Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 17 August 2010
White guy banned from store for speaking English
A white man has be banned for speaking English at his local 7 eleven. Abduul yacmar said something we did not understand in a statement this morning. The white man may face a hate crime charge.
The Buck N' Duck!
New restaurant in Bear Wallow, Kentucky won't make it. They ask you to sign a waiver before you get your food.
Rachel Maddow's girlfriend broke up with her.
A freind of the family said in a statement. Rachel knows Glen Beck is behind this, and she will expose him on her show tonight, to all 6 of her viewers.
DNA Evidense Really Thorough
DNA evidence reveals 6,000-yr-old caveman died slowly as he apparently tried to set a pile of dinosaur shit on neighbor's cave front on fire, using flint found near-by, when inhaling fumes got him.
Pakistan Had Bin Laden
Osama Bin Laden captured by Pakistan forces. He's held briefly for some questioning, then released on his own recognizance.
Wiffle Ball League?
Steroids so bad in Major League Baseball that the wind off a batter missing swing can bloop a hit over the infield.
Gasoline $15 A Gallon?
Israel has nine days to destroy nuke site. Israel has ten days to become nuke site!
NYC Motto Not Working
New York's new motto "Come for the Museums; stay 'cause you can urinate on a train!" not working well.
Those that bought the exercise equipment from late night infomercial, "The Bedmill", contact Attorney Bill Adams at 757-999-1212 Concerning a class action lawsuit as no one lost weight from product.
Florida man sues hospital for waking up during surgery. Says he overheard, "You mean it was the first patient who needed the toe taken off? Let's see that sucker again. No, try the other pocket."
The Hershets Chocolate has decided to eliminate their "Mr. Goodcock" candy bars.
Israel Under Attack!
An Israeli woman on the way to a shop was scared by a noise she heard, The Israeli army rightly took action and bombed several random homes in Gaza and Lebanon
Deflation Spurs One Sector Of Economy!
Rumor fears of coming deflation has Levitra, Viagra, Cialis and peter pumps jumping off the shelves.
Report Always Coinsides With Census
Latest results: Grains of sand far ahead of number of stars in the sky thus far. Counters to report back in ten more years.
California Economy Reeling
California economy still on the skids as Gov. Schwarzenegger gropes around for some answers. Reports: "Just soft things, mostly!"
Richard's Has Nose Operation
Rolling Stones Tour put off after Keith Richards snorts his mother in laws ashes and melted belt buckle.
Saudis Are Honored
President Obama honors Saudi Arabia for honoring oil contracts over 50 years and fostering terrorism for 25.
Two Californians were found guilty yesterday and given 5 years for selling cocaine, 10 more years for using plastic bags.
Paintings Well Hung
New cave drawing in France show that knuckles weren't the only things Cave Men drug on the ground.
In Science Report, Homo Erectus now believed to be the first gay men as newly discovered tail bones were wider.
Just Like 1887 Confederate Bills Here
Greece: Metal box with old 55 BCE dated currency discovered. Believed to be counterfeit.
Cuting Size Of Words!
In a cost-cutting move, publishers of The New York Times will sum up the day's news and ads in ten pages. Will furnish magnetizing glass.
Boil That Water
Heath authorities in Bear Wallow, Kentucky are now under advice to boil all bottled water after worm found in one.
Forgot To Feed Them
Fact that 100 monkeys in a room full of typewriters could not produce one sentence blamed on human error.
I'll Take This Sandwich & Blow Your Head Off!
Customer who pretended sandwich was a gun in his pocket and fools Subway robber, called a Hero.
They Come, They Go!
Hollywood Newsmakers report that overnight sensation missing all day today, after having himself quite a night.
Everyone Is OK
Alaska's bridge to nowhere collapses..no one is hurt. Spotted from the air.
Baby Boomers Unhappy
Survey: Baby Boomers less happy than older, younger generations! Possibly because they are taking care of 30-year-0ld kids, 75-year-old parents.
Second Reader Test Puzzling
Surgeons stumped after second volunteer reads book to them during brain surgery, only this time it's in Klingon.
Animal Study Finished
Study: Dogs seem to be loyal to humansbeings. Cats are neutral. Most other animals think we're wasters and idiots.
Plenty More On The Way!
Huge cheer and firing bullets into the air among moslem men as paradise announces the successful cloning of virgins.
