Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 11 August 2010
Get Off Your Ass And Walk
New Secret to Building Muscle Revealed: Pump Less Iron & Get More Lead out!
Border Busy Place
Like Arizona, Florida proposes tough law against 'illegals'. Tennessee volunteers and Kentucky Long Rifles seen headed for Texas.
Job-Screening Questions Illegal
Some job-screening tactics challenged as illegal: Question #1 Ms. Bratcher, do you put out?"
NY police find live cat 'marinating' in car trunk, ground hog baking under the hood.
Plastic surgery patients have carried a new class of superbugs resistant to almost all antibiotics from South Asia to Britain & they could spread worldwide. Calling Pest Control will not help.
Stocks Drop Over 200
Stocks fall sharply as investors' gloom grows. Many now leaning towards precious metals, metal detectors.
Who Pays This?
DEFICIT ADDS $165,040,000,000.00 -- IN ONE MONTH! Spending completely going out of control!
Two More Downers
Banks, butcher shops forecasts 'choppy recovery' at best.
Pop-Tarts Opens Restaurant: 4 Crazy Treats on the Menu. New employees forget and ask if they want fries with tart.
Christine Hubbs Facing 67 Sexual Assault Charges For Statutory Rape! Most seem to be erotic garden gnomes.
Two new tests developed by psychologists may one day help doctors predict who is at risk for suicidal behavior, according to two new studies. The only 2 to fit both so far is Democrat & Republican.
Worse Than Tea Party!
A Dem. candidate for state representative in N.H. expresses, on Facebook naturally, the wish that Sarah Palin & Levi Johnston had gone down with Ted Stevens's plane. This should help his campaign.
That Didn't Last Long
MOB RUSH FOR FED AID DRAWS RIOT POLICE!! Fed aid out of money again in twelve hours.
Germans Turn To Shit!
Cow dung to power more German homes. "The place smells like a barn but it sure saves us a lot of...money....I don't know if I can take this shit", states one lucky home owner.
Jobless Rate Jumps
Actual jobless rate in the US put at 17.5%, if you count all those politicians. Expect another jump in November.
"I'll Need A Cell, Next!"
Lindsay Lohan judge removes herself from case "before I go crazy as a Bess Bug!"
Lowest Congress Rating Ever?
NBC/WSJ poll: Public gives Congress historically low marks. "Get them all out before they bankrupt nation!"
Chicago Residents Pick 4444 On Pick 4!
In Chicago, Four Sisters Have Four Babies In Four Days! No kits, cats, sacks and wives, but maybe a lottery surprise!
Worst President Ever!
"Barack Obama is the worst president in history", claims Ben Quayle, son of Dan Quayle, considered by many as worst VP.
Daily White House debriefing as VP Joe Biden de-pants once again by runner backstage.
Eascapee Gets Makeover
Escapee got makeover, officials say. Now looks like 35-year-old pregnant lady.
"I'd Like To Do That!"
Fed-up flight attendant out on bail. Completely surprised by people wanting his autograph!
Banks Cutting Back
Banks really cutting back. With all new accounts opened, they now offer a whole pocketful of potato chips.
Obama Profiling Noted
While President Barack Obama accuses others of "profiling", he's yet to explain his "With their Bibles and their guns!"
Arizona Accuses Obama Of Profiling!
Arizona residents who support banning of illegal aliens say they are from many backgrounds and are tired of other people profiling them.
Achtung!! Brit Dustmen could all be paedophiles!
The UK's dustmen have been forced to undertake criminal testing because of the UK's hysterical fear of children being abducted by anyone in broad daylight, Catholic priests only do it in the dark!
Tropical Depression Wobbles
Weak tropical depression wobbles across Gulf apparently spun itself dizzy.
Might Cut Costs
School lunches get healthier with local food. So why not have kids growing garden near schools?
Sounds Right To Me!
For some, avoiding weight gain preferable to sex as sex can cause some women to put on weight in a hurry.
Probably Cool Next Year!
This summer's deadly heat along the Eastern Seaboard and Deep South could be a preview of summers to come over the next few decades, according to a report that has gotten everything wrong so far.
Gov. Bails Out Housing Again
Federal government to provide $3B in housing aid. Let's see, that one goes on the shoulders of great, great, great grandson!
Wonders Never Cease
Man grows pea plant inside lung. Woman grows husband's pee plant between her legs!
Give Some Of It To Us
New status symbol for rich: Giving it away. Spoof writers say they need funding since it's been 7-8 years since any check arrived.
Pakistan Floods May Give Taliban Time to Regroup or they may have all drowned, we'll have to wait and see.
A Second Bigger Mystery
Israel Finds Rare 2,200-Year-Old Gold Coin! How a whole country found one coin is yet to be explained.
Everybody Blows Stack Sometime
Hero or Zero: Attendant's Actions Debated! Most say they sympathize with him as long as his actions were before the plane took off.
