Spoof news snippets from Thursday 12 August 2010
One In Twelve Babies Illegal Immigrants
1 in 12 US Births From Illegal Immigrants. "They're trying to screw us out of here", states border citizen.
Economy Bottoms Up
Nearly two-thirds of Americans believe the economy has yet to hit bottom, a sharply higher percentage than the 53% who felt that way in January."I'd sure like to kick You-Know-Who's bottom!"
Two-Thirds: Economy Not Hit Bottom
Nearly two-thirds of Americans believe the economy has yet to hit bottom, a sharply higher percentage than the 53% who felt that way in January. But 500,000 lost jobs can change a lot of opinions.
Those Old Rascals!
Police crack down on mobility scooter mayhem as drunk and drug-driving pensioners doing 8 mph are a menace to society!
What's A Bimbo?
Study shows that a young lady wearing make up and tight shorts do not make that girl a bimbo. They are considered a bimbo when they go around without them!
It's George Again!
George Michael charged with drugs possession and driving under the influence after SEVENTH car incident. Causes cops car to wreck on the way to jail.
Drug Firm Supported Advisors
Third of WHO advisers on the swine flu epidemic that never was received support from drugs firms. So THAT'S what all the messages were about.
What's behind the weather chaos? Read Paul the Octopus' new book "Better Grow Some Gills" at all independent bookstores.
Millions approved for border security! It'll be hard for illegal immigrants to squeeze through millions.
It's TheVotes That Count
Black farmers involved in discrimination case are questioning why Obama promised aid for large-scale farmers in South while their case is held up in political wrangling. Big farmers means big money!
Bailed Out The Wrong Country
Conservatives reacted sharply Thursday to reports that tens of billions in TARP bailout money flowed out of the United States and into the coffers of big banks in France & Germany.
CPAP Wearer Mistaken For Alien
CPAP wearer shot in eastern Kentucky. Police find body of "Alien" stuffed and mounted over fireplace. "Theys look a lot like us exceppin' the head."
Wasn't Free After All
Drunk driver in Illinois says he got high off the fumes of car in front that run on gasohol. Asked why he didn't pass, he answered, "Hey, free high!"
John: I'm Not A Mouthpiece For The Left
So why did Elton John sing at rightwing U.S. broadcaster Rush Limbaugh's wedding? $1 Million helped, plus look at all the free publicity.
California In Trouble
California can't pay bills -- may use IOUs for August payments. Other states: We can do that?
Travel survey finds more Americans willing to try nude beach vacation if offered at low costs, high fences.
Once Again, Totally Unexpected
Homes lost to foreclosure up 6% from last year. Obama's answer: Keep throwing money into it!
Totally Unexpected Once Again
Jobless claims unexpectedly increase for the sixth straight month, to 484,000.
Explaining Health Law
With many in dark, groups explain health care law "as soon as WE understand it. We're over a third of they way there!"
Son Of Quayle
Dan Quayle's son blasts Obama as 'worst president ever'. Says he's turned a democracy into a socialist country. Spells potato correctly!
Too Many Kid's Stories
Senator Dick Durbin undergoes surgery for small turban. Sorry, that should have been tumor. Read the kids too many Dr Seuss.
No Use Sitting Up Late!
Meteor shower to light up skies tonight won't be as many nor as bright as usual, predicts Paul The Octopus.
Brazilian Airforce refuse to send captured UFO's to Area 51
Brazil has ordered it's airforce to register or capture any UFO seen flying near the Favelas. Also they must not send it to Area 51 because Brazil claim they only come to see Jesus hovering over Rio!
Gov. Workers Paid Double
Federal workers earning double their private counterparts as Gov. prints extra money on Thursdays before Friday paychecks.
Fish Dead Of Stress?
Tens Of Thousands Of Dead Fish Wash Ashore In NJ. "Probably panicked after reports from Gulf", says expert.
Traveling Fishers Of Gov. Cash!
BP may be paying out millions in oil spill compensation to fraudsters, some of the same that stole Katrina money.
Pass The Word!
PAPER: Obama 'may be prepared to meet Iranian president', bring report back to Charles Manson.
DC Catches The Weather Plague
Severe Weather Catches DC Region Off-Guard; Rescues Underway.
"You would expect the nation's capitol to be treated better", says President.
Saggy Pants Issue
Montgomery, Alabama City Council hopeful raises sagging pants issue. "We'll try to use suspenders", says Council.
