Spoof news snippets from Saturday 21 August 2010
Congress and the Feds target Roger Clemmons in steroid probe.
Thank God the USAs economic, border, national security, unemployment, crime, tax & infrastructure issues are solved. Now Congress can focus on something more important like prosecuting Roger Clemmons.
More Tha 15 Minutes Over Shoe
Nike has admitted to hiring Iraqi who through soe at President for Super Bowl commercial.
Art Treasure Located
Egyptian police recover stolen Van Gogh painting! "Man & Woman With Penis". Police think thief added woman's penis.
Aussie Vote Too Close To Call?
Australian PM says elections too close to call or that was what he sounded like he was saying.
Iran Filling Second Reactor
Iran begins fueling second nuclear reactor. Official admit that they skipped #1 but that the headlines would look better.
Show What We Could Do!
Sweden withdraws warrant for WikiLeaks founder. "Just a little warning."
Sweden drops warrant for Wikileaks founder
In totally unrelated news, the alleged "rape victims" each received a thank you card from American CIA director Leon Panetta. "We truly appreciate your service to our great nation," he wrote...
Let's Try It Again
Meeting of moderate members of the PLO and Israeli Peace Group ends in shootout.
Mad December Issue (Eat First)
Kirstie Alley to pose nude for centerfold in Mad Magazine.
Moon To Marry Gays?
Rev.(Revolving) Moon states that all gay couples can be in one big ceremony in South Korea next month.
Politics In A Recession
In current economy, $10,000 plate fund raiser are down to only $100. Still few showing up.
Already Apologized To Japanese Americans
The United States offers a limited apology to Japanese. "We may have dropped a bomb or two..."
Best I Can Do
Nebraska man drinks only six glasses of water a day but tries to hold back on his peeing.
Dump Them In The Ocean!
Undercover Democrats, dressed as Indians, sneak into Tea Party rally!
Number 4 & 9 For Your #2!
Total confusion brings the cops as a breakoff Mormon group into trading wives.
No More Conquering The World!
This just in: A Smart Bomb has blown The Brain to bits. Pinky is devastated.
May Be Losing It!
Supporters worried as latest Osama Bin Laden DVD arrives with him beardless and doing rap number he wrote himself.
George Bush, Tony Blair have a Whiskey Conference at Crawford, Texas. Drink to old times...then pass out.
There Were Two?
Woman wakes up after 21-year coma still can't get her Presidents Bush straight.
Bill The Cat Grounded
Hillary gets clean Bill of health. "He's afraid to do anything after his heart operation. Should have bribed a doctor years ago!"
Bills Locked Up!
GOP hoping to get enough congressmen & Senators elected to constipate Obama bills for last two years of Presidency!
After all the complaints about congress passing large bills not knowing what was in them, Obama orders 2500 page report on how to streamline policies.
FDA Cracks Down!
With recent recalls, food companies are told that, beginning January first, all rat feces in product must be cut in half.
Springer Ready To Spring
Television host says that he may throw his chair into the ring in this Fall's election.
Obese Airlines Takes Off
Obese Airlines, sporting Spruce Goose size planes, say that all aboard with have plenty of space.
Mars Project Fails
Obama laments money wasted as latest mission to Mars destroyed when craft lands in a big lake. "Could have used that half million for Spain vacation!"
Saddam Not Changed Mentally
Medium who has contacted Saddam Hussein says that he claims he's the mother of all ghosts.
Migh Be A Burn Victim Involved
Ambulances in the southern US are ordered to have at least one old lady aboard who can draw fire.
Nobody Would Believer Thief
Couple legally change names to John & Jane Doe so that they no longer have to fear anyone trying to steal their identities.
Poop Drop Blamed On Big Pigeons
Kentucky man who wanted to jump out of an airplane on his 90th birthday, shits all over guy who jumps strapped to him.
Nothing To Worry About
Telecommunications interruptions caused by heavy solar flare acticty, Claims Commander Shrittzxszz aboard UFO.
Lockerbie Bomber Sought
Obama calls for Lockerbie bomber to be returned to jail in Scotland. Libya: Just as soon as he dies.
