Spoof news snippets from Monday 23 August 2010
Well, Chicken Shit!
Chinese hackers hit KFC restaurant headquarters again, trying to download secret ingredients & spices. First time the company included a strong laxative for 11th ingredient.
Chimps In Mirrors
Study: Chimpanzees can identify themselves in the mirror! Many ask if their lips are too big.
PLO Motives Questioned
Israel says that it's all well and good for PLO to promise to blow rocks into pebbles but WHERE are their slingshots.
PLO Promises Rocks Into Pebbles.
PLO says that (in talks with Israel), Iran and Israel need to blow up nuclear weapons and they will do the same to huge pile of rocks.
Meteorite pushes back age of solar system nearly 2 million years
Kansas school board denies existence of evidence, pushes education standards of state's schools back nearly 2 million years.
Report: Chimps used simple tools Six Million Years Ago! Some used in military to hurl up to ten pounds of shit!
Cold Case Rascals
Robert Blake confesses to killing Alfalfa in 1945 after fight over Darla. Buckwheat was right.
Putin Proclaims Innocense
Vladimir "Ras" Putin said today that he did not have anything to do with the poisoning of the writer two years ago.
No More Pot Raids!
Some Mass. towns give up on marijuana enforcement. They're growing it faster than we can find it and burn it up.
Nine Day Wonder
China's nine-day traffic jam stretches 100km. Three drivers already starved to death.
Somebody Call Guinness!
China's nine-day traffic jam stretches 100km. "Hello boss, I be in by Christmas."
9-Day Traffic Jam
China's nine-day traffic jam stretches 100km. Lady in front braked for a squirrel!
Nine Day Jam!
China's nine-day traffic jam stretches 100km. Especially pissed at old guy in front with left turn signal still on.
Talk About Traffic!
China's nine-day traffic jam stretches 100km. Nine day jam makes it hard to keep factories going.
Pentagon Sending Mixed Messages On Afghanistan? This hasn't happened since..last week!
Tiger Woods, wife officially divorce. They unofficially divorced six months ago!
Guidelines Got Faces?
A U.S. district court issued a preliminary injunction on Monday stopping federal funding of human embryonic stem cell research, a slap to the Obama administration's new guidelines face!
Croc On The Loose
Crocodile caught roaming streets of New York City, feasting on big rats!
Hillary In 2012?
PAPER: Does Obama want to be re-elected in 2012? He's certainly not acting like it.
Fight For Novembers Starts Early
Obama 'personally told the Muslims that he is a Muslim,' Iowa Republican says. Heard it through the grapevine.
My Friends Al-Qaida Better!
Ground Zero Imam Says U.S. Worse than al Qaeda! And he should know!
Two Signed On!
Only 2 People In NJ Sign Up For New Obama-care Plan? President hoping for a few more.
Otherwise Doing Well
Patient in US hospital doing well using baboon heart but ass has turned red as a beet, plays with himself all the time.
Another Missing Link
Study seeks link to why there are more deaths today than ever, yet we have the most people on the earth ever.
Drinking Age Lower?
New proposals launched to lower drinking age to 18. If you can
serve in the army and vote, you should be allowed to kill yourself in a wrecked car.
Chinese #4 Down & Out
Chinese leaders get rid of fourth in line for Chairman over not being inscrutable enough!
Devious Chinese Plot
Rush Limbaugh: We've gotten so much lead from Chinese products that it's gone to our asses!
President Obama asks congress not to leave all at once this November or it'll make us look bad.
Gardener: You Want Me To Sign Where?
White House Chef, Barber, Gardener, Dog Walker Resign! Tired of running White House while Obamas always on vacation.
Phelps Test Complete
Michael Phelps tests show that he has some DNA the same as dolphins!
Boomer Still Loaded But Not Busted
Baby Boomers still getting high but nowadays, it's from legal marijuana, drugs.
Mafia An Alternative
Blackwater organization admit that they were an assassination group hired by the CIA. Democrats shout that they should have had to bid on that.
President's Working Vacation
President Obama and family on sixth vacation in Martha's Vineyard, say it's a working vacation. "See if the oil spill has come this for North."
Robots Questioning Humans
Japanese robots want to know why they have to die just because humans destroy the world.
Future Looks Bad
Time traveler from 2015 tells everyone that his machine needs petro and that in 2015, they're having their sixth recession.
Obama Nominated Again
President Obama nominated for another Nobel Peace Prize for separating two golfers at Martha's Vineyard fighting over who won the bet.
Another Mission Of Mercy
Obama family say they are on Martha's Vineyard vacation to cheer up an old friend who recently lost her mind.
Sleep In A Classic
German Hotel lets guests sleep in classic cars, with plenty of condoms in the glove compartment!
New Tests For Suicidal People?
