oil companies say they have over 1,000 other excuses for the future.
More than 3M seniors may have to switch drug plans. Attorneys rubbing their hands with glee over explaining it all again!
Some Still Struggling To Understand Presnt One
More than 3M seniors may have to switch drug plans, like it or not.
Nazi Papers In National Archives
National Archives to house infamous Nazi papers. One surprise, Hitler sometimes wore red wig and called himself Greta!
Another Quayle On The Way
Dan Quayle's son wins congressional primary. "They have just announced me the winner, Dad!"
Hasselbeck Endorses Gay Rights
Hasselbeck supports gay marriage, calls Obama a 'cool guy', shits his pants, passes out.
Long-Standing Trash Woes!
Honolulu's long-standing trash woes growing worse as officials do not know how much longer it can stand.
Microbes Eating Oil
New microbe discovered eating oil spill in Gulf. Some former fishermen may turn to catching microbes in the water.
US May Collect Some For Selling
New microbe discovered eating oil spill in Gulf. Could be used to eat sun tan oil in family pools.
Iran Happy To Be Back Into News
Iran says it test-fires new missile. Not in the news for two days. "Could carry biological weapons."
Gov. Never Satisfied
Credit card debt drops to lowest level in 8 years. One good sign ruined by Government wanting people to spend more.
Another Lohan Hearing
Lohan case due in court for next-step hearing. Look for another sideshow.
Go With The Flow
Study: Sloth and Gluttony Hard to Shake Even For the Healthy! So Why Try?
Old Trading Post Discovered
Egypt discovers 3,500-year-old oasis trading post. Owner tells them business has been slow since WWII.
3500-Year-Old Trading Post
Egypt discovers 3,500-year-old oasis trading post. Old post cards still being sold.
Even Chili Tastes Good!
2 days of food stretched more than 2 weeks in mine is how Chile's miners survived. Now they have food but a long wait.
Taliban Gas Girl Students
Afghan girls fall ill after apparent gas poisoning. Taliban doesn't want women educated. What ever happened to the women support groups? Complete silence?
Taliban Using Gas?
Afghan girls fall ill after apparent gas poisoning by Taliban, known for special treatment of women.
Government Can Track Your Movements
The Government's New Right to Track Your Every Move With GPS! Combined with Google, Big Brother Is Here!
Hasselbeck Hurting Democrats
Hasselbeck supports gay marriage, calls Obama a 'cool guy'. "Where's he from, Kenya?"
Hasselbeck Support Will Cost Votes!
Hasselbeck supports gay marriage, calls Obama a 'cool guy'. This is the worse news yet for Democrats in November.
OK, Until One Exploded
Honolulu's long-standing trash woes growing worse. Wondering how it would do dumped into volcanoes.
Trash In Hawaii
Honolulu's long-standing trash woes growing worse. Sending it out on ships hoping Somali pirates will raid it.
Eat 'Em Up!
New microbe discovered eating oil spill in Gulf. Terrorists looking into dropping them in Saudi Oil fields.
Gators Traveling North #3
Experts: Gators in northern waters probably pets. But when the reach ten feet long, they load them up while kid is at school and take them to nearby lakes.
Gators Traveling North #2
Experts: Gators in northern waters probably pets but many say they are escaping oil in the Gulf swamps, their natural habitat.
Gators Traveling North
Experts: Gators in northern waters probably pets. But Al Gore says it's global warming.
Kim Asks Him To Kneel
Carter lands in Pyongyang, cleans it off his shoes, and goes to bring home American.
Who Is Next Senator Of Alaska?
Alaska GOP Sen. Murkowski on jeopardy! I'm sorry, that should be IN jeopardy.
DEA be hiring Ebonics translators
The agency be serious than a motherf**ker: They gots to get nine peeps to translate conversations picked up on the D.L. during investigations, Special Agent Bizzle Snizzle shouted out Tuesday.
Like father, like son?
Former VP Dan Quayle's son Ben wins Republican nomination in Arizona's 3rd Congressional District on Tuesday. Not to worry - they're nothing alike. It's like comparing a potatoe to a tomatoe.
In the latest grim news for Obama's Democrats, 72 percent of people said they were very worried about joblessness & 67% were very concerned about government spending & 10% think they have bedbugs!
Nightly News Propaganda!
What Recovery? Home Sales Plunge 27 Percent to 15-Year Low! What Last Of Troops Leaving Iraq When 50,000 Still There? Nightly News Bought Off?
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