Order by:
Rating:

White guy banned from store for speaking English

A white man has be banned for speaking English at his local 7 eleven. Abduul yacmar said something we did not understand in a statement this morning. The white man may face a hate crime charge.

written by High Higgler, 17 August 2010
Rating:

The Buck N' Duck!

New restaurant in Bear Wallow, Kentucky won't make it. They ask you to sign a waiver before you get your food.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Rachel Maddow's girlfriend broke up with her.

A freind of the family said in a statement. Rachel knows Glen Beck is behind this, and she will expose him on her show tonight, to all 6 of her viewers.

written by High Higgler, 17 August 2010
Rating:

DNA Evidense Really Thorough

DNA evidence reveals 6,000-yr-old caveman died slowly as he apparently tried to set a pile of dinosaur shit on neighbor's cave front on fire, using flint found near-by, when inhaling fumes got him.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Pakistan Had Bin Laden

Osama Bin Laden captured by Pakistan forces. He's held briefly for some questioning, then released on his own recognizance.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Wiffle Ball League?

Steroids so bad in Major League Baseball that the wind off a batter missing swing can bloop a hit over the infield.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Gasoline $15 A Gallon?

Israel has nine days to destroy nuke site. Israel has ten days to become nuke site!

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

NYC Motto Not Working

New York's new motto "Come for the Museums; stay 'cause you can urinate on a train!" not working well.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Didn't Work

Those that bought the exercise equipment from late night infomercial, "The Bedmill", contact Attorney Bill Adams at 757-999-1212 Concerning a class action lawsuit as no one lost weight from product.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Hospital Sued

Florida man sues hospital for waking up during surgery. Says he overheard, "You mean it was the first patient who needed the toe taken off? Let's see that sucker again. No, try the other pocket."

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Candy Recall

The Hershets Chocolate has decided to eliminate their "Mr. Goodcock" candy bars.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Israel Under Attack!

An Israeli woman on the way to a shop was scared by a noise she heard, The Israeli army rightly took action and bombed several random homes in Gaza and Lebanon

written by brokenbritain, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Deflation Spurs One Sector Of Economy!

Rumor fears of coming deflation has Levitra, Viagra, Cialis and peter pumps jumping off the shelves.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Report Always Coinsides With Census

Latest results: Grains of sand far ahead of number of stars in the sky thus far. Counters to report back in ten more years.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

California Economy Reeling

California economy still on the skids as Gov. Schwarzenegger gropes around for some answers. Reports: "Just soft things, mostly!"

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Richard's Has Nose Operation

Rolling Stones Tour put off after Keith Richards snorts his mother in laws ashes and melted belt buckle.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Saudis Are Honored

President Obama honors Saudi Arabia for honoring oil contracts over 50 years and fostering terrorism for 25.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

15-Year Sentence!

Two Californians were found guilty yesterday and given 5 years for selling cocaine, 10 more years for using plastic bags.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Paintings Well Hung

New cave drawing in France show that knuckles weren't the only things Cave Men drug on the ground.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

New Theory

In Science Report, Homo Erectus now believed to be the first gay men as newly discovered tail bones were wider.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Just Like 1887 Confederate Bills Here

Greece: Metal box with old 55 BCE dated currency discovered. Believed to be counterfeit.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Cuting Size Of Words!

In a cost-cutting move, publishers of The New York Times will sum up the day's news and ads in ten pages. Will furnish magnetizing glass.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Boil That Water

Heath authorities in Bear Wallow, Kentucky are now under advice to boil all bottled water after worm found in one.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Forgot To Feed Them

Fact that 100 monkeys in a room full of typewriters could not produce one sentence blamed on human error.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

I'll Take This Sandwich & Blow Your Head Off!

Customer who pretended sandwich was a gun in his pocket and fools Subway robber, called a Hero.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

They Come, They Go!

Hollywood Newsmakers report that overnight sensation missing all day today, after having himself quite a night.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Everyone Is OK

Alaska's bridge to nowhere collapses..no one is hurt. Spotted from the air.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Baby Boomers Unhappy

Survey: Baby Boomers less happy than older, younger generations! Possibly because they are taking care of 30-year-0ld kids, 75-year-old parents.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Second Reader Test Puzzling

Surgeons stumped after second volunteer reads book to them during brain surgery, only this time it's in Klingon.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Animal Study Finished

Study: Dogs seem to be loyal to humansbeings. Cats are neutral. Most other animals think we're wasters and idiots.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Plenty More On The Way!

Huge cheer and firing bullets into the air among moslem men as paradise announces the successful cloning of virgins.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Victory in Afghanistan Almost Certain

Victory in Afghanistan almost certain say Taliban. "Like always, we just have to drag the war out for years."

