Spoof news snippets from Sunday 15 August 2010
Non-Voters Have Their Say
In the latest polls, the undecided non-voters say they may just sit this one out too. More fun to criticize everything later.
Curator Finks On Mona
The Mona Lisa is showing signs of aging says museum curator. "She has has PMS late at night. Oh your should hear her."
Both Keeping Fit!
Cauliflower, Spinach Found to keep women's brains sharp as they age. Men still on ginseng, oysters and rhino horn.
Might Not Be Nice
Paleontologists say Neanderthals may have had words for women but that they can't be printed here as these have been passed down to today's Neanderthals. Plus, they have been sold to a rap group.
Cammph I helph you?
WalMart employees dismissed for eating food while in the store say they can't buy enough food on their wages.
May Have To Talk By Closed TV
Bipartisanship between the GOP and Dems in the Senate and Congress leaves two black eyes, one bloody nose and one split lip.
But We Have A Bad Copy.
A spokesman for the White House say that President Obama's birth certificate has disappeared.
Experts on "Chicken abuse" say that you can blame it on only a few bad colonels.
Man burns down house because wife did not dinner ready
When asked why he did this the man replied. The bitch went on a diet. I only married her cause she was fat, and I new she could cook.
No Seahorses in Navy
There were three horses on a ship including a sick bay.
Obama has bad case of the shits.
After a recent attack of the shits. White House press secretary Robert Gibbs had this to say. We dont know how this happened, but we are sure that it is George Bush's fault.
800 people wrongly convicted of terrorism because they were named Mohhamed
The FBI says their are only 3 Muslims on the planet not named Mohhamed. FBI spokesman says, we are looking into the problem to see where mistakes have been made.
China Recalls American Flags
China recalls over 10,000 American flags. Say they were meant for Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran. We got the ones doused in gasoline and dried.
Inside A Bomber!
Suicide bomber that backed out says they had to go through several doctor's exams before they blew up. "I guess that was to make sure we wouldn't have a heart attack on the way."
Circus Takes on New Act
Lowton Brothers Circus in Lancashire have hired a new contortionist from the Philippines. The Filipino will be known as "The Manila Folder"
War may end up costing $1.9 trillion, more than the last ten Obama family vacations put together.
It Was Beginning To Lean Friday
Oil still not leaking from BP well in the Gulf. However, one off-shore bank finally sank during the night.
Got a Winner Here
Republicans, Democrats schedule meetings with PLO, Israel.
McCain Being McCain
If he runs again for president in 2012, John Mccain says that he would not name Sarah Palin as his running mate. Instead, according to NBC, he would choose Snooki.
Kirstie Alley seen at local Seven Eleven pushing around a full shopping cart once again. Hadn't been seen there since yesterday.
"It Always Cheers Me Up!"
Barbara Bush doing well, shows reporters of young George Bush's old school "connect the dots puzzle" where he somehow made anvil out of a horse.
Could Be A Plus!
Kirstie Alley being interviewed outdoors by Michael Moore accused of blotting out the sun. "If Limbaugh arrives, there goes the global warming."
Full Body Scan Monthly #1
Full Body Scan Monthly to publish their first issue the coming December, just in time for the holidays.
Have Your Choice
Women may now choose to do the full body scan at airports or booty scan on copier.
President Barack Obama has apparently given muslims in Washington the right to build a mosque outside wall of Pentagon!
A warning in New York has been issued after a Nigerian came here to hide after selling al-Qaida the Brooklyn Bridge.
Today President Obama reversed his speech yesterday saying that he respected the family & friends of those killed on 911 & is now against the building a mosque there. "Although I could be wrong."
Burt Let Off The Hook
Lonnie Anderson is letting ex-hubby BURT REYNOLDS Burt Reynolds off the hook for $400,000 in back child support. "He's wanting to marry some guy named Ernie."
"The marriage of Miss Norma Snockers and Willie Bendit, which was announced on this Website a few weeks ago, was a mistake which we wish to correct."
Crouchy Reveals How He Wows The Ladies
Apparently, it's the robot dance. They can't get enough of it.
New York Yankee star, A-Rod hits three home runs, ass denies that he's on steroids.
Mark Lowton seems to have ran off the one-star bandit from TheSpoof, by changing to a 'Thumbs Up" symbol. Even if he tries, someone will easily spot a guy with one thumb.
Mark Lowton seems to have ran off the one-star bandit from TheSpoof, by changing to a 'Thumbs Up" symbol. Either that or One-Thumb is gone for the weekend.
