Spoof news snippets from Saturday 14 August 2010
Obama - Losing It...Admission
The alleged most powerfull Homo Sapien on the planet has finally admitted he has lost the plot - "I only want a mosque at ground zero to secure my next term in my renamed Black House"
Eight-Year Old Artist!
8-year-old painting prodigy is new art world star. Allows parents to place their art on refrigerator.
It's A Depression
Schools alerting parents on depression. They may CALL it a recession but we all know it's a depression so tell the kids!
Alabama: Jasper car lot shooting. Police say young Jasper got away!
Obamas On Vacation
Obama plea for Gulf coast tourism. "A little late for that aren't you chief?", complains shopkeeper.
Karzai names panel to look into rising ethnic Afghan violence. No volunteers yet!
Actually, I Never Could
Harness Driver, 95, Presses On One Fair at a Time. "At my age, I can't do two at a time."
Obama Can Forget About NYC Voters
Obama Says Mosque Upholds Principle of Equal Treatment! They kill 3,000 innocent people, we let them build a mosque.
Human Remains Discovered
"Human remains" discovered while chasing five convicts on the run turn out to be where they stopped to crap!
Costed $20 A Har!
NC man sent to jail after laughing in courtroom, saying he'd have a ham on rye!
Afghan, NATO Troops Ramp Up Fight Against Al Qaeda-Linked Faction as Petraeus Hedges on July 2011 Pullback. May rest at the border another couple of years.
Navy Accused of Anti-Gay Slurs! "They talked like sailors", claims one of those offended.
Doesn't Sound Like It!
'Improved' U.S. Relations in Question After Russia's Iran Nuke Aid, "If not improved, we would have sent more", says Russian ambassador!
Mr. Fantastic really is fantastic in bed says Invisible Woman.
Revenge Is Sweet
Ghost of Lady Di still kicking paparazzi, Charles in the balls on most nights!
Barack Benedict Obama
Obama defends ground zero mosque plans. "If we appease them enough they might not try to hurt us."
Iowa Town Copes
Iowa town copes with flooding, heat, photographers, spoof writers.
Appeals Made To Judge
Gay couples ask appeals court to allow weddings. Promise to meet in his apartment later.
Beets Attack Judge
Judge bans genetically modified beet plants after they dye his robe red.
Their Oil Worth More Without Iran
Newsweek: Israel, Saudi Arabia, Venezuela ally against Iran.
Four Year Rant Begins
Obama vows Social Security will exist 'today, tomorrow
and forever'. "I've got China's word on it!"
Pole Dancer Missing
22-year-old Emma, a Pole dancer has disappeared from Willies Bistro in Soho, London more than three weeks ago. A police spokesman said: "she has not been obscene since."
Star Wars Fans!
All six 'Star Wars' films coming to Blu-ray, hoo-ray!!
Elton John Pissed
Sir Elton John arrested for pissing on back of club wall after being ran out of both men & woman's bathroom.
Sounds Like He'd Already Found Some
Arkansas man who was stopped by police because he had his penis hanging out claims he was dowsing for beer.
Just Do It!
Turn on, tune in, drop out best way to live a person's life according to a new study at the Timothy O'Leary Institute of Higher Learning.
Circus Performance Stuns Audience
A married couple of flying trapeze artists, stunned the audience at Miller Brothers Circus in Witney, Oxfordshire, last night. Onlookers were agog when they saw the man catch his wife in the act
Get Out There & Play Like You Had A Set Of Marbles!
Professional sports trainers report more and more cases Shrinking Balls Disease!
Blind woman in Florida tells of terrifying moment a doberman savaged her guide dog. Now has a new Guide Gator. "See if I can whistle up that doberman", she tells it.
Improved Piss Machine
Astronauts will have a new piss machine to take to the space station. Water will now have new Dingleberry flavor.
A Plague On You!
Judge who ruled against posting of Ten Commandments in Courthouse reports 100,000 frogs on his ranch!
Suspect in Florida claims he's never been out on the beach yet and doesn't know a thong about them.
Lot Of Kids Looking The Same
Geneticist says that males face eventual extinction over thousands of tears, the last few placed on "sperm farms".
Up, Down, Up Boy!!
New Animal Specialist on Good Morning America cannot keep big dog from humping Robin Robert's leg.
