Spoof news snippets from Thursday 1 April 2010
Sarah Palin has Epiphany #8
"I just realized that if I don't have to have writing skills to write my own book, then I don't have to have executive skills to become President.
So Far, Not Many Sales
New 60MPG hybrid car to run on coal water drained off former mountaintops that have been blasted away and Great Spotted Owl piss.
Social Security Update
After Bush announcement that we would run out of social security by 2042, Obama updated that yesterday, saying we ran out this morning. "Businesses will have to pay more..if they come back."
Among the inventions left behind by the late Percy Flage, are a waterproof cover for lighthouses, an indelible egg pencil, a left-handed beetroot spoon , and lensed mirror glass for those afraid to stand close to their mirrors.
Impala Shortage Hits Midwest
Hi Taurus. You have been lovelorn for a long time. Many like you have found the study of the Flory-Huggins solution theory to be of inestimable benefit. Polymers can be a great comfort and inspiration.
No Sign of a Thaw
...while Reg Varney, the famous pianist, had an imaginary shoal of blind cave-fish. Not many are aware of Crossroads matriach Noele Gordon's imaginary Manta Ray. Not to mention Arthur Askey's imaginary Cuban Tree Frog.
The Joys of Motoring
Tired of TV Soaps? Weary of Reality TV? Sick of Celebrities? Why not switch off your TV and get a fucking life?
Hearth and Home
You've murdered that annoying Insurance Salesman. What to do next? Mrs Nobb from Devon has an excellent suggestion: "I cleaned mine out, stuffed him, and won 1st Prize in the Village Scarecrow Competition." A lesson to all, Mrs Nobb!
More Surrealist Invitations
Let my eels of desire smear the molten knees of Richard III on your albatross. Climb the amber whelk-mountain with me and my one-legged rhesus monkeys. The emerald nun awaits.
Around the WIs
Excitement at Lower Uplimping, where the Ratcatching and Donkey Slaughtering went well. The Gropeworthy sisters stove in the heads of 12 old mules. Mrs Thumper and Towser bagged 35 rats.. Reverend Tupple was unwell.
Obama Urges Patients?
President Barack Obama urges patients as new health care bill kicks in. I'm sorry, that should have been 'patience'.
Owls and Owling
with Victor Ludorum
Pallid, straw-hued, reeking faintly of old haddock, tasting of cabbage-water and rotten oysters. Pierre Trufflot's 1979 "La Mourrierrier"? No - yours truly after tasting it.
But You Cannot Sue Over Past Injuries
Atomic wedgies added to list of no-nos at the Geneva Convention this week.
What Made Milwaukee Obscure
For Pisces women, solvent abuse, particularly if shared with an organ grinder, is indicated. Sagittarians should watch out for tame owls. Do not allow your Liberian lodgers to keep a female slave if you are Capricorn.
A Good Sign
US car sales up as fewer and fewer employee family yard sales going on in the front lot.
Clocks To Go Back
Adelbert Greubelberger, The Silent Bugler, has had to cancel his second concert at The Hague's Milkweeg Koncerthoouis, after he strained his embouchure performing Rimsky-Korsakov's Flight of the Bumblebee during the first.
Home and Hearth
Preparing an eel pie for Easter Sunday this morning, I was reminded of our old enemy: Fish-Heads and what to do with them. Why not dry them out and line them up on the mantelpiece to frighten the Vicar?
Home and Hearth
with Aunty Jean
Don't throw away that copy of The People's Friend just yet. Rolled up, it is ideal for hitting your husband in the face, when he starts to snore.
Gordon Brown Comes Clean
Gordon Brown published his biograpphy today: 'Everything I know about politics I learned from 'Yes Minister.'
Native Americans Buy USA Back with Reservations
Surge in tax free casino profits. Native Americans dominate Forbes 500. They posed as Chinese investors and now own America. Pack your teepee Obama its a long walk to new political internment camps.
Let Junior Speak Up!
No, I'M the oldest dad: Dennis, 76, edges ahead of Gerry, 74, as Britain's eldest father. Then fight breaks out after one questioned about 54-year-old kid really belonging to father.