Potato Famer Holding Feast
East Tennessee farmer who planted his potatoes on Mountain side so he could open one on the bottom & all the rest would come down through the hole, says heat had already cooked them in the ground.
Paying Off National Debt
NKorea offers ginseng to pay debt. US may have to result to marijuana.
Calif. Income Falls
Californians' income falls for first time since WWII. Some in Hollywood down a million a year!
More To Come
US posts widest trade gap in 20 months, but the best is yet to come", says morose Bernanke.
Florida Immigration Law
Proposed Florida immigration law goes 'One Step Further' than Arizona! Meanwhile Lynyrd Skynyrd requests "Gimmee Three Steps".
Vending Machine Needs Thumbprints
New Vending Machines Use Retinal Scans, Thumbprints For Purchases. Nation's attorneys: "Good time to sue for causing migraine headaches."
Why Not Have A Special Tax On Those In Nursing Homes?
FIRESTORM AFTER DEMS CUT FOOD STAMPS TO BAIL OUT TEACHERS! "You cannot eat books", says retiree.
Obama Sinks Again!
RASMUSSEN POLL: Obama Approval Index: -22 [Matches all-time low]. Hair now white as cotton.
Consumer Report On Cold Cuts
Consumer Reports: Most cold cuts high in fat and salt. Suggests that you eat them after thorough boiling in water.
According to an article in Cosmopolitan magazine, it takes the average woman 12 minutes to get aroused. By that time the guy is back on the couch yelling for the Cowboys.
Kept Getting Out!
Lindsay Lohan is suing the correctional facilities she was in. However, a guard stated that they had to keep putting her back in as she was sliding, naked except for some KY-Jelly, between the bars.
Run Al Run!
Al Gore made an appearance in Knoxville today, and at one point the crowd started yelling 'Run Al Run!' Not for President, but Tipper was coming down the street with a rolling pin.
Obama Best Idea Yet
President Obama says he has the perfect solution to the nations financial troubles and his personal ones: He's dying his hair and resigning.
Cheer Up Everybody
The nation's long national nightmare is over. Lindsay Lohan is out of jail and into rehab.
Fresh Air Takes A Beating
New Study says Americans are sneezing more because of all the air pollutants. No excuse for record farts.
Another Cable Mix-Up
Another sun flare has switch Playboy Channel with Cartoon Channel. Regular viewers of both very angry.
If Only They Had Known
Texas historians state that if Texas had weaponized chili in 1800's it would have been able to defend Alamo, by dumping chili in ladder-climbing Mexican army.
Tex-Mex Chili Threat
Both Mexico and Texas now have weaponized graded chili peppers and will use if attacked.
Weapons Grade Chili Falling Into Terrorists Hands, Who Drop It!
Kashmir threatens India that it has it's own weaponized hottest-chili to release if attacked.
Hard To Do In Cave
Osama releases his latest threat on DVD with background humming and in 3D.
Vow Of Silence Excommunicated
Pope takes vow of silence. Will excommunicate anyone not following his example.
Tax On Nails & Tacks
State desperate for income may tax nails and tacks. Cost affect housing costs.
It Really Helps!
Latest polls show Californians in favor of legalizing medical marijuana for hangnails, paper cuts.
Naomi Campbell Gives Man Black Pudding As a Gift
Supermodel, Naomi Campbell has given a Dorset man a black pudding as a gift. Consquently, he ate it in a sandwhich and broke 4 teeth. The pudding was found to contain no less than 30 blood diamonds.
Layoffs A Lesson
Students say that recent teacher layoffs have taught them more about economy than lessons in class.
Gold Prices Down Compared To Food
£4 a pint and rising bread prices: the cost of Europe's crop failures.
Politicians Should Be Brain-Scanned
15-minute brain scan developed by British scientists could spot child autism earlier. Many asking that all politicians take the exam.
Over 100,000 Had Heart Attacks While Eating BBQ!
Brits told to "Beware the barbecue... it's a 3,000-calorie binge"..but what a way to go!
Men Only 75%
Study: 90% of women 'sexually harassed in the workplace' including those on staff of Study.
How To Read A Politician
How to read a politician's mind? Try looking at his hands. Are they in his pants or yours?
She's Probably Already Upset!
Rape victim is denied NHS counselling after officials rule 'it might make her upset'.
Bus Driver Orders Breasts To Be 'Housed'
"Put them away or get off my bus": Driver's order to stunned mother for breastfeeding her son. "You don't need them both hanging out. He only has one mouth."
How Many Recessions Equal A Depression?
Does the world face a double-dip recession? Markets fall as Bank of England downgrades growth forecast. Why not just call it a depression and get it over with?
Pensions Cut 25%
Millions face 25% cut in pensions as inflation rules for final salary schemes are changed. Did someone say, "McDonalds"?