Inflation rises for first time in several months. Study shows increase in both peter pills purchase as well as penis pumps.
Bad Week For Movies
Not a good weekend for most new movies as "The Grinch That Died From Heatstroke" draws lowest number of viewers.
BP: Very Little Oil Left
BP claims that there's little left of oil spill in the waters off coast. "Most of it is on animals, birds and fish."
Michelle Refutes Obama's Floor Fits
Michelle Obama claims that it's not true that if Obama doesn't get his way he lies on the floor and kicks in a circle like Curly of stooges. "He's be down there doing that at bed time a lot, if true."
"Dan Rather Fired! Oh...See Ya"
Dan Rather admits that when the news was slow, he had a list of last month's news to repeat but in a louder voice!
Al-Qaida Claims Responsibility
Al-Qaeda claims responsibility for recent flooding, high temps and Zsa Zsa Gabor fall.
Dog Gone It!
Obama endorses the building of a mosque at ground zero. Terrorists tell him to bring them their shoes and the evening paper.
John Paul's Whippings
Pope John Paul always tried to whip himself into shape before ordaining a priest or going abroad. Attendants say he gave himself some pretty severe whippings!
Bourbon Bouncing Back
Kentucky boubon producers Maker's Mark & Jim Beam say their profits are back up. Had slid 10% after death of Ted Kennedy.
New Stewart Probe
Martha Stewart probed once again. This time by UFO!
M M P Asks For Bailout
Medicinal Marijuana users ask congress of munchies bail-out!
Kept It Hid!
Scientist Discovers Mr. Potato Head's first name is Peter.
Oracle's suit against Google could impact Android and Bullshit!
Waters In Deep Water?
Rep. Maxine Waters: I broke no rules. Maybe a few laws but those no longer apply, apparently.
President Honors Ramadan!
"This is America": Terrorists didn't represent Islam, he says at event honoring Ramadan. "You lie!" comes from family of those killed in 911 attack!
Brown Double Dipping
Jerry Brown Double Dipping on Pensions he once criticized saying they were out of control.
NYC luxury condos seek financial backing of federal gov't. Also, winos ask for mere $200 a month, wine subsidy.
Little Truth On Nightly News?
GALLUP: Trust of media dwindling. More interested in drawing viewers than the truth!
Weak After Pill
FDA APPROVES WEAK-AFTER PILL...SORRY, THAT SHOULD BE WEEK-AFTER PILL!
Might Have Been A Dwarf Who Loves Trains!
Runaway train causes havoc on the Tube after careering through six stations with no driver. Passengers said to be upset also.
Just My Daytime Job
Day-release prisoner made thousands of pounds running a brothel while he was serving time for burglary and running a brothel.
Global Madness Continues
Police under fire for giving criminals STOLEN bicycles... so they can try to find jobs, as global warming overcome by global madness.
British schoolboy entrepreneur celebrates making his first million at 16... but he says: 'I won't stop until make £100m' like that Nigerian teen with the scams!'
Lockerbie Bomber Freed To Die, Fails To Cooperate!
Lockerbie bomber freed to die is being given 'miracle cure' drug: Treatment could have him up and bombing again in no time.
Second Body Discovered
Aboriginal elder leads police to body -- but wrong one. "They all look alike to me."
PGA: No Clear Favorite
A long, strange day with no clear view at PGA, even without the fog!
Especially If It's In Next Seat
Flight attendant's grand exit is a dream for some as several say that planes need a crying baby exit!
A Grand Exit
Flight attendant's grand exit is a dream for some..well, MOST, actually.
Kids Buying Airline Tickets
Three kids buy airplane tickets, fly alone to Tennessee. Turns out that two are married.
Lohan Moving East?
Lindsay Lohan's mother says actress will move East, in effort to warn those living there.
Politically Correct Madness Continues
Rapist completes his rehabilitation at Penis Diversion Program!
Drug Diversion Program?
Redmond O'Neal completes drug diversion program. In other words, he's not high on drugs right now!
South Carolina to cover obesity surgery next year. Surgeons will begin with each other.
Obesity Surgery Approved
South Carolina to cover obesity surgery next year. 500,000 now on waiting list.