Shame in Spain
Shame in Spain! British student hordes cause outrage on five-day drink rampage through resort. "I'd take the Running of the Bulls any day", says shop owner.
Hero Nails Burglar
A DIY hero stopped a burglar from robbing a factory by sealing the only exit with a nailgun. Night watchman Simon Jayne noticed someone lurking inside."I guess I nailed him good",Jayne told police.
Sarah Palin has Epiphany #7
"I just realized that once I stepped onto Rupert Murdoch's yacht, I'd never have to step aboard a smelly fishing boat again."
Sarah Palin has Epiphany #6
"I just realized I can make a boatload more money by threatening to run for President than I ever could by actually being President."
Courtney Love locks herself in a broom-cupboard
Srike Struck Down!
National rail strike struck down after judge declares it to be illegal.
"Irish State-Owned Bank Racks Up Record Loss"
"Join the Club"
Sex Education Terms #11
Report says sex education teachers are using slang for staying celibate: "Once you go blind, it's a whole lot easier."
Sex Education Terms #10
Report says sex education teachers are using slang for staying celibate: "Hey Soda Pop! Where's Pony Boy?"
Sex Education Terms #9
Report says sex education teachers are using slang for staying celibate: "I'm A Yanky Doodle Dandy!"
Sex Education Terms #8
Report says sex education teachers are using slang for staying celibate: "Cold showers and posters of Grandma on the Bucket!"
Sex Education Terms #7
Report says sex education teachers are using slang for staying celibate: "Leave It To...Wally!"
Sex Education Terms #6
Report says sex education teachers are using slang for staying celibate: "Celibate! Celibate! Dance To The Music!"
Sex Education Terms #5
Report says sex education teachers are using slang for staying celibate: "Just say D'oh!"
Sex Education Terms #4
Report says sex education teachers are using slang for staying celibate: "Wham! Bam! Thank you PAM!"
Sex Education Terms #3
Report says sex education teachers are using slang for staying celibate: "The abstinence police are here for your uh..shorts."
Sex Education Terms #2
Report says sex education teachers are using slang for staying celibate: Her name is Suzy Squeezums!
Sex Education Terms
Report says sex education teachers are using slang for staying celibate: "Shake hands with Mr. Peabody"
In Number, In Size
Disney adding inactivity to latest cruise ship. Number of passengers double.
Web gets April Fools' makeover of goofy hoaxes. Mark Lowton is dead. We're all orphans!
Local Dog Solves Another Mystery
"And I couldn't have done it without Shaggy, Daphne, Velma and Fred", said Scooby Doo today.
He failed to mention Scrappy Doo - which is understandable…
iPad on FBI's Ten Most Wanted
FBI agents would really, really, really love to have a new iPad computer.
Others gadgets on the list include hovercrafts, robotic dogs and penis enlargers.
Man Breaks 'Missing' 11th Commandment
Local man Tommy Knocker broke the previously unheard of 11th Commandment today: Thou Shalt Not Forget The Eleventh Commandment.
I am at that age in life, if it weren't for liver spots and dry skin, I would have no skin at all.
Sarah Palin has Epiphany #5
"I just realized Manolo Blahnik doesn't make mukluks."
Music group EMI in dire straits. Lose court hearing to Mark Knopfler!
Another One Bites The Dust
Another 'American Idol' finalist eliminated. Protesters say they should be told about possibility of losing their life from the first audition.
It's A Stand-Off!
Study finds possible heart risk with prostate drug. Oddly enough, study also finds possible prostate risk with heart drug.
Need Help Making Decisions?
1 in 4 elderly need care decisions made for them. President Obama says that will be taken care of by the government once health bill fully in force.
Grave Starting To Collapse
Google: Online attacks aimed at Vietnam's critics. LBJ spins again.
Atom Smasher Reveals All!
Atom smasher will help reveal 'the beginning' or, at least, 'the beginning of the end'.
Mars rover Spirit misses communication session. One more time and it's parents will be called in.
A correction on yesterday's snippet: The Pope is infallible, not inflatable. Had all that flooding on my mind.
Doing Our Part
A scientist walks into a mall to watch people laugh. There's no punchline. Laughter is a serious subject, one that researchers are still trying to figure out. That's why this snippet isn't funny.
