Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 10 August 2010
Bunch Of Liars!
GOP, spokesman for the President accuse each other of lying. Independent group say that they're both lying. GOP, spokesman for President say Ind. group wouldn't know the truth if they stepped in it.
Hate Crime Up
Study shows that Hate Crime up almost 90% since 2000. Proving that it's true that most people really hate crime.
Report: Drivers on cellphones and trying to eat breakfast causing huge traffic jam. People are saying, "Where are the snipers when you need one?"
With Kim On Front, Daffy On Back
North Korea introduces it's new currency: The Daffy Dong.
Best Interpretation So Far
Archaeologists finally decipher cave drawings: "They seem to say, '(Noise) What's Up, Doc?" Animal drawn had big teeth.
Job Seekers At Disadvantage
Thousands of job seekers wrongly branded as criminals because they have same names as offenders. Authorities say parents should think first before naming children, "Pol Pot, Stalin"
Saudis Place Giant Clock
Saudis hope giant clock will set 'Miller Time'. I'm sorry, that should be "Mecca Time".
Puberty Hits 7-year-old girls.
Puberty now occurring in more 7-year-old girls. Roman Polanski: Think how well advanced 13-year-old girls are!"
'Hillary for Vice President' movement gains traction. Joe simply Biden his time?
The Old Switcheroo
US-backed fighters in Iraq defect to al-Qaida. Al-Qaida defect to US-backed troops.
Iran Digging Our Graves
Iran warns USA: 'We have dug mass graves for your soldiers'. Obama: See, they like us!"
Mom Defends Son
Mom defends flight attendant: 'I would have snapped, too, with the people they allow to board the plane.'
Lots Of Compromise
White House spokesman says critics of Obama 'ought to be drug tested'. GOP: Obama supporters ARE medicated.
"You Say You're From California?"
Canadian slang names for Americans, eh? "Surfboard Riding Turds"
KFC Not Popular
Kentucky Fried Chicken discover that they aren't doing well in China because their name translates to "Hot Buried Lumps"
UK starts study on using human DNA in animals. Anxious to see how DNA from Camilla works with horses.
Several Wearing Pillows
With their "First 100 in store gets a free kick in the ass" ads this year, WallyMart hoping to avoid anymore stampedes.
Arkansas Ye Old Farm Days somehow mixed as topless women come by parade throwing beads, 400 John Deere tractors moving through New Orleans.
Post Office Down To A Quarter?
The U.S. Postal Service reported a $3.5 billion loss in the last quarter. They say they plan to raise stamps again 25 cents.
Tiger Over Par, Under Par
Tiger Woods finished eighteen over par at the Bridgestone Invitational over the weekend. "I don't know what it is but something is sapping my energy", stated Tiger.
They Love Me Here. I Have Ten Wives
David Copperfield discovered as leader of remote tribe in Peru after making mountain disappear!
Jolie Adopts Again
Angelina Jolie adopts 20-year-old young man from forgotten African tribe, The Longpeckers!
With the many government cutbacks being brought into place, the only thing that is entirely safe is that there will be no cutback in red tape!
Casual Friday At Nudist Colony
After ten years, Casual Friday still a pretty much humdrum day for most of the nations nudist colonies. Maybe being a little more complimentary with each other.
About 70 Years Ago!
Obama says he wants to visit Hiroshima in the future. GOP would have liked for him to have visited in the past.
Truth In Advertising
Pills Promising "Longer In The Sack" not selling as men say they only cause their sacks to get longer.
Crook Wore Skis
Store robbed by man wearing skis. Caught three minutes later 50 feet from store.
Christina Romer, chair of the White House Council of Economic Advisers, has resigned her post to anywhere but the White House.
Wants Billboards Down
Obama objected to "Joe Biden For President" Billboards!
About Time. We're Already Broke
US Justice to finally look into Kenyan Birth Certificate thing!
Obama Passes Another Brick
New Laws Go Into Effect In All 50 States: All illegal immigrants must be invited over for dinner at least once a week.
Vanessa Perroncel Back In The Headlines
Nobody certain why. Some interview possibly. Experts describe it as 'Silly Season Syndrome.'
Obama Thin Skinned?
President Obama admits to discussions on FOX during presidential race because they would not lean to left like other news networks.
Is The King Coming? I'll Ask The Queen.
Michelle to throw final $100,000 party for grieving friend, what's her ass!
Pluto Still Bitter
Pluto announced that it is against universal health care, everything else you asshole snob planets come up with.
Michelle Spends $350,000 On Grieving Friend
First lady went to Spain to spend time with grieving friend. With that, the Obama's passed George Bush 8 year untruth's after a year and a half.