Alarming Rise In Teenagers
Now alarming rise in teenage promiscuity and abortions is linked to women's binge drinking, failing to wear clothing.
Skepitism Over Peace Talks
Skepticism widespread in Mideast over new peace talks. No one can understand why.
France Still Trying
France expels Gypsies to Romania for third day! All of first days expelled and half of yesterday's are already back.
US Assures Israel Nuclear Iran Isn't Imminent. "I'd give it a few more hours yet", say military experts who are still looking for WMD's in Iraq.
USA Debt Unbelievable!
USA DEBT: $13,310,379,000,000.00! $44,000 PER CITIZEN! Bill Gates tosses his part in. We're next!
New NRA Booklet?
Congress is crushing young Americans with future debt. Here's how they can fight back.
Harry the croc picks Labor in Australia snap poll. Paul the Octopus: "Not so fast, chum!"
New AA Fees
American Airlines to charge extra for front-row seats, accidental lap dances.
Pop Singer Dies
British pop singer dies in fall at Belgian concert. May have thought parking lot a mosh pit.
Too Much Noise
Moving sale planned at 'Amityville Horror' house. Neighbors ask that it be moved immediately.
Good For Nightmare If Placed Under Pillow
Moving sale planned at 'Amityville Horror' house. Each authentic fly to be sold on eBay!
Tai Chi, You Look Like You're Feeling Better
Tai chi eases fibromyalgia symptoms, study finds. Also mends the heartbreak of psoriasis.
Matches Still Allowed!
Study: Smoking scenes on the decline in top movies. Most crime scenes show victims made to talk by getting hotfoots.
Less Movie Smoking #2
Study: Smoking scenes on the decline in top movies. Most comedies show actors lighting farts instead.
Few Smoking Scenes
Study: Smoking scenes on the decline in top movies. Many dramas have people standing around lighting firecrackers instead.
NKorea On Facebook #2
North Korea reportedly joins Facebook. But so far, only a photograph of Kim's ass...or it could be his face.
NKorea Joins Facebook
North Korea reportedly joins Facebook! "Hello to all the dying sicko Americans!"
Shuttle Crew Picks Out Own Music
NASA: Pick shuttle wake-up tunes or write your own. "Theme From Jaws" also ruled against.
Gives Me The Creeps
NASA: Pick shuttle wake-up tunes or write your own. "A Space Oddity" ruled out already.
Several Bumped Heads On Low Ceilings Over Beds
NASA: Pick shuttle wake-up tunes or write your own. So far, none want to wake up with James Brown scream at start of "I Feel Good!"
Study: Astronauts as weak as 80-year-olds in space. Could be as weak as 150-year-olds on a Mars mission.
NZ rescuers refloat 11 whales stranded on beach and send them out toward Japanese whaling ships.
Some Claims Rejected
New guidelines could rule out many oil claims. Those in Atlanta asking for oil money because of losing passing traffic on the way to Florida beaches disqualified.
Recession Hitting Everyone
Recession hits smart-phone makers in the chops.....chips!
More To Talk About This Time
Peace this time? Israel, Palestinians to talk. Iranian nuclear bomb could fall short and hit PLO, instead.
Most Likely Culprits
Several inmates stabbed at Maryland prison. Police suspect that it was done by other prisoners.
Democrats Have More Money
Democrats hold financial advantage over GOP as President doing more fund raising than being president.
No Oklahoma, Texas Votes Coming!
Gov't: 23K workers affected by Gulf oil drill ban, still closed by Obama.
Eggs May Be Key To Chicken Mystery
Second Iowa farm recalls eggs in salmonella sweep. Say the chickens that laid those eggs already slaughtered and eaten.
Troops Paying The Price
Troops: Skipping Christian concert got us punished. "Every single one of us have festering boils all over our ass!
Garbage Patch Grows!
Ocean Garbage Patch Still a Mystery. Now being called "The Garbage Patch Triangle".
Keep Egging Us On!
Second Iowa farm recalls eggs in salmonella sweep. Also warn that eggs from China could have small amounts of lead.