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

He Confessed

Osama Bib Laden's Chief Cook & Bottle Washer convicted for being Osama Bin Laden's Chief Cook & Bottle Washer!

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Wind Energy

Poll: Nearly 75% of all Americans approve of giant windmills producing energy. Just not at their home area.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Enough For Santa Photographs

Scientists say that there should be a little ice at the North & South Poles after five more years.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Stay Out Of Politics

Mexico City mayor demands cardinal apologize for calling him a crook. Only my political opponents are allowed to do that."

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Not Humiliating Arab

Israeli says she didn't humiliate Arab on Facebook. "We were just screwing around."

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Legalize Cocaine, Tax It Heavy

Top UK doctor: 'Legalize cocaine', before I have to break the law.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Health Care Rolette

Breast cancer drug decision 'marks start of death panels' under the Health Care Laws. Dart board board seen being carried in.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Another Oily Mess

Israel has '3 days to hit Iran nuke site. If not, nuke site may hit them.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Israel attack Turkish Embassy in Tel Aviv!

Israel have implemented a policy of ethnic cleansing in their own back yard and have started with the Turks. "After all they did attempt to break our blockade, imbeciles" said ex-general Moshe Dayan!

written by Jaggedone, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Man hung child molester from tree in front yard for 2 weeks!

Apparently no one gave a shit, he was taken down after he started to decay and stink. The police dept. said, no charges will be filed.

written by High Higgler, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Microphone theft

In a staggering turn of events every microphone in the UK has stopped working en masse. A shocked Harold Mousemat, director at UK Microphone Warehouse, said " ".

written by breezeblock, 17 August 2010
Rating:

13,000 illegal mexicans crossed the border today!

The White House said in a statement, that this is 4 less than yesterday. Obama was quick to say that I told you we were on top of this problem. Also 4 more jobs have been created by the stimulus.

written by High Higgler, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Terrorist mastermind refuses to blow self up and is given hero status!

Mohhamed something says it is because of my strong will that I am able to wait for my 72 Virgins, but I need to be here to show others, the proper technique in blowing themselves up.

written by High Higgler, 17 August 2010
Rating:

New report on the economy has sluts scared!

Economist say we are in a downward spiral. Even street sluts are feeling the pinch. One slut said she is offering a buy one, get one free blow job, just to make enough money for cigarettes.

written by High Higgler, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Israeli Invasion

Nuclear armed Israel finally succeeded in killing every single Arab and taking over the world

written by brokenbritain, 17 August 2010
Rating:

DUMBO tries to kill himself (AGAIN)

After years of being teased the big eared elephant tried to end it all last night. Police say his hand was to big to pull the trigger on the gun. Leaving one more reason to make fun of the dumbass.

written by High Higgler, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Married Gays in Calfornia must get divorced!

All married gay couples in California are being forced to get divorced because they're not really married? Most of them are quite happy to become single again actually, they miss the multi "bum" life!

written by Jaggedone, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Signed, sealed, dead...

A man who tried to send himself to Corfu to save holiday expenses has died after sealing himself in a box before realising he couldn't carry himself to the Post Office.

written by breezeblock, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Big break

Well known celebrities are three times more likely to appear in celebrity tittle-tattle magazines than unknown mechanics called Dave from Preston accordingly to a new study in Celebrity Bollocks Mag.

written by breezeblock, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Crazy man-ager

Former Bolton Wanderers manager, Gary Megson, claims to have invented gravity and the spreadsheet.

written by breezeblock, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Pie contest winners outraged

Winners of pie eating contests across Europe are incensed after discovering their statistics have been collated and displayed using a bar chart and not a pie chart.

written by breezeblock, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Playboy, Penthouse Laying Off Writers

Playboy and Penthouse forced to lay off all but one writer working for both, due to bad economy. Four laid off writers headed for TheSpoof.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

U.S Health Care Improving?

Study: America leads over 160 other countries in health care, including Haiti, Cuba and Rwanda.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Maybe Open Restaurants

Graduating students in America headed for China. Will work on railroad system, laundromats.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

What's in a name?

New evidence from the German Cheese Board suggests people called Peter are twice as likely to have their name shortened to 'Pete' than people called Alison.

written by breezeblock, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Uk pensions set to suffer

Pension payouts in the UK are set to fall so dramatically over the next decade that the Pensions Advisory Service is urging people to stop working immediately or they could be hit.

written by breezeblock, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Gunman apprehended

Police in Totnes have arrested a man carrying a handgun. Police Chief, Pat McShakey, told us that's what the police do, it's their job. The man was held in custardy but the gun was released on bail.

written by breezeblock, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Scientists warn of killer vegetable

Top scientists have today confirmed that parsnips can cause heart failure. This follows last week's report of Jeff Randyman who was stabbed in the heart by a parsnip-weilding madman.

written by breezeblock, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Hats off to Derek

Master hatter, Derek Nubbs, celebrated his 123rd birthday in style by lifting off his hat to allow local press reporters a piss easy headline.

written by breezeblock, 17 August 2010
Rating:

England winger sues

Man City and England star, Adam Johnson, and his brother (not named) have confirmed they will be taking action against Johnson & Johnson following allegations of trademark infringement.

written by breezeblock, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Coyle backs coil

Bolton Wanderers manager Owen Coyle will appear in a public awareness campaign to promote the use of the contraceptive coil following his successful ads for johnnys.

written by breezeblock, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Majority Support Now?