Michelle Obama Changes Reason For Trip
First lady went to Spain to spend time with grieving friend. So she brought 50 friends to party and see the king. Of course, when she left for Spain, it was for her daughter's education.
Your Money & Mine
All the President's men have finally came up with an excuse for Michelle's trip. Now a friend's dad had died. So that was what all the partying was about.
Michelle Lyin gThrough Her Teeth!
First lady went to Spain to spend time with grieving friend. Although she first stated that it was for her daughter. Also, I guess her 50 guests were for her friend also.
England "Boo Boys" promise to put on a show!
England play Hungary in a meaningless game of footy tomorrow and the "boo boys" have promised to do something what England never do, PERFORM BRILLIANTLY!
What Do We Not Know
Nasa is considering plans to land a probe on an asteroid that is on a potential collision course for Earth. Russia says not to panic. Obama's hair turns white almost overnight.
Asteroid Heading Towards Earth
Nasa is considering plans to land a probe on an asteroid that is on a potential collision course for Earth. Russia apparently attempting to do the same. Don't tell anyone.
Nancy Pelosi: I've called congress back to Washington in order to spend some more. Isn't this fun?"
WikiLeaks Requests Filed
Human rights groups ask WikiLeaks to censor files, especially anything about us.
Putin To The Rescue!
Co-pilot Putin helps put out Russia's wildfires by taking a whiz out the side of a helicopter.
Sounds (Oily) Fishy!
Cleanup on oil spill near India continues as consequences mount. That makes six leaks lately after none for three years.
Still Talking About Those Diamonds
Taylor's lawyer's assistant accuses Campbell's former agent's attorney's assistant of lying...we think.
Prison Escapee sang in church before being recaptured, then sang about fellow escapee.
Fruits, vegetables fail to ripen as S California nears 'coolest summer on record' GOP says that it's a curse for promoting Gay Marriages.
Perfect Excuse For An Attack
BURNING RUSSIA BATTLES TO DEFEND NUCLEAR SITES! "If we don't get this put out in time, we have no idea where they'll go.
Obama Goes Gray
President Obama goes gray for the Fall! Blames George Bush Administration for causing his hair to turn gray. GOP says it's from lying so much.
Education Secretary faces axe
Education Secretary, Michael Grove, faces the axe after describing schools as "more better."
Won't Eat A Thing
Oscar-winning actress Patricia Neal diets at age 84.
Short Attention Span!
WHO says swine flu pandemic is over, whatever 'swine flu' means.
Jong Threatens To Send Cartoon Brigade Across Border
SKorea warns NKorea after artillery barrage blows up three small villages. "We can only take so much!"
Bought A Few Shoes
Michelle finally getting through shopping in Spain, bringing home 200 pairs of shoes.
Michelle's Hair White Too!
Wages cut, Spanish highway cops go soft on drivers. "Just so you're under 100 MPH."
Briton The First #2
Briton first known man to walk Amazon River. Unknowingly walked across boa constrictors.
Briton The First!
Briton first known man to walk Amazon River. At one point, ran across gator backs.
Maine Has Positive Outlook On Loser!
Maine State Museum hosts sardine canning exhibit. Prepare for large number of tourists.
New Business Venture?
Giant ice island breaks off Greenland. Greenland offers to sell fresh water to Saudis.
Ancient bison kill site uncovered in Ancient Bison Burial Grounds National Park in Montana.
GOP Voters Have Favorite
Colo. GOP voters face gubernatorial primary choice, but favor Goober Pyle.
No Clothing Allowance Before!
House moves to help teachers, public workers, tighter clothing for aids.
Cesus Savings Provide Michelle More Vacations
High response saves 2010 census $1.6B in costs. Looks like Michelle Obama headed for more overseas trips with extra funding available.
House Moves To Help
House moves to help teachers, public workers, blackmailers over sexplotations.
Swap For Sheep
Law snuffs out mailing smokes to deployed troops. Taliban now growing tobacco crops for trade.
No More Smokes Through The Mail
Law snuffs out mailing smokes to deployed troops. Sergeants especially fond of now saying, "Smoke them if you got them!"
No Cigs For Troops
Law snuffs out mailing smokes to deployed troops. Families switch to chewing tobacco.
SKorea Sends Message To NKorea
SKorea sends message to NKorea after artillery barrage, saying they think it was some kind of warning.
Census Right On Top Of Everything
Fingerprint sharing led to deportation of 470,000. Also the fact that all lived in an apartment in Detroit.
Belly Bulge Blaimed
Study: Belly bulge can be deadly for older adults, especially the mess down there that they can't really see.
Fingerprints Catch Fugitives
Fingerprint sharing led to deportation of 470,000. Thousands claim they are clones. Deported anyway.
