Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 18 August 2010
Former England manager reveals drink superstition
Sven Goran Eriksson has revealed how he used to drink a "Becks" whenever Beckham scored and a "Sol" whenever Sol Campbell did. The Swede then added, "I'm glad Dave Seaman was in goal."
Mel Gibson scared of shadow
Mel Gibson is the source of many jokes after he was frightened by his own shadow. The actor caught sight of his shadow behind him on a wall and shouted, "S**t! Sorry! I thought that was a black man!"
This week's NASA launch of shuttle craft delayed as hampsters in wheels were overfed and have a week to get back in shape for the wheels.
Heinz Also Recalled
The Heinz Company has recalled all bottle of their "Heinz End Ketchup" as some rat feces have been found.
California's Best Recalled
California's Best has recalled all heads of Remains Lettuce. Once wilted, it can cause children to choke.
Zsa Zsa Requests
Zsa Zsa Gabor asks for Last Rites from priest, one more volunteer policeman to slap!
We Could Be Wrong!
Magnetic mega-star challenges black hole, Don Imus theory!
Muslims Do Not Want Mosque At Ground Zero
Some Muslims question mosque near ground zero. "It will make it harder for us to live in this nation", states one.
Bed Bugs Bugging EPA
Ohio's Bedbug Battle Escalates with EPA Crisis Meeting! May have to move to another state, but not New York!
Obama Still Defending Hamosque!
Obama tries to boost faith in US economic revival. Draw votes from Muslims for stand on Hamosque!
Vitamins Don't Help #3
Study: No Health Benefit From Taking Vitamins. Recommend that we take them out of products like milk.
Vitamins Don't Help#2
Study: No Health Benefit From Taking Vitamins! Discoverer of Vitamin C benefits just happened to live to 95 year's old!
Vitamins Don't Help?
Study: No Health Benefit From Taking Vitamins! Children in Africa who recovered from near blindness to normal by taking Vitamin A was just a freak.
Fooled The New Guy!
President Obama angry after seeing film made of bailed out bankers laughing all the way back to their bank.
Biden Boots It Again
Many at Chelsea Clinton's wedding thought remarks by Joe Biden were improper. "To say cold fusion is certainly possible. Just look at Bill & Hillary Clinton having Chelsea."
Costly Bee Boo Transplants
GOP to point out how much it will cost US for free ferbil transplants for Martians under Universal Health Care.
SNL May Be Hilarious Again
President Obama says he may hide as his mother-in-law will join cast of Saturday Night Live as a guest telling funny family situations.
National Diet Working!
President Obama: I just got the stats. We may be poorer than when I took office, but fat people have lost an average of five pounds.
Obama Cigarette Habit
Obama still not smoking but is up to three packs of nicotine chewing gum a day.
If You Say So!
Head Shriner says that masonic symbol on dollar bill means "We are family, all my brothers and sisters and me!"
Did global warming kill off the woolly mammoth?, the twenty-foot homing pigeon?
More Buying Less!
Soaring cost of food means more of us are buying less, more or less.
Old Lady Not Cute
Bus driver slammed for running over mother duck and her chicks in an 'explosion of feathers'. They wanted me to hit the old lady on the other lane", says driver!
UK weatherman makes "shite" and wets his pants laughing!
A UK weatherman on BBC's Radio4 had a slip of the tongue by calling the Glastonbury Classics "shite" and that's only the weather. He wet his pants laughing whilst still indoors!
Kentucky Fried Lawsuit: Franchise Owners Sue KFC! "We can't make money unless you fatten up the recipe and get customers hooked again!
QW Takes The Blame
Global Warming now blamed for everything, even bad poker night. "Lost a few bucks, the house, Babe. It's that stupid Global Warming again."
Martha Stewart In Trouble?
Martha Stewart may be in trouble again as she describes how she was treated in prison. "That's inside information", says FBI.
Bush Physical Goes Well
George W. Bush has physical in Dallas. "They say I'm fit as a tack."
Well, You See Hon......(WHAP!!)
Husband hems and haws but cannot come up with an excuse after his wife finds nude photos of Barney Frank in his billfold.
Caddy Sees No Split
Caddy sees no split with Tiger Woods. "He's staying away from the ladies at the present."
After Seoul Report
An official report will blame a North Korean torpedo for sinking a SKorea ship, but Russia, China and some independent scientists refuse to be convinced.
