Spoof news snippets from Sunday 1 August 2010
Jeremy Clarkson Mid-life Crisis
Jeremy Clarkson from BBC's Top Gear Motoring magazine has admitted to having a mid-life crisis "It snuck up on me," he said. "I just had to buy a Volvo Estate."
Just Not Interested
Girlfriend doesn't seem to want to talk to man about his ass carbuncle lancing.
That's 300% Profit!
Painting put out on the street for garbage collectors in NYC picked by bum and sold for $5, brings in $15 for lucky pawn shop owner.
Tylenol Recall Expanded to include Mel Gibson, Al Gore and Tiger Woods.
Manson Told Bad News
Charles Manson told that another one of his followers has passed away. "Past where? Didn't even stop to see me. Gobble Gobble."
Next Best Thing, I Guess
Jewish mother has to settle for son-in-law who is an actor but plays a doctor on television.
Lady, I Kick Ass, Remember?
Obama admits that he wasn't comfortable on The View after the one lady called him, "A sweet chocolate-covered marshmallow bunny!"
Tenth Year In A Row!
Pizza Hut voted best Italian food restaurant in Bear Wallow, Kentucky.
Blew That One!
President Obama embarrassed when he made a cute remark on "The View" and the audience just sits there.
Need Speed Signs!
Spill on Aisle five at WalMart leads to a five cart pile-up!
Gay Rooster having to cover high pitched crow: "Ahem. Eeeeiiiirrkeeet! 'Bug in my throat.'
Hard Candy Christmas?
Looks like another "Hard Candy Christmas" as stores stock up with socks, gloves, underwear, hard candy.
Franco American canned Italian food bought out by Chinese Company.
"Sucker Born Every Minute"
This Day In History: 1938! P.T. Barnum, who once said that there is a sucker born every moment, caught with clown behind tent.
No More Lace?
Two different designers who work on bras at Fredericks Of Hollywood leave with black eyes after a bust up.
Jimmy Fallon On Emmys
As Emmys host, Jimmy Fallon aims not to offend any "queers and rednecks."
Man Doesn't Like Smell
After getting sprayed by cosmetic lady at Atlanta mall, man tells her she's wearing too much makeup! "You look like a mannequin."
Hurriedly Wipe Drools
"Nine of Nine" blows judge's minds at Miss Universe contest!
Man Blurts Out "Hand" After "Sex" in Psychological Word Association Test!
That Would Do It!
Emergency Room staff let the cat out of the bag on how they get longer-than-4-hour erections down. "We show them Wilfred Brimley in an adult diaper."
They Soon Get Better
New employee at WalMart in Kansas City always wears his badge at a cocky angle.
Family celebrates great granddad's 100th birthday by trying to convince him to die. "I'm 62", sates his grandson. "How am I going to enjoy my inheritance?" "CUCUMBERS!", replies Grandfather.
Tarball's In Dustin!
Gulf Shore and Dustin, trying to lure tourists back to Florida Gulf Coast with commercials featuring "Tarball The Clown!"
Florida Towns Seeking Tourists
Gulf Shore and Pensacola trying to lure tourists back to Florida Gulf Coast with "I Love Tarballs" Bumper Stickers.
Hank Jr. Upset
Hank Williams Jr. still upset about not being asked to sing "Are You Ready For Some Vuvuzela?" before broadcast of World Cup Games.
Ever Heard Of Pink Floyd
Teenager who just discovered Pink Floyd driving all his pals nutty. "Comfortly Numb" is all about getting a shot for stage fright.
Need More Cash
Middle class students to be hit with higher fees, fewer grants and bigger loan repayments. "From now on, initiations will include a large cash donations say fraternities.
Eight million Americans consider suicide each year, mostly what they would inherit.
Over Twenty Bed Accidents
Police in Charlotte, South Carolina say that whoever came up with a convention for the accident-prone must have been pregnant.
France Declares War
France has declared war on al-Qaeda, after launching its first attack on one of the group's bases in North Africa. At home, factories gear up for patriotic white flags.
Pakistan Still Mad Over Hacked Info, Cameron Remarks!
Spy talks off as Pakistan fury grows at terror slur: Cameron in battle to defuse growing diplomatic row. "But I told the truth. Just check the leaked CIA reports."
