Spoof news snippets from Saturday 26 September 2009
Another Great Discovery
After a recent discovery of frogs without lungs in Indonesia, there has been an unconfirmed report of a llama without manners in Argentina.
Feeblepisser Sues WallyMart
WalMart Superstore being sued by Ferd Feeblepisser because he calms he just doesn't see any super activities going on there.
Not Much Of A Superpower
Geek disappointed after marrying Chernobyl lady as first son, although he does have unusual powers, is referred to as "The Lightning Bug!"
Three of Disney World's dwarfs badly beaten by street lady along Orange Blossom Trail after over hearing them calling her a high ho!
Where's Dick Cheney?
Joe Biden update: He calls some fellow Democrats 'turkeys'. "All they do is talk 'gobbledegook!"
Fresh bailouts for smaller banks now being weighed...so go fetch piggy!
Lots Of Construction Needed
Obamacare: Buy insurance or go to jail! "It's Obamacare or death!" 100,000,000 prepared to go to jail.
Should Have Been More Constant
A judge on earlier ruling for a plan to make California the first state to require Algebra and English for all 8th graders, foiled by students learning to speak algebra.
MacKenzie Phillips To Star In New Comedy
MacKenzie will star in an updated version of the TV series that made her famous in the '70's. The new show is to be called 'One Dad At A Time.'
Sheik Looking For A Deal
According to the Drudge Report, the legless sheik, Khaled al-Harbi, is out stumping for direct talks between Iran and IHOP.
An Indianapolis, Indiana woman who is bi-polar tells doctors that they MUST help her or one of those bears is going to kill her.
The new Japanese life-like all-male "Robot For The Lonely Lady" is being recalled for loose nuts. However, none have been returned as yet.
Fat Duck's Duck Fat
More than 500 diners who suffered food poisoning after eating at Heston Blumenthal's Fat Duck restaurant have been offered a free meal. Bacteria believed to have been found in duck fat.
Heinz Kissinger fllees Nazi Germany and arrives in America
Rumors abound that the man has changed his name and now hobnobs with royalty in the United States.
Burned customers bringing real syrup to pankcake houses
Customers suffering chemical burns from decomposed aspartame syrups are now brining in their own syrups made from real maple sugar. Henry Kissinger started this trend when he was spotted doing it.
Sensitivity to aspartame to be deeply probed
The pure aspartame is to be stuffed into all body cavities in an effort to see how much it improves quality of life. Subjects are already reporting feeing high.
Armenia revels in its chess prowess
At school, students act out chess games with real swords and death. They soon learn to carefully consider their moves.
Speedier tests for cancer planned
Per Obama health plan, grandma will be tied to a chair and dunked in a solution of water and pure aspartame for ten minutes. If she survives this, she will be pronounced terminal and killed.
Man who discovered gold in English field now toothless
"When the Crown claimed the treasure, they also somehow wound up with MY crown - all my gold teeth," lisped the discoverer of the largest find of gold in English history.
George Lucas and Spielberg piss on another cherished franchise !
After the "success" of the Star Wars prequels & Indiana Jones IV, Spielberg and Lucas have announced their plans to revamp the 10 Commandments casting Papa Smurf as God and Captain Birdseye as Moses
All meat is the same in China - Homeless dissapearing in America
Chinese-American relations improved markedly since homeless people have been decreasing even as unemployment goes up. "We like spicy aspartame flavored American meat," the Chinese leader said.
Obama To Name Scar Czar
President Obama creates the position of Scar Czar who will oversee the nation's cosmetic surgeons.
Goverment puts the cabash on Ooogling Books
Boogle, the new online book company, has been defeated by school boards fearful that children, once they start reading books online, may not need schools anymore.
New Mary Travers Tribute
Elton John to do tribute song to Mary Travers, "Like A Hippy Sandal In The Wind".
Elderly should not touch animals, young scientist says
The problem is odor. Old man smell is very bad for animals. It disrupts their natural order. Once an animal picks up this smell, it is ostracized by fellow animals. Kids also hate that smell.
Diaireai Brown, the illusionist, makes his audience stick to their chairs
When he passed out Methos and aspartame cola to the crown in his latest event, several people rocketed through the ceiling on columns of brown liquid shooting out their butts at hypersonic velocities.
Last ranked baseball team will wear clown suits next year
The clown teams will then be forced to walk from city to city towing their baseball gear in clown carts. They will have to wear those big silly clown shoes -- triping them when they try to run.
