Spoof news snippets from Friday 30 April 2010
Pat Robertson Blames Homos for Oil Slick
In a statement surprising absolutely no one, Pat Robertson has blamed the oil slick invading New Orleans on who else-gay people. This leaves the world to wonder-When is that cocksucker gonna die?
Evangelist Pat Robertson Blames Gulf Oil Spill on Louisiana Voodoo Practitioners
Prays for BP's quick economical recovery.
GOP: Might Be More Fun To Lose
Dems say Tea Party may hurt GOP in the fall elections. Tea Party replies that if that happens, they plan to hurt any Dems they can corner.
Jim Carrey Still Appears Cheerful
Jim Carrey and wife reveal tragedy that all their children suffer from Clown's Syndrome.
Bill Clinton Confesses!
Ex-President Bill Clinton admits he once ate five Whoppers a day, including Monica twice.
"Would That I Were Dead!"
Adult death rates lowest in Iceland, although many try very hard, to escape ice and volcano.
Spill Sways Drilling Decisions
Sperm spill spells uncertainty for new drilling. I'm sorry, that should be "Gulf spill spells uncertainty for new drilling."
Military Asks For Gay Extensions
Military tells Congress to keep 'gay ban' for now. "They make wonderful sunglasses", claims Joe Biden.
Jury convicts on 2 charges in Palin e-mail hacking. Obama, Biden say they will appeal.
"Turncoat" Suddenly Wealthy
Militant Judas, Benedict Arnold, yellow-bellied turncoat leads Iraqis to al-Qaida chiefs says new supreme al-Qaeda leader. "See me later."
"We Need To Talk..Eat..Drink A Bit"
Germany, Mexico trying to push climate talks ahead, invite all nations to Octoberfiesta!
Leaders Face Hard Ships
Greek Prime Minister says more cuts needed for survival. "It may even come down to giving up our favorite boys."
Guess We Escaped This One
Two Air Force planes to help with oil spill! Will drop a backspill early tomorrow morning.
Looks Like We Have Still Another Genius As Prez!
President Obama: Latest economic growth a sign of recovery!
Obama: New Oil Leases Will Need Safeguards!
No shit, Einstein. President sounding more and more like George W. Bush every day.
CEO: Those Recalls Got Us All Screwed Up!
Honda recalls 167,000 Acura TSX cars, then remember that they haven't yet began making that model.
We Are Ready & Able!
Mississippi Center, County whorehouses preparing to handle oily mammals.
Everybody Pick A Side
Lawsuits target AZ law amid calls for boycotts and boycotts of boycotts which is being protested by girlcotts.
New Orleans Reassured
FEMA has announced that they will do all they can do to keep the oil slick out of New Orleans, "just as soon as they can finish with this Katrina thing."
Dutch "Queens Day" passes without incident just a few sore bums and a joint to "COOL" it all down!
Queens Day in Holland was pretty boring after all the excitement of last year after the attempted assassination went PEAR SHAPE. As for the other "Queens" well pretty normal, Gay Parades, BORING!
Another Derby Replacement
The Derby has announced that "Bowlegged Cellmate" will also be pulled from tomorrow's starting gate. He will be replaced by "Jockey Nipper".
Ghost housing estates in Ireland are to be handed over to homeless Leprechauns!
In a desperate attempt to fill up the empty houses in Ireland the government have decided to offer them to 2 million homeless Leprechauns roaming the Irish forests after midnight, pissed on Guiness!
Weird Al Yankovic to do Knew Beatles Album including his new version of "Jizzy Miss Lizzy"
Weird Al Yankovic to do Knew Beatles Album including his new version of "She Was A Cow Tipper".
Hooters Almost Closed Down #3
Hooters almost closed down because of whiplash bra snap incident.
Hooters Almost Closed Down #2
Hooters almost closed down after fake tit found in soup.
Hooters Almost Closed Down
Hooters almost closed down because of many lawsuits over customers nearly getting eye poked out when meals delivered.
Once Had Money To Burn
World markets are down ahead of expected Greece fire!
There's No Fooling That Petraeus
Petraeus: Tough times ahead for south Afghanistan. Pope is Catholic.
Trouble On Saturn
Giant Buzzard Raging on Saturn! I'm sorry. That should have been 'giant blizzard raging'.
Mideast Peace Talks To Resume
US says Mideast peace talks to resume as soon as it has been determined that the Mayan's were idiots.
Another Derby Withdrawal
"Bollocks Itch" has been taken out of the Derby Saturday. So be sure to scratch "Bollock's Itch".
Britain's candidates agree: "There is an election coming up!"
Spending Lacks Vigor
Higher consumer spending in Q1 still lacks vigor, a certain savoir faire, too many, shall we say: "penny-pinching tightasses."
Layoffs possible at many small schools as school bullies told to lay off the nerds or stay home.
Dems Still Following Bill Clinton Example
Poll: Older Americans are down on Democrats. Dems say their elderly mates do it better because of lack of teeth.
Earth To Saturn: Hit The Grocery Stores Quick!
Amateur stargazers help spot blizzard raging on Saturn! Al Gore blames solar system warming.
O'Brien On Leno
O'Brien: I wouldn't have done what Jay Leno did. I could grow a beard but not a chin that size.
