Spoof news snippets from Sunday 22 August 2010
Redheads Erratic But Healthy
A new study shows that although blonds do have more fun, they pay for it later in life because of all the social diseases.
Vegan Out Of Here!
Vegan kicked out of national organization after being caught eating animal crackers!
Dressing Changes It's Name
New Thousand Island Lite salad dressing changes it's name to Five Hundred Island Dressing.
Bedbugs attack Time Square, Diane Sawyer slaps her way through the Evening News!
Soldiers Still There, Just Less Protected
First US soldier killed since President Obama's celebrated 'withdrawal'.
Art Thieves Arrested
Man and woman caught with stolen Van Gogh masterpiece say they were simply on vacation and liked to take pictures.
Proud Of Young
Pegleg Abdi's, the Somali pirate says his son, Abdikarim, is planning to follow in his footstep.
Swedes Set Guinness Record
Stockholm, August 22, 2010. Four thousand three hundred and twelve nude Swedes picked their noses while standing on one foot to set new Guinness World Record.
Oil Slick Found
Oil spill slipped up the Mississippi River during the night and has taken over Memphis. Threatens to float Elvis out of the ground if Lisa Marie don't pay up.
Weathermen Keep Missing It!
No big hurricane in three years, big sale on plywood in the South.
Hooked On Oil #5
Study: United States taste for oil has reached the point where we have the shakes so bad we can hardly put in $120 worth of gas without spilling $5 of it.
Hooked On Oil #4
Study: United States taste for oil has reached the point of selling your oldest son, Bee Pee.
Hooked On Oil #3
Study: United States taste for oil has reached the point of where we're offering ten years of back-breaking labor in exchange!
Hooked On Oil #2
Study: United States taste for oil has reached the point of seeing brig glowing neon spiders crawling all over your Hummer!
Daric Rawr goes to bed with Matthew Lush
Internet Celebrities seem to have a thing for each other, first Matthew lush, and then Jeffree Star, and now Matthews hooked up with author Daric Rawr, after their thrilling book collaberation.
Hooked On Oil!
Study: United States taste for oil has reached the point of selling your blood plasma twice a week.
Iran Test-Firing Weapons
Iran test-fires missile loaded down with nuclear weapons, anthrax and biological weapons. UN warns them: "Now Now, Then. That is a no-no!"
But It's A Dry Heat
Ministers meet for informal climate talks. Then come out and tell everybody they're going to hell in a hand basket.
Not Good On Rollovers Either
New Indian car that gets up to 100 miles per gallon totaled after being stepped on by an elephant.
Supply Our Own
US Agriculture report says the the US must become less dependent on foreign oil from the middle east and wind energy from Mexico!
Bill Was Prepared
Recovering from heart surgery, Bill Clinton told reporters that he had always warned the staff at the White House that it could be attacked, telling the ladies especially to keep their heads down.
Pelosi Seems Excited!
Today President Obama issued his new presidential directive on terrorism. He told his staff "no more memos! Tell it all to Nancy Pelosi who will look excited about it, whatever it is."
In California hairdresser apparently couldn't take it anymore and shot the guy who sold Phil Specter his wig.
We All Have To Make Choices
In N.Y., an 16-year-old boy is OK after shooting himself. This kid was in his garage, hitting bullets with a hammer. The dad made him get back in the house and play his Cop-Killer Video Game.
More people affected by recalled eggs than previously thought.
Most men that have gotten sick from the eggs, just thought it was from their wives cooking. One man said, I new it was something else because I didnt get as sick as I usually do from her cooking.
CIA asks Google for help. "Would you please google up Bin Laden for us?"
Nothing Going On Around The World Right Now!
Obama family on vacation again as President plays golf, discusses next vacation with caddy.
Congress Drops To Near Bottom
US Congress polls now show 2% approval, lower than any since the Civil War, and that was by the Confederacy.
US troops unlikely to resume combat duties in Iraq!
What are they going to do if attacked, we might ask!