Honey, These Scientists Know!
Now there's an excuse: Scientists find a weekend lie-in can be good for your health. Just in time for American Football season, World Series.
Draws More Workers
Strong man Alan Rancher pulls oily whale ashore to shore with rope in his teeth as clean-up continues.
Andy & Goober
Andy Griffith to do ads for new Health Care Plan, while Goober acts like a nut in the background.
Red Balls The Cause
Labour leadership hopeful Andy Burnham calls Milibands 'elitist' and blames Red Balls for fueling division. Sorry, that should be "Ed Balls".
Capital News, Denver, Colorado
Denver is experiencing the hottest summer in their history: Denver has only received 24" of snow in the month of July.
Capital News, Hartford, Connecticut.
A Hartford's vigilante group that is lobbying to capture Jersey Shore's Snooki will no longer be able to use the name Hartford Whalers. Cuz, you know, she's fat, and.... Forget it.
Capital News, Little Rock, Arkansas.
Lawyers for a plastic surgeon accused of masterminding a bombing that disfigured a Medical Board member offered an alibi: l: "He was only trying to create business for his practice.
Capital News, Sacramento, California
Rep. Dan Lungren was ticketed after he was pulled over during an interview on his cell phone with a radio station. " I had to be the 97th caller: They were giving away Jonas Brothers tickets!
Capital News, Phoenix, Arizona.
1 day after a federal judge knocked down the key parts of Arizona's anti-immigrant legislation, police stopped arrested Mexicans because it is too f--king HOT to chase Beaners across the border.
Capital News, Juneau, Alaska
A dead whale was discovered pinned to the bow of a Princess Cruises luxury liner near Juneau Thursday. Princess will only charge the whale's family for a one-way ticket.
Capital News, Montgomery Alabama
State Republicans hope to elect enough GOP politicials that Republicans will have a majority in the Legislature for the 1st time in 136 years!
All in favor of lenient gun laws, vote Republican!
Isle of Wight Pulls Record Crowds
Despite shit weather and temporary closure of Bembridge floral clock.
Isle of Wight More Popular Than Ibeza
Tourism up 800% in a month. Nobody quite sure why.
No More Speed Cameras
The big switch-off: Will midnight countdown to end of speed cameras in one county herald demise of the rest? Meanwhile, County Auto owners racing engines.
Egg Producers Accused
Egg producers debate 'natural' label. "A little chicken shit smeared on eggs not sufficient."
British Barbecue Season Gets Under Way
96% chance of rain. 4% chance of snow.
Snooki of 'Jersey Shore' arrested in NJ beach town. Claims man kept calling her "Nookie".
New Pilot Rules
Congress OKs overhaul of airline pilot rules, a three drink limit!
Fourth Bear Caught
4th bear caught after deadly MT campground attack as Grizzly Bear's attempt to do "Only You Can Prevent Forest Fires" reminded that Smokey is a Black Bear.
Bellybenders Hanging on!
Letton Fly And The Belly Benders top this week's Billboard Shit List of Top 100!
Lose Of Privacy
FBI access to e-mail, Web data raises privacy fear. In fact, you seem to have an email from them right now.
From Long Range Studies
Scientists say global warming is continuing but sometimes takes a 5,000 year break from time to time.
Twitter Down, Something About An Asteroid!
Twitter down for hours of 'planned maintenance'. Big asteroid could hit the earth in a month. Did You say "Twitter down for hours? There will be a panic.
Chelsea Clinton said to have wed at exclusive New York estate according to latest rumor.
No US Global Talks
US inaction on climate troubles global talks. "We've had our hands busy on oil disaster", says spokesman. "Most of us aren't even talking to each other!"
Britain's Cutting Military Costs
Britain's military braced for sharp spending cuts. "We may have to go to suicide bombing ourselves", says top military leader.
Sorry! Wish We Could Help
Iran says 3 Americans should stand trial as Obamas plan their next vacation, to the Gulf.
Pelosi Looks Shocked
GOP looks to erase Democrats' comfy House majority. Pelosi looks shocked. But Dems may keep overall control. Nancy Pelosi Looks shocked.
China Economy Slumps
Growth in Chinese manufacturing continues to slow as other countries have little money left to buy products.
