Spoof news snippets from Friday 13 August 2010
Runaway train with no driver causes chaos on the Tube after careering through SIX stations for four miles. Witnesses claim they saw a red-eyed driver.
Birth Order Affects
Birth Order Affects Child's Intelligence and Personality! Is he the one to deliver atomic wedgie or give one?
Vampies In Peru
Peru battles rabid vampire bats after 500 people bitten. Robert Pattinson seen fleeing the area.
Circus In Washington
NH Dem Resigns, Candidate Quits Over Palin 'Death' Wish. These are the people who lead our country.
Mental Patient Records Found
Thousands of mental patient health records ended up in a pile at public dump. Police counted 13 that matched writers for TheSpoof!
Left A Small Opening
Brett Favre says he is 99 and 44/100% sure that he will not play Pro football this year.
Bin Laden Not Being Very Nice
Osama bin Laden turns down innocent invitation to the next beer conference with Obama.
"How Much Alcohol In Hic"
Study shows that higher priced wines can be less fulfilling. Taste tests carried on the streets on NYC.
And Another One's Gone!
GreenPeace has reported that one of those cute endangered polar bears has eaten two of their people. But that they died for a good cause, though horribly.
Stick With Necessities
Wall Street recommending that investors stay with the necessities like food, fuel and Viagra. All three are up.
That Was Fast
The United Nations says that it is "Troubled" about Japan rearming overnight.
According to 2010 census figures the child population in San Francisco is dwindling. I wonder why that is? marriage are going up.
"This One...Piece Of Shit!"
In Germany, big tall guy with bolt in neck tries to explain to police why he's carrying a brain in a jar.
Obama Dealing With Drug Lords?
Mexican drug lords offer deal to Obama, you stay on your side and we will see that we stay on this side...for a small price.
Went Out As A Star!
Guy working on pavement in front of Chinese Theater to get it ready for another star to place their hand prints, discovers body of Jimmy Hoffa.
Apologizes For Gilligan
Man named Charley Nielsen confesses that he has been making up TV ratings for the past 50 years.
A Type Of Gourd
Toms of Maine to introduce the first organic penis pumper.
More TVs Than Ever
Number of television sets double the number of people for the first time, according to television report this morning and at noon. Some people completely hooked.
This just in - there is absolutely, definitely, 100 percent no need to panic.
Thomas The Tank Engine causes havoc on London Underground!
Thomas The Tank Engine went on a joy ride today on the London Underground, he jumped 3 red lights, hurtled through 3 stations and smiled a cheeky smile to astonished passengers, how sweet!
Pulled From The Market
Genetically altered burrito flat shells causing ozone layer to split into two holes.
Doc: Sounds Like Elephant Fart In A Cave!
Genetically altered burrito flat shells cause of over 5,000 emergency room calls after strange noises heard in the house.
Al Still Al!!
Al Gore blames global warming for breakup with Tipper, suit by masseuse and less home runs being hit this year!
It's A Mess In There
Vice President Joe Biden in a hurry takes laptop to bathroom stall and leaving, forgets to log off!
Had A Lot Of Dough Stashed
The Pillsbury Dough Boy eaten by the family dog. "He must have suffered greatly", says friend.
No new warnings against or for drinking wine since 2008. Whole tester group in rehab!
Stay At Home
Fastest growing industry in America in 2009? The home sexy nightgown, naughty sex toy parties.
Let's Everybody Fire Them All Off At Once
Chimps in Africa have signaled that they now have nuclear weapons.
Study Shows Pretty Women Less Faithful! More likely to be drawn to macho Roy Orbison type.
New FDA Rules
FDA demands that all food products contain label: No e-coli, Salmonella in this product.
According To What Ails You
Study shows that pharmaceuticals in water hurting some areas. helping others.
Get Through Tests Faster
Some colleges and Universities allow one hour early nerd specials at campus cafeteria.
"Attempt To Frighten Us!"
Taliban, al-Qaida leaders accuse US troops of using steroids.