Warning Didn't Help
A warning was given out to all those visiting Haiti, including Bush & Clinton, to avoid the bathrooms. Both report that it was impossible (Clinton), impassible (Bush).
Former President Bush says he's been mostly sitting at home since trip with Clinton to Haiti. "I've been studying this problem Bill gave me, about Shrodinger's shat.
Thay Now Have That Right?
California ruling on gay marriages has allowed gays to now experience the loss of property, etc. during a divorce.
The letter "Z" left on mosque stone that was to be used in the building. Witness say he had a silver mullet!
"Z" At Ground Zero
The letter "Z" left on mosque stone that was to be used in the building. "Who was that mosque man?"
Another Problem With The Mosque
The letter Z marked into key stone meant for disputed mosque in NYC believed to be that of "Ground Zorro".
Mostly Obama, Youngest Daughter
Obama family wraps up Florida beach weekend, undergo an oil clean-up by volunteers.
Obese People See the GP More Than Smokers Do
Fat people see the doctor more frequent than smokers do. There is no longer any room in the surgery waiting room, so the smokers have to resort in having a cigarette outside while they wait.
Al-Qaida No-Number Killed
Lebanese security officials say they have shot and killed the suspected leader of the militant Sunni Islamist movement Fatah al-Islam. Linked to al-Qaida but had no known Number.
Grain Ban Begins
Russia ban on grain export begins. "We need it here for food..but mostly drinks", says Farmer.
Bomb hoax hits Lourdes pilgrims. Prankster claims he saw it in a vision.
Israel threaten to bomb Lourdes, France, Qui, Qui!
30.000 Pilgrims were cleared out of Lourdes today because of a bomb threat by Israel. Israel has decided to wipe such pagan places of worship of of the face of the earth, Mekka is next!
Cattle Cloned From Dead Cows
Some of the cattle cloned to boost food production in the US have been created from the cells of dead animals, according to a US cloning company. "I'll have the double-dead steak please!"
What If It's You?
Last Afghan WIKILEAKS out in 'couple of weeks'. "If more people die, that's their tough luck", says spokesman.
Obana's 100th "That's Not What I Meant" Speech Due This Week
Obama's exit strategy from Iraq under threat once again. Tries to think of what he really meant in latest speech about getting soldiers out.
Red Cross Founder Celebrated
A Swiss Town Celebrates the Red Cross Founder It Never Much Liked! "Well, it draws in the crowd, a reason to celebrate something", says Mayor.
Taxpayers Assist Pope Visit
Taxpayers to foot luxury hotel bill for Pope's entourage. Vatican says payouts over horny priests has left us a little short.
Olives The Favorite
Top food was olives in time of the ancient mariner, especially olive-stuffed albatross.
Watney In The Lead
Watney in front, but PGA is up for grabs and Tiger Woods has done a lot of grabbing lately.
Poultry The One!
Poultry fingered as No. 1 food poisoning culprit as pigs squeal on nest door neighbors.
"We're Illegal Obese Immigrants, So Everything's Free!
South Carolina to cover obesity surgery next year as whole families move in from surrounding states.
Aerial Images Continue
Smile! Aerial images being used to enforce laws. Over 100,000 moonings already photographed.
Civil War Years Were Scorchers.
Trend continues with second hottest July on record. Larry King says that this is nothing compared to the heat some days before records were kept.
Dems Looking For Votes
Democrats hope Medicare checks in the mail help. Plan to triple one just before election.
Obama Changes In Less Than 24 Hours
Obama changes tune, now supports 'the right' for ground zero mosque. Opponents say they have "the right" to picket it 24 hours.
Obama Assures Gulf OK To Visit
Obama gives personal assurances of Gulf's safety. Dove down a few miles and checked Oil Well for myself.
China Expands Testing
China expanding testing after latest milk scandal. "This time, not for lead only!"
Anniversary Of Famous Sailor Kiss!
Hundreds kiss in NYC in honor of end of WWII. One undressed couple over-doing it, asked to leave.
Hundreds kiss in NYC in honor of end of WWII...or whatever!
Another Innocent Military Satellite
Advanced military satellite launches into orbit. There to keep a good check on this weird weather we're having.
Poultry fingered as No. 1 food poisoning culprit. Hogs, cattle asked to go home after Line-Up!
Obama Soaking Up Oil Slick?
Obama gives personal assurances of Gulf's safety. Gets into water. Now slicker than ever!
8-Yr-Old Artist Selling Art For Thousands Of Dollars
8-year-old painting prodigy is new art world star as millions of other parents buying art supplies for kids!
