Spoof news snippets from Friday 2 April 2010
Interesting TV fact #3
The continual loosening of standards as to content on most television shows allows exposure of all kinds of sh*t on tv, but actors still can't say the word sh*t without getting bleeped.
Voted most naked basement in the land
Arundel Castle = A Nudest Cellar
Tutus made of regal stuff
Arundel Castle = A Dancer's Tulle
Shimmering in the grand ducal staircase
Arundel Castle = A Candle Lustre
Early Roman soup spoon
Arundel Castle = Etruscan Ladle
Atomic reactor under the West Wing?
Arundel Castle = Nuclear Deltas
Kinda blot on the landscape?
arundel Castle = Ulcerates Land
No child slavery here!
Arundel Castle = Adult Cleaners
Dymphna, Marigold and Daphne remembered
Arundel Castle = Recalled Aunts
Suite on the Gunners?
Arundel Castle = Dulcet Arsenal
Dullards' Pavlovian reaction
Arundel Castle = Lateral Dunces
Arundel Castle = Sandal Lecture
Tell me it ain't mortgaged!
Arundel Castle = Actual Lenders
Operatic diva lost her gnashers somewhere in the moat
Arundel Castle = Callas Denture
Fighting over the East Tower?
Arundel Castle = Ancestral Duel
Apple Launch New Female Friendly iPad
The New Apple "Fem Pad with Wings" launches Monday & is expected be a huge hit with Women Worldwide as it has a Application that'll tell it's owner exactly how moist they are at any given time!
More like Satanic Verses if you're in a local Asda at Halloween!
Customer Service = True Comic Verses
Sarah Palin has Epiphany #12
"I just realized that if I wanted to appear smart, I'd have smart people writing my speeches for me."
It's catching in the White Hart Lane strip shop
Customer Service = Soccer Teem Virus
Helpful with top shelf stuff
Customer Service = Sore Crevice Smut
Bags of balls!
Customer Service = Receives Scrotum
Sarah Palin has Epiphany #11
"I just realized that companies selling green products don't mean the color of the product is green, but that, oh heck, never mind."
Kate Gosselin Has Mommy Meltdown
Upset over her poor performance on DWTS, Kate Gosselin reportedly screamed at her kids, "color your own damned Easter eggs then," after one of them complained the ones she did were ugly.
Hubble Telescope Destroyed!
The Hubble Space telescope was burned to cinders as it focused on the Pegasus Galaxy. It had discovered a huge suspended magnifying glass with a pissed off eye behind it.
Shipping Lanes Monster
Anal Sphincter = Channel Rapist
Biro lodged tight
Anal Sphincter = This Carnal Pen
Symptomatic of something or other...
Anal Sphincter = A Thinner Scalp
All kinda crap get lodged up there
Anal Sphincter = Shrapnel Antic
Proctologists' fav nickname
Anal Sphincter = Chinstrap Lane
Psychic's beastly message
Anal Sphincter = Channels Tapir
Jamie Oliver is crucified by David Letterman as he gives him a "Fat Chance" of beating US obesity!
Jamie Oliver needed the help of Ricky Gervais on US TV, Letterman called Jamie a naive twat, Ricky called Yanks FAT BASTARDS, they loved it and now all of the US is on Jamie's diet, FAT CHANCE!
English Channel monster?
Anal Sphincter = Channel Rapist
Grows where the sun don't shine!
Anal Sphincter = Spartan Lichen
If you inherit a dodgy one of these you also inherit the other...
Anal Sphincter = Paternal Chins
Hires arsehole Padre
Anal Sphincter = Rents Chaplain
Bum's rush secret platform
Anal Sphincter = Arcane Plinths
Churchmen and altarboys...
Carbon Neutral = Anal Bun Rector
Blame Pavarotti for all this global warming nonsense!
Carbon Neutral = Curb Anal Tenor
Gentle touch needed
Carbon Neutral = No Carnal Brute
Buns are made of this !
Carbon Neutral = A Noble Currant
Grizzly at night
Carbon Neutral = Nocturnal Bear
Macho in space
Climate Change = Galactic He Men
Come up and see my hump back, sometime!
Climate Change = A Camel Etching
Preying on the brain damaged
Climate Change = A Glitch Menace
US female GI dies in Scotland, her tyre exploded!
After calling at a Q8 garage in Scotland to get a tyre repaired a female GI has become the victim of a TYREOIST attack, the tyre exploded after being pumped up by a suicide TYREOIST dressed in a kilt!
