Spoof news snippets from Thursday 19 August 2010
Number One Prescription
Medical marijuana now approved and prescribed more than aspirin.
Kim Still A Threat, Nut
North Korea lead Kim says he may use nuclear weapons at any time, or, he could dance and sing with the karaoke. Soldier nearby overheard saying, 'please let him use the nuclear weapons.'
Klinger Kicked Out!
France sends scores of Gypsies back to Romania, actor Jamie Farr by mistake.
Picking Out Specialists
NY mosque imam in Mideast for outreach tour, see who he can easiest smuggle into US.
But Don't Get Your Hopes Up!
US officials: Mideast talks may start soon. Probably after nuclear war between Iran and Israel.
Have Started Many Times
US officials: Mideast talks may start soon. Moon is made out of green cheese!
Really Light Lites
With sales down, US Cigarette companies now offering cigarettes with only half the cancer-causing chemicals.
Billionaire, Friends To Escape
Second and third trial rocket into space go smoothly for billionaire. "Bring on the asteroid!"
Americans prefer Drugs to psychotherapy for depression, also over aspirin for a headache.
Some On The Run, Some In The River
Several bookies in a lot of trouble after Gore's split up, Clintons stay together!
"I Never Could Tolerate Oil!"
Vacationers still wary of oily beaches in Florida. Take their oiled suntanned bodies elsewhere.
Obama's New School Proposal
To cut school costs, Obama proposes Two sixteen-hour weekend days and kids stay home all week. "Like Many of our hospital staff."
Just Three Letters
Most predicted motto for democrats after November elections: "Yes We Canned!"
Time For A Change!
The tea Party come down hard on democrats, coffee shops!
Mute who was accused of murdering art gets off free because he wasn't acted out his Miranda rights.
BP Gives OK!
BP give fishermen the OK on oil-soaked, chemical detergent filled fish. "Fish all you want. Up to customers whether they like them."
Obamacare Not That Bad
Seniors assured that they will not be taken out and shot in new Obamacare. Just have to pass simple qualifying to live test.
US Economy Falters
Bad news as economy down further, jumps out of a 20-floor window.
Bernanke warns that the US is losing it's most qualified illegal aliens to Canada!
Psst. Got Change For A Yuan?
Counterfeiters give up on printing dollars, now into Chinese Yuan.
Number Four On The Move
Al-Qaida #4 says he's earned his advancement with bravery on the field and killing #7, 9 and 12.
FGore back To Court?
Al Gore cleared of all charges from masseuse now being sued by professional mannequins.
One-Hundred Yard Dash
Lockerbie Bomber may participate in next World Olympics!
Relax, Get Married
Why being married can make you more relaxed: Plenty of sex, no more money to worry about.
The "Americanization" Of Britain
Britain sinks further into the red as public borrowing hits £44.9bn
King rat: Two-and-a-half-foot 'ratzilla' shot on estate as super-sized rodents are found in UK. Vets breeding 50-pound cats to deal with them.
Judge Attacks Council
Judge attacks council for trying to FORCE a low IQ woman to take contraceptive. "Exactly WHAT are you guys up to?"
Smoking Scenes Down
Study: Smoking scenes on the decline in top movies, cartoons.
Spill Data Withheld!
BP accused of withholding 'critical' spill data, like the actual spill began three months earlier, two more leaking.
Jobless Hits Nine Month High!
Jobless claims rise to highest level in 9 months! Baby Boomers blamed!
Ditch the queen: UK public's wild ideas for budget cuts. Prisoners to create power by being forced to run on treadmills!
Conseco: See, I Had To Hit Against Him!
Roger Clemens charged with perjury in steroid case. May be sentenced to Minor League Hall of Fame.
Has Paper To Prove It!
White House says Obama is Christian, prays daily. Show papers of his christening in Kenya. Uh Oh!
White House Denies Obama Being Muslim!
White House says Obama is Christian, prays daily. Overheard saying something about chickens coming home to roost.