Deep Fried Sticks Of Butter
The Hoosier family behind last year's chocolate-covered bacon at the Indiana State Fair is at it again. "We'll kill everybody before we're through.
First One Thing Then Another
Space station astronauts take 2nd crack at repairs. Also, take 2nd repair mission to close crack.
Are You Ready For Some Hot Decades?
This summer's deadly heat in the East and South could be a preview of summers to come over the next few decades, once again, according to Paul the Octopus.
Something's Wrong Here
Scientists at a site in Ethiopia find 3.4 million-year-old cut marks that they say prove our human ancestors used tools, 1.1 million years before tools invented.
American Going To NKorea
American boy plans N. Korea trip to pitch peace idea, but just in case, he's wearing Foghorn Leghorn outfit.
Stress Producing Less!
Stress may make women less likely to get pregnant, study shows. Also stress may make men too tired to try.
B-Z On The Border
House approves more agents, drones, workers & Queen on Mexican border.
Smog Finally Lifting
Smoke-shrouded Moscow gets welcome break from smog with giant hailstorm!
No Anti-Terrorist Ads Allowed
UK bans offensive Anti-Terrorist Hotline radio ads. Pronounce Pro-Terrorists OK for now.
Ariz. Ties MLB Record
Arizona ties MLB record with 4 straight HRs. Fifth batter decked!
Jellyfish Flotilla Too Late
Flotilla of stinging jellyfish hit Spanish beaches, looking for Michelle but she had escaped.
David Wolper Dead
David Wolper, producer of 'Roots,' goes back to his roots, at 82.
Specialists Report In
Doctor says Anna Nicole had chronic pain syndrome before her death. Didn't bother her afterward.
Paris Hilton sued for $35M for wearing wrong hair! After big fight in her dressing room.
Fossil Studies Revealing
'Lucy' species used stone tools, fossil study says. Also, big saber toothed tigers didn't cover poop. "Too much poop was everywhere."
Jetblue Attendant A Hero?
Web embraces JetBlue flight attendant in NY ruckus. Attendant may put out song: Take This Job And Shove It!
Lucy People Couldn't Sing
'Lucy' species used stone tools, fossil study says. "While 'Dezi' species mostly sat around and sang "Babaloo".
"Lucy" People Had Hardware Stores
'Lucy' species used stone tools, fossil study says. Her people had stone hardware stores.
Lucy Used Stone Tools
'Lucy' species used stone tools, fossil study says. "But hadn't learned crows toolmaking to use to get food it can't reach.
Greeks Recession Deepens
Greek recession deepens as austerity bites* *Note: See US two years from now.
Job-Screening Tactics Challenged
Some job-screening tactics challenged as illegal: "And what are your exact measurements, please?"
Dems Rally For Rangel
Top Dems rally around Rep. Rangel at NY fundraiser, just as GOP was hoping.
We're Almost Through Here
White House: US on track to end Iraq combat role, so where to next?
At Least It's A Peaceful Exchange
Blockage of US-Russia civil nuclear deal unlikely as crazed US, Russia exchange nuclear material.
Deadlock : Blagojevich Jurors
Complexities may deadlock Blagojevich jurors as burp produces big flame of fire.
Al Knew Too
Long hot summer of fire and floods fit predictions, says naked Al Gore coming out of masseuse office.
Scientists Agree With Paul
Long hot summer of fire and floods fit predictions, according to Paul the Octopus.
Fresh Express Recall
Fresh Express is voluntarily recalling some of its salad products because of a possible health risk from Listeria monocytogenes. But say Listeria IS fresh!
Argentine Lake Offers Clues To Life On Mars
Argentine lake may offer clues to life on Mars as so much water has been found on Mars that authorities believe that Rover drowned.
Feds Get Him After Only 2 years
FBI says 'Granddad Bandit' captured in Louisiana after grandchildren forget and call him Granddad Bandit at WalMart store.
Watchdog panel cites global impact of US bailout, howls over amount of US debt!
Expert Druggy Testifies
Expert testifies about meds. "Uppers, downers, bounce-arounders. I've tried them all."
Mets Closer Charged With Assault
Mets closer Rodriguez charged with assault after closing father-in-law's eye.
Soldiers Already Paid
US wants Iraq to pay bill for war victims. Iraq wants US to pay for their war victims.