Record Temps Continue
Trend continues with second hottest July on record. August figures to continue the same. Everyone hoping it will end by January!
Recession Or Depression?
In a sluggish economic summer, no easy fix ahead. But Prez points out that they'll need workers to build mosque at Ground Zero!
New Mosque On It's Way?
Obama makes clear support for ground zero mosque. Hopes this will help unite America.
Obama's On Vacation, Hopefully Permanently
Obama Gulf trip part vacation, part sales pitch: "We have to get this mosque built at Ground Zero!"
Ten People Killed While Riding Bus
Police: Gunmen kill 10 bus travelers in Pakistan. Obama supports the building of a mosque at Ground Zero.
Daily Killings Continue
Gunmen kill 5 in Baghdad checkpoint shootings. Obama announces support for mosque at ground zero in NYC.
Social Security Scare Tactic Again!
Obama claims GOP trying to destroy Social Security. Dems somehow think someone will believe this same thing every 4 years.
New credits available on health care, furnished by the good folks in China.
One Way Out Of Depression
French scientists say they have settled a question that has long divided Champagne lovers: How best to pour the bubbly?At least SOMEONE is trying to help the world out of depression.
That guy' back in the hunt at PGA Championship. Dustin Johnson in the pack at the top once again.
Will It Be Provided With 24-Hour Guard?
Obama makes clear support for ground zero mosque. Maybe be there for ground raising ceremony.
WikiLeaks Still Undermining Military
WikiLeaks says it won't be threatened by Pentagon. Apparently don't care who dies.
Gay Marriage Oppenents Stalled
Prop 8: Gay-Marriage Opponents May Be Unable to Appeal, which surprises no one.
Obama Supports Mosque
Obama makes clear support for ground zero mosque by bowing towards Mecca from the White House Dome!
Obama claims GOP trying to destroy Social Security. GOP says Obama out to destroy the United States and well on his way to doing so.
New Mosque On The Way
Obama makes clear support for ground zero mosque. Al-Qaida: "See, I told you they were stupid!"
The Fourth Most Holy Place?
Obama makes clear support for ground zero mosque. President's numbers should really jump in NYC.
Obama Supports Mosque At Ground Zero
Obama makes clear support for ground zero mosque. How about another one where the terrorist plane went down in a field on 911?
Mosque Support By Obama
Obama makes clear support for ground zero mosque. And many thought the Tea Party were overdoing it.
Prez Supports Mosque At Ground Zero.
Obama makes clear support for ground zero mosque. "Opponents say good, this should get rid of him once and for all."
Mosque At Ground Zero
Obama makes clear support for ground zero mosque. "And why don't we invite the Taliban for the first service?"
Obama makes clear support for ground zero mosque. "We can read the names of those who died there while their services are going on."
Not All That Bad
Obama makes clear support for ground zero mosque. "This will be a loving symbol for reconciliation with the terrorists."
Jeremiah Won't Approve
Obama makes clear support for ground zero mosque. "Actually, Michelle & I plan to attend services there."
Owe Them What?
Obama makes clear support for ground zero mosque. "We owe them that", states the President.
EPA scientists find that fish wrapped in newspapers smell bad after three days. Repeating the test for fish wrapped in Democratic liberal left newspapers the fish smelled bad in two days!
President Obama Creates More Jobs
In addition to your computer files, small businesses must now create all government required regulatory forms in triplicate using carbon paper! (Very young persons, please Google carbon paper!)
New Production of the Wizard of Oz Opens
Cast includes Barack Obama as the wizard; Michelle Obama as the good witch; Harry Reid as the cowardly lion; Steny Hoyer as scarecrow; Robert Gibbs as tin man; & Nancy Pelosi as the wicked witch.
New Production of Alice in Wonderland Opens
The cast includes Michelle Obama as the queen of hearts; Barack Obama as the white rabbit; Harry Reid as the mad hatter; Robert Gibbs as the knave; and Nancy Pelosi as the Cheshire cat.
Religion is Killing Iraq
Iraq is like a person with one thumb in his mouth and the other up his arse, who then plays switch. Regardless of the sectarian group in charge of the government they never stop killing each other!
Vote to go Backwards
President Obama asked me to vote for Democrats in 2010, so that we don't go backwards. I want to go backwards to a time where I had more of my tax money & less regulations from unelected bureaucrats.