Still Thousands Of US Troops In Iraq After Withdrawal!
REPORT: Combat brigades remain in Iraq under different name. The president had to follow promise 'on paper'.
Obama Born A Muslim
The Rev. Franklin Graham Says President Obama was 'Born a Muslim', that he was 'Born In The USA' using air guitar.
New research shows that people who are caused "baby-faced" lie to be older than others, but seldom marry because of small heads, etc.
Now We Know
Stephen Hawking: Extraterrestrial life may already be here in the form of Skoob's avatar.
Should Cut Crime Also.
Mexico agrees to house all US prisoners in exchange for immigrants in US now becoming legal citizens. Prisoner's told to develop taste for refried beans, nose for farts.
Toyota Problems Continue
More trouble for Toyota as 500,000 vehicles recalled for radios playing in Japanese.
Bill Into Conservation!
Former President Bill Clinton seen picking up trash on the Gulf Coast!
Hillary To Run Again?
Hilary Clinton tells Green Party that if they will support her if she makes another run for President, she'll wear only hemp pantsuits.
Edwards After Green Party?
John Edwards assures Green Party, says the next time he cheats on his wife, he'll leave the lights off to save energy.
No Formal Peace Process
No formal peace process with the Taliban: Karzai. "Can you imagine those guys in tux and ties?"
Israeli PM: Peace 'difficult but possible' once we're all dead!
Worst Speaker Of The House Yet?
Nancy Pelosi says that the United States needs to start a fund for those widows and orphans of Suicde bombers in Iraq, Afghanistan!
Brain surgeons banned from texting while in operating room.
California Bans Plastic Bags
California bans plastic bags! Cher told she is not longer welcome!
Americans Graves Dug
President Obama says that Iran is not really our enemy, just because their leader has men busy digging our graves.
Hooker say they have not been hit too hard by the economy. We always have plenty of openings", one tells reporter.
We Have Some Openings
Government agency points out that there ar still jobs available in their department that keeps up with the number of jobless in the US.
Most Want Pot
New telephone survey shows that 35% of voters want marijuana legalized. Another 35% too stoned to make sense.
Hospital Speeds Up Care
Study finds hospitals speeding heart attack care. Credits new "Surgeons On Segways" policy.
Accuses Brother Of Wanting Leadership
Second exploding cigar in a week sets Fidel Castro's teeth on edge.
Children For Peace Or Else
The "Children For Peace In The Middle East" say they will crush all that dare to stand before them.
Will Make Crowds Even Bigger!
Ghost of balloonist Fossett sends note that he intends to crash the Macy's Day Parade.
We'll Keep Looking
President Obama, Congress tell BP Oil that they still intend to get to the bottom of things.
Wes Montgomery Enters Hall of Fame!
Wes Montgomery elected to the Elevator Music Hall of Fame!
Concerned Citizens Again
Concerned Citizens want Krispy Kreme donuts to put out low calorie, fat product for policemen. Policemen say they might as well eat a piece of toast at home. Find reasons to arrest Concerned Citizens.
Both Are Concerned
Concerned Citizens want Cracker Jacks to quit carrying prize.
Cracker Jacks calls them Concerned Crackpots.
Rescued From Well
Invisible hand from nowhere came from the long arm of the law according says man rescued from well in Arkansas.
Miss Universe To Wed
Miss Universe announces her engagement to Loggin Brown from Uranus.
Stan Moore's Body Dug Back Up
Police in SF dig up boy of one Stanley Moore as suspicions mount that Moor had been poisoned. Coroner Bill Ferris so far can only say that Moore's condition is "Grave".
Long Arm Of The Law?
Shock for man ordered off flight and arrested by armed police at Heathrow... because of a traffic dispute seven months earlier...ran over a bunny.
Moon Shrinking, Harder To Hit
The Moon, professional athlete's balls are shrinking, say astronomers.
Let's Hit $50 Trillion & Declare Bankruptcy
USA DEBT: $13,310,379,000,000.00 and growing rapidly. Obama asks China for loan the we will "gladly pay you on Tuesday."