Goodbye Iraq: Last US combat brigade heads home. Last troop in line drops pants and wiggles his ass as he crosses over into Kuwait.
But They Slide Down Nicely!
Gulf shrimp season off to slow start. Restaurants think it's the dark color.
Most American women can speak Spanish
Since most women do the shopping in the USA, we have learned that they also are fluent in Spanish. They say that since all products are written in Spanish they have had to learn the language or starve
No Longer Available
Late night infomercial withdrawn for the "Purse Emptier" after several lawsuits!
Obama said The Spoof is a good news source!
After the President made this statement this morning. The Spoof lost 85% of its readers. We are now showing record low numbers, but we are still beating MSNBC, and CNN.
Islam Already At Ground Zero
FACT CHECK: Islam already lives near ground zero! In fact, they created it!
Does America have a Muslim problem? With those trying to blow us up and calling us The Great Satan, I'd say so.
Bulls Taking Themselves By The Horns!
Suicide Bull leaps into stands in Spain as protest against bull fighting, 40 hurt.
Bangkok Man Goes To Bed Early
A Hull man masquerading as an English teacher in Bangkok has gone to bed early tonight, it's been reported, as he has a busy day ahead of him tomorrow.
"Let's Drop The Big One Now!"
Exclusive: Al Qaida plans for Israel war. US asleep at the wheel as usual.
Tell The Guy To Hold The Prayers For Another 45 Minutes!
Obama may give next State of the Union address from atop new mosque!
We're Outa Here!
Goodbye Iraq: Last US combat brigade heads home as tanks pull out and begin long journey across the ocean.
Jobless Claims Highest Level In 9 Months
Jobless claims rise to highest level in 9 months. We're unemployed and giving birth to frustration", one of the unemployed tells TheSpoof!
A new poll reveals that: Growing number incorrectly call Muslims, Obama!
Ground Zero Mosque to be moved
After so much public pressure to move the Mosque at Ground Zero. Obama said the terrorist could build it in the center of the Pentagon.
A man killed himself this morning!
A man blew his head off this morning with a 12 guage shotgun, after his wife told him, that her mother would be moving in with them.
Jane Fonda new spokesperson for Ground Zero Mosque
Mohhamed Something said: We felt she was a good choice because, the infidels hate her more than us, and this will divert their attention, while we build our Tolerance factory.
Rodney King gets another beating!
After a drunk Rodney King called a group of Paramedics, Ambulance drivers, they proceeded to beat the shit out of him until he died. The L.A.P.D is now trying to hire the Paramedics.
Kissing Ass Healthier
Scientists now say that there are more germ passed while kissing than when you kiss someone's ass! That good news for politicians everywhere!
Bed Bugs In NYC
Osama Bin Laden has taken credit for all the bed bugs in New york City. "I have sand fleas in my beard, you have bed bugs in your beds!"
President Obama has said that he hopes that the building of the mosque at Ground Zero will unite America, and it certainly has, but not in the way he meant.
Hezbollah Encourage Building Of Mosque
The building os a mosque has now been endorsed by Hezbellah, as a great place to hide terrorists.
France to send 93 Gypsies back to Romania. All the escargot disappears!
A year after bankruptcy, GM plans stock sale. CEO: "I'm glad we branched out into the cattle field."
Prayer At Pentagon
Muslims pray daily at Pentagon's 9/11 crash site, (that the next attempt will hit dead center.)
Most Americans Say They Should Plan A Long One in 2012!
R&R time for Obamas on Martha's Vineyard! "We hadn't had a vacation since last week in Florida, the week before Michelle in Spain blowing money!"
November ElectionsToo Close!
New senators want to change way Senate works. Should have thoght of that when they were elected a few years ago!
Thanks For The Warning
FACT CHECK: Islam already lives near ground zero. Also, there are probably still some ashes from hijackers!