Victory in Afghanistan Almost Certain
Victory in Afghanistan almost certain say Taliban. "Like always, we just have to drag the war out for years."
Osama Bib Laden's Chief Cook & Bottle Washer convicted for being Osama Bin Laden's Chief Cook & Bottle Washer!
Poll: Nearly 75% of all Americans approve of giant windmills producing energy. Just not at their home area.
Enough For Santa Photographs
Scientists say that there should be a little ice at the North & South Poles after five more years.
Stay Out Of Politics
Mexico City mayor demands cardinal apologize for calling him a crook. Only my political opponents are allowed to do that."
Not Humiliating Arab
Israeli says she didn't humiliate Arab on Facebook. "We were just screwing around."
Legalize Cocaine, Tax It Heavy
Top UK doctor: 'Legalize cocaine', before I have to break the law.
Health Care Rolette
Breast cancer drug decision 'marks start of death panels' under the Health Care Laws. Dart board board seen being carried in.
Another Oily Mess
Israel has '3 days to hit Iran nuke site. If not, nuke site may hit them.
Israel attack Turkish Embassy in Tel Aviv!
Israel have implemented a policy of ethnic cleansing in their own back yard and have started with the Turks. "After all they did attempt to break our blockade, imbeciles" said ex-general Moshe Dayan!
Man hung child molester from tree in front yard for 2 weeks!
Apparently no one gave a shit, he was taken down after he started to decay and stink. The police dept. said, no charges will be filed.
In a staggering turn of events every microphone in the UK has stopped working en masse. A shocked Harold Mousemat, director at UK Microphone Warehouse, said " ".
13,000 illegal mexicans crossed the border today!
The White House said in a statement, that this is 4 less than yesterday. Obama was quick to say that I told you we were on top of this problem. Also 4 more jobs have been created by the stimulus.
Terrorist mastermind refuses to blow self up and is given hero status!
Mohhamed something says it is because of my strong will that I am able to wait for my 72 Virgins, but I need to be here to show others, the proper technique in blowing themselves up.
New report on the economy has sluts scared!
Economist say we are in a downward spiral. Even street sluts are feeling the pinch. One slut said she is offering a buy one, get one free blow job, just to make enough money for cigarettes.
Nuclear armed Israel finally succeeded in killing every single Arab and taking over the world
DUMBO tries to kill himself (AGAIN)
After years of being teased the big eared elephant tried to end it all last night. Police say his hand was to big to pull the trigger on the gun. Leaving one more reason to make fun of the dumbass.
Married Gays in Calfornia must get divorced!
All married gay couples in California are being forced to get divorced because they're not really married? Most of them are quite happy to become single again actually, they miss the multi "bum" life!
Signed, sealed, dead...
A man who tried to send himself to Corfu to save holiday expenses has died after sealing himself in a box before realising he couldn't carry himself to the Post Office.
Well known celebrities are three times more likely to appear in celebrity tittle-tattle magazines than unknown mechanics called Dave from Preston accordingly to a new study in Celebrity Bollocks Mag.
Former Bolton Wanderers manager, Gary Megson, claims to have invented gravity and the spreadsheet.
Pie contest winners outraged
Winners of pie eating contests across Europe are incensed after discovering their statistics have been collated and displayed using a bar chart and not a pie chart.
Playboy, Penthouse Laying Off Writers
Playboy and Penthouse forced to lay off all but one writer working for both, due to bad economy. Four laid off writers headed for TheSpoof.
U.S Health Care Improving?
Study: America leads over 160 other countries in health care, including Haiti, Cuba and Rwanda.
Maybe Open Restaurants
Graduating students in America headed for China. Will work on railroad system, laundromats.
What's in a name?
New evidence from the German Cheese Board suggests people called Peter are twice as likely to have their name shortened to 'Pete' than people called Alison.
Uk pensions set to suffer
Pension payouts in the UK are set to fall so dramatically over the next decade that the Pensions Advisory Service is urging people to stop working immediately or they could be hit.
Police in Totnes have arrested a man carrying a handgun. Police Chief, Pat McShakey, told us that's what the police do, it's their job. The man was held in custardy but the gun was released on bail.
Scientists warn of killer vegetable
Top scientists have today confirmed that parsnips can cause heart failure. This follows last week's report of Jeff Randyman who was stabbed in the heart by a parsnip-weilding madman.
Hats off to Derek
Master hatter, Derek Nubbs, celebrated his 123rd birthday in style by lifting off his hat to allow local press reporters a piss easy headline.