Belgium Tightens Law
Belgium votes to ban burqas, exposed breasts, penis in public.
New ID Card
National ID card included in Democratic immigration bill. The new "666, Mark Of Satan, Doomed To Hell" cards already being criticized by some radical right-wing groups.
Hooters Girls In Treatment Center With Venereal Disease
One waitress says that it was "because of Burger King and his Whopper."
Hooters Girls In Treatment Center With Venereal Disease
Some of them got it at Joe's Crab Shack
Hooters Almost Closed
Hooters almost closed down for crappy food, food spills, men walking into wall, eye strain.
Or Possibly Not
Arizona Law Enforcement, Country Split on Immigration Crackdown! Leaders of Southern States say they may split from Union.
How's That Again?
Thai hospital evacuated after being stormed by protesters. Police report several hospitalized.
Oil Slick Getting Hairy
Disaster looms as oil slick reaches US coast. Waterfowl already being treated by Greenpeace. Surfers left to die.
BP Stock Down
BP shares keep falling amid Gulf oil rig disaster. "It's mudded the waters a bit about the company's future", says CEO.
American Idol Update
American Idol finalists not looking forward to next weeks "All Yoko Ono Songs".
Airlines Trying Everything To Increase Fees
JetBlue raises the bar on members of the Mile-High Club to "The Jet Blew Club". Passengers up 10%. Viagra sold on all planes at $50 a pill.
Japan Airlines Cuts Number Of Planes, Staff
Japan Airlines has announced that they are cutting back 15%. Monday morning over 300 flyers and their older planes will kamikaze their planes into the pacific Ocean after a brief ceremony.
Twilight Four Director Announced
Bill Condom will direct "The Breaking Wind", the fourth Twilight movie it was announced this morning. I'm sorry, that should be 'Bill Condon' and "The Breaking Dawn".
Weird Al Yankovic to do knew Beatles Album including his new version of "Clarabella (Hornblowera) or "The Howdy Doody Clown Rag)"
Weird Al Yankovic to do knew Beatles Album including his new version of "A Hard Day's Delight"
Weird Al Yankovic to do knew Beatles Album including his new version of "Cayenne (The Commode Sitter's Blues)"
Weird Al Yankovic to do knew Beatles Album including his new version of "Come Together (Banned In Boston")
Weird Al Yankovic to do knew Beatles Album including his new version of "Carry That Weight, Kirsty Gal"
Mine Experts Agree
Most mining experts say that the #1 reason that coal mines cave in is having weak supports. Also, that coal is black.
Pelicans, Otters Plea For Help
Pelicans, otters along La. shore in path of spill plea for FEMA to save them, the poor doomed bastards.
Bill Still On Whoppers!
Chelsea Clinton admonishes Bill to lose 15 lbs. for her summer wedding. Former President promises to cut down to only three Whoppers a day.
UFO Was Balloon!
Huge NASA Science Balloon Crashes in Australian Outback. Strangely enough, it was filled with aliens. "We've visited the earth in weather balloons for years", admits leader.
Navy to allow women to serve on U.S. submarines. To be paid well and referred to as "Comfort Ladies".
Man Who Found iPhone Revealed
Man who found - and sold - the missing iPhone unmasked. It is rumored to be someone by the name of "Stan Disk".
Police find body
Belfast police have confirmed the body they found in a garden shed of a man missing for more than 40 years has been identified as Paddy O'Reilly - the former All-Ireland Hide and Seek Champion.
They're Puttin' Up Their Dukes
Steve Jobs is in one corner, Adobe Flash in the other.
Medium Gets Message From Carl Williams
"You'd think that they'd go all out and purchase a platinum coffin, wouldn't ya."
Elmer Fudd Named New Conservative Spokesperson
Who else can totally get away with referring to Republicans as the 'White Wing?'
In Case You Missed The Late News
Gulf states a little uneasy over oil slick coming in, as the whole Gulf of Mexico now on fire!
Stock For 7-11 Stores Jump After Report
California sales of snacks up 100% since approval of medicinal marijauna approved.
New TV Network
The new "Medicinal Marijuana Network" to use a lot of bright colored movies and cartoons.
"Me, I Stay Pretty Wet"
Wino on New Orleans street informs police that there may have been some flooding awhile back, as he woke up on his air mattress in Mobile, Alabama.
Weird Al Yankovic to do knew Beatles Album including his new version of "Money Can't Buy Me Love, But Check With Ringo"
Weird Al Yankovic to do knew Beatles Album including his new version of "Please Plice Me (Use The Handcuffs)"
Weird Al Yankovic to do knew Beatles Album including his new version of "Bennies For the Benefit Of Mr. Kite"
Weird Al Yankovic to do knew Beatles Album including his new version of "Bad To Me (Be Brutal, You Great Unicorn Beast)
Weird Al Yankovic to do knew Beatles Album including his new version of "I Saw Her Standing Bare".
Weird Al Yankovic to do knew Beatles Album including his new version of "Bargis, You're A Rich Man"
Weird Al Yankovic to do knew Beatles Album including his new version of "And I Love Her other Parts Too"
Weird Al Yankovic to do knew Beatles Album including his new version of "Baby, It's Yours"
Weird Al Yankovic to do knew Beatles Album including his new version of "A Taste Of Sonny (With Cher).
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