Fight Until Elections Over
Rangel using 3-way defense against ethics charges. "But his ass is completely uncovered", say prosecutors.
Phone Hacker Dating Steadily
Hacker builds $1,500 cell-phone tapping device. "I'm early for our blind date. Hope you don't mind!"
BlackBerry Picked To Block
UAE to block BlackBerry services on security fears. May be first of many nations to do so. Prove them worthless.
Hamas Shelling Israel
Israel warns Hamas after continued rocket fire. We'll PROVE our existence once again.
Peace In The Middle East?
Israel warns Hamas after continued rocket fire into Israel. We will retaliate. Leave you guessing how!
Three Escape In Az.
3 inmates escape from northwest Arizona prison, stop to record Bluegrass song at a studio.
Chelsea Wedding Over
Chelsea Clinton $4 Million wedding goes smoothly at exclusive New York estate. Couple plan to help the poor.
NM Guv Looking For Publicity
NM governor considers pardon for Billy the Kid, Liberty Valence!
An Amazing Acomplishment
Hacker builds $1,500 cell-phone tapping device, using identity theft of only two victims.
Ask For Our Oily Discount!
Black lobster pulled from bay in La. not all that tasty.
Yellow Lobster Caught
Yellow lobster pulled from RI's Narragansett Bay extremely rare, tasty.
May Settle Ou Of Court
Brazilian men swapped at birth work, live together, hit up all four parents for money. Threatened to sue hospital. "We have a new career", states one victim.
Gates: Small 2011 troop pullout from Afghanistan. First of twelve will come home in January.
We Have A Whole List Of Complaints
Congressman: too much dispersant used in oil spill. We had to wait and see what we can criticize next.
Worse Than Oil Leak
Congressman: too much dispersant used in oil spill as it dispersed sea life also.
Forensics Working On It
Police in Landcaster, Pennsylvania believe that Amish male found dead there looks like he was churned to death.
Better Be Good!
Amish parents say that they seldom have to spank their children once they tell them of the creepy "Buggy Man" stories!
Al Had Regular Habits
Tipper Gore says that Al always finished up with a loud, "Global Warming Coming Up!"
Lot Of Alcohol There
Funeral director At Mayberry: The late Otis Campbell's boy cremated last week is nearly finished except for a few bits of beard smoldering.
Amish Getting Down
"Buggy Nights" still number one of the top 100 Amish Hit List!
More Trouble On The Gulf
Leaking oil on the Gulf flames up once it hits a big fire ant hill.
Arrest In Washington Square
Man led from Washington Square in NYC by the police kept mumbling, "Stupid pigeons, you feed them all morning and all hey do in return is to shit all over you."
Chicago killer confesses, "If I hadn't listened to that stupid dog of the neighbors, my friend, Ralph would still be alive right now.
Change At The Top
"Shake Your Buggy" replaces "Buggy Nights" as #1 on the Amish Top 100 hits.
Don't Believe Nigerian Offers
US government warns consumers that those latest e-mail offers from Nigeria that promise that teach you how to charm a snake, collection agency there to collect or charm a woman for $5,000 are bogus.
Another Bogus Offer
US government warns consumers that those latest e-mail offers from Nigeria that promise that teach you how to climb a rope up into the air and disappear for $5,000 are bogus.
US government warns consumers that those latest e-mail offers from Nigeria that promise that teach you how to levitate for $5,000 are bogus.
Ancient Greek to Be Taught in Secondary Schools
News has broken of a decision to teach ancient Greek in secondary schools. The big question is WHY?
David Cameron has emergency operation!
Private hospital staff confirmed today that Mr Cameron was admitted, and operated on to remove a 'silver spoon' - unfortunately the operation was not a success.
Eton start new Acedemic Course
Eton College, developed a new academic course for 2010. A first in the educational world. The Course is titled 'Political Survival Training' Modules include Fiddling, Lying, & Advanced Nepotism.
I. F.Iddle MP Selected as Candidate
Old Etonian Irwin Francis Iddle. has been selected for the candidate in the constituency of Robumallville.
Pentagon used waterboard torture on Wikileaks soldier
"It's a great tool for extracting confessions," a spokesman said. "After five minutes of waterboarding, Pvt. Bradley Manning disclosed the secret hideout for Wikileaks founder Julian Assange..."
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