Spoof news snippets from Thursday 29 April 2010
Spoof Breaking News!
Hey, so Bureau's back is back!
"I needed something to distract me" said driver
Male driver so 'souped-out' by the 'great' Cameron et al debate that he reversed his Mercedes C-class through the sidewall of a multi-storey car park.
Prime Minister Calls "Pot, Kettle, Black! "
... when he called Mrs Duffy a Bigot. "It's a good job I'm deaf" said Mrs Duffy. David Cameron said "what's a bigot?" Mrs Duffy said just one word "what? "
Bad headline number 62:
20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar
Bad headline number 61:
Drug users reach all-time high!
Swansea Police Apprehend Violent Transvestite
Swansea police have apprehended a violent transvestite in the city centre today. It turns out that the man is a Welsh cross-dresser!
'Breatharian' Is the World's Slowest Indian
A man who claims to just live off fresh air is to appear in a new documentary called "The World's Slowest Indian" because his metabolism has not moved for over 70 years. He says; "I don't give a shit!"
He Is Not Taking the P***
An Indian has not drunk anything for over 70 years. His urethra as completely healed up, through lack of use. He certainly does not get taken short!
Indian Claims Not to Have Food or Drink for over 70 Years
An Indian is under medical supervision after claiming that he has not eaten or drank anything for over 70 years. With the cost of living rising as it is, he may have some great money-saving tips.
TRIBUTE TO MAX CLIFFORD
Max Clifford - the face that lunched a thousand shits. He can light up a room - simpy by walking out of it. A legend in his own mirror. People like him don't just grow on trees - they swing from them.
99% Illegal Immigrants
Karl Rove Has Reservations With Arizona Law Against Illegal Immigrants. So Do The Indians On The Reservations!
It's Certainly Possible
Many asking why Barack Obama wants new immigrant legislation. One possible answer could be -and this is just a guess -5 million new democrat voters.
Legislators Re-think Putting Regulation in Hands of Greedy Wall Street Bankers
They now think it might not have been such a great idea, Einsteins that they are.
Local Man Wins Beth
Local man Kevin Wanker won his new girlfriend Beth Bumfluff during a pub quiz last night.
"She's lovely for a fat girl", he said.
Cow Dumps over the Moon
Local cow Moovetta laMoo took a nice, wet shit on the Moon as it leaped across it during its regular nightly Moon-jumping adventure.
Local Man thinks he is Gay
Local man Charles Tittyface, 32, has had a big smile on his face ever since he won the lottery and invented a cure for the common cold.
"Lately I have been quiet gay and cheery", he said.
More Americans Drinking Themselves to Death
Says one drinker, "Sure, it's a slow process, but can you think of a better way to go?"
Local Man has a Fair to Remember
Local man Billy Fatknob had a fun fair in his back yard today. Many people attended and had fun on the bouncy caste, slide and the mysterious 'bucket of shite'. "I will remember this til the day I die", he said. And then he died.
Campaign Targets Meth Use By Indians
National and local news urges Native Americans to return to natural peyote.
Bad Weather Could Mar Oil Spill in Gulf
Many tourists leaving after slick no longer forms the shape of Pope John Paul II.
Vermont and New Hampshire caught off-guard with late Spring arrival of ten-foot snow.
All About Voters
Erections are all about events for voters. I'm sorry, that should be "elections", although the first does apply asshole.....also.
National Program Rates Neighborhoods' Eco-Friendliness
Bear Wallow, Kentucky neighbors say no to big Windmill. Vote to run and fart on backside every time they get a cramp, drop a load.
Chocolate is better than sex
Scientists at Glasgow University have discovered that women find chocolate more satisfying than sex. So the advice is not to use chocolate sauce in your foreplay.
Milk Producers Protest Soy Using Name "Milk"
In a nationwide poll, leading replacement name at 79 percent is "Piss!"
Spain's Credit Drops!
Monetary unit, the "Armada" sinks further overnight.
Massachusetts Wind Farm
The state of Massachusetts has apparently approved the building a Wind Farm. Project passed once it was disguised to Kennedy's as a big "Blow Job".
Weird Al Yankovic to do knew Beatles Album including his new version of "A Hard Day's Diet".
Weird Al Yankovic to do knew Beatles Album including his new version of "All My Lisping".
Weird Al Yankovic to do knew Beatles Album including his new version of "And Your Bird Can Sing (While Mine Just Hangs There).
Kelly Osborne named as one of the World's Most Beautiful People
Judges David Blunkett, Stevie Wonder and Harvey Price were unavailable for further comment.
