Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 24 August 2010
Now Let's See, It's The Red One!
A butterfingered employee at the Smokey Mountain Knifeworks hit the wrong wire and blew the place up this morning. No one seriously hurt. Lots of cuts and cutting remarks about Nutjob!
Over 75 Can Ruin Your Meal!
After losing many readers the AARP promise that they will no longer have a nude centerfold.
More Nixon Tapes
Nixon considered the use of an A-Bomb, tapes reveal, but Democrats moved their convention at the last minute!
Parents of obese children may have to build their own special desks due to school cutbacks.
Mother Of All Traffic Jams
China's massive traffic jam could last for weeks with over 2,000 fender-benders.
Just Like Nazi War Camps!
According to an interview with the Supreme Grand Wizard, the KKK, President Obama doesn't exist.
New Free Book
To encourage kids to read, every child in America will get a copy of the new free book, "What Can Obama Give To YOU?"
Didn't Want To Share Woods
Former president George W. Bush mad an unexpected visit to the woods while cutting brush on Crawford ranch, run out of woods in his shorts & covered with bear shit.
They're Lean & Mean
Government imposes 3-hour limit on tarmac stranding, and a complete set of exercises before reboarding!
Sherrod Won't Return
Shirley Sherrod, ousted from the Ag Dept. during a racial firestorm that embarrassed the Obama administration, rejected an offer to return to the USDA on Tuesday. Source: "I think she plans to sue."
Bad June Report
The 27.2% slide from June is much worse than expected, dragging down markets and casting new doubt on the..reason why we should live...oh let's go blow our brains out!
Obamas At "The Sweet Life"
La Dolce Vita: Obama dines at 'The Sweet Life' in downtown Oak Bluffs. "Wish I could take you welfare people with me but you know how it is."
At Least Stallone Has Guts!
US admits human rights shortcomings in UN report. Sylvester Stallone: America Apologizes Too Much.
Depression Not Recession
The US economy is in a 1930s-style Depression, Gluskin Sheff economist David Rosenberg said Tuesday. Everyone trying to make it look better than it is. They did that in the 1930's depression also.
Cutting None Essentials
Consumers Dropping Pay TV Services. Most go to computers, talk radio.
Merkel To Tax Wealthy More?
Merkel under pressure to raise tax for rich Germans. Rich Germans eyeballing Central America.
Cash-strapped NY starts enforcing sales tax on sliced bagels. Shops switch to unsliced bagels with plastic fork.
Pot Helping Budget
Colorado gov. says pot fees helping budget deficit, buy us more rollers.
Rangel Shoots Back At Obama Remark!
Rep. Charles Rangel has shot back at President Obama's recent comment that he "end his career with dignity." "Kiss my dignified ass, Mr. President."
Hey Joe, Look At This One!
Full-Body Scan Deployed In Street-Roving Vans. So wear your best undies when you go out.
Software Predicts Criminals
Software Predicts 'Criminal Behavior! Goes off every time a politician walks by.
Who's In Charge Of The Madhouse?
HOME SALES PLUMMET TO RECORD LOW! Meat and Eggs gone bad! Oil still in the spill. General blames Obama date setting for Taliban holdout. Obama still on the golf course!
Conway: Gonna Fire Me Too?
The top U.S. Marine general in Afghanistan said President Barack Obama's announced July 2011 deadline to start withdrawing troops from the country had given "sustenance" to the Taliban.
Nationwide meat recall announced for WAL-MART. More eggs recalled. So if you had bacon & eggs for breakfast, you're pretty well screwed.
Serial pussy-binner caught on CCTV binning a pussy!
A series of cruel animal crimes has been solved in the UK, a 50 year-old female, serial pussy binner was caught on CCTV binning a pussy and it certainly wasn't purring between her legs!
Tiger Wood's 'dick' worth $10 million per inch!
Tigers divorce is the most expensive uncontrollable "dick" case ever recorded! The judge offered ex-wife Elin $10 million per inch, making $100 million in total, who'd be a Negro!
Look For A Raid Soon
Because of harsh treatment, Taliban down to 14 wives.
May Hear Obama From The roof
Muslims to build a mosque on the White House Rose Garden!
Priest suspended after walking out on wife and two children to start new life with secretary at nudist colony.