New tests show if you are suicidal. Most say that you probably are suffering from clinical depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, postpartum depression, no luck with women..oh, hand him a gun.
A Close One!
California Race: Whitman's $100 Million vs. Brown's $10 Million and Ouija Board!
Have You Lost a Wallet?
A lady by the name of Miss Helen Hunt has found a man's wallet.
If any man out there has lost a wallet, he can go to Helen Hunt for it.
Headed Back Another Way
Carnivore Cruise Lines ship runs into huge oil spill. Sits and spins for 22 hours before moving again. Oil smell sickens over 400 passengers!
Europe Collapses Completely
Wall Street extremely jittery after Chinese Premiere farts!
Killing Themselves to Get in
The Hare Krishna movement have opened a new Cash and Carry warehouse in Birmingham today. It is to be called Hare Karry and people are just killing themselves to have a look!
It's Worse Than That
One out of every four Americans think President Obama is a Muslim. Apparently, nearly 60% now believe he's a jackass!
Iraq Forces Still There
REPORT: Combat brigades remain in Iraq under different name. Now called advisers. "Sounds familiar", say John Kerry.
Gary Neville Begs Joey Barton NOT to shave his moustache
Gary Neville today issued a heartfelt plea to Joey Barton to NOT shave off his moustache. Neville stated "it's a tragedy; I've never been able to grow a manly one like his myself so he should keep it"
Startling Wayne Rooney Admission: "I'm homophobic"
Rooney staggered millions of gay Manchester United fans today (basically, all Man Utd fans) by telling a popular women's magazine "I'm terrified of me own home, I have to have the light on in bed"
NYC store has bedbug-hunting beagle - just in case. Pakistani cab driver guarantees $4000 price was a bargain. Then never seen again.
China Breaking Records
More than 10,000 Chinese set human domino record. Going for Chinese Checkers record next!
Chinese Domino Record
More than 10,000 Chinese set human domino record! First man getting into position three weeks ago starves to death.
Creepy House Moving Sale
The present owners are having a moving sale at Amityville horror house. Anyone needing noisemakers, creepy cds or hologram projector, let us know.
No Greased Pigs This Year!
Greased Pig Contest canceled after pigs disappear overnight at the Warren County Fair. Police questioning barbecued pork booth.
No Good Way Out!
Aid says President Obama told that the situation in settling Afghanistan war is almost impossible and nearing the stage of the Israeli-Arab conflict in the Middle East!
Bush Library Ready
George W. Bush Library in Dallas almost completed. Dick Cheney will be down from Wyoming to participate by having a $5 donation kissing booth.
White Population Down!
Study states that white Americans' majority will end by mid-century, unless they get to reproducing. Mormons holding their own!
July wholesale inflation down a bit more than expected as average person lost one full pound. Experts blame the hot, humid weather.
Zap That Potato
The electric potato: How zapping a spud 'could make it a healthy food' Potatoes using eyes to wink at consumers.
UK Families Face High Costs Of Working
UK families face highest costs for childcare: Average weekly nursery bill is £160 Many are asking, "Why work?"
PLO/Israeli Talks Off To Bang-Up Beginning
Palestinians: No talks if settlement freeze ends. Israel: No talks unless we show up!
Brad Pitt On A Rant!
Brad Pitt is 'willing to look at the death penalty' in bizarre rant against BP! Also bad movie movie makers.
Bloggers Charged $300 Fee In Philly
Philly requiring bloggers to pay $300 for 'license'. Many slipping away to other parts of the state, other states, including students.
New Miss Universe To Be Crowned
83 global beauty queens seek Miss Universe title including two Ferengi women that don't have a chance, unless enough gold-pressed latium handed around.
Where Are The Women Leaders?
With the way many muslim women are treated like slaves and property in the Middle East, where are the Women Equal Rights Leaders of 1960-2000?
Sounds Innocent Enough
UK official decries video game with Taliban role of killing UN forces.
Oil hovers below $74, the surface of the Gulf Coast area, amid growth uncertainty.
President At Martha's Vineyard
Low-key vacation for president on Vineyard. "This is vacation #6, Shhhhh!"
President At Martha's Vineyard
Low-key vacation for president on Vineyard. Photographers & reporters limited to 1,000.
Bears Seeking Revenge
Watch out for Yellowstone bears - they're hungry! Plus they're upset about the chained bears being shot in South Carolina.
Rain Everywhere But On Reservations
Rain batters China; 250,000 evacuated in flood as the whole world agrees that "Those Indians can stop dancing now!"
Peace In Our Time
Gunshots heard from hostage bus in Philippines. Also heard in buildings in every other country in the world.
"I Will Survive!"
McCain turns vulnerable label into front-runner. "You learn a few things as a POW", says McCain.
Why Not Move It A Block Over?
Rallies over mosque near ground zero get heated. Rallies over placement of Dome of the Rock Mosque in Israel still heated.