Weird Al Yankovic to do knew Beatles Album including his new version of "All You Need Is A Single-Fingered Glove"
Weird Al Yankovic to do knew Beatles Album including his new version of "All Things Must Pass (Even George)"
Weird Al Yankovic to do knew Beatles Album including his new version of "Rack Naturally"
Weird Al Yankovic to do knew Beatles Album including his new version of "Across The 'Unicorn'"
Weird Al Yankovic to do knew Beatles Album including his new version of "A Taste Of Horny".
Weird Al Yankovic to do knew Beatles Album including his new version of "Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Fart Club Band"
Weird Al Yankovic to do knew Beatles Album including his new version of "A Day In The Wife".
Weird Al Yankovic to do knew Beatles Album including his new version of "Let It Pee".
Risk Pools Unsafe
Obama health law undercuts risk pools in 35 states. He now asks that owners place signs near pools that state, "Dangerous Undertow possible". GOP orders government to stay out of families home pools.
New Custer Book
A new book about Custer and all those at "Custer's Last Stand" is out, revealing that although standing, his head was missing when search party arrived.
"Tiger's Whore" Scratched
"Tiger's Whore" withdrawn from Derby list until owner agrees to change name.
The Secret Is Out
"Gulf oil spill could help nation to be more aware of oil spills", admits Oil Company CEO.
How Sandra Bullock kept adopted child a secret for five years to be made into a TV movie.
Thirty days hath September
So what? Anyway, nobody says 'hath' anymore.
Free dictionaries for Rochdale
After Gordon Brown's gaff of calling a Rochdale woman a bigot, it turns out that nobody in Rochdale knew what the word meant. As part of his apology, Brown will send the town a dictionary each.
The job of a politician is to be (re)elected. Anything that benefits the country or constituents is merely a happy coincidence.
Brown doesn't see eye-to-eye with voter
Gordon Brown outrageously called an old woman 'old' and a 'woman'.
Worshington State requires men over 10 inches must file for a concealed weapon permit.
"Probably not the best time to ask him about a new car"
'when his blank didn't shoot'
Junkie with heavy bleeding gums and stomach ulcers doesn't need to swap needles
"if at three different levels"
ur between two and four levels
LBC ... an "In Joke" at PC
Let's be Celtic (Plaid Cymru)
Man set fire to himself
smoking inside his jacket
"Let's be Cool"
and for a summary of the news we go to Brian Robson at LBC
"Ashes to Ashes"; "Dust to Dust" and Urns in Lake Geneva
Urn, Earnie, REM and the ERM
"absolutely nothing in common"
"Guessing Game Contest"
How many urns in Lake Geneva?
If Gordon Brown earned a dollar for every urn found in Lake Geneva
he would be between $100 and $200 dollars better off
"One way ... to earn a living"
dragging up ash-filled urns from Lake Geneva
'Different from REM'
'never a simple answer'
Nationals are such asses
Nipples are special always
Never assume Staphylococcus aureus
Sodium stimulated asses
Never ask Sally anything
'... and wear a bobble hat'
'if your wife tells you too'
Wear a Hat
in the Far East
'If u really really think'
'just don't do it while driving'
"All Men R Bastards"
Not per se true - only 99.99% r.
'A man is assumed to be innocent'
Water is patentable
to the extent that it is patentable subject matter
Peaches are ok
If not the 'Geldorf variety'
Palin is to Conservative Party Politic
as Winston Churchill was to beaches
"Simple is always best"
'but sometimes the best can kill u'
"My little black book"
'If u genuinely know the answer to the meaning of life'
'keep it to yourself'
'The reason we don't see aliens is obvious'
"Air is free"
'until it runs out'
'If the roof falls in"
don't be sitting on it
'If u get struck by lightning"
u were probably outside
just some geezer long past who was merry and lingered too long over his pint of ale
There was once a wizard
his name was not Merlin
'Just don't forget'
'if ur a wimp'
'rejoice' - u will live longer than the high school jocks.
'If you have no spunk'
it's because u don't have any
'Just think about it'
That your dad's sperm made it to your mother's egg - 'THAT'S WHERE IT ALL WENT WRONG'
"Mine's a wall-banger Mary"
and on other nights a cool dark Brain's Assay.
"Jack the Lad"
"If u say so"
'For every new snippet'
there's one dying
'Go ride a bike'
can give u muscles or a heart attack
LBD or LRD?
in "Pitch Black" 'doesn't matter either way'
"Give a little"
"take a little"; "spin a little"; "shave a little" and get fired on your first job.
"Life is like a cup of water"
'no it isn't'
'a time when life seemed ordinary and nice - like American apple pie'
'When life seems dull'
Sharpen the garden axe
'If life catches up with you'
'ur not moving fast enough'
"Short back and sides"
says nothing about the top of your head
Boris Badenov First Arrest Under New AZ Law
Natasha has gone into hiding.
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