Government Motors Sales Up!
GM March sales up 21 pct as incentives, such as the government paying half, draw buyers. Ford Objects!
Hollywood A Dry Hole!
Reaction mixed to idea of East Coast drilling. "All that drilling that goes on in Hollywood has produced much oil", dissenters argue.
Absent Oil Leaves Room For More Seawater?
Reaction mixed to idea of East Coast drilling as Big Oil remind New Englanders that drilling down deeper might lower sea level, prevent flooding.
Ricky Martin and Barney Frank to Star in Brokeback Mountain Remake
The two will play caballeros in the Spanish remake titled 'Bareback Mountain'.
Obama to promote health bill's business benefits. "That is, any businesses left after forcing them to pay for insurance costs."
Militia suspect denies he was involved in any plot. Asks if President Obama can say the same?
Might Bring Dad, Kids Closer
Small taxes on soda do little to reduce soft drink consumption or prevent childhood obesity, but larger levies probably would, according to new research. "$2 per can will make them switch to beer."
Kerry Still Has It!
U.S. Senator John Kerry said on Thursday during a visit to Damascus that Syria is committed to engaging in peace making and is essential to the Mideast process, once Israel moves to upstate New York.
Army Head Detained
Soldiers detain head of Guinea-Bissau's army. All that's left after recent battle.
N.J. town marks first murder-free month in 44 years as Angelo Fatface receives key to the city.
Should Have Stayed Quiet?
Vatican lashes out against sex abuse coverage in the US, Britain. "Poor kids have been through enough."
"Ayet, There's A Crab In My Pants!"
New England floodwaters recede, but danger remains as lobsters, crabs after revenge.
Sherpa to carry Hillary's ashes to Everest summit. Bill says that if she's dead, the top of a cold mountain is the right place.
America Deeply Divided
Could the Hutaree spawn a Timothy McVeigh? Could the President's liberal policies spawn 100,000 Hutarees?
Pope Is Immune
Pope has immunity in sex-abuse trials, Vatican says. "Just read this 2500 page history."
Now she's blaming the Zulus' housekeeping
Calista Flocvkhart = Accost Kraal Filth
Oozing with oily chemicals
Calista Flockhart = Alkali Fats Crotch
Fallen on hard times!
Calista Flockhart = Hock All Artifacts
Dirty bum story
Calista Flockhart = Stark Cloaca Filth
Trouble about her carbon neutral breast implants?
Calsita Flockhart = Charcoal Tits Flak
Changing Hollywood's borderline personalities
Calista Flockhart = LA's Cathartic Folk
The new Jay Leno?
Calista Flockhart = Farcical Talk Host
Calista Flockhart = Hacks Clitoral Fat
Arctic Ice Back
FLASH: Arctic sea ice grows back to 'normal' for first time since 2001. Is Global cooling on the way?
Breakfasts with rooks and pawns
Charles Manson = Anal Chess Morn
Segregated into solitary at Corcoran State Penitentiary
Charles Manson = Conman Slasher
Plane Drops Helping
New England floodwaters recede, but danger remains as low flying planes drop sponges in really soaked areas.
Admirer of skinny Nazi queen
Charles Manson = Lean SS Monarch
In Rhode Island
New England floodwaters recede, but danger remains as 150-foot squid trying to make in back into waters.
Something fishy about his farming activities!
Charles manson = Ranches Salmon
New England floodwaters recede, but danger remains as upset sharks tackle anything that moves.
Etiolated by the Spahn Ranch tribe
Charles Manson = Hero's Clansman
Helter Skelter killer in chained antlers mystery
Charles Manson = Manacles Horns
Iran launches 'serious weapon'
"Just how serious", asks the Pentagon.
We Deliver Faster Than Drudge
This just in: Apparently there's new up-to-date articles on TheSpoof about the actor, Robert Pattinson.
Old Lady Bates Gone
This news just in from FEMA. Apparently Norman Bates mother has been found dead after flood waters recede.
List of "Most powerful UK celebrities" includes George Clooney who hails from Kentucky - said one Lister from Red Dwarf, "Kentucky is obviously in the UK."