England winger sues
Man City and England star, Adam Johnson, and his brother (not named) have confirmed they will be taking action against Johnson & Johnson following allegations of trademark infringement.
Coyle backs coil
Bolton Wanderers manager Owen Coyle will appear in a public awareness campaign to promote the use of the contraceptive coil following his successful ads for johnnys.
Majority Support Now?
Majority of Americans Now Support Gay Marriage! "Why should gays get out of paying alimony?", asks one.
Please Don't Hire Him
Fed up flight attendant applies for a new job at post office.
Residents of Paris, France are 87% more likely to be French than Alaskan.
Barnsley pet owners warned
Pet lovers in the South Yorkshire resort of Barnsley are being reminded to keep all hippos in doors during the forthcoming September mating season.
Driving safety standards drop
Road safety experts claim driving without glasses can cause accidents particularly if you have bad eyesight and normally wear glasses.
Wild Widow Taken Down A Notch
Widow faces £2,500 fine... for dropping cigarette ash on pavement, picking up only 90%.
Lots Of Nurcing Facilities Out There
Pensioner, 83, facing eviction from the council house he's lived in for 74 years to make way for a 'family in need'. "You're just taking up dead space here."
Legalise heroin and cocaine to cut crime and improve health, top doctor says. "Lots of drugs out there that users will die from and leave hospitals free to treat regular patient."
Battery Chickens solve world energy crisis
Battery Chickens are set to be hooked up to the grid, to the dismay of animal right activists. Prof. Wimple, inventor of the idea said: "Now they can do something more useful than just laying eggs!"
Arizona Sues FTC For Unproven Attack
FTC sues Ariz. company over acai pill free trials. Governor says Obama, Washington trying best to attack state.
Blood Pressure Drug Withdrawn
FDA moves to withdraw unproven blood pressure drug that are imported from Nigeria.
Military Rocket Stationary
Advanced military satellite launches into orbit. It will stay in orbit over Iran, North Korea.
We Have Jekyl Island, Many Beautiful Coasts!
Ga. scientists: Gulf oil not gone, 80 pct remains in Gulf. Come to Georgia for your vacations.
Look For Big Gas Price Leap
Oil up to near $76 in Europe amid economic worries. "Wait till we up it to $300 a barrel", says new Nuclear Iran.
China: Lead Found In Lead
Pentagon: China's military power growing as we purchase more and more of their products.
Gov't probing steering problems in 2010 Kia Soul that many drunks say are making it even harder to get home safely.
Reid Against Obama
Democrat Senate Leader Senator Reid against plan to build mosque near ground zero. "President shut have kept yap shut."
More Talk, Less Done
AP Enterprise: Old-style coal plants expanding as nuclear power plants planning, alternative energy slows.
Corrupt Nigerians? Surely Not!
Report: Bribes fuel corruption in Nigeria police! News catches most not giving a shit.
News outlets split in describing mosque. NBC: Beautiful gentle people. FOX: Satanic Terrorists with meat cleavers!
Big Hefty Nurses Wanted!
Aging inmates straining prison systems as nurses now being hired after weigh-lifting program.
Be Sure To Take Alternate Route
Work will close heavy traffic on Chicago's O'Hare Airport runway!
Special report on flipping, flopping and booming mortgage fraud says there's a lot of flipping, flopping & mortgage fraud going on.
Dems: Hillary Looking Better Everyday
Obama rallies for Sen. Murray as voters hit polls. "Let Hillary take care of all that overseas mess!"
First Things First
Obama rallies for Sen. Murray as voters hit polls while Iran goes nuclear, NKorea threatens Skorea, US and Israel, Syria, Hezbollah stock aired weapons.
Lead Found In Grapes
Wal-Mart 2Q profit rises 3.6 pct on cost-cutting after purchasing most products from China, Mexico, Brazil, etc.
Longer Gay Honeymoons?
Calif. gays must wait to wed during Prop 8 appeal but many are heading there anyway.
Iran-Israeli War Could Mean $15 A Gallon Gas
Saudi Arabia has landing area ready for any Israeli planes in case they need it. Everybody still whistling in the dark as nukes arrive in Iran.
Terrorists Tapes Found
AP Exclusive: Terrorist tapes found under CIA desk, slipped in there by terrorists.