Let's Avoid Eggs
Second Iowa farm recalls eggs in salmonella sweep. Maybe we should all simply quit eating eggs till all this is settled.
More Egg Recalls
Second Iowa farm recalls eggs in salmonella sweep. CEO's of several companies have egg on their faces.
First Aussie Woman PM
Australia votes on whether first Sheila PM survives by next week. Says she's not getting any respect.
Aussie PM To Survive?
Australia votes on whether first woman PM survives. Could pull the plug by next weekend.
They Should Have Known
Prosecutors: WikiLeaks founder suspected of rape. Several others at WikiLeaks, who released military secrets accused of cannibalism!
Mandated Gov. Furloughs
State-mandated furloughs to close many government offices. "Let's keep most government offices closed", say citizens.
Lazy Acres hearing pushed back to October. "No hurry, no hurry at all", says owner of Lazy Acres.
Newgrass Festival Back
Newgrass Festival returns! Music lovers and potheads rejoice!
Shouldn't Have Skipped
Troops: Skipping Christian concert got us punished. "We have lice all over us and there was a lightning storm on the ground."
Obama: Who Listens To Supreme Court?
Obama challenges GOP on campaign finance ruling. "Nope, it's the law of the land, like it or not", respond GOP.
Russian Arms Merchant Could Face Trial
Rasputin, Russian arms merchant could face US courts. I'm sorry, that should have been "reputed".
Knifefights At Maryland Prison
Several inmates stabbed at Maryland prison as inmates had made knives out of spaghetti dinners.
Lions, Tigers & Bears, Oh My!
Neighbors: Home where bear attacked Ohioan a 'zoo'. "No wonder he was attacked", says neighbor! "there's an elephant up there."
Regulators shut down big Chicago bank, 7 others. Mafia threatens to shut down regulators.
Hot For Christmas: Ocean Garbage Patch Dolls!
Ocean Garbage Patch Still a Mystery. Study shows a lot of Pirate activity in the area. Could have disposed of unwanted bounty.
Better Be Careful
Iran begins fueling first nuclear reactor. Peole hear one big "Whoops!" and Tehran disappears.
Troops Punished #3
Troops: Skipping Christian concert got us punished. "Power went off and we couldn't find our way around, bumping into thins with knots all over our heads."
Troops Punished #2
Troops: Skipping Christian concert got us punished. "Every single one of us have hemroids half and inch long!"
Troops: Skipping Christian concert got us punished. Plague of frogs crawled all over the barracks.
Haiti ruling ends Wyclef Jean's run for president. He will now proceed to run for his life.
WikiLeaks Founder Charged With Rape?
Prosecutors: WikiLeaks founder suspected of rape. Somehow, we all saw this coming.
Iran Goes Nuclear #4
Iran begins fueling first nuclear reactor. Glowing reports already coming from Tehran.
Iran Goes Nuclear #3
Iran begins fueling first nuclear reactor. Countdown to double and triple gas prices begins.
Iran Goes Nuclear #2
Iran begins fueling first nuclear reactor. "At least it's not that horrible nucklar reactor", states former president Bush.
Iran Going Nuclear
Iran begins fueling first nuclear reactor. Countries all over the Middle Est begin building fallout shelters.
A day at the races
Fla. Attorney General candidates Pam Bondi (R), Dan Gelber (D) have leads in respective primaries, but Undecided leads the race, Hanging Chad moves to the inside, and it's Recount in the home stretch.
Iran begins fueling first nuclear plant
While it may take two months or more for the nuclear reactor to produce usable electricity, it's already generating enough buzz to raise hair on the back of the international community's neck.
Iowa egg recall narrows
While salmonella bacteria produce hydrogen sulfide gas, which smells like rotten eggs, that's not really salmonella: Those eggs in your refrigerator are just bad. You should throw them out.
Officials: Wyclef Jean will not be on Haiti's presidential ballot
Unfortunately, says Haitian-born hip-hop artist, candidacy paperwork he submitted months ago is still lost amidst heaps of rubble.
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