US Naval Forces Confiscate Mother
U.S. naval forces say they've captured five pirates after exchanging fire with them, sinking their skiff and confiscating their mother. I'm sorry, that should have been, "mother ship".
UN Backs Russian Cruelty Plan
Russia's Medvedev promises 'crueler' measures toward terrorists. UN approves: "Just as long as it's not the US doing it."
New Fuel Rules
Fuel efficiency rules aimed at advanced vehicles. Also more severe penalties for those alcoholics siphoning off gasohol.
Fewer Unemployed Giving Up?
New claims for unemployment benefits drop slightly as less people jumping off buildings.
Obama to leave the Presidency
Barack Obama, 44th President of the USA, will resign from his post effective noon tomorrow. "I hate all those long dinners" he declared. Obama prefers southern fat fried chicken. Pass the KFC bucket.
New Gov. Departments #8
New Government departments most didn't realize were in the new health care bill: Citizens Rewards Dept. For Those Squealing On Tea Party.
New Gov. Departments #6
New Government departments most didn't realize were in the new health care bill: Dept. For Public Whippings Under New Sharia Law Enforcement.
New Gov Department #5
New Government departments most didn't realize were in the new health care bill: Department For New Islamic USA.
New Gov. Departments #4
New Government departments most didn't realize were in the new health care bill: Committee For Back-Pay For TheSpoof Writers.
Obama weaseling out of office
US President Barack Obama will hand in the Presidency effective noon tomorrow. He says that Michelle has threatened to burn down the White House if he refuses to resign. Pass the fire extinguisher.
New Gov. Departments #3
New Government departments most didn't realize were in the new health care bill: Dept. of Pork Barrel Spending For Democrats Only.
Scientists find wonder drug that cures canker sores
Critics argue that the drug has only been tested on mice. As one critic put it: "If you are a mouse with a canker sore we have a treatment for you."
New Government Departments #2
New Government departments most didn't realize were in the new health care bill: Bureau of Chinese & Indian Doctors Hired To Replace American Doctors Who Quit.
New Government Departments
New Government departments most didn't realize were in the new health care bill: Dept. Which Half The Country Now Belonging to China.
"First night of risqué burlesque show gets out of hand"
One wonders in what way.
Barack Obama resigning in protest
US President Barack Obama will resign from his post effective noon tomorrow. He said that the food and lodgings in the White House are third rate and he could do better at People's Palace. Good luck.
Obama administration says they will not raise taxes to pay huge national debt, but will place a 5% government cashing fee on all company checks.
Obama wants out...now
Washington, Thursday. President Barack Obama will resign the presidency effective noon tomorrow. He says that Joe Biden is impossible to work with and can't stop his habitual cussing. Take that Joe.
Sarah Palin has Epiphany #4
"I just realized Rupert Murdoch is just a dirty old man interested only in my looks, and therefore, I am no longer going to take any more of his dirty money."
Obama has had enough!
Barack Obama will resign the US Presidency at noon tomorrow to go play golf with Tiger Woods in Dubais. He's heard that the women are loose and free there and Tiger is a great chick magnet!
Paris Hilton Movie #72
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "The Curious Cas Of Benjamin's Mutton"
Paris Hilton Movie #71
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "The Wild Hunch!"
Paris Hilton Movie #70
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "The Best Steer Of Our Lives"
Census Has Personal Questions
Return rate for census is high in region, on everything from beer conferences to paint huffing.
Nepalese Sherpa to climb Everest for 20th time. "It's part of doctor's advice to keep the old ticker going!"
President Not Making Much Headway Against Gangs
DC police look to stop shooting paybacks; 5 dead. Officers say they hope the drug gang war doesn't spill over into White House.
Custom may explain dumping of dead babies in China. So far, that hasn't yet been adopted here.
New Tougher Policies
Pope sees sex scandal as test; If bell attached to privates rings while new priests view photos, they will be disqualified.
Which States Pay Highest Overall Gas Prices? The one with the most drivers, of course.
Palin, Fox News, LL Cool J tangle over phantom interview. The Phantom to be on Good Morning America today.