Empire Bedbug Building
Bedbugs attack Empire State Building. King Kong using poor Fay Wray to scratch himself.
Private Spaceship Problems
Private spaceship carrier plane damaged in test, privates injured.
Sneaky Old Fart!
Man Arrested For Putting Semen in Female Co-Worker's Water Bottle, toilet bidet. Twelve office workers pregnant.
Taking The Blame?
Forget Bush. Obama now blames poor job situation on Joe Biden, who falls on his tongue.
Another Shopping Spree
VACATION DAY 2: Obama picnic on a private beach, shop for $350,000 worth of trinkets.
Iran Still Mouthing Off!
IRAN: 'Painful' response if attacked. Israel: If there's anyone left to launch it.
Tide Defends Championship
Alabama's Crimson Tide Football team starts where it finished: On a football field.
Amityville Horror House
Moving sale planned at 'Amityville Horror' house, as famous residence moves itself over to vacant lot.
Tai Chi Helps
Tai chi eases fibromyalgia symptoms, study finds. Medical marijuana eases symptoms of everything else.
"Here's To You, Penis Puffer!"
Study: Smoking scenes on the decline in top movies. Reruns of old B&W's have been redone showing Lauren Bacall puffing on a penis.
Are Drugs Real?
Africans text message to check if drugs are real as rhino horn doesn't seem to be working.
Kim On Facebook?
North Korea reportedly joins Facebook as Donald Duck, Goofy, Road Runner show up asking other cartoons to join.
Stranded Whales Saved
NZ rescuers save 9 whales, Kirstie Alley, stranded on the beach.
Lots Of Independents!
Australian parties seek backing of independents, which covers everyone in Australia.
President Obama Does Things
Obamas take a beach lunch on second vacation day. Goes to bathroom five times after five beers, lies in the sun....slow news day.
Chambers Political Pull!
Chambers of Commerce emerges as formidable political force as they say they will look for political candidates that will decrease foreign imports.
Mosque Flap Flop
Mosque flap tests limits of US tolerance, cowardice among leaders.
Golf Clubs Again
US golf clubs in the rough as members drop away. "Ran across two snakes and a drunk in the high grass", complains one.
Peace In The Middle East
Israeli PM: Peace 'impossible and difficult but possible'
Australian parties seek backing of independents. "We're sick of same old party-goes getting sick and heaving on the carpet."
By Same People
Cumberland Trace Elementary School, new principal, getting a face-lift!
White Wins Emmy #2
Betty White scores Emmy win for 'SNL' hosting gig. "At least I didn't fall off the stage like that Aerosmith clod."
Betty White Wins Emmy
Betty White scores Emmy win for 'SNL' hosting gig without dying.
Obama Doesn't Traver Light
Obama doesn't travel light - even on vacation. "He's always on vacation & has doubles of everything", say GOP!
"Camel Milk: It'll Help You To Hump!"
Dubai camel dairy hopes to milk health food market. Say it's especially good with donkey Fazoo.
Popular Milk On The Way
Dubai camel dairy hopes to milk health food market as millions in the US demand their camel milk!
WikiLeaks Founder Denies Charges
WikiLeaks founder rejects sex abuse, cannibalism accusations. "Authorities just sore over recent military leaks."
Other Problems Brewing
Tensions simmer in Spanish enclave in North Africa while everyone is watching Iran, Israel, North Korea.
Michelle Obama portrait debuts at Smithsonian. It shows her on vacation.
New Iranian Bomber
Iran inaugurates nation's first unmanned bomber. Oil producers Kuwait and Saudi Arabia wet themselves.
Iran Launches Bomber
Iran inaugurates nation's first unmanned bomber. Claims it is for peaceful purposes.
Golf Clubs #5
US golf clubs in the rough as members drop away. "We're having to putt through sage grass", complains one die-hard.
El Paso Shootout
1 dead in Mexico shootout on border with El Paso, believed to be a man named Marty Robbins.