Curse On US For Turning On Israel?
Bed Bugs Found at Times Square Movie Theater, one in ten places in NYC. Water turning to oil! Economy failing. Biden's jawbone turning into that of an ass.
Obama Shoots Himself In Foot Again
President Obama's Monday evening ride from the Beverly Hilton to Hancock Park caused havoc as roads across the Los Angeles were closed. Tuesday, he wisely chose to helicopter back to the airport.
Sick 9/11 responders slam Obama: We're dying and you want a mosque built there?
Hillary Mum On Subject
Hillary silent on mosque. Is she planning to challenge Obama in 2012?
Wetwang wules the web.
The bustling metropolis of Wetwang in East Yorkshire is the subject of more news stories than any other city on earth, according to some web blokes at IBM or somewhere.
Just A Theory At Present
Mutilated seals mysteriously washing up on beaches. Some blame the fact that they were mutilated caused them to wash ashore.
Pelosi: Mosque Opponents Should Be Questioned!
Nancy Pelosi says that mosque opponents should be questioned. There's only 200 million. Should have placed it on the census.
Peter Crouch denies requesting prostitute..
'I ordered flan'
Brett Favre decides ...Well, You Know The Story!
Brett Favre is back in Minnesota, after saying he would not be back earlier on. But since when did anybody believe Brett Favre, except on the football field.
Shot Heard Around The Sports World!
Famed home run hitter Bobby Thomson dead at 86. Outlives Major League Baseball when it was fun by 20 years.
China Anti-Tobacco Efforts Not Working
China anti-tobacco efforts failing, officials say. Kentucky, Virginia, North Carolina tobacco growers: They send us lead, we send them tobacco.
BP: This Isn't So!
Ga. scientists: Gulf oil not gone, 80 pct remains. BP requests Union to burn Atlanta down again.
Target Gains Up Sharply
Target 2Q profit rises 14.3 percent despite boycotting. "It only brought new people in", says CEO.
GOP calls Obama insensitive over stand on mosque. 2700 would agree, if they had a voice.
Might Have Helped If Started Earlier
Obama engaging in kitchen-table politics in Ohio. Says he has ideas but too busy with vacations, fundraisers to do much the first 2 years.
Experts: But Not Sure!
Home refinancing demand at highest in 15 months. Experts suspect that it may have to do with much lower rates recently.
Egg Recall: Chicken Didn't Wipe Ass!
228M eggs recalled following salmonella outbreak. FDA suspects that they came out of a chicken's ass.
Eggs Recalled, FDA Says, "Cough Them Up!"
228M eggs recalled following salmonella outbreak during political egg fight in several states over Fall races.
ACT Scores Down
ACT scores dip, but more students college-ready. Now we only need some jobs for them to do once they graduate.
Blagojevich Guilty On Only One Charge, Bad Hair
Jurors were close to convicting Rod Blagojevich but couldn't keep a straight face over the hair.
Diane Abbott shock news
It has been revealed that Labour leader candidate Diane Abbott is white but 'blacks up' to secure ethnic votes.
Should Be Interesting
Dr. Laura plans to end radio show at end of year with one final show with guests, Jeremiah Wright and Rand Paul.
Other Parasites Old Also
Mind-Controlling Parasites Date Back Millions of Years..to the first politicians.
Texas Gunman Attack
Police seeking motive for Texas gunman's attack...other than being a complete idiot.
US Double-Talk Again
US opposes use of force in South China Sea dispute. "That's why we keep a lot of warships in the area."
Frank Criticizes Freddie, Fannie
Democrat Frank says abolish Freddie and Fannie: "We need a Brucie and a Rosie!"
Neil: "How Many More?"
Ohio's Bedbug Battle Escalates with EPA Crisis Meeting. Neil Young releases "Bed Bugs In Ohio!"
Dr. Laura Retiring
Dr. Laura plans to end radio show at end of year after language gets out of control recently. Today's guest: Mel Gibson.
Negent Found Guilty
Ted Nugent pleads no contest to deer baiting in CA. Also, stalking the wild politicians of Washington DC.
In a bid to compete with the booming private medical sector NHS chiefs are offering free blow jobs to all patients.
Outbreak Of Eggs Benedict Arnold
228M eggs recalled following salmonella outbreak. Hens told to double up for a second shipment.
