Spoof news snippets from Monday 21 September 2009
Wife's Body In Freezer
A Las Vegas man who confessed to killing his wife hid her body in a freezer for two years, police said Friday. "It took awhile but this cold case is solved", states police chief.
Bunny Hop Pics Destroyed
President Obama's personal guards destroy all films and pics of President doing the Bunny Hop while visiting seniors in Florida. "He has two left thumpers", says one old Republican.
Grandfather Makes Commitment.
Seventy-Six-year-old goth grandfather had his ears, walker and bag dyed black.
Al Gore announced today that Superman has had to move his Fortress of Solitude to Mars due to global warming.
Bigfoot Identified - Shit Found In Washington State
Scientists followed an Andrex trail from a giant toilet in the NW woods. A young Bigfoot was found wound in tissue, suffocated at the end of the roll. "He may have been playing" says Dr Bob Hope, UCLA
Two WalMarts Close In Nashville
Two WalMart Stores closed in Nashville, Tn. over the weekend, the first time that has ever happened. WalMart blames the closings on the opening of two new Super Walmarts in North & East Nashville.
Sunny days shi'ite weather
Muslims are infatuated with bingo. It's not because they actually enjoy it they just can't be arsed to make the pilgrimage to the holy land, and opting for the Mecca Bingo in Stockton On Tees
American Investors Turn To Grandpa Withers!
What do leading financial advisers on Wall Street advise for individuals in 2010 after current recession? "Inherit every penny you can!"
Bush Defends Cheney
Former president Bush says any investigation into Dick Cheney activities are pure politics. "It's nothing more than a temple in a teapot!"
Going Whole Hog!
New health study reveals that lard is better for you than trans fats. Hundreds of trans fats farmers switch back to raising hogs.
Rolling Stone Names Rolling Stones
The Rolling Stone Magazine names Bob Dylan's "Like A Rolling Stone" #1 single of all time. The all-time greatest group: The Rolling Stones!
Death of a sales pitch
Kellogg released their new Blueberry Muffin Caramel Chocolate Brownie Swirl Pop-Tarts today, in a continued effort to make their product taste like everything except Pop-Tarts.
Hit The Road
Tires from China recalled after one US inspector reported that the bad tires could lead to "a chain reaction that could destroy our whole planet." Still another stated, "Tires are below standards."
Yes We Can!
In one of five TV interviews yesterday, President Obama was asked if his new health care plan included help for village idiots wandering into town halls.
Theater Wiped Out
A blonde bombshell has went off after walking over an open air vent that forced her dress up over her head, revealing huge belt of explosives instead of boobs.
Kurds, Turks, Palestinians, Shiites, Sunnis, Afghanistan, Israel, Iran, Pakistan, Taliban begin "extremely difficult" negotiations. First, there are a few religious clarifications.
US throw Atomic bomb at Afghanistan!
The US have admitted failure in Afghanistan, thrown a "nuke" at the shithole and claimed victory! Burnt Taliban turbans littered the sky whilst Bin Laden vowed "an even bigger FATWAH on the US" Oops!
Bush Critical Of Obama
Former president George W. Bush has accused Barack Obama of not taking enough time off. "That indicates to the enemy that you're scared shitless", states Bush, now on permanent vacation.
Not About Race!
Criticism of Obama 'Not about race,' says new poll of white people! "It's about having one of "those people" in the White House."
Former President Jimmy Carter became very upset during the TV interview with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad when the Iranian President stated that Mr. Peanut never existed.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad sat down with Ann Curry for an Interview on the "Today" show. He said that he invented the "headspin" for football games & proceeded to show Curry who nearly broke her neck.
Crows Are Amazing
Crows remarkable abilities once again impress scientists as the first crow was launched into earth's orbit this morning. Will come down Friday into nest in the Rockies.
Dug Up ACORN Info
"Brown Throat" who added info to secret films revealing secret ACORN activities, thought to be one Rocky J. Squirrel, retired actor.
Kayne Wins Emmy
Kayne West won an Emmy last night for "Person Who Made The Biggest Ass of Himself During Live TV Show".