Tribute To Those Lost
Some NYC police and firemen say privately they will not guard Ground Zero mosque if anything happens.
Not Even Being Built Yet
News outlets split in describing mosque somewhere between "Work of Satan & Paradise!"
Older Prisoners Home
Aging inmates straining prison systems. "They're now banging bed pans, urinal bottles against the bars."
No Catch And Release Here
Aging inmates straining prison systems. "We're opening nursing homes inside the walls", say wardens.
Changes Every 2-3 Years
Wear wristwatch? Use e-mail? Not for Class of '14. Those are so 'yesterday'. So are they, in a few more years.
Who Would Do Such A Blockheaded Thing?
On Facebook: Israeli soldier posed with bound Arab, condemned by US military.
No Private Security Firms
Afghan leader issues ban on private security firms. "We have enough trouble telling who's who among our own people."
Survival expert Bear Grylls dies in port a potty
After years of pretending to shit in the woods, Bears lies caught up with him. The door became jammed, and he was overtaken by the fumes from his own shit. More to follow on this story.
New device made for when wife is out of town
This device will belittle you, bitch non stop, complain of headaches, and interrupt every movie you attempt to watch. The makers say you will never know she left.
Made by Women of America
Wal Mart has just bought 1 million scooters for their stores
Wal Mart CEO says these scooters are put in place so all the fat people can get all the way through the store. Before this purchase those fat bastards have been limited to the food isle.
Gay man starves to death
A gay man has died from starvation after banning to many anti gay establishments, leaving him no where to buy food. The gay council has put a ban on banning buisnesses.
NASA Loses Asteroid
NASA loses track of asteroid heading straight toward earth as it's funding cut back to provide Michelle Obama's vacation in Spain!
All Families The Same.
Fight at the dinner table by two Taliban families leads to 5 blowing themselves up!
King Burning Up Keyboards
Writer Stephen King announces that from now on his books will be written and sold by the yard!
Atheists rally Sunday in New York's Central Park saying that "This Is The End". "Now What Happens?"
Man convicted of hate crime after injuring self
A half white, half black guy was convicted of a hate crime after he fell and hurt himself. The D.A said because he hurt the black half, he had to charge him with a hate crime.
Over Twenty One Miles
Man breaks record for texting while driving, neck.
New study links married men to frequent hand injuries.
New study finds that married men are more likely to have hand injuries from lack of sex, causing them to masterbate way to much. The hand is not made to take this kind of abuse.
NEWSWEEK: World's Best Country: Finland [USA #11]. Newsweek: We'll be moving there by the end of the year.
China Favoring Euros
China Favoring Euros Over Dollars. "Have ten warehouses of dollars, only three of euros.
Tune In, Turn On, Drop Out!
Obama speech "Let's Reach For Hope" about as abstract as the other ones.
Funded By Obamacare
Scientific study proves that the oldest in the family has the longest penis, unless they're women.
Cherry Picking the US Constitution
The Democratic liberal left selectively cites the US Constitution, e.g. first amendment, when it fits their agenda. When it comes to the second amendment or illegal immigration, they are silent!
New Old Show Reopens
The "Gay Divorce" (Cole Porter 1934) Broadway musical is to reopen in San Francisco CA in late 2010. However, the story line in today's world will be completely different!
Best of Friends
DEMOCRAT: My Republican friend "what is the best thing you can say about President Obama?" REPUBLICAN: My Democratic friend the best thing I can say is "one term president!"
Divorce Capitols of the USA
Reno NV is the legendary divorce capitol of the USA. The following cities have also been suggested for both straight & same sex divorces: French Lick IA, Climax MI, Big Bone Lick KY & Assawoman VA.
New DOT Regulation
DOT officials are proposing a regulation that all USA commodes be required to have seatbelts. Studies show that women are twice as likely to have a rollover accident then men!
Same Sex Divorce
Divorce lawyers considering the problem of same sex divorce. What constitutes adultery in same sex marriages, in jurisdictions defining it as extramarital relations with someone of the opposite sex?
Politics Makes for Strange Bed Fellows
President Obama is for building the Mosque near "Ground Zero" in NYC. SML Reid is against building the Mosque. The Republicans are against building the Mosque. HS Pelosi where are you?
Taxpayers Turning Green
A Democratic liberal left environmentalist married a Democratic liberal left Keynesian economist, both work for the Obama administration. We have a major recession the USA is green with rage over!
Get Spoof News in your email inbox!