New England floodwaters recede, but danger remains as icebergs come in from the north.
Pope On Sex Scandal
Pope sees sex scandal as test; bishops urge reform. "We've got to keep these priests zipped up!"
Who Do I See Around Here About:
#19 Shakin' my groove thing?
Who Do I See Around Here About:
#18 Things going swimmingly?
Sarah Palin has Epiphany #3
"I just realized how much I hate tea, and have decided to quit the Tea Party."
Sarah Palin has Epiphany #2
"I just realized I am not presidential material, and instead want to buy a Harley and travel the Alaska wilderness with Todd forever."
Sarah Palin has Epiphany #1
"I just realized that I am never going to win a major election, so instead, I want to go to Haiti and help the poor folks who so desperately need it."
President Obama Rewards Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi Big Time
by signing a bill that gives each of their home states of Nevada and California, respectively, $100 billion dollars each to do with as they may as long as the money goes toward social programs.
Britain's Longest Running Argument Enters Fifth Day
Two British people who cannot let anyone have the last word entered a fifth day of argument today with them both saying, "talk to the hand". This one could run and run.
Politician Lie Free Day
For this first day of the second quarter, all politicians of the world have vowed not to lie. For an entire day!
Spoof News to Be Taken Seriously
All news at The Spoof today is to be taken seriously as the the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Thin LIZZY - simply the best
see supra - RIP Phil.
Liberal Left Wing Democrat Sues Doctor for Malpractice
A lawsuit charges that the surgeon removed the entire "Asshole" instead of only the Hemorrhoids!
San Francisco CA to take in 5 Billion People
A solution to the world's economic problems has been found. The Mayor of SF invited 5 billion of the world's population to his city. House Speaker Pelosi to personally provide transportation costs!
We Live in Interesting Times
A group of Gay Rights Activists surrounded the Westboro Baptist Church in KS, expressing their first amendment rights about Church members! The activists carried signs that read "Support The Troops!"
The EPA has verified that Democratic far left wing liberal loons shit does indeed stink!
Message from Alpha Centauri
A message from large business owners on planets circling the star Alpha Centauri to President Obama has been decoded. It says "Let my people do Capitalism!"
"Spot the Left Wing Loonies"
Frothing at the mouth left wing protesters, professing to know all the answers, have been seen in California! Schwarzenegger asks Obama for federal aid to isolate the rabid bats causing the epidemic.
You're Kidding, Right!
President Obama resigns, VP Joe Biden retires and House Speaker Pelosi becomes president. April fool!
Phony Intellectual Left Wing Liberals Ignore the First Amendment
Code Pink, rabid environmentalists, PETA, zero growth nuts and SF CA Democratic far left liberals missed their elementary school classes on free speech applying to everyone, not just themselves!
President Obama 'in the groove'
US businesses say the biggest impediment to hiring more workers is their fear of future taxes.
Heather Mills - Smoked and Kippered
Nanny claims 'abuse of power' and overbearingness because her boss asked her to pass her a plate of cooked kipper. "It was dead - I was appalled that she asked me to do that".
Smoke, Eat Our Way Out!
California Tax Commission states that legalizing marijuana would bring in over a billion and a half dollars. That and a tax on munchies would get state out of debt!
President Obama to name Blue Ribbon Panel to oversee the next Pabst Beer Conference.
Paris Hilton Movie #62
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "The Good, The Bed & The Ugly!"
Paris Hilton Movie #69
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "Brief, On Counter!"
Paris Hilton Movie #68
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "A Cigar Named Desire"
Paris Hilton Movie #67
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "Ed's Wood"
Paris Hilton Movie #65
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "Children Of Kin"
Paris Hilton Movies #66
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "The Princess's Pride"
Paris Hilton Movie #64
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "The Incredible Edibles!"
Paris Hilton Movie #63
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "The Asphalt Jingle"
Paris Hilton Movie #61
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "Requiem For An Old Queen"
New Paris Hilton Movie #60
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "Log Day Afternoon"
Paris Hilton Movie #59
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "Adult Toy Story"
Paris Hilton Movie #58
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "The Big Lapboneski"
Get Spoof News in your email inbox!