Belly Button Lint
OSHA issues new regulations about belly button lint materials & accumulations, as there has been a spate of belly button lint fires lately. Obama creates 10,000 OSHA belly button lint inspector jobs!
Celery Growers Protest
Celery growers upset with new OSHA regulations concerning belly button lint. The celery growers association asks for an exception, as where will people keep the salt when eating celery in bed!
A Hung Jury
Blagojevich jury agrees on two out of 24 counts. However, either count could result in the death penalty which is left to the discretion of the judge!
Let Me Be Clear About That
"Barack Obama is the worst President of the US." Actually second worst after Jefferson Davis, oh, Jefferson Davis was the Confederacy President! Yep, "Barack Obama is the worst President of the US."
Don't Trust Anybody, Especially Politicians
Entrepreneur makes a fortune by performing studies serving clients such as Republicans, Democrats, liberals & conservatives. He says "give me the data & the result you desire to get a plausible study!
Democratic Voters have a Uric Acid Deficiency
Democratic liberal left politicians keep pissing on their constituents! Yet the Democratic voters reelect these same politicians every election cycle.
Political Time Travel
Scientist builds machine to take him to an alternate universe and was asked where he was going. He replied "I am going to the year 2008, where John McCain won the US presidential election!"
Vegan group sued by brassier manufactures association for claiming women who eat red meat, chicken and fish will have their boobs fall off!
Sharpton for the Defense
The Reverend Al Sharpton defending Congressman Charles Rangel for ethics violation is like John Dillinger defending Al Capone for murder!
Watch out for the Sex Police
A California Federal Judge rules that gay couples can get married after August 18, 2010, but no sex until after that date!
Take Your Vitamins Sonny
The FDA indicates that an over the counter vitamin supplement containing Cod fish liver oil and Viagra will make the user "one smart prick!"
Q: Two beautiful women, both PHDs & each equally knowledgeable about your business apply for a job with your firm. How do you select the employee without getting sued? A: Let your wife interview them!
House Speaker Pelosi can't decide whether to be the spokesman for the plastic surgery association or the Botox industry, when she leaves office!
New Pharmaceutical Available in November 2010
A rectally administered vaccine, "Common-Sense" will be given to all members of Congress by the American people! Long overdue, Common-Sense cures government of over taxing, spending and regulation!
We never had sex with that Women
Democratic liberal far left loons charge that the campaign against House Speaker Pelosi is caused by Republicans being sexist. Republicans issue a reply "with whom did you say?"
Foreign Aid Required
Detroit MI and several other major US city mayors ask Germany and Japan to rebuild their bombed out cities, just like the US did for these countries after WWII. No checks please!
Live Free or Die, a New Meaning
Democratic Party claims the NH State Representative, who wished former Republican Gov. Sarah Palin dead hadn't had his Rabies & distemper shots for this year. He did resign his dog-gone position!
President Obama's Democratic Insanity Economics
O: Trust me I am deficit spending $3 trillion to improve the economy. USA: This approach has never worked in recorded history! O: Trust me I know what I am doing. USA: Your economic policy has failed!
Baltimore MD Closes
The last business left Baltimore today leaving no private workers in the city, only the city government. The end came when a proposal to use only unionized workers living in the city was passed!
Friday the 13th 2010
The voters thought it was Halloween today, as more and more Democratic Congressional candidates are being scared away from associating with President Obama and his ghoulish economic policies!
ACORN Losses its Nuts
ACORN acknowledged embezzlement & cover-up, including $1 million taken from the group by the brother of its founder. The 2nd Circuit Court of Appeals said Congress can indeed take their funding away.
Democrats Abandoning Ship Obama
First-time claims for jobless benefits rose this week to 484,000. US House & Senate Democrats up for reelection are climbing down the anchor chain to avoid being part of these statistics in November!
Shareholders Sue HP
Lawsuit claims HP CEO's resignation, possible dalliance with a coworker and the company's Wall Street stock designator being XXX has devaluated HP stock more than $9 billion in market capitalization.
Urban Renewal in Washington DC
President Obama is on a fund raising tour for Democratic candidates & Congress is on vacation. One million Tea Party members are going to dismantle the White house and Capitol before they all return.
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