Majority of Americans Now Support Gay Marriage! "Why should gays get out of paying alimony?", asks one.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Please Don't Hire Him

Fed up flight attendant applies for a new job at post office.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Census results

Residents of Paris, France are 87% more likely to be French than Alaskan.

written by breezeblock, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Barnsley pet owners warned

Pet lovers in the South Yorkshire resort of Barnsley are being reminded to keep all hippos in doors during the forthcoming September mating season.

written by breezeblock, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Driving safety standards drop

Road safety experts claim driving without glasses can cause accidents particularly if you have bad eyesight and normally wear glasses.

written by breezeblock, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Wild Widow Taken Down A Notch

Widow faces £2,500 fine... for dropping cigarette ash on pavement, picking up only 90%.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Lots Of Nurcing Facilities Out There

Pensioner, 83, facing eviction from the council house he's lived in for 74 years to make way for a 'family in need'. "You're just taking up dead space here."

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Legalise Drugs?

Legalise heroin and cocaine to cut crime and improve health, top doctor says. "Lots of drugs out there that users will die from and leave hospitals free to treat regular patient."

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Battery Chickens solve world energy crisis

Battery Chickens are set to be hooked up to the grid, to the dismay of animal right activists. Prof. Wimple, inventor of the idea said: "Now they can do something more useful than just laying eggs!"

written by IainB, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Arizona Sues FTC For Unproven Attack

FTC sues Ariz. company over acai pill free trials. Governor says Obama, Washington trying best to attack state.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Blood Pressure Drug Withdrawn

FDA moves to withdraw unproven blood pressure drug that are imported from Nigeria.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Military Rocket Stationary

Advanced military satellite launches into orbit. It will stay in orbit over Iran, North Korea.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

We Have Jekyl Island, Many Beautiful Coasts!

Ga. scientists: Gulf oil not gone, 80 pct remains in Gulf. Come to Georgia for your vacations.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Look For Big Gas Price Leap

Oil up to near $76 in Europe amid economic worries. "Wait till we up it to $300 a barrel", says new Nuclear Iran.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

China: Lead Found In Lead

Pentagon: China's military power growing as we purchase more and more of their products.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Double Trouble

Gov't probing steering problems in 2010 Kia Soul that many drunks say are making it even harder to get home safely.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Reid Against Obama

Democrat Senate Leader Senator Reid against plan to build mosque near ground zero. "President shut have kept yap shut."

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

More Talk, Less Done

AP Enterprise: Old-style coal plants expanding as nuclear power plants planning, alternative energy slows.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Corrupt Nigerians? Surely Not!

Report: Bribes fuel corruption in Nigeria police! News catches most not giving a shit.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Difference Coverage

News outlets split in describing mosque. NBC: Beautiful gentle people. FOX: Satanic Terrorists with meat cleavers!

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Big Hefty Nurses Wanted!

Aging inmates straining prison systems as nurses now being hired after weigh-lifting program.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Be Sure To Take Alternate Route

Work will close heavy traffic on Chicago's O'Hare Airport runway!

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Special Report!

Special report on flipping, flopping and booming mortgage fraud says there's a lot of flipping, flopping & mortgage fraud going on.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Dems: Hillary Looking Better Everyday

Obama rallies for Sen. Murray as voters hit polls. "Let Hillary take care of all that overseas mess!"

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

First Things First

Obama rallies for Sen. Murray as voters hit polls while Iran goes nuclear, NKorea threatens Skorea, US and Israel, Syria, Hezbollah stock aired weapons.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Lead Found In Grapes

Wal-Mart 2Q profit rises 3.6 pct on cost-cutting after purchasing most products from China, Mexico, Brazil, etc.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Longer Gay Honeymoons?

Calif. gays must wait to wed during Prop 8 appeal but many are heading there anyway.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Iran-Israeli War Could Mean $15 A Gallon Gas

Saudi Arabia has landing area ready for any Israeli planes in case they need it. Everybody still whistling in the dark as nukes arrive in Iran.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Terrorists Tapes Found

AP Exclusive: Terrorist tapes found under CIA desk, slipped in there by terrorists.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Tribute To Those Lost

Some NYC police and firemen say privately they will not guard Ground Zero mosque if anything happens.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Not Even Being Built Yet

News outlets split in describing mosque somewhere between "Work of Satan & Paradise!"