A trustee of a Nelson Mandela charity said he will leave the organization after being caught up in a scandal involving a supermodel, a warlord, rough diamonds, a commode and a hamster named Fred.
Some Stuck In Short Shorts!
Cold front ends heat spell over western Russia as temperatures fall 87 degrees.
Dog Days In Russia
Russia marks 50th anniversary of space dogs flight. "Little Kruschev, Jr" statue shown to public.
Probably On Purpose
Poll: Growing number incorrectly call Obama Muslim! "Osama".
Sacred Ground To Families
Mosque debate divides Democrats, especially in NY..NJ...Ca..!
Hard To Tell Somtimes
Poll: Growing number incorrectly call Obama Muslim. "Well if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck!"
Things Getting Mixed Up!
Poll: Growing number incorrectly call Obama Muslim, Comedian Al Franken a US Senator.
Has Funny Forehead.
Poll: Growing number incorrectly call Obama Muslim, Pelosi Klingon!
Same Old Same Old!
Some jurors glad Blagojevich will be tried again. "He simply came across as a typical politician to us."
Hey, That's An Idea!
Senate and House leaders suggest higher taxes to help pay debts. Obama Administration admits that they have never thought of that!
You Can Run But You Cannot Hide
Facebook checks in, adding location-based feature. "You won't have to tell where you are every ten minutes on your postings." "Bureau is now writing a snippet in Kentucky. Wave!"
Political Correctness Goes Haywire
Cannibal employee: Disney banned his sacred shrunken head.
Political Correctness Running Rampert
Muslim employee: Disney banned her head scarf. Sort of reminds you of the airline stewardess who couldn't wear a cross, which most Evening News Reports ignored.
Doctor: experts agreed on Lockerbie bomber health. Have no idea why he's still alive.
Assassinations Do Work, But Where Do They Lead?
Can an Assassination Campaign Turn the Tide in Afghanistan? It certainly worked in starting World War I!
What Was The Mission Again?
Goodbye Iraq: Last US combat brigade heads home..mission accomplished!
Scientists Rethink Proven Theories #4
Scientists rethink black hole theory after discovering huge star, eruption of volcano that wiped out Pompeii left one perfect body apparently doing the Macarena!
Scientists Rethink Proven Theories
Magnetic mega-star challenges black hole theory. 10,000 year old cave drawing show ancient man in red Corvette.
Scientists Rethink Proven Theories #2
Magnetic mega-star challenges black hole theory. Indian arrowhead dug up in Oklahoma, made out of hard plastic.
Scientists Rethink Proven Theories
Magnetic mega-star challenges black hole theory. Discovery of old Buffalo Nickel inside mummy's just opened tomb, still another challenge.
Obama Muslim #2
Poll: Growing number incorrectly call Obama Muslim, even though he's actually a disciple of Jeremiah Wright!
Salmonella In Eggs
How Does Salmonella Get Inside Eggs? Scientist hatches up a new theory!
Copperfield Reveals All!
How Does Salmonella Get Inside Eggs? See the David Copperfield Special on NBC tonight!
Salmonella In Eggs!
How Does Salmonella Get Inside Eggs? Scientists trying to figure out, which came first, the chicken, the egg or the Salmonella!
Obama: No Regrets On Offending Families Over Mosque
Obama: 'No Regrets' on Muslim Center! Most Americans say, "Wait until November and 2012!"
Poll: Growing number incorrectly call Obama Muslim...most do it on purpose.
Getting Spread Pretty Then With All The Disasters
World's version of FEMA finally ramps up flood aid to stricken Pakistan.
No Victory To Celebrate
Goodbye Iraq: Last US combat brigade heads home. But don't look for a VI Day to celebrate like VJ and VE Days.
Now You Can Go Back To Fighting Each Other
Goodbye Iraq: Last United States combat brigade heads home, to Afghanistan.