Dating websites unfair
Spokesperson for Figs makes official complaint about Dating websites claiming unfair bias towards one fruit.
Class Of '14 In Their Own World
Wear wristwatch? Use e-mail? Know anything about the world about you? Not for Class of '14
Blagojevich Guilty On One Charge!
Blagojevich Guilty On One Charge! He's a typical politician, only he got caught.
Blagojevich Guilty On One Charge! #2
Jurors were close to convicting Rod Blagojevich. "But he's obviously mad as a hatter."
A bald man from Gateshead awoke from a transplant operation to find a kidney sewn onto his head. The surgeon admitted he was working in the wrong clinic that day.
Obama Tlaking Clean Energy Again
President Obama Talks About Clean Energy For The 100th Time! Like 7-8 presidents before him. Where is it?
Obama Not Handling Job
AP Poll: Obama at new low for handling economy, which he hasn't except to borrow money from the future.
Hospital staff laughed at a man who suffered a fatal heart attack whilst reading a pamphlet about the risk of heart attacks. Doctor Jennifer Hmmmm said "It was hilarious. Even his wife giggled."
Hat-trick for Stuart
Well known local moron, Stuart Holepunch, caused a stir at the Wetherby Market Traders Convention when he cut off both ears so his new hat would fit better. He told us "What?"
Peter Kay hates modern life
Fat Bolton comedian Pater Kay has denounced modern life as 'crap' and yearns for the 70's and 80's because he liked Spangles and Quattro.
Microsoft supremo, Bilious Gates, has announced that the next version of the popular operating system will be called Windows 6 just "fuck with people's minds".
Jagged staples have been banned from all UK offices. A 35 page H&S policy document outlined the reasons but got separated and now the last few pages are missing.
Caffeine drinks rip off
Health experts are warning that popular caffeine energy drinks are not strong enough to have any significant impact on the drinker. Health spokesman, Dirk Made-Up-Name, said "Speed or E's are better."
Recently released serial rapist, Piers Pressure, has been voted Kindest, Most Attentive Rapist by readers of Rapist UK magazine.
Good god almighty
Residents of Congleton, Cheshire were alarmed to discover that god does not exist. Mayor Crosby 'Stills and' Nash has already decided to convert the now defunct churches into brothels and shit.
The entire population of little-known Pacific island, Dentura, is allergic to cheese. The island is home to just one man, Brian Samsung, who told reporters "I fucking hate cheese."
Weed OUT candidates?
Wyclef Jean can't run for president if he hasn't lived on Haitian soil for five consecutive years. Wyclef puffs: "I've lived on Haitian grass for far longer. Doesn't that count?"
She's nobody's nigger
Quitting after 30+ years in radio, Dr. Laura Schlessinger presented with commemorative gold tooth by clear channel. Schlessinger: "Dis be comin in handy when I be eatin fried chicken an watermelon!"
The sting of racism
Bees trap North Carolina deputy sheriff in patrol car for 3 hours. Peaceful honey makers reportedly angered after being racially profiled as "Africanized bees."
New rules for TSA workers.
The TSA will no longer be screening anyone of middle eastern descent, because of political correctness. They will only screen old people from now on, unless they are a Towel Head.
Heart Seems OK
Cigar blows up in Castro's face during speech but he calmly lies it's remains down and lights another one without missing a word.
Like A Snake
New spill report contradicts finding that most oil is gone. It's just hiding, biding it's time, gathering strength, waiting for right hurricane.
Conseco Homers In Debut
Jose Canseco homers for minor-league team in Laredo, the Loredo Assprickers!
Krispy Kreme Cheeseburger sounds atrocious, but many who've tried it become fans, fat.
Bad Egg Recall
An Iowa egg producer is recalling 228 million eggs after being linked to an outbreak of salmonella poisoning. This is according to an eggspert in the field.
Police Set Snare For Bunny Shooter
Police in Bear Wallow, Ky say that early report that the victim was found buried only two feet down was incorrect. Actually he was upside down with bunny shoes into the air, a mark of this desperado."
We Were All Yawning After That
Observers say that chimps yawn when they get bored just as we do. Subjects were placed in front of television sets.
Cave Now Blank But Clean
Immigrant, hired to clean out cave area of France where cave man cave drawings find he had cleaned those off too.
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