"Look, Here's A Clue!"
Fingerprint sharing led to deportation of 470,000, as all of them had the same fingerprint.
Oil Wells Being Watched
Gulf relief well crews watch for al-Qaida suicide divers.
Search for fugitive, fiancee focuses on Montana. Could be in Fargo, according to pregnant sheriff.
Got Feed Up With Complaints
A flight attendant accused of cursing out a passenger on an airplane public-address system and using an emergency slide naked to hop off looked happy and relieved afterward, a passenger said Tuesday.
Young Hispanics Different
Poll: Young Hispanics less likely to be Catholic. Many now into Scientology.
House moves to help teachers, public workers. Watchers lined up to see a moving house.
Dry Land Hammerheads Started It All
Gulf relief well crews upset as hammerhead shark knocks off whole top of oil well.
Already Doing That Thanks To Economy
Study: Belly bulge can be deadly for many older adults. President's panel recommends eating only once a week.
Oil Damage Creates New Colored Sea Creatures
Oiled crabs stoke fears spill is tainting food web. First black and white whales and shark spotted.
There Are Definite Changes
Oiled crabs stoke fears spill is tainting food web. Also, black red snapper.
Honda Has Big Recall
Honda recalling nearly 400K vehicles, 10,000 employees who keep putting them together wrong.
Another Census Surprise!
High response saves 2010 census $1.6B in costs. No one presently living in Wyoming.
New Faster Census.
High response saves 2010 census $1.6B in costs. Workers credit sitting on their asses, using cellphones.
Census Tallies Totals
High response saves 2010 census $1.6B in costs. Also, lowest incidents of dog bites ever: Only 1,000,000.
Census Over Already
High response saves 2010 census $1.6B in costs. This year, as many as 100,000 admitted assholes! Last year only 100. Workers credit being slapped around more often.
Census Very Thorough
High response saves 2010 census $1.6B in costs. One big surprise! Only 35 illegal aliens in the US.
First Prisoner Up
Trial to begin for Guantanamo's youngest prisoner. Twelve-year-old that threw socks at troops and Cheney.
Census Saves Money
High response saves 2010 census $1.6B in costs. "We even sent in three forms", says one patriotic citizen.
Democratic Spin Machine Revs Up
The first lady's vacation is being hyped by Democratic pundits as her relaxation for the Anti-Obesity Program and bringing fresh vegetables to new groceries, using taxpayer money.
Mideast Politics gets more Interesting
Any wall built around Iraq will not include the Kurds part of the country. Instead, the Kurds are asking the UN to configure Kurdistan from parts of Iran, Iraq and Turkey.
Construction of a new Wal-Mart in Baltimore MD
Project will create hundreds of jobs. Don't hold your breath as the city council, environmentalists, animal rights activists, unions, living wage advocates and the plastic bag lady need to weigh in!
How do you say Spin in Spanish
Pictures on the net show the trash & garbage strewn by illegal immigrants crossing the USA border into Arizona. An illegal immigrant support group says "the debris was left by environmentalists!"
Foot-in-Mouth Disease Continues to Spread
VP Biden, Gov. Palin, Sen. Franken & now GOP Senators contract the dreaded F-in-M disease. Sens. McCain, Graham, McConnell & Kyl want to modify 14th Amendment about children of illegal immigrants.
When Liberal Control Freaks Collide
Illegal immigrant support group & anti-drunk driving advocacy group at odds, when illegal drunk driver kills a Nun. The former wants open borders & the latter wants all our cars to have breathalyzers!
You Believe This?
Mel Gibson and Rosie O'Donnell to tie the knot on the Oprah TV Show!
Snatching Defeat from the Jaws of Victory
GOP candidates again focusing on abortion, gays in the military & gay marriage. The American people are focused on the economy, unemployment & taxes. Obama is still focused on blaming George W Bush!
Perception is Reality
The Obama's join elitist Hollywood/Malibu CA Democratic liberals & former VP Al Gore when it comes to "do as I say, not as I do!" Expensive vacations, DC private schools & burning lots of jet fuel!
US & Vietnam Share Weapons, Jokes
Now that the United States and Vietnam are military buddies, each share stupid Jane Fonda jokes.
No Smog, Moscow
Smog finally lifts over Moscow, Russia revealing that it is gone!. Chinese remind them that they laughed about their UFO reports a few weeks ago!
Didn't Even Catch The Head
Local man who was determined to film his first child being born passes out early on.
Yes He Can #2
Could President Obama have what it takes to get democrats out of the House and Senate this fall? Yes He Can!!
Easily Number One!
Winner of this year's most annoying person to ring your doorbell? A naked Amway-selling Scientologist!
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