Moving On Up
Whole world 'going to hell in a handbasket' even faster than predicted last Monday, says study.
Biden Won't Be Bought
VP Joe Biden says he's ready to turn state's evidence should Obama ask Hillary to run as VP in 2012.
Pelosi Injures Shoulder, Eyebrows Out Of Sinc!
Nancy Pelosi may have twisted her shoulder as Dems hauling big boxes of papers to burn before November elections.
Unacceptable, Says Alternative Universe
US and Russia ask other nuclear powers to cut nuclear missiles back to just enough to kill everyone ten times over.
That's All It Would Take
Unmanned drones by the millions may replace most nuclear weapons. "We only need about 50 nuclear weapons", says President.
Once Civil War Ends
Iraq getting to elect the next Saddam Hussein once American troops leave.
Predict A Bright But Lonely Future
Gassy lad from San Antonio, Texas inducted into the Farter's Hall Of Fumes in Arkansas.
Used Juror Swearing In Procedure
Chief Justice goes back through old cases to find couples he married but read the wrong words, thus they're not really married.
After Collection Agency Calls
President Obama says that it's time to stop vacationing and start signing all those checks to China.
A quarter of women are size 18 or bigger - up 45% in five years. Men admit that may have 'gained a pound or two' also.
It Must Be True
'Sam and I are part of the sharp-elbowed middle classes', claims Cameron as he defends cuts to Sure Start, as he elbows past news reporters.
No Military Combines
Liam Fox rules out merging any forces in radical military shake-up. "Where would be the competition, jokes?"
All-year Summer Time: Cameron may move clocks forward permanently (but only if he can convince the Scots). "Dark enough in Scotland now."
Olives Very Popular!
Top food was olives in time of the ancient mariner. Added flavor to whale meat, Captain's lost leg.
New Bills, Coins Shown!
Money fair showcases $1,000,000 bills, rare coins, all with President Obama's face on them.
"They're Bleeding Those Poor Trees!"
Terrorism fears end tours at Vt. maple factory after three tree-hugger attacks in the last six months.
Hiltons Love Their Money
Hilton vows vigorous defense of $35 million suit. "I'm into some pretty hefty self-defense programs. I could kick your head off!"
Watch Those Words
Dr. Laura apologizes for saying N-word on the air. Callers apologize for using the F-word while calling her about it.
Saw Anna Nicole Smith
Psychiatrist who saw Anna Nicole Smith to testify. "She really looked bad."
Poultry fingered as No. 1 food poisoning culprit. FDA asks public not to finger poultry.
'Lucy' Species Used Tools!
'Lucy' species used stone tools, fossil study says. Wrote original "If I Had A Hammer" on cave wall.
Chatter Their Heads Off
New research suggests orangutans not so solitary. Once they get to know you, "they'll turn you every which way but loose."
Orangutans Not Solitary
New research suggests orangutans not so solitary. Who group found in the US Congress.
US FDA head says China improving food, drug safety but worry about keeping their population down.
If We Had Them
US: Firms must spell out workers' benefit rights. Many asking, "What US Firms?"
Here's A Few Bucks
Obama to sign $600M border security bill Friday, from his petty cash drawer.
Congress Not Helping
Gates: Congress hurting Afghan civilian aid effort. Not exactly helping US poorhouse dwellers either.
Bringing A Glow To Their Faces, Torsos
Rain refreshes Moscow, but wildfires still burning. Some rain brings down ash from Chernobyl.
No JFK Jr.
Quayle's son: Obama is the 'worst potato in history'
Meteor Showers, Other Weird Happenings
Spectacular Meteor Shower and Rare Planet Alignment Coincide!
First beaver born in Britain in 400 years. Oh, it's the end alright!
He's Probably Right
Immigration chief reports: 'We're going to get this rite'
Not A Good Time!
Money fair showcases $100,000 bills, rare coins, baiting the unemployed!
Crowds Chase Pelosi With Torches!
Pelosi stumps for Democrats as GOP fires away. Draws crowds at Barnum & Baily Sideshow!