Final Plug Needed
Gulf leaders wary over wavering on final plug of well. "What are they waiting for, Christmas?" typical remark.
Ariz Hunt Continues
Maddening manhunt for Ariz. fugitives reaches Arkansas where they may have hundreds of lookalikes!
Arizona Fugitives Still Loose
Maddening manhunt for Ariz. fugitives reaches Arkansas where over 2000 relatives could be hiding them.
Complexities May Deadlock Blagojevich Jurors #2
Complexities May Deadlock Blagojevich Jurors! Such as his voice sounding like more than one person.
Complexities May Deadlock Blagojevich Jurors
Complexities may deadlock Blagojevich jurors, such as his head spinning 360 degrees while on the stand.
Sovereign Citizens Number Grows
Sovereign citizens spin history, reject government, don't record births and deaths. Same as many Illegal immigrants.
New superbugs spreading from South Asia: study. Birds here wondering if they taste like chicken.
Superbugs On The Way
New superbugs spreading from South Asia: study. Raid hurries out big shipments of Super-Duper Bug Spray.
Argentine Lake #4
Argentine lake may hold the key to if there is life on Mars, who will win last major golf tournament this season.
Argentine Lake #3
Argentine lake may offer clues to life on Mars, if Pluto is actually a planet after all.
Argentine Lake The Key?
Argentine lake may offer clues to life on Mars, if there are Nessie-like creatures in all major waterways.
Argentine Lake Offers Clues
Argentine lake may offer clues to life on Mars, if there are Bigfoot.
Obama Policies Really Helping, NOT!
Company job openings, job applicant's mouths drop for 2nd straight month.
Don't Want To Think About It
Mountain of Economic Worry In Washington, Obama family may get away on vacation to the Gulf.
Ah Cisco, Ah Poncho!
Stocks look to extend drop after Cisco earnings, Poncho also down.
Homes lost to foreclosure up 6 pct from last year. So whatever the government is doing, STOP!!
Judge Ruling Today
Judge to rule on stay Thursday in Prop. 8 case if gays are to wait for higher ruling or marry now and have it annulled later.
Poor old Becks
'Too old. I ask you? What an insult!' David Beckham was upset. 'He never even told me he was dumping me.' But Becks thought he might get his revenge by playing with his new country, the United States.
Tea Party Has New Manifesto
They now go by the creed "Give Us Liberty or We'll Shoot"
Sir Henry Cooper haunted by 1963 incident
Former boxer, Sir Henry Cooper, revealed how knocking down but not knocking out Muhammad Ali in 1963 has always haunted him. Cooper said he intends to fly to America next month to, "Finish the job."
Buckingham Palace release stats
The Palace have revealed that 90% of the Queen's engagements for the next 12months are "public relations," of which 84% of those are "Repairing damage to public relations- caused by Prince Philip."
Privacy Concerns Alleviated
Is Google Sat seeing you skinny dipping in your birthday suit? Then you need a Ronco (Russian design) do-it-yourself S-300 anti-satellite system. Free shipping if you call right now 1-800-BUZZOFF!
Hillary for Vice President in 2012
Secretary of State Clinton may be President Obama's running mate in 2012. The president needs someone with testicular fortitude. If elected, Hillary's Secret Service designation will be "Dick Cheney!"
Democrats Still not Listening
Presidential Press Secretary Gibbs calls for "Progressives" (the professional left) to be drug tested! Republican Party spokesman says "we have been telling the USA this for the last two years!"
The IRS says that taxpayers cannot take President Obama and your Democratic liberal left Congressman as tax deductions, even though we are supporting their frivolous spending habits!
"Splain Me Lucy?"
EPA tightens Mercury emissions from cement plants, some being forced to close & jobs are lost. USA then buys cement from China/India, who does not give a rat's patootie about global mercury emissions!
Turned Off by Left Wing Ineptness
The "under 30 yrs. voters" helped elect Barack Obama president in 2008. They have been so disillusioned with his administration, don't' look for them to vote again until the 2050 elections as seniors.
Let's Correct the Problem
The 2008 elections gave us an inept Democratic liberal left President and Congress. The 2010 mid-term elections can give the USA a competent Congress (House and Senate). Two out of three isn't bad!
David Beckham's heart in right place
Victoria Beckham asked that her present from David be, "A nice photo of you and the boys."
Posh was left disappointed when she unwrapped a framed photograph of her husband and the England squad.
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