India Special Offer For Commonwealth Games
Indian Sports Association is actively considering 'Win one medal, get one free' promotion offer for foreign athletes signing up for Commonwealth Games: Breaking News
Chair gets desk
Great Harwood chairperson, Ralph 'Ralph Pepper' Pepper, has been given a desk job. A colleague remarked "He's been part of the furniture for many years." The colleague was later killed.
Aid to Pakistand has been sent in the form of powdered water. The sachets are easy to transport and just require clean water adding to the powder.
A spam filter at the Co-op in Leyland prevented purchasing staff from buying Spam.
Mullahs protest Pink Rupee
Hardline Muslims threaten to throw shoes at Reserve Bank for printing Pink Rupee notes -saying its encouraging Muslim Men to jump out of closet and act like Aerosmith
The Daily mail says Sorry
Popular British right wing newspaper 'The Daily Mail' apolagise for constant exaggerations and lies causing racial hatred and even violence
Another Ethics Investigation
US House is considering investigating House Speaker Pelosi in the fall. Environmentalists claim she has too many plastic parts & want to know if the funding is coming from the petro-chemical industry!
PM Neville Chamberlin was to NAZI Germany as President Barack Obama is to nuclear bomb development in Iran. Anybody seen the USA's embodiment of PM Winston Churchill yet?
An Obama Fairy Tale
President Obama gets Israel, Saudi Arabia, Jordan and Egypt to jointly invade Iran, destroying the Iranian's nuclear bomb making capabilities. President Obama nominated for a second Nobel Prize.
EPA to Regulate Soiling of Diapers
New regulations require mothers to change their toddler's diapers more frequently to avoid messy leaks and spills from contaminating the environment. The EPA is really getting into our pants now!
EPA asks former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich to file an environmental impact statement because of all the bullshit he has generated in the last two years!
Congressman Frank, "Abolish Freddie and Fannie"
"There were people in this society who for economic and, frankly, social reasons can't and shouldn't be homeowners."An epiphany after Fannie & Freddie received $150 billion in taxpayer bailout money!
Rabbit Caught in Car Headlights
President Obama talked to ordinary folks who told him that kitchen-table economics dictates that you don't spend more money than your income allows. The president was stunned by this revelation!
President Speaks Again about the Mosque
President Obama has offered VP Biden's residence at the Naval Observatory in Washington DC as a site for the NYC Mosque in lieu of "Ground Zero." The vice president could not be located for comment!
Flood Warning in Washington DC
The National Weather Service issued a flood warning for much of the Washington DC area, luckily Congress is away. Residents have been complaining Congress has had their heads under water for years!
Who Needs Rehab
A woman and her lover were stoned to death in northern Afghanistan. Mel Gibson, Lindsay Lowhan, Paris Hilton and Britney Spears who get stoned all the time, immediately went cold turkey.
The San Andreas Fault is the tectonic boundary between Pacific & North American Plates. However, new research indicates the fault near San Francisco CA is actually the political asshole of the world!
What No Power Put Back into the Lines
HHS secretary says health insurance premiums are going up! The American people always knew that adding millions of people, keeping quality the same and reducing cost was a health care pipe dream!
A number of states where chickens are raised have a chicken waste problem that the EPA is concerned about. The American people have been saying for years the EPA are the experts on "chicken s**t!"
Post Office Business Increases
Chicken farmers citing EPA as experts on "chicken s**t" are mailing packages of the stuff to the agency for disposal. USPS gets an injunction against mailing leaky packages marked GREEN/ORGANIC!
Too Much Exposure to the Sun
It looks like the Nevada Senate race is between Beavis and Butthead, with the electorate having to figure out which is which! Several other states have similar clones on their ballots!
Who Was That Banned Man?
Baseball great Pete Rose allows his hair to go white. Calls himself "The Silver Mullet".
Mosque Is Named
The Hamosque at Ground Zero will be called "The Bin Ladin Mosque".
U.S. Pauses Pakistan Drone Strikes To Help Flood Victims
No word on when the U.S. will resume killing Pakistani civilians that survived the flooding.
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