FDA Wants More Authority
FDA commissioner says agency needs more authority, joining about 100 other agencies wanting to control our lives.
Build Mosque Elsewhere Not Considered?
Rallies over mosque near ground zero get heated just in time for the fall elections.
Sitting Bears & Ducks
Group wants to end setting dogs on chained bears, President Obama attacking chained Economy.
Stolen Painting Back At Museum
Painting stolen by Nazis back in Austrian museum. "But we keep the others in Brazil for awhile!"
He-Man Hunters #2
Group wants to end setting dogs on chained bears. Also all zoo hunting expeditions.
Real He-Man Hunters
Group wants to end setting dogs on chained bears so they will stand and be shot. Also, shooting big fish in a barrel.
Conditions Before Having Talks
PLO leader warned President Barack Obama that he will pull out of upcoming peace talks if Israel ends a slowdown on West Bank construction. Israeli leader calls Moshe & tells him to hold off a bit.
We're Stronger, We'll Take Control
Soaring Teen Unemployment Could Have Lifetime Effects! Especially the victims they rob after finding out what they did with the world's economy.
Bank Of Ned
HSBC in talks for $6.8B majority stake in Nedbank! TheSpoof offers $10 to anyone who knows what in the world that headline is about. Has Ned got his own bank?
Pope To Visit England #3
No musical instruments please, Vatican asks Britons. Old Beatles music especially as Pope Benedict says he can't bless people while 'getting down'.
Pope Visit To England #2
No musical instruments please, Vatican asks Britons, especially those horrible vuvuzelas.
Pope To Visit England
No musical instruments please, Vatican asks Britons. Especially no punk rock or rappers.
No Music Please
No musical instruments please, Vatican asks Britons. "Especially that band on 'The Last Of The Summer Wine.'
Porn In Iraq
Protests in Iraq where Larry Flynt plans to build porn building where mosque once stood.
Porn In The USA/Iraq
In porn, a story of Iraq's politics! Something that will cause the Taliban to triple in numbers overnight.
Porn In Iraq.
In porn, a story of Iraq's politics! US fought hard for Iraq to have the freedom of showing naked women.
Kudzu For Cocaine Addiction.
Kudzu extract may treat cocaine addiction: study. "Plus if you get high on Kudzu, you have it made. One plant can double in size overnight.
Taking Over Parts Of Georgia!
Kudzu extract may treat cocaine addiction: study. "And there's more kudzu every day in the South."
Iran's New Bomber #3
Iran inaugurates nation's first unmanned bomber. The United Nations movies to shake it's finger at them.
Iran's New Bomber #2
Iran inaugurates nation's first unmanned bomber with banner "You live because we let you live!" as a greeting.
Iran's New Bomber
Iran inaugurates nation's first unmanned bomber and sends it flying over most oil-rich nations as a warning of who's now in charge.
LA's Most Expensive School
LA unveils $578M school, costliest in the nation. Schwarzenegger to travel to Washington to ask for bailout.
LA's New School
LA unveils $578M school, costliest in the nation. Although it will cost others to shut down according to the Governor.
Mexico hang their dead bodies from bridges. muy bien!
Mexico have discovered a new way of solving the problems of over-filled graveyards, they are now hanging dead bodies from drug dealers from bridges embalmed in poppy essences, si claro esta bien!
CIA prostitutes befuddled
"Wikileaks founder Julian Assange hasn't fallen yet for our advances," said one perplexed hooker. "It's almost like he knows we're trying to set him up for a sex tape..."
The Ears Have It
Egyptian police find missing painting of Van Gogh. However, it was a phony as the right ear was missing and the painter had cut off his left ear!
Out of Sight
Focus groups of Democratic left liberals have determined that if Republicans gain control of Congress, President Obama and VP Biden should take more vacations.
New Credit Card Rules
Credit card consumer protections go into effect today. Unfortunately they don't apply to Pres. Obama & the liberal Democrats, who continue to run up deficits for our grandchildren with Chinese banks!
Here's to the Queen
Lady Gaga and Britney Spears battle to be queen of twit, oops that should be queen of twitter!
Bama Number 1
"Boma" number 1, oops, that should have been "Bama" number 1." The Alabama Crimson Tide in college football preseason!
US military forces prepare for an assault next month into the birthplace of the Taliban. Both Congressional Republicans and Democrats agree that the Taliban need "a late term abortion!"
He's got the Runs
Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich could run for political office if federal prosecutors fail to convict him at a new trial. Several towns in Alaska are looking for Grizzly Bear Wardens in 2012!
Obama to visit King Abdullah in Saudi Arabia
The president will try to persuade the king to allow a Jewish, Christian, Buddhist and Hindu cultural center to be built in Mecca in trade for the Mosque at "Ground Zero" in NYC.
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