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Older Prisoners Home

Aging inmates straining prison systems. "They're now banging bed pans, urinal bottles against the bars."

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

No Catch And Release Here

Aging inmates straining prison systems. "We're opening nursing homes inside the walls", say wardens.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Changes Every 2-3 Years

Wear wristwatch? Use e-mail? Not for Class of '14. Those are so 'yesterday'. So are they, in a few more years.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Who Would Do Such A Blockheaded Thing?

On Facebook: Israeli soldier posed with bound Arab, condemned by US military.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

No Private Security Firms

Afghan leader issues ban on private security firms. "We have enough trouble telling who's who among our own people."

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Survival expert Bear Grylls dies in port a potty

After years of pretending to shit in the woods, Bears lies caught up with him. The door became jammed, and he was overtaken by the fumes from his own shit. More to follow on this story.

written by High Higgler, 17 August 2010
Rating:

New device made for when wife is out of town

This device will belittle you, bitch non stop, complain of headaches, and interrupt every movie you attempt to watch. The makers say you will never know she left.
Made by Women of America

written by High Higgler, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Wal Mart has just bought 1 million scooters for their stores

Wal Mart CEO says these scooters are put in place so all the fat people can get all the way through the store. Before this purchase those fat bastards have been limited to the food isle.

written by High Higgler, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Gay man starves to death

A gay man has died from starvation after banning to many anti gay establishments, leaving him no where to buy food. The gay council has put a ban on banning buisnesses.

written by High Higgler, 17 August 2010
Rating:

NASA Loses Asteroid

NASA loses track of asteroid heading straight toward earth as it's funding cut back to provide Michelle Obama's vacation in Spain!

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

All Families The Same.

Fight at the dinner table by two Taliban families leads to 5 blowing themselves up!

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

King Burning Up Keyboards

Writer Stephen King announces that from now on his books will be written and sold by the yard!

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Atheist Rally

Atheists rally Sunday in New York's Central Park saying that "This Is The End". "Now What Happens?"

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Man convicted of hate crime after injuring self

A half white, half black guy was convicted of a hate crime after he fell and hurt himself. The D.A said because he hurt the black half, he had to charge him with a hate crime.

written by High Higgler, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Over Twenty One Miles

Man breaks record for texting while driving, neck.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

New study links married men to frequent hand injuries.

New study finds that married men are more likely to have hand injuries from lack of sex, causing them to masterbate way to much. The hand is not made to take this kind of abuse.

written by High Higgler, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Newsweek Moving

NEWSWEEK: World's Best Country: Finland [USA #11]. Newsweek: We'll be moving there by the end of the year.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

China Favoring Euros

China Favoring Euros Over Dollars. "Have ten warehouses of dollars, only three of euros.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Tune In, Turn On, Drop Out!

Obama speech "Let's Reach For Hope" about as abstract as the other ones.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Funded By Obamacare

Scientific study proves that the oldest in the family has the longest penis, unless they're women.

written by Bureau, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Cherry Picking the US Constitution

The Democratic liberal left selectively cites the US Constitution, e.g. first amendment, when it fits their agenda. When it comes to the second amendment or illegal immigration, they are silent!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 17 August 2010
Rating:

New Old Show Reopens

The "Gay Divorce" (Cole Porter 1934) Broadway musical is to reopen in San Francisco CA in late 2010. However, the story line in today's world will be completely different!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Best of Friends

DEMOCRAT: My Republican friend "what is the best thing you can say about President Obama?" REPUBLICAN: My Democratic friend the best thing I can say is "one term president!"

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Divorce Capitols of the USA

Reno NV is the legendary divorce capitol of the USA. The following cities have also been suggested for both straight & same sex divorces: French Lick IA, Climax MI, Big Bone Lick KY & Assawoman VA.

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 17 August 2010
Rating:

New DOT Regulation

DOT officials are proposing a regulation that all USA commodes be required to have seatbelts. Studies show that women are twice as likely to have a rollover accident then men!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Same Sex Divorce

Divorce lawyers considering the problem of same sex divorce. What constitutes adultery in same sex marriages, in jurisdictions defining it as extramarital relations with someone of the opposite sex?

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Politics Makes for Strange Bed Fellows

President Obama is for building the Mosque near "Ground Zero" in NYC. SML Reid is against building the Mosque. The Republicans are against building the Mosque. HS Pelosi where are you?

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 17 August 2010
Rating:

Taxpayers Turning Green

A Democratic liberal left environmentalist married a Democratic liberal left Keynesian economist, both work for the Obama administration. We have a major recession the USA is green with rage over!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 17 August 2010
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