UN council endorses nuclear curbs
Tests of the nuclear curbs in Nevada prove that they can vaporize all current SUV models. GM is working on a new model that may defeat the nuclear curbs.
Sorry About That
Atlanta, Georgia man embarrassed after forgetting to turn off Jimmy Buffet's "Let's Get Drunk & Screw" ringtone during funeral service.
U.S. Charges 'Afghan Stan' With Bombing Pot
Stan was smoking pot and drinking aspartame laced drinks. When he got really high, he confessed that he was going to make a stink bomb with the hair bleach he had just purchased.
Tainted dollars recalled on swine flu contamination fears are spreading swine flu faster than ever
When these confiscated dollars are burned, the virus is getting airborne and infecting people down-wind. In a rare spirit of public sacrifice, bankers have agreed to pocket the bills.
Not Even Bush Tribe
Archaeologists who discover another "lost tribe" in the rain forest of Brazil say they don't have a word for "Nucklar".
Iceland monetizes whalemeat, having run out of money
Whales are swimming as fast as they can away from Icelandic waters as maniacal fishermen hunt them down to trade them for Japanese cameras. Whale is the official currency of Iceland now.
Spate of terrorism arrests not connected to terrorism, say analysts
They say these are not connected. This means that the arrests are not connected by terrorism. So, they are not connected to terrorism. So, these people were just arrested for the hell of it.
Air Guitars Outsold!
According to a new story in The Rolling Stone Magazine, Air Banjos are now outselling Air Guitars in the nation's south
UNFPA's new aspartame feeding stations are working to end hunger
Starving people around the globe are flocking to the UN aspartame feeding stations where they are getting a last meal composed of 8 ounces of pure aspartame. The meal cures hunger - permanently.
Mr. T. Explains 911 Call!
Mr. T, who had to call 911 yesterday says that he was not attempting erotic hanging by gold chains after being found naked. "I was just trying to put on my underwear after a shower & got tangled up!"
AIDS Vaccine Shows Positive Gains Via Killing the Vectors
The new AIDS vaccine actually kills anyone exposed to the AIDS virus within five hours. Mandatory application of the vaccine in an inhalation mist via spray planes is to be completed this fall.
FEMA Helping Town Hall Survivors
FEMA has announced that they are half way through helping all those injured during town hall meeting fights after recent Obama speeches.
David Blaine's New Caper
"Good Morning America" will feature David Blaine once again next week, when he will attempt to listen to Obama's recorded Health Care speeches for two solid weeks without going mad.
Tourists crowd to see giant Texan baby as it rips cows apart with its bare hands
The baby, born to an aspartame swilling Texas woman, has a taste for raw meat and aspartame. The National Aspartame Society claims the monster is not due to aspartame consumption.
Army of detainees with remote controlable brain attachments attacks US emassy in Cuba
US teenagers are unwittingly attacking the US embassy in Cuba with humans turned into remote control robots by the Army. When the kids play the video games, the human robots act out the moves.
Big Study On Obesity
A new obesity report said to claim obesity hitting everyone and everything, but contains 9,000 pages, too thick to read by most.
Apes Evolving Faster Tah Man
New study finds that apes are evolving faster than man. Point to last three presidents. No ape wars since early 1970's and that was in movies.
Embryo mix-up woman's elephant baby kills zoo keeper
The baby elephant born to a Denver woman last night has killed the zoo keeper and escaped. Citizens are warned to stay indoors and avoid opening any bags of peanuts.
There You Have It!
Teens with own cars have more crashes, study finds, than those who own horses and buggies. Study conducted by Amish Community.
Endangered Ugandan gorillas join Facebook, MySpace. Pandas, baby Bengal tigers stage cute walk-out.
Berlusconi, Pope Meet
Berlusconi, pope meet 1st time since sex scandal. "What the pope does on his own time is no affair of mine", states Berlusconi.
Obama Defends Decisions
AP sources: Gitmo closing goal of January may slip. Obama replies, "We didn't promise what year in January."
You Made That Up
The Netherlands called Tehran's presumed weapons program "a major challenge to international peace and security." Iran came back and said there was no such thing as the Netherlands.
A Liberal Democrat has been cleared of insulting a Conservative colleague by calling her a witch. However, he was found guilty of calling her a bitch! The woman has a black cat & a husband called Ron.
Conan O'Brian Head Injured
Conan O'Brien hits head during 'Tonight' stunt. "Never butt heads with Whoopi Goldberg warns late night talk show host.