Jewel in carbon conspiracy nutters' crown
Climate Change = A Technical Gem
Buried treasure under those defrosting glaciers?
Climate Change = A Melting Cache
NCAA Basketball: New Rule
NCAA rules committee has approved the if-a-3-pointer-touches-the-rim it's worth .5 points. The rule applies to overtime only. Panic last second shots mean another overtime, and more revenues.
As in old dogs, new tricks
Climate Change = Teaching Camel
Blame adulterous drummedaries!
Climate Change = Cheating Camel
Agent Orange blamed for this mess
Climate Change = Chemical Agent
Attracts holy grail of nutters
Climate Change = Chalice Magnet
Red skies at night....
Climate Change = Magenta Cliche
Local Man Thinks He's the Duracell Bunny
Was spotted shoving batteries up his backside.
Local Gambler Quits
"How much do you bet I can stay away from the bookies? I bet ya fifty I can!", he said.
Accidents Will Happen
….A local hospital has so far correctly predicted.
Interesting TV fact #2
Due to the historically high rate of unemployment, Gilligan's Island is again the most popular daytime television show in America.
April Fools Day Aftermath Results in Various Injuries
Emergency room statistics spiked in the aftermath of AMC's Three Stooges Marathon. 42,123 poked eyes, 8,987 broken legs, and 12,897 assorted head injuries.
Chaz Bono Replaces Rascal Flatts' Lead Singer
Rascal Flatts lead singer was recently replaced by Chaz Bono. Band spokesman: "We didn't know about it until we noticed something missing in the dressing room. However, the fans remain clueless."
Interesting TV fact #!
If you stood all the reality stars who have appeared on television in the last 5 years shoulder-to-shoulder, they'd reach all the way to hell and back.
Rock Band Judas Priest Changes Name to "Priest"
The rock band Judas Priest has formally changed its name to simply "Priest," claiming the new name is much more scarier.
Obama's Daughters Kick Barney's Ass
President Obama's adorable children ripped the stuffing out of their purple dinosaurs in protest to Barney Franks 'Leave no Child's Behind' initiative.
Sarah Palin has Epiphany #10
"I just realized that I'll never have to survive on moose jerky again during the winter months!"
Sarah Palin has Epiphany #9
"I just realized that if I looked like Susan Boyle, no one would give me the time of day."
Dust Bin Union Refuses to Pick Up Trash under EU Mandate!
Citing 'Human Rights', collectors refuse to make collections which require evicting 12 family members from Romania that have taken up residence.
Garbage remains under control due to eating habits.
New Plague in UK: Thousands of Kids Left Hanging in Trees like Bats!
Parental problems continue as 1000's of spoiled kids now climb trees to avoid school and chores at home. Under Health & Safety laws no one is permitted to help them down and sidewalks 'full of shite.'
UK Gold Fish Freed: Pet Store Owner Still in Lock Down
Animal rights activists celebrated the return of 'Hu Nhu' the abused gold fish into his home waters of Macau. The pet store owner who sold him into slavery has been fined and confined to her home.
Michelle Misspeaks When Meeting French President!
Taken aback after looking down at 5'3" Nicolas Sarkozy, Michelle blurted,"I've got snails in my garden bigger than you!" Onlookers said the President didn't take it well, and retreated into his shell.
Obama Mandates New 'Mileage' Requirements
Doctors tell Pelosi, 70, she's gotten all the mileage she can get out of current medical enhansement techniques. Under pressure, Obama issues executive order exempting Speaker of House from law.
Obama Opens all Prisons and Pushes for Criminal Integration into Society!
West Coast Pundit to head council to rehab killers, gangsters and serial rapists. SFO tagged as Den Mother for Half Way House program: "He always wanted to get in bed with those guys..go for it!"
Another Day, Another Biden "Classic"
Biden Claims going to the Moon an "IMPOSSIBLE mission - just can't be done" Errr - NASA has ALREADY gone to the moon!
Obama: Finally, Peace in My Time!
Nukes are out, Rubber Bullets in. Barry claims disarming America will enable people throughout the world to leave their caves and practice their religion in peace. His job done, takes sabbatical.
Britney's lice ridden hair extensions
Stars and Stripes = Spread Star's Nits
Turned it blue!
Stars and Stripes = Tints Draper's Ass
Stars and Stripes = Starts Padre's Sin
Cucumbers Gone Missing from Michelle's Garden!