DNA tests reveal 'Hitler was descended from the Jews and Africans he hated'. Also, that he was 10% hyena, 5% jackass!
What Do You Mean By 'Return'?
Britain at 'significant' risk of a return to recession, warns Bank of England expert. Many average Britons wonder when the other one ended.
We Licked Your Butt Before
The Soviet pullout from Afghanistan was a humiliating defeat, but now Russia, worried about the flow of terror & heroin, is being encouraged to return by the U.S. Meanwhile Taliban say "Come on down!"
Too Expensive Here
Woody Allen says he began shooting movies in European cities because he couldn't afford to do it any more in New York. "Plus in some countries I can have more teenage wives."
Troops Continue To Withdraw After Withdrawal!
Number of US troops in Iraq falls below 50,000, number of 'advisers' below 100,000.
Sounds Like It's True
Many leading economists say that history is repeating itself. Many leading economists say that history is repeating itself.
Hendrix In London
Exhibition looks at Jimi Hendrix's London years. But first, are you experienced?
Be sure to tune in this weekend when two major boxing heavyweights will beat each other to death over a "Purse".
Tiger Woods to Lose Half His Ethnicity in Divorce Settlement
In addition to a $750m divorce settlement; Tiger Woods has confirmed he will also have to give up 1/2 of his ethnicity to his former wife. Whether that's the black or asian side - we're not yet sure
Good News For Omelet Eaters
FDA: Taint no evidence that tainted eggs go beyond 2 farms!
Carter In NKorea
AP sources: Carter to NKorea to free American, discus deep meanings of "Roger Rabbit" with Kim!
Obamas Planning Next Vacation
Despite Martha's Vineyard deluge, Obamas dine out. "We are happy to be here among our people, the rich."
Smuggled Cell Phones
States use K-9s to search for smuggled cell phones. "May even have to bring the dogs in", says officer Gump.
Like Tea Party!
Those who plan to stop mosque building at Ground Zero now call themselves "The Mosqueteers!"
Mosque Furor Continues
Supporters: Church ignored in NYC mosque furor as it has never been restored since disaster.
Still Bigger Turnout Than In US
Afghan vote runs up against fear, disenchantment, weapons.
May Take A Year Or Two For All To Leave
Number of US troops in Iraq falls below 50,000! Only 49,997 there now.
Flooding Effects To Last A Long Time
Pakistan president: Flood recovery will take years. So will China's ten day traffic jam, apparently.
Certainly Coudn't Be Oil, That's Disappeared
Thousands of dead fish reported at mouth of Mississippi River, "The Nation's Colon!"
"Man Gets Out To Stretch, Loses Car Location
China's ten-day traffic jam stretches 150km. Pizza boys, hookers deliver.
Come On Over!
Hurricane Danielle becomes Category 2 storm as Weather Channel and Cabel, Network News try to lure it in.
Big Labor Vs Big Business Vs Hollywood Vs Big Oil!
"Establishment vs. outsiders in primaries! Those IN office versus those that are NOT in office", say experts.
Establishment vs. outsiders in primaries! The first time that's happened since the last election.
Packs A Mean Broom Handle
Woman tells police she hit man with a broom to defend herself! "Didn't mean to female him", says Detroit mother of five.
Work For Tips?
Groundskeeper Club still on duty. Just in case someone who can still afford to play golf shows up.
Isn't It Always The Big Juan?
Mexican police arrest drug dealers but allows Big Juan to get away!
Thanks Supporters Like Big Juan
Mexico's newest icon: 22-year-old Miss Universe! Wants world peace. Thanks Big Juan & Drug Cartel!
Only Way To Live With A Kennedy
RFK Jr.'s wife faces new impaired-driving charge before she comes to trial over the one last month.
RFK Jr.'s Wife Arrested Again
RFK Jr.'s wife faces new impaired-driving charge. Trying to set a record for Kennedy-wife drinking bouts?
This One Is Only 5 Days Old
Floods halt shipping at China's Three Gorges dam. Now it's a shipping jam.
Judge Blocks Obama
Why a judge blocked Obama's expansion of stem-cell research. "He has to get used to that after November."
Blocking Obama Efforts
Why a judge blocked Obama's expansion of stem-cell research. "Thinks he's hot shit!"