Escaped Maniac Found Riding "The Maniac's Escape"
Crazed killer who got away from officials at park caught this morning as he staggered from 200th ride on roller coaster.
Japanese Tourists Attacked By Bear
Pictured: The terrifying moment bear savages nine people at a bus stop in Japan. Picture taken by park ranger.
New Viagra-Type Cream
Anti-impotence lotion that offers instant results and no side-effects will be ready in ten years. Worked 9 out of 10 times with rats, Madoff's cellmate.
Fire Brigade union to give up helping firemen
The Fire Brigade Workers Union has decided to stop helping its members as it has found that meddling in international affairs is much more enjoyable.
Fred the Shrek to sue former bank manager
It was announced in fairyland today that Fred the Shrek is suing Fred the Shred for bringing his name into disrepute.
Be Sure to Check
Worshipers at the church at Our Lady Of The Nudist Colony told to be sure to "Wipe their ass!' before sitting in Pew.
Mark & Spencer Walk Out
Bishop says Church 'needs to shed Marks & Spencer image and attract Aldi worshippers, those from WallyMart Faith to sit on the wide benches.'
Police 60% Male?
Police forces failing to record 40 per cent of rape claims. Insist that victims go through reenactment.
Middle Class Hit Hard
Middle class students to be hit with higher fees, fewer grants and bigger loan repayments. "Why not add 'handful of shit?"asks one.
We're Not Paying!
Families living in £1m homes face 'mansion tax' under radical plans unveiled by Liberal Democrats. Several indigents object from over 40 mansions where they are squatters.
Thief Magician Missing
Magician Brian Hasteteller, accused of owing millions accused of staging his own disappearance.
Struggling author hits rock bottom
William Hurt, 22, committed suicide Sunday after finding himself writing fanfiction for his own books in an effort to try to get someone to read them.
Man's halftime marriage proposal based on references to "Oregon Trail"
Ella Whitmore, 27, was stunned and dismayed to watch the words: "You are the ox that pulls the wagon of my heart. Let's ford the river of love together!" appear on the Jumbotron on Sunday.
Petrol price drops by over 40p a litre.
Great news for drivers as the price of petrol plummeted today.........in Saudi Arabia.
Famous journalist retires
A famous journalist from the Guardian Newspaper has today retired from journalism and gone to write for the Sun.
New electric eco-car fails government test
The new eco-car from British carmaker Reliant failed in tests today when the weight of the electric cable drum broke the car's suspension.
RSPCA new claim about dogs
The RSPCA officially acknowledged today that dogs cannot bark underwater.
New health hazard discovered in connection with coal
Former UK miner's leader Arthur Scargill was today officially deemed as a health hazard and will now have to carry a health warning.
X Factor Winner announced
The winner of the 2009 X-Factor title has been leaked two months in advance as a piece of plywood from East Sussex.
UK government bans weather
The weather has been banned from the UK as the government can't slap a tax on it.
Chancellor to tax rich
the Chancellor has declared that he injtends to tax the rich because the poor have no money.
UK Postal Strike Called Off
The proposed UK postal strike has been called off due to ballot papers not arriving having been posted first class last week.
Indians Reject Redskins.
Native Americans say they are embarrassed by sports teams calling themselves Redskins, Indians, especially after the way those teams have been playing.
Boxers To Donate Brains
Many of world's leading boxers say they will donate brains to science for study of effects of concussion. George Foreman states "We were already brain-damaged or we wouldn't have entered the sport."
Many Consider Suicide
Eight million Americans consider suicide each year, usually around Holidays when in-laws overstay their welcome. Twenty million consider homicide.
We All Scream
Ben & Jerry's battles Häagen-Dazs by hiring more screamers for their ice cream than opponent.
Iran Leader Refuses To Read Truth
Ahdminejade wrong about there being no holocaust, according to Snopes.Com.
Dementia, Hee Hee Hee, Underestimated
The future global burden of Alzheimer's and other types of dementia has been underestimated, say UK experts. Points out Serena Williams, Kayce West outbursts last week.
Thai King Stable In Hospital
Thailand king stable in hospital. Over 200 patients moved out so over one hundred horses can be moved in.