Super Trojan Horse Virus Loosed
Thousands of online banking customers have accounts emptied by 'most dangerous trojan virus ever created' according to secret message from inventor.
Being Attractive Can Lose Job
Attractive women, men often overlooked for certain jobs, so keep on trying.
Attractive Women Overlooked
Attractive women overlooked for certain jobs? For instance, for prison guard, baby husband-sitter.
Tiger To Be Coached
Woods practices with a coach at his side at PGA. Coach to remind him that all those ladies in the crowd are not for him.
Top Two Not Doing So Well
Like most majors these days, PGA is anyone's title...except possibly Mickelson, Woods.
Tiger Trying To Bounce Back
Firestone behind him, Woods is upbeat about game. "I think I can cut it to 16 over par next time."
Then We Could Have Cracked Up Too
3 United flights had long tarmac delays in June. Those on the ground say they would have appreciated an attendant crack up!
Take This Job & Stuff It!
NY judge grants bail for angry flight attendant. "If fliers crack up every once in awhile, attendants may too", says lawyer. Most Americans Support guy who was fed up.
Nurses Fear ER Duty
Nurses fear even more ER assaults as programs cut. "There are less of us in there when perverts pretending to be sick begin groping!"
More ER Nurses Attacked
Nurses fear even more ER assaults as programs cut. Have to see more patients that bite and claw as there are less nurses to handle emergency rooms.
Belly Bulge Facts
Study: Belly bulge can be deadly for older adults, epidemic by the time next generation gets older as bellies huge now.
Drop In Staph Illnesses
US sees drop in dangerous hospital staph illnesses as more and more people can't afford to go.
WHO's On First?
WHO says swine flu pandemic is over. UN Secretary answers that THEY just did. What kind of question is that?
Already Own The North Pole!
Huge ice island could pose threat to shipping, others as Russia plans to claim it if it gets withing it's waters.
Really Big Ice Island
Huge ice island could pose threat to oil, shipping but could become an emergency landing area for planes in distress.
One Million Windmills Set To Blow!
Global oil demand seen rising slightly as US now almost 100% use of alternate fuels.
Price Of Lead Down
China's industrial growth slows, inflation jumps as their cheap products now cost more.
Mecca Is Confirmed to Be the Least Attractive City
The Egyptian National Research Centre says that 'there is no magnetic force in Mecca' - and so it's OFFICIAL, Mecca is the world's least attractive city
May Have To Bring In More Printers
Obama signs emergency bill to halt teacher layoffs. Money printing going 24-hours a day, 7 days a week.
Huge Ice Island A Threat
Huge ice island could pose threat to oil, shipping, smaller islands.
Police Are Not Amused
Border security tightened in search for fugitive as police receive pics of perp stepping across, stepping back.
Ramadan Goes High Tech #2
Observing Ramadan? There's an appliances for that. Refrigerator voice saying, "Hey, it's not sunset yet!"
Ramadan Goes High-Tech
Observing Ramadan? There's an appliances for that. Like stove that only cooks at night.
We're Already Depressed
Tropical depression halts drilling at Gulf well. Depression spreads further inland.
I Could Just Shit!
Unemployment drives more home sellers to cut price, farts, after eating low-cost meals.
Virus Costly To Everyone Receiving Message
Virus sends costly messages from Russian Android phones. "Take my message, please." to cost you $50 a call.
Help Avoid Stampedes?
Saudi to test giant clock in Mecca during Ramadan. Saudis name clock "The Giant Clock Of Mecca".
House Prices Cut
Unemployment drives more home sellers to cut price. Housing bubble completely blown to bits!
Huge Ice Island Clogging Traffic
Huge ice island could pose threat to oil, shipping, cruise ships, yacht races.
New Clock In Mecca
Saudi to test giant clock in Mecca during Ramadan. Chimes to do "ramadama ding dong!"
Fires In Russia Scatter Radiation
Russian wildfires raise Chernobyl radiation fears as ashes from burns over radiation scatter to other areas. Putin acting peculiar. I mean ever more peculiar.
We Already Said We Screwed Up
Storm forces relief well work in Gulf to stop once again. BP, tired of excuses, say "So what else is new?"
Maybe Get Our Minds Off Economy
Storm forces relief well work in Gulf to stop again, just in case anyone's still interested.
Chernobyl Fires Especially Dangerous
Russian wildfires raise Chernobyl radiation fears as ten-headed snakes tackle firefighters.
Wildfires Nearing Chernobyl
Russian wildfires raise Chernobyl radiation fears as ten-legged deer whisk by escaping the flames.
Took 50 People To Help By Partying
Michelle Obama almost through visiting grieving friend and spending nearly half a million taxpayer dollars to cheer her up.
Someone Show Some Responsibility
Primary winners highlight political inexperience. Many new faces needed to stop Obama spending madness.