Golf Clubs #4
US golf clubs in the rough as members drop away. "The water hazards are full of divers after free golf balls", says laid off caddy.
Golf Clubs #3
US golf clubs in the rough as members drop away. "Don't even drop in the clubhouse for drinks later", say laid off attendant.
Golf Clubs Hurting #2
US golf clubs in the rough as members drop away. Many US courses looking rough as St Andrews in Scotland.
Golf Clubs Hurting
US golf clubs in the rough as members drop away. "Can't understand it, people preferring food to golf", laments laid off grounds keeper.
A supplier in egg recall has history of violations, especially during The Great Easter Plague of 1899.
Bedbugs Are Now in NY's Empire State Building
The bugs proudly report, "We've overcome our fear of heights."
Is the moon shrinking?
Yes. The moon has been dieting, working out, and spending time on a fat farm.
What does the 'Boro' football team have
What does the 'Boro football team have that Chelsea FC doesn't have?
A place in the First Division,
President Obama is Religious
President Obama is religious as he sees visions and hears voices. These epiphanies are Americans tithing higher taxes, Obama begating more deficit spending and increasing govt. regulations tenfold!
Is President Obama a Muslim?
A survey of the American people indicates 18% believe the president is a Muslim. The other 82% of the American people believe the president is an empty suit!
The President is not a Muslim
President Obama is not a Muslim according to Chicago's Reverend Wright. He says "Obama is actually an orthodox socialist with a tendency to redistribute other people's earned wealth!"
Democrat Liberal Left Hypocrites
President Obama rails against Republicans wanting corporations to have free speech rights during elections. The president forgets Democratic labor unions, trial lawyers & teachers unions propaganda!
EPA Shuts down Michelle's Garden
Anonymous environmentalist complains to the EPA that Michelle Obama's vegetable garden is in the middle of the habitat of an insect on the endangered species list. President Obama fined $3 trillion!
President Obama has authorized the FDA to hire 100,000 chicken inspectors. Each inspector will be assigned a flock of female chickens to inspect for egg related Salmonella, by looking up their arses!
Congress plans to tackle problems of s**t, piss & corruption when they return from vacation. Expect the EPA to issue new s**ty regulations, that piss people off & corrupt small business operations!
Prince Charles (Prince of Wales) calls on people to save water by bathing less. No wonder many people in the UK think the Royal Family smells bad!
New Green Products
Environmentalists are having an orgasm over solar powered vibrators and dildos. Only problem is the products must be used outside in bright sunlight!
For every Democratic liberal far left wing loon there is an equal but opposite Republican conservative far right wing loon.
President Obama asks Congress to pass medical tort reform. The new law would limit doctor's liability in malpractice suits and ban trial lawyer's TV advertising soliciting drug related lawsuits.
What me Worry
NY Democratic Senate candidate is worried about salt in American's food. There is no worry about a lack of food caused by Obama's mismanaged economic policy, 9.7% unemployment & $3 trillion deficit!
The Great Depression of 2011
Great Depression of 2011 is sponsored by President Obama, House Speaker Pelosi & Senate Majority Leader Reid. They are affectionately known to the American people as three ideologically blinded mice!
No Joy in Democrat Land
Well off Democratic liberal left loons discover that letting the Bush tax cuts expire is a bad idea. These loons become taxpayers, who must pay for President Obama's wealth redistribution programs.
You Mean My Taxes will go Up?
Democratic Liberal left loons say "USA is under taxed compared to European countries." If Congress lets the Bush tax cuts expire the loons will say "we are not overjoyed to see our taxes increase!"
I'm From the Government………..
BP oil leak temporarily puts gulf coast seafood & tourist industries out of business, killing jobs. President Obama finishes killing jobs by keeping moratorium on oil drilling until November 2010!
Buddy can you Spare a Dollar
Democratic liberal fund raisers have a problem because President Obama screwed up the economy so bad. They ask the faithful for donations of $3 rather than $5, but the lemmings still don't get it!
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