Spoof news snippets from Friday 20 August 2010
Obama: I Drink Beer So I'm Not Muslim
Bin Laden turns down invitation to come to the US and attending a beer conference.
Bush Library Opened
President Bush Library contains the first Rubik's Cube he almost solved.
That's Wicked Step-Sister In Disguise!
Disney embarrassed as Cinderella gives birth to goofy-looking baby!
Kirstie Alley appearance on beach and headed towards the ocean causes issuance of tsunami warning!
Kroger's New Egg Line!
Kroger's offers it's new line of 'Eggs Without Salmonella", doing fine.
Arnold Moving On Up!
California's Schwarzenegger is making a big name for himself in politics!
Paul Always Right
Paul the Octopus predicts that 90% of billionaires will win over millionaires this November!
It Pulled Me Over Here!
Toyota-made grocery carts recalled after several jump into higher speed, especially around doughnut area!
Iran Prepares Nuclear Reactor!
Iran prepares to start up first nuclear reactor...a finger is getting closer to the switch...closer...closer!
"I Was Thinking Of A Cartoon!"
NY mosque imam: "Extremism is global threat!" Makes an attempt to keep straight face but finally bursts out laughing!
Castre Reading "Fidel Castro"
Fidel Castro fascinated by book about himself. "I don't remember any of this."
France Expels Gypsies Again, Several The Same Ones
France expels Gypsies to Romania for second day. Find most of first day group back in France when they return.
Biden On Tea Party
Biden lashes out at 'Republican tea party'. "They're mad I tell you! Mad! Mad! Mad! Ahahaha!!"
'Dark energy' will cause the Universe to expand forever, say scientists. "Or it could do something else. Let's get some more beer in here!"
Urinated On War Memorial
Furious veterans line up outside court to humiliate woman who urinated on their war memorial. "We're all pissed at her", says one.
Martha's Vineyard Polluted
NO SWIMMING: Martha's Vineyard waters contaminated with fecal bacteria! "Our first vacation in years and we have to put up with this shit", says angry tourist.
I Was On The Third!
Police say a homeless man lived unnoticed in the fifth floor of a New York library for nearly two years, but he tells a different story.
Got Him Too
French police have arrested two teenage girls they say stole hundreds of euros from unsuspecting cash machine customers after distracting them by flashing their breasts, which were nice says one cop.
Lucky You Say?
A boy from India has 25 fingers and toes and his mom said he very lucky, but wishes whey weren't on the same foot.
Gave Cops The Slip!
A man in a banana costume is accused of exposing himself and brandishing a shotgun while riding around with a bunch of friends the Fruit Of The Loom Guys, in Washington state.
Vuvuzelas Make It!
Vuvuzelas make it into the Oxford dictionary as mostly a curse word.
Now That Was Suspicious
Mailman arrested for dealing drugs on his route. Officials became suspicious when all his customers were happy. and bragging about their great post office!
"Lazy State Workers!"
Police: DWI suspect drives 11 miles without tire before stopping, cursing potholes in the road!
Like A Tongue On A Metal Pole In Winter
Weatherman on Channel 13, Madison Wisconsin, gives Anchorman pop sickle between features finds anchor with lips pulled out trying to unstick it from his mouth.
A cold front passed over the BBC News channel late Tuesday as the show's weatherman flipped the bird to his news anchor, who had her tongue stuck out!
Beware Of Pothead Bears
CHRISTINA LAKE, British Columbia - Police who uncovered two marijuana fields near the U.S.-Canada border had to tread carefully: 13 black bears were wandering around the crops, high as a kite!
Sick As An Egg-Sucking Dog!
Egg recall tied to salmonella grows to 380 million! Mine recalled itself", stated sick lady in Peoria.
Not Exactly A Success!
Nearly 50 percent leave Obama mortgage-aid program. "We prefer to say 50% still paying", says VP Biden.
Opposition To War
Poll: Nearly 6 in 10 oppose war in Afghanistan. "1 out of 10 here", says Afghan citizen.
An Ohio bear owned by a foe of PETA kills its caretaker!
Must Have Been Some Body
Hundreds of people show up at some guy's funeral in Hawaii!
"Eve" Maternal Ancestor
A maternal ancestor to all living humans called mitochondrial Eve who lived 200,000 years ago this October 25th, at roughly the same time modern humans are believed to have emerged, a study confirms.
Not Too Sure
Iran's new nuclear reactor: Not an immediate threat? I wouldn't bet my life on it: Netanyahu.
Navy panel votes to discharge ex-astronaut Nowak, the diaper woman!
Ranger A Hero
Ranger who helped nab fugitives by using the offering of a sandwich is a hero.
Acme Products have announced that they have recalled all their Dumb & Dumderbells exercise equipment, as they sometimes slide down bar and brain you.
The Simon & Cheryl Show Still Going
X Factor: Simon Cowell blasts Cheryl Cole for being a "spoilt brat" during string of bust ups. Cole replies "Spoilt? he must have meant spoiled. But not bad for an idiot."
But No Beer Please
Obama invites Israeli, Palestinian leaders to direct talks. Retired Presidents: Why didn't we think of that?
Construction On Mosque
Construction workers say: Hell no! We won't build it!
We Can Cut Too
Panel Weighs Cuts in Social Security. Social Security weighs cuts in panel staff.
Looked A Little Cloudy
Man Arrested For Putting Semen in Female Co-Worker's Water Bottle Pissed Off!
Pelosi Eyebrows At New Height
Forget Bush. Obama now blames poor job situation on Congress!