New Leaders Needed Top To Bottom
Primary winners highlight political inexperience. Need common sense not to stuff their pockets while country in tailspin.
Electricity blackouts skyrocketing. Families ask for bailouts on electric bills. "You've bailed out everybody else."
Fruits Going Bad In Calif.
Fruits, vegetables fail to ripen as S California nears 'coolest summer on record'. Blame global warming!
Feds Downgrade Outlook
Feds downgrade outlook of economy from depression to total-meltdown!
Nancy Pelosi: We need another stimulus bill. Perhaps, 10-20 more as there are no jobs.
Brian May speaks out on Jedward
Queen's guitarist, Brian May, has finally broken his silence over Jedward's version of Queen song, "Under Pressure." He claimed, "Freddie would turn in his grave if he wasn't cremated."
England Manager unsure of who retired Wes was.
Fabio Capello was unsure of who the retired Wes Brown actually was. He was overheard asking, "Is he the fella that looks like a Werther Original shagged a Wotsit?" Stuart Pearce responded, "Yes."
Progressive Political Asylum Seekers
Canadian embassy swamped with asylum requests from millions of Democratic far left liberals trying to escape the wrath of President George W Obama. Besides these liberals like the health care system!
Wait till next Year
Nathan's plans to improve its July 4, 2011 hotdog eating contest by offering each contestant some "hot buns!"
Democratic far Left Liberals are a Bunch of Loons
They say "President Obama looks more and more like George W Bush every day." Presidential Press Secretary Gibbs is sounding more like former GOP PS Ari Fleisher every day. VP Biden is still VP Biden!
Is there Something Profound Here
Every eight years the federal government fires its private contractors, asks its employees to do the work. Eight years later the federal government again hires more private contractors to do the work!
Screwing the Taxpayers out of their Green
Democratic controlled state government raids environmental funds to balance budget & blames Republicans. Rabid environmentalists demand increased taxpayer funding. Next fiscal year the cycle repeats!
The 111th Democratic liberal controlled Congress will go down in US history as the most arrogant, inept, corrupt and sneaky legislative body, except when HS Pelosi and SML Reid have lunch together!
Our forebears took over 200 years to make the US economy the envy of the world. President Obama took only two years to ruin the US economy with his tax and spend, and wealth redistribution policies!
Another Elitist Democrat
Democratic Rep. William Jefferson had $90,000 in the freezer. Democratic Rep. Charles Rangel may have rolls of toilet paper made of $100 bills, but he doesn't give a crap for anybody but himself.
The American people demands Congress enact term limits. Term limits are 15 years in GITMO for Obama administration officials & Congressmen who evade paying taxes or are convicted of ethics violations.
Beckham's intelligence questioned again
David Beckham's intelligence has been called into question yet again, after his son Romeo asked if he'd take him to see a meteor shower. Becks responded, "Why? You've got a walk-in one here."
Signs of Recovery? Six Million Dollar Man price jumps up
From his previous fall down to $4M last year, the price of the $6 Million Dollar man rose this year to $5.2M. Analysts say the rise was 'Bionic' in comparison to the overall economy.
Pakistan - Sales Down on Swimming Pools
Recent Flooding causes disruption in Swimming pool sales, Suppliers worried. - NTNON
It was so ho in Atlanta today that a DJ cooked a pop-tart on the sidewalk.
Thieves Getting Bolder
Identity thieves threaten to steal your wife, kids and house too.
All signs show that economy is down. Police begin posting "No Jumping" signs around skyscrapers. Threaten to arrest jumpers!
More bad signs in the economy shows we may be in another recession. Pelosi has congress out handing out $20 bills.
But Five Bottles? Yes!!
Drug derived from Red Wine slows aging process. But most like to get their drug from the wine itself.
Gets Your Mind Off Today's News
Exercise, Moderate drinking now considered healthy. So you can walk to the bar down the street and dance all over the house six drinks later.
This Is It!
US officials optimistic about direct talks between Israel and Palestinians for 137th time.
Colombia Meeting With Venezuela
Colombia, Venezuela to restore diplomatic ties, periodic gunfire.
He's A Hero Alright
Co-pilot Putin helps put out Russia's wildfires by flying chopper upside down and fanning out flames: Pravda.
Former death Camp Burns
Fire hits former Nazi death camp in Poland. No tears shed in Israel!
US To The Rescue
US aid winning more friends in flood-ravaged Pakistan than all anti-Taliban gunfights in next door Afghanistan.
A Loose Iceberg!
An island of ice more than four times the size of Manhattan is drifting across the Arctic Ocean after breaking off from a glacier in Greenland, seeking ships to smash!
Saddam Hussein sister says that Saddam was weird even when a little boy. "He would suddenly announce to all that he was about to loose the Mother of all Bean Farts!"
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