Pouring Champagne #3
Champagne fizzics: Science backs pouring sideways. Moss backs hurry-up-and-pour-some!
The Only Way To Open Champagne
Champagne fizzics: Science backs pouring sideways, others. while hanging upside down on monkey bars.
Pour It Sideways
Champagne fizzics: Science backs pouring sideways. Many say they are already sideways when they pour.
Getting In Practice
Roethlisberger doesn't get off Steelers bench. "No use if I'm suspended any games."
Audiences Upset Everywhere
Sheriff: Tila Tequila says audience threw rocks. Simon Cowell still in hiding.
Apple Manager Indicted
Apple manager indicted on kickback charges. Teacher/Student/Apples thing also being looked into.
Check Daily To See The Changes.
President Obama changes his earlier support for mosque to support right to build mosque, same as Michelle changed reasons for half a million party in Spain.
Gutless Behavior Souring Millions
AP-GfK Poll: Independent voters sour on Democrats. Vomit all over their suit and ties.
Obama Blows Another One
Controversy swells as Obama supports Ground Zero mosque. A blown up mosque here would touch off reactions around the world.
Would Police Defend It?
Controversy swells as Obama supports Ground Zero mosque. Muslim Prayers and shouts of "Remember 911" to be mingled daily.
Obama Choose To Split Nation Again?
Controversy swells as Obama supports Ground Zero mosque. How long before victims families begin picketing?
The Mosque Again
Controversy swells as Obama supports Ground Zero mosque that will split the nation further.
Bears, Congress Could Get Help
Plastic jar removed from Fla. bear cub's head. Congress line up to get their head out of their asses.
With BP spill under control, US looks at drill ban. Is it time to begin drilling again or shall we pay millions that eventually supply terrorism? Duh!
Jarhead the bear to be launched into space!
Jarhead the bear with a jar stuck on it's head which, looked like an Astronauts helmet, is to become an Astronaut Bear. NASA are sending him to the moon to find honey!
Organ Celebration Satisfies All Comers
NORFOLK, VIRGINIA - The thirteenth annual organ festival was held at the Norfolk Naval Station over the weekend. Honored guests included Seamen who were recently discharged.
After Leg Injury
Chipper Jones plans surgery, to attempt comeback. Change nickname to "Tipper". Wile avoid Al Gore.
FDA Approves Pill
Federal Drug Administration approves the nine month after pill.
Don't Mess with a Mother and Her Children
A $500 million lawsuit is being brought by the ACLU against the San Francisco CA City Council for 200,000 mothers whose children were traumatized by the threat of toy removal from their "kid's meals!"
Dinosaurs Found to be Dumb
New palentological evidence proves that liberal dinosaurs were concerned with social programs while conservative dinosaurs wanted to build an asteroid shield. The rest is history!
Big Brother Run Amok
Scientist says fast food restaurants should give free cholesterol-lowering drugs to customers eating fatty burgers & fries. He added, free Viagra is also advised when shopping at Victoria's Secret!
The Blues have the Blues
Democratic liberal left loons discover life is full of uncertainty and danger that cannot be legislated away. This discovery has caused an acute psychiatrist shortage in all the blue states!
Obama Care to the Rescue
Democratic liberal left loons discover the rest of the USA see them as arrogant people with their heads up their arse. This discovery has caused an acute proctologist shortage in all the blue states!
I want to be Alone
Joe Smith of Colorado had 12 siblings as a child then married and had 14 children who gave him 27 grandchildren. Joe passed away at 90 and was buried in what turned out to be a "Prairie Dog Town!"
A Contemporary Version of the Beer Bottle Song
One Democratic liberal Bozo in the Congressional hall, two Democratic liberal Bozos in the Congressional hall, three Democratic liberal Bozos in the Congressional hall, four…………….!
Sorry About That
A crate of Mackinlay's Scotch whisky trapped in Antarctic ice for a century finally opened. Tests show the whisky had turned to vinegar, but the distiller won't do an exchange without a sales receipt!
Democratic Liberal Left Politicians Getting Desperate
Democratic Party candidates are playing the race card, sexist card and resorting to name calling. President Obama is going for plausible deniability by giving his supporting speeches in Klingon!
Presidential Press Secretary Gibbs said the president will make any further speeches on the US economy in Klingon. The American public knows the president hasn't a clue about the US economy anyway!
The Nanny City
San Francisco CA erects a gigantic Silicon boob (Baal) outside of city hall, to remind residents of their dependence on city government for guidance. Numerous protestors carried "THIS SUCKS" signs!
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