Obama Had Facts Wrong Again
PAPER: Obama had facts wrong in Ohio; Stimulus dollars didn't aid project. Politicians say he's giving them all a bad reputation.
Pilots Avoiding Vultures.
Pilots on alert for high-flying vultures. Warning sent in by Hawkman!
Stone Pony's Edwards Dead At 64
Stone Poneys' Kenny Edwards dead at 64. Will be buried to the sound of a different drum.
Two Helping Syntoms
Tai chi eases most fibromyalgia symptoms, study finds. So does leg al mar jan!
"No Nose Change" Tips Off Moon Study
Moon may be shrinking, but very, very slowly. This was researched after several werewolves spotted with regular noses.
"Put Up A Tree Museum"
Plant growth declines as warming causes drought as there are only 127 trees left in the Amazon.
Iran Nukes May Take A Year, Or Not!
Report: Iran needs year to develop nuclear weapon. So no use attacking before elections in November.
Pretty Fair Actor
Nuke waste dump plays role in races outside Nevada. To try out for role of "The Oil Spill" in off Broadway play.
NBA May Set Record!
Ex-NBA star Jayson Williams to face NYC DWI case. He's the 57th ex-NBA player arrested so far this year.
No Trials Yet
Pakistan: Lack of terror convictions hurts fight. "They all seem to die before their trial comes up."
They'll Be OK!
Fidelity: 401(k) hardship withdrawals, loans up! Also, many are trading in their grandchildren's futures at pawn shops.
Iman On Extremism
NY mosque imam: extremism is global threat, "and many of us are pretty extreme!"
Oilsters Back On Market In La.
La. scientist's oilsters safe from oil, but extra slick & pricey.
Still Another Obama Vacation
Oil spill and Iraq combat over, Obama takes break...many ask 'from what'?
Obama Family On Another Vacation
Oil spill and Iraq combat over, Obama takes break. This in #3 break in a month and oil spill, fighting still going on in Iraq with our 5,000 trainers.
Secondhand Smoke Condemned
Secondhand cigarette smoke alters jeans, study says. Can't get the smell out, I guess. I'm sorry, that should have been 'genes'.
Also Purchasing Their Land Back
Report: Russia leases sub, trains Indian navy crew. Cherokee to build many more from casino earnings.
Mosque near ground zero divides Sept. 11 relatives, everybody else in the country.
Taking Emergency Loans Against Retirement
Fidelity: 401(k) hardship withdrawals, loans up. Hardship: spelled Barack Obama.
After Search From Canada To Arkansas!
Arizona fugitive and fiancee arrested at campsite near Arizona's capitol of Phoenix. Say they only drove a few miles away.
Beware The Curses
France sends scores of Gypsies back to Romania. Those doing the removing say their penises have fallen off.
Gypsies Place Curse On France
France sends scores of Gypsies back to Romania. Leaders predict that France will lose their next war & they haven't missed one yet.
Massive Egg Recall #2
Massive egg recall: How to check your carton for recalled eggs? For one thing, they give off the sour odor of rotten eggs, and Cousin Elmer.
Massive Egg Recall
Massive egg recall: How to check your eggs? Well, these are massive so if they are big as ostrich eggs, chances are those are the massive one.
The Bad Egg Of The Family
Massive egg recall: How to check your carton for recalled eggs. "Cook one to the least liked member of your relatives, then watch."
Clemens Fighting Back
Clemens vows to fight perjury charges, saying he'll brush them back with a high fast one under the chin!
Lockerbie Bomber Anniversary
UK warns Libya over Lockerbie bomber anniversary. "We gave bomber back, we can take him out."
Israel and Palestinians cautious on peace talk invite. No one knows why.
PETA says it is now ok to kill racoons
PETA founder says it has nothing to do with them getting in her trash, but that they carry diease and may hurt another animal.
Imam leader of the proposed mosque reveals budget.
Imam said he needs 100 million tax payer dollars for his overseas trip. The White House says they have looked at the budget, and its legit
Ball-clamping to be outlawed
The painful practice of ball-clamping, whereby if somebody loiters in the same spot for more than an hour his testicles are clamped and he must pay a fee to have them released, is to be banned.
Prison is on lock down after massive riot
This repoter learned that the new Halo game for playstation was 4 days late, because security guards had to check 4000 games before passing them out, which caused a massive riot.
Thank God It's Friday - Terrorists all too busy praying to blow us up
The world heaved a sigh of relief at 1 minute past midnight on Friday morning, knowing that it had survived another week against the terrorists, who would now all be busy praying at various mosques.
Shocking news about Nancy Pelosi
A childhood friend announced today that the speaker of the house is actually Skeletor from HE-MAN.
Satan is going to negotiate peace talks
The ruler of darkness is coming out of hiding to negotiate peace within the Democratic party.
Favre ordered to testify before Congress
NFL quarterback Brett Favre has been ordered to appear before Congress on charges he is a "flip-flopper". His most recent decision not to retire from the game has sparked the latest Witch Hunt.
Probably To See A Line-Up
Guy on medical marijuana calls police to report his air drums missing. Police bring him a set and ask him to go downtown with them.
Zero's The Word!
Ground Zero could well be the indicator on how many New Yorkers will vote democrat in 2012.
Ground Zero Mosque Still Approved By Prez
President Obama still says he's all for Al-Qaida's right to build a mosque at Ground Zero.
Guitar Players Here's All You Need!
For the latest in air guitar lessons, call Frankie The J, BR-549! All lessons include a FREE air guitar!
Everybody Cutting Back
Even the wealthy are cutting back on spending. Several spotted driving 2009 Jaguars.
Get Spoof News in your email inbox!