Pelosi Draws Crowds To See Her Face
Pelosi, looking both surprised, shocked and excited, stumps for Democrats as GOP fires away.
Former Flight Attendant Very Popular!
Lawyer: NY flight attendant wants to return to air. Many say they want his autograph!
Flight Attendant To Return
Lawyer: New York flight attendant wants to return to air. Passengers want to meet him!
Nucleal Plant Ready
Russia: Iran's nuclear plant to start next week. Ahmadinejad all aglow with anticipation.
Iran's Nukes Ready Next Week
Russia: Iran's nuclear plant to start next week. Let the bombings begin!
No Rush Here
Decision expected on plug for BP's broken oil well, "probably by 2015", says spokesman.
Britain Without Beavers Were Rough Years
Beavers born in Britain for first time in 400 years! First Beaver hat mad in 401 years come March of 2011.
Britain Needs Beavers
Beavers born in Britain for first time in 400 years! Stop the presses!
Tea Party #3
In their own words: Tea Party activists speak out. "Where's the Mad Hatter?" "Playing basketball while the nation sinks!"
Tea Party Party
In their own words: Tea Party activists speak out. "Off with their head", says Queen Sarah.
Tea Party Speaking Out
In their own words: Tea Party activists speak out! "Treacle!", says dormouse.
Mich. Still In Fear
Fears remain in Mich. after stabbing spree arrest. "Could be copycats!" states one citizen.
Clear As Mud
Judge doubts gay marriage ban's backers can appeal but ban backers say they will appeal judge's doubts.
Guide On Stevens
Guide says Stevens in good spirits before death. Right after that he became one.
Stevens Was In Good Spirits
Guide says Stevens in good spirits before death but became more silent afterward.
Lots Of Protests
Liberal groups push to exploit Target backlash. Mom & Pop stores protest protesters.
Quayle's Son, Chip Off The Old Blockhead?
Are 'anchor babies' a widespread problem? "I don't know nothing about birthing no anchor babies!"
Elligal Immigration At Forefront
Are 'anchor babies' a widespread problem? Only out at sea, according to Dan Quayle's son.
Obama The Worst
Quayle's son: Obama is the 'worst president in history'. No comment on VP's.
Spectacular Meteor Shower and Rare Planet Alignment Coincide to give everyone still another excuse to panic!
Getting It Right
Immigration chief: 'We're going to get this right', providing we ever get it started.
Everyone Leaves Mad At Congress
Money fair showcases $100,000 bills, rare coins. Draws thousand to see what money looks like.
May Be A Long Recovery
Alabama Attorney General sues BP, others over Gulf oil spill. "We're going after everything they took away from us plus future clean-up." Florida, La, Mississippi ready to do the same.
Juntas iIn Agreement
Myanmar junta sets election date of Nov. 7! Burma junta agrees 100%!
Nab Missing Links!
US nabs al-Qaida-linked militants in Afghanistan and Taliban linked militants in Iraq!
Eastenders cast on strike
The cast of "Eastenders" have gone on strike. Fans of quality, well-produced television are reported to be, "overjoyed."
Christian Bale stuck in traffic
Batman actor, Christian Bale, was left furious when roadworks made him 11seconds late for work. He apparently told workmen he would, "Trash your f***ing temporary lights."
Get A Jumpstart!
6 Ways to Jumpstart a Successful Day: "Oh Honey, look what I have for you!"
How to Help Girls Cope With Early Puberty before the seven year old goes to work at Hooters.
Weddings Illegal, Legal, Illegal, Legal
If the appeals court does not act by August 18, gay marriages will get the official green light. Opponents will take it to Supreme Court.
We'll See You On The Lawn!
Obama announces that the next three social security checks will be IOU's.
We Refuse, You Pull Them Out!
Obama effigy removed from carnival game -- replaced by Hillary and Bush. "The next thing you know they'll make us take Obama's face off urinal cakes", says Carney Roadie.
Changes Being Made
Obama effigy removed from carnival game -- replaced by Mother Teresa and Ghandi.
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