Another Record Falls
Afghan civilian deaths hit record high in August, breaking the old Soviet Union killings of 1981.
Numbers In Our Brains
By carefully analyzing brain activity, scientists can tell what number a person has just seen, research now reveals, after winning national lottery.
Obama offers Iran 'serious, meaningful dialogue' about his health care plan. Iran reps walk out.
Celebrates 100th At Work
NJ woman celebrates 100th birthday at work. "Everyone at home died years ago", jokes happy employee.
What Was That?
Health fears that NHS switch to cheaper drugs could put millions of patients at risk of side-effects. Several already appearing as circus freaks.
Worse For Swear
Why we're all worse for swear: A third of Britain is bombarded by foul language every ********five minutes!
Those Things Are Everywhere
Miliband refuses to rule out military action against Iran after discovery of a second secret nuclear plant..third secret nuclear plant.
Why do we bother? Residents sort rubbish into boxes... then it's all dumped in together. "Because this is the way it has always been done, of course."
Scots Searching Brits
English passengers arriving at Scottish airports on internal flights are being forced to show their passports, it has been revealed. England vows to return favor, make sure kilts are lifted.
"We Are Confident"
Thousand passengers stranded after two Eurostar trains break down and more delays expected today as officials say it'll probably break down once again.
Indian Summer Here
Barbecues at the ready, as Indian summer looks set to continue. Be sure to bring some scalped potatoes!
Traffic Warden Found Choked To Death
Traffic warden 'badgered mother to move her car' as she tried to stop her baby from choking to death. "Move along now and do your choking elsewhere."
Two mothers banned from looking after each other's children... because they're not registered childminders. Neither are registered as mothers or even, human being.
"I Knew They Were In There."
Loiusville, Kentucky man who claimed that spider eggs were hatching in his ears is better now that his ears disappeared during the night. However, he can no longer wear his glasses.
Google Earth tells tall people in English to stand in the back row or else, not everyone will be seen.
More Excitement In Atlanta
Crowd gathers in street in Atlanta to watch man run out of gas trying to parallel park a Hummer for 35 minutes..
Good Old Madoff
A new poll shows that, behind his/her back, most office turds are now called "Bernie".
One glass of red wine a day 'can prevent a comet strike'
Doctors have suggested that a moderate intake of red wine can prevent the annihilation of the human race through a collision with a comet or other large rock-based space debris.
XBOX reveal new Matchstick Cathedral Building game
XBOX have produced a new video game which allows players to virtually build a replica of Winchester Cathedral out of matchsticks.
Whips 'too kinky'
Whips have been classified as 'too kinky' under the government's new Kinkiness Index. It now carries a 6 month jail term, along with candle wax and clothes pegs.
Tourettes to be new Olympic discipline
Tourettes Syndrome has been added to the roster of Decathalon events for athletes competing in the 2012 olympics. Competitors will have to swear at crowds along the routes of a 10,000 metre run.
Barack Obama to be new presenter of 'Runaround'
President Barack Obama will front a new version of the 70s childrens' quiz show 'Runaround', following in the footsteps of Mike Reid, Bill Oddie and poet Seamus Heaney.
MPs 'smell of piss'
A study carried out by scientists at Oxford University have proved conclusively that 94% of MPs 'smell of piss' or other urine-derived products.
'Strictly Dog Fighting' starts tonight on BBC1
Celebrities work with professional dog fighters in savage 10 minute fights with other celebrities. Susan Boyle and her alsatian Floppy fight Katie Price and her handler Keith Chegwin.
Iran has hidden 'Iran'
Iran admitted today that they have been hiding part of 'Iran' inside a mountain against the wishes of the UN.
Activist groups with any cause and a computer can get government funding. A group called "Clean Up Horse Poop in the Streets" is loudly asking Congress for funding. They will probably get some!
International Glaziers Union stages protest for increased wages and benefits by breaking windows!
Osama bin Laden's latest audio tape asks European soldiers to leave Afghanistan and he also wants a Pepperoni pizza with Anchovies. NATO says we deliver, what's your address?
ACORN Internal Investigation
ACORN investigating itself! This probe equates to Al Capone sending Frank Nitti to investigate his Chicago gangsters.
The Great Pretender
Pretender President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has been lying about Iran's nuclear weapons program. The lights briefly went out while he was speaking at the UN and he could be seen glowing in the dark!
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