Spirit Airlines Fined
DOT to fine Spirit Airlines up to $375,000. Say they served too many spirits during flights.
Wizard In Hi-Def
'Wizard of Oz' goes hi-definition for 70th anniversary. May be able to see Tin Man's tooter.
Swine Flu Shots About ready
CDC: First swine flu vaccines may be either nasal spray or having a shot from a needle used by vets on horses. Depending if you're a masochist or into huffing.
Swamp Gas Again
UFO's reported in Louisiana said to be swamp gas released from school kids having farting contest in nearby swamp.
UFO Was Rocket Launch?
NASA says it successfully launched a rocket in Virginia as an experiment, and the blast may have caused dozens of people to report seeing strange lights in the sky. People say lights were there first.
Marine Faking Wound
Marine charged with faking war wounds for gain. Claimed small penis had part of it shot off by sniper.
Calling The Weird News
An insane killer was recaptured Sunday, three days after he slipped away from the staff of a mental institution during a trip to a county fair. Staff members now declared insane also.
Wine Into More Groceries
Coalition is again red-eyeing wine sales in grocery stores. We need to reach the bum market with cheaper wine, states one bum present, from over in the corner.
Cowboys Lose Home Opener
The Dallas Cowboys lost the opener in their new stadium in Dallas as players stop to watch cheerleaders on new giant screen.
Tina Fey took the stage to acknowledge a guest actor Emmy she received for her Sarah Palin impersonation on "Saturday Night Live" plus Al Franken got one for impersonating a US Senator.
Aspirin A Jekyll/Hyde Effect
Researchers: Aspirin cuts colon cancer risk, holes into the lining of you stomach, esophagus, chances of heart attacks. You pays your money & you takes your chances.
Adminejade Denies It's Happening
Report: 35 million-plus worldwide have dementia, even a larger percentage in world leaders.
Help On The Way
House moves to extend unemployment benefits plus supplement the little paid to employees at WallyMart.
Graduates To Pay More Income Tax
Student Union leadership says there is no chance that students will avoid the tax by leaving unversity just before graduation.
Red Rag Inoffensive Says Colour Blind Bull
Bullfighters sacked a colour-blind bull in Spain after it refused to be riled by a red rag.
Ex-President Bush Promises Quick Response To Hurricane Katrina
Former US President George W. Bush has promised an rapid emergency response to Hurricane Katrina. Team expected in New Orleans any day now to deal with aftermath of 2005 natural disaster.
King Size Beds The Norm In Dallas Hospital As Number Of Obese Patients Rise
King size beds have replaced single beds in a Dallas hospital because most patients are obese. The hospital bought cranes, a winch and a scissor lift after nurses complained of back pain.
New Vitamin Supplement
Vegans are all upset about a new vitamin supplement that contains cow's milk, which adds 25 years to the human life span.
How do you tell a PETA raised chicken from a fresh chicken? The PETA raised chicken says "Cluck Cluck," while the fresh chicken says "your mother wears Army shoes!"
Recognizing an Ersatz Liberal
Before age 65: "We must reform Social Security, reduce Medicare costs and provide health care coverage for everyone." After 65: "You touch my entitlements and I break your fingers!"
Thank the Iranian Ladies
US Iran foreign policy is working. Large groups of Iranian young women raised on satellite TV/Internet reject Islamic dress for tight jeans, low-cut tops and strapless dresses. Mullahs going spastic!
People of New York!
Rev. Sharpton speaks to Gov. Paterson of NY about his re-election bid, with concern that Democrats do what is best for Special Interest groups. Was he advising Gov. Paterson to drop out is unknown?
Left wing liberal loons imply government run DoD spends too much money. Yet these same loons are calling for big government run health care, which will make Pentagon spending look like chump change!
Is Ann Coulter actually Ayn Rand reincarnated?
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Defined
Iranian protesters view President Ahmadinejad as a pretender, after his fraudulent election. President Obama views Ahmadinejad as a negotiator and Russian Prime Minister Putin uses him as a pawn.
New Passport Requirements
Passports are now required to go from the USA to Canada, Mexico and the Caribbean. The US Department of State is considering a similar proposal for traffic between the Blue and Red states!
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