Why a judge blocked Obama's expansion of stem-cell research. He's pissed over constant vacations.
Maybe It Is Adams Work
Ansel Adams trust sues over garage sale negatives after denying that it was Adams work.
That Oil Isn't Gone!
Thousands of dead fish reported at mouth of Mississippi. Could it be from spilled oil or mass suicide?
New Shingles Vaccine
Glaxo starts final clinical trial of shingles prevention vaccine, jumping off roofs.
Special Treatments Over (We Bet)
Ind. ruling halts caregiver choices based on race, wealth as a little tip turned in with paperwork at emergency room.
Ten Day Traffic Jam
China's nine-day traffic jam stretches 100km and growing. Many have left their vehicles and walked home as buses jammed also.
Five years after Katrina, New Orleans jazz gets back its swing and quits dragging it's ass.
Who Will Purchase The Right To Serve?
It's the political establishment vs. the outsiders in Tuesday's primaries. New money against old.
Chilean miners trapped until Xmas
The rescue effort to free Chilean miners is likely to take 4months: President Sebastian Pinera has said that the number 1 priority is to drill a hole big enough for a christmas tree to be sent down.
Michael Jackson - Latest News
He's still dead.
Trapped Chilean miners "typo", it's ministers
rescue efforts redoubled.
UK Bans Internet Porn
Every man in the country leaves.
Obama administration meets Iraq troop removal deadline.
The administration declared all combat troops have been removed from Iraq via language control. Combat terms such as "Striker Brigade" and "25th ID" have been replaced with advise and assist brigade.
New Bond movie: Peter Mandelson accepts role of Blofeld with one proviso
'No pussy-stroking'. More soon...
Rowan Williams urges CofE anti-gay dissidents to 'sing from the same him-sheet'
Aussie psychic crocodile Dirty Harry eats retired psychic octopus Paul
'He didn't see that coming' says devastated German Aquarium owner.
Court hears that faulty lie-detector gave suspect 'huge' electric shock
'Guilty, as charged.' says judge.
For reform, but not reformed
President Obama asks US doctors to support health care reform legislation passed in March. Doctors: "Okay, but does that mean we have to sell our stock holdings in Mickey D's and Winston-Salem?"
Sweet on tea
Researchers say it only takes one cup of home brewed tea to get the health benefits of 20 bottles of commercial tea. Americans say, "Yeah, but then you wouldn't get those extra 5 cups of sugar!"
"Put the f**king contact lenses in the basket!"
Johnson-Johnson recalls ActiView contacts after customers complain of stinging and pain when inserting the lenses. "It places the contact lenses in the basket, next to the lotion."
The spice of life
Thirty-three trapped Chilean miners start receiving food, water. Rescue workers receive message sent up through drill hole: "Hey! We're from Chile! Don't you have any hot sauce?? Send more peppers!!"
Look on the sunny side
Expanding egg recall has farmers, grocers, short order cooks, and consumers walking on eggshells. On the other hand, recent study shows poaching in the U.S. down nearly 75%.
Court halts president's stem cell expansion
Federal judge in Washington temporarily blocks Obama's efforts to expand stem cell research. Unable to finish work on Presidential clone, Obama now likely forced to complete term.
Jimmy Carter off to North Korea to secure release of detained American
Carter hoping he has better luck than he did in 1979-1981 Iran Hostage Crisis, when he failed for 444 days to secure release of 52 detained Americans. This time, he only has to worry about one.
FDA chief says "we need more resources." The 9.7% of Americans who are unemployed say "we need more private sector jobs!"
VP Biden Won't Bet
VP Biden predicts the Democrats will retain control of the House and Senate, but won't bet on it! Some Republican odds makers call such a wager a sucker bet for the Democrats!
A hazmat unit was called to the US Capitol after a foul odor was detected. As the Democratic controlled Congress is on vacation, it turned out to only be some contaminated eggs left in a refrigerator!
Another Shoe Bomber
Iran's unmanned bomber (Ambassador of Death) flies over Baghdad Iraq, throwing only shoes as a good will gesture to the Iraqis!
But it's Green
Classes began at the new Barack Obama Elementary School, an environmentally friendly "green" school. However, there are larger class sizes at the school because of teacher cutbacks.
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