DC Cops say search narrows to either Barney Frank or Nancy Pelosi, while insiders say Michelle's dissatisfaction with Presidential Sex Life may have led to comments: "Finally, a Penis I'm Proud of!"
Probably Nicholas II or a previous Romanov?
Stars and Stripes = Ardent Tsar's Piss
Postal urine sample?
Stars and Stripes = Tartar Sends Piss
Pope 'Comes Clean' on Newest Scandal!
Italian cops called after ceremonial footbath touting humility and the'Love of Man' turns ugly as Pope caught in shower performing full body scrub and claiming absolution whilst fondling.
It's all in the linguine sauce
Stars and Stripes = Stirs Pasta Nerds
Unclothe the devil
Stars and Stripes = Strip Satan Dress
Really upset Greek foes
Stars and Stripes = Spartan Distress
Ancients wore it like a toga
Stars and Stripes = 'Tis Spartan Dress
Cute Chinese bears get aggravated by it
Stars and Stripes = Stir Panda Stress
Stars and Stripes = Spinster Ass Dart
Blame that waterboarding disclosure
Stars and Stripes = Partners Sadists
Flagging up ancient upset
Stars and Stripes = Spartan Distress
Destroy big boss poison
The Crucifixion = Ruin Toxic Chief
Blame Herod's attorneys
The Resurrection = Hence Terror Suit
Georgia "More Fun" Than Texas
For Pisces, Jupiter moves more deeply into your sign. The moon indicates research. If you are single, a meeting with an intoxicated isotope hydrologist at a ukelele recital will lead to embarrassment and soiled clothing.
All about tumescence
The Resurrection = Re: Hurt Erections
Kim Kardashian's "Throbbing Breasts"
Said poly-alloy spokesperson: "We just switch the poly-alloy on and off."
Sea Shanties Becoming More Popular
Neptune encounters Mercury in Aquarius. Turn that talent into money. Strong indications include false ears, miniature prisons, and pantomime hippos.
The Resurrection = O, Heretics' Return!
Life is a bowl of them
The Resurrection = Rent Out Cherries
Ghostly goings on at the Nation's Capitol
House and Senate "to disappear" behind poly-alloy sheeting; Obama staffer: "One option for the President to deal with the expected Republican (GOP) tsunami expected to hit this coming November".
Oranges and Lemons
Mercury moving into Capricorn indicates an ordering of home and hearth.. Mystical Pluto, though, matches you with someone unexpected. A defrocked priest with a drug problem will ruin your life.
Thick skinned beastie
The Resurrection = True Secret Rhino
How To Bake Your Own Pitta Bread
Sagittarians: a text from a loved one means more than it says. Employ a private detective to follow their every movement. A combination of edible underwear and Miley Cyrus can only mean trouble.
Sexagenarian birthday poser
The Resurrection = I Turn Threescore
Pope Denies Rape of the Lock
War-like Mars figures for Scorpios. Now is the time to strangle that traffic warden or poison a coypu family. A psychotic friend will need your help to dismember the body of a Market Research Assistant.
Britain Losing Consciousness
UK Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, has hailed the Christian churches as the conscience of the country. It is very clear that in five years time Britain will be unconscious. Gee thanks Gordon Brown!
AC/DC thunderbolt out of the blue
The Resurrection = Current Theories
Poly-Alloys will hide "President's Men" and "Teleprompters"
At future press conferences, "You will see the President, but not Axelrod or Rahm Emmanuel whispering in the President's ear and Obama's much criticized teleprompters will disappear."
Ecclesiastical estate agents
The Resurrection = Rectories' Hunter
The Resurrection = Neuter Chorister
Beyond the Big Bang: the Magnetic Monopole Problem
Librans are always rational and handle emotions well. The moon is in your money chart. Your partner need never know that the extra income comes from a sideline in prostitution and BDSM.
Pull the other one!
The Resurrection = Honest Recruiter
Spawned church fatcats
The Resurrection = Enriches Torture
New Poly-Alloys Will Turn Average House-Wife into Vogue Models
Disney to Film 3D Version of Richardson's "Clarissa"
The enigma of Pluto and the beneficient influence of Jupiter figure for Virgo. A giant Queen of Puddings containing an elderly centaur, or a riverside picnic at which a dryad appears, are both equally likely.
Jordan bra designer claims that "Jordan's breasts are actually 'twice the size' people think they are - our poly-alloys bend visible light around her breasts thus reducing their apparent size".
Pentagon takes a close look at Jordan's breasts
Surprised to hear that their F22 stealth coating which incorporates above-top secret wonder-alloys is used to support Jordan's assets.
Jordan's breasts trigger airport alarm
Turned out to be her bra which contains new poly-alloys with 500 times more strength than spider-silk.
Whale Spotted Near Whitby
Leos could find extra motivation to pursue personal goals. Mars fuels your love-life. A meeting at a sporting venue looks likely. A new one-legged friend will help you to win the three-legged race.
Royal Family Mere "Empty Ceremonial" Says Anarchist
Cancerians must choose between old and new. Will it be Edam again this week? Or will the presence of Jupiter help you to explore new horizons - why not try Wensleydale or Crumbly Lancashire?
Dutch Elm Disease Strikes Bishops
The moon can bring calm and efficiency into the lives of Geminis. Now is the time to dspose of those unwanted body parts where they'll never be found. Pluto stimulates odd desires. Periwigs and Canada Geese are strongly indicated.
New Head for Milk Marketing Board
Taureans can rely on Mercury to help clarify their goals. If you are contemplating a murder, then lingerie and the number 2324189765409870009.009 are strong indicators. Beware of Nepalese Firemen.
Nostradamus Wrong Again
For Aries, with Pluto in your ambitions chart, it could be time to start your own rook-slaughtering business. If you're single, a drink problem and a restraining order are indicated.
Advanced Automobile Technology
New cars produced in 2016 have to meet new government fuel efficiency and emission requirements. Additionally, a bitchy environmentalist squawking "not good enough" will be installed under the hood!
NEWSCASTER: California Democratic far left wing liberal tries to blow himself! NEWSCASTER to PRODUCER: Is the word up missing at the end? PRODUCER: No!
UN Drive-In Facility Opens
The UN is instantly awarding climatology degrees in a Northern California City. A noted climatologist said "why did I spend 12 f**king years studying this s**t when any moron can now get a degree?"
Cable company president apologizes to parents for accidentally showing section from Playboy Channel. Will be sure they are only cartoons blowing each others heads off from now on.
A dog first smells an item, then tries to eat it and eventually craps on the item! Sort of reminds me of the Democratic far left liberal loon's philosophy!
Breaking News 2013
President Sarah Palin and both Republican controlled Houses of Congress disband the EPA!
The 50% of climatologists who believe in man-made climate change have been shown to use a lot of laxatives. In other words these scientists are full of shit!
Democratic Liberals get Religion
There is an impending feeling of doom among far left wing Democrats! Mother Pelosi is seen as leading her flock to Armageddon in November 2010.
Docs Term For Erectile Dysfunction #11
According to a new study, most urologist who talk to their nurse in front of others usually calls the patient's erectile dysfunction: "The flubby chubby"
Doc's Term For Erectile Dysfunction #10
According to a new study, most urologist who talk to their nurse in front of others usually calls the patient's erectile dysfunction: "Bone, Postponed!"
Doc's Term For Erectile Dysfunction #9
According to a new study, most urologist who talk to their nurse in front of others usually calls the patient's erectile dysfunction: "The Salami Tsunami"
Doc's Term For Erectile Dysfunction #8
According to a new study, most urologist who talk to their nurse in front of others usually calls the patient's erectile dysfunction: "Lonely Baloney"
Doc's Term For Erectile Dysfunction #7
According to a new study, most urologists who talk to their nurse in front of others usually calls the patient's erectile dysfunction: "Aint-Aconda"
Doc's Term For Erectile Dysfunction #6
According to a new study, most urologist who talk to their nurse in front of others usually calls the patient's erectile dysfunction: "The worm has turned...down"
Doc's Term For Erectile Dysfunction #5
According to a new study, most urologist who talk to their nurse in front of others usually calls the patient's erectile dysfunction: "Head bowed in shame"
Doc's Term For Erectile Dysfunction #4
According to a new study, most urologist who talk to their nurse in front of others usually calls the patient's erectile dysfunction: "The half Monte"
Doc's Term For Erectile Dysfunction #3
According to a new study, most urologist who talk to their nurse in front of others usually calls the patient's erectile dysfunction: "On the Dole!"
Doc's Term For Erectile Dysfunction #2
According to a new study, most urologist who talk to their nurse in front of others usually calls the patient's erectile dysfunction: "Tragic Johnson"
Doc's Term For Erectile Dysfunction
According to a new study, most urologist who talk to their nurse in front of others usually calls the patient's erectile dysfunction: "He's down in the humps."
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