Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 15 September 2009
'Crude' movie premiere has Chevron board in stitches...
The supermajor's libel lawyers reckon the damages settlement will easily result in the doubling of stockholders' dividends next year!
Homosexuality Latest Fashion
At least, if you saw New York Fashion Week, you'd think so!
Brown Speech Impediment Hampers Message to TUC
PM's inability to say letter "N" in some words stopped him making himself understood at TUC conference. "I knew there would be a whole bunch of cuts here today" was how it came out. Whoops.
Rogue football theorist postulates existence of "Dollar and 25-cents" formations
Kevin Francis, football theorist at Yale University, recently published a paper titled "Beyond the Dollar," in which he postulated defensive formations with two, one, or no linemen at all.
No Arms Getaway Driver Confesses
He held his hands up, say police.
Chef Keith Floyd Bites The Big One!
Chef Keith Floyd Bites The Big Celebrity chef Keith Floyd has basted the formaldehyde turkey, following a heart attack. He was 65.
Many Up 25% in Past 5 Years
Inflation up again in the US and Britain as belts let out yet another notch.
Wanted: Huge White Rabbit
Fake Austin Pea college mascot wanted by police for groping, de-pantsying team cheerleaders, kidnapping the real team mascot, chaining back bumper of police car to telephone pole.
E.Coli Connie Arrested
"E.Coli Connie" tracked down and arrested in Wrightsville, N.Y. Now blamed for huge e.coli outbreak after visiting chicken process plant in Rosine, Kentucky in May.
Recent grad believes he is moving to "the ghetto part of town"
Gerald Rawley, 21, has announced to his friends he is moving into an apartment in "the ghetto," an assertion based solely on the presence of a 7-11 across the street. Sources say his ass is glass.
Cat chooses least opportune moment to crap
Skittles, 3, after waiting patiently for many hours, chose to make her bowel movement precisely when her owner happened to be nearby, causing much dismay and anguish.
Game caught cheating again
John Simmons, 8, threw his PS3 controller on the floor, declaring: "It won't let me win! It made me die again!" The PS3, which is an inanimate, unfeeling object, was unavailable for comment.
Man convinced foreclosure good for the neighborhood
Mark Rein, 32, insists that the dozens of abandoned homes will somehow improve life in the area. "It's so much quieter now!" he said. Currently 60% of the homes have been converted to meth labs.
Temporary worker goes temporal at office
6 people were killed in a workplace shooting today after Joshua Newbur, an interim employee at the office, opened fire with a semiautomatic rifle.
Reggie Bush sues EA for libel
Reginald Alfred Bush III recently sued EA Sports for $6 million, because "my rating in that game should be 99 or better, 999." EA reps did not comment on the lawsuit, but did snicker.
Britain Turns Loose NHS Docs On Gaddafi!
Gaddafi doctors to be trained by NHS as row over Britain's relations with Libya intensifies. "That should teach them", say British public.
Attacker Still Free
Sex attack suspect at large in Britain, because Australian police say it's too expensive to extradite him. "He could swim", relates victim.
"Cremated" Dogs Found
Woman arrested after bodies of 'cremated' dogs found dumped in a field. "Well I hadn't time to gas and light them up yet, had I?"
School Bans Skirts
Secondary school bans skirts claiming girls are "doing a Britney" to get boys' attention.
"Think I'll Go Have A Lie Down"
Women should not have to wear 'inappropriate' heels to work due to health and safety, prostitute unions say.
Teenglish: From Frape to Neek the words used by modern day teenagers that baffle the Hip.
Doctors A Bit Impatient
Wife outraged as doctors ask for dementia husband's brain for research while still alive. "Well, HE wasn't using it."
Something To Read While Waiting
Council blasted after Sixty signposts and signs are put up around one bus stop, including "Post No Signs".
Finger Lickin' Chicken
Police are probing a video of an Asda worker caught on camera licking a chicken from 1one of supermarket's displays before replacing it. "You should see the other guy in the bathroom", says mate.
Is That So?
Recession is 'over' says Fed Chairman Bernanke, who is immediately tarred and feathered by the unemployed.
Samuel Johnson, born 300 years ago this week, wrote one of the most important books in the English language. So what made his dictionary so special? First to list male body part as a "Johnson".
Winner Gets Aflack Commercial Contract
Three people have been convicted of a series of offences, following a BBC investigation into one of Europe's largest duck-fighting syndicates, the Goosa Nostra!
Where Has The Time Gone?
The authorities in Nepal have ordered officials to find more goats for ritual slaughter ahead of the country's biggest religious festival of the year, Goat-Killing Day!
Great Leaping Robots!
Video footage has been released of a robot that can leap over obstacles more than 7.5m (25ft) high. Faster than a speeding bullet! Disguised as Clark Kent.
Biden Under Fire! No, Really!
Attack on Baghdad as Biden visits. "Can't wait until I tell Hillary", states US Vice President.
"Melody Still Unchained"
Ghost film star Patrick Swayze has died at the age of 57, his publicist says. Swayze met at Pearly Gates by Righteous Brothers, Bobby Hatfield.
Somali Islamists Vow Revenge
Somali Islamists will avenge the raid in which a top al-Qaeda suspect was reportedly killed in Somalia, an al-Shabab commander has told the BBC. Pirate ships seen off the coast of California.
Gorillas Being Poached
Scale of gorilla poaching exposed as African leader claims "There's nothing like poached gorilla. Baking or deep fat frying ruins the meat."
Fits The Crime?
The Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at former US President George W Bush says he was tortured by senior government officials while in jail, being forced to wear high heels.
Celebituaries: Patrick Swayze's last words made public
Patrick Swayze's last words believed to be: "I've had the time of my li-i-ife." Dirty Dancing star's death ups demand for his other films: retailers expect to see Swayze's Ghost fly off their shelves.
It's all Pie in the Sky!
Sadly, celebrity chef Keith Floyd has died. It is predicted that there will be "Pie in the Sky " followed by brief showers of red wine.
The world mourns at the death Keith Floyd, celebrity chef who died today at the age of 65. Meanwhile, the rock group Pink Floyd are still going strong - even without Roger Waters & Richard Wright.
Worse Than Rocky Horror Picture Show
Movie Studio to redo two old movie favorites of Sc-Fi fans as interest raised after latest UFO reports in Britain & US. The title of the combined movies is said to be "Poo Encounters of the Ape Kind".
Diana Ross Appeal Goes to Supremes Court
Diana Ross' entourage of female singers are quoted as saying "Yeah, no, there's no way you should have to pay that parking ticket."
Jay Leno Back to NBC
Jay Leno kicked off his prime time show last night, moving to an earlier slot so that he can eat his dinner at 3pm like everyone else his age.
Tempest in City Hall
The chair of the County Zoning Board reported feeling "walked all over" when janitor Gregg Schlosberg stood on him to repair a lightbulb.
Obama Gets Professional Help
President Obama, more embarrassed by the "You Lie!" and the Washington march than he lat show, has gone to consult privately with friend Danny Devito on how to get revenge.
Ass hattery security guard trampled by frenzied tea baggers.
A security guard at a Washington DC AssHats "R" You, is in serious condition after being trampled this weekend by tea baggers seeking 3 for 1 "door buster" deals on ass hats.
Scientists say they have now created "living breasts" in lab to go with "living bra"!
La Toya On Michael
La Toya Jackson says Michael was "god-like". "He worked in mysterious ways....and appearances."
Berlusconi Humbly Accepts Greatest Leader Recognition
Berlusconi: "I am by far" The Best Italian Leader Ever! Mussolini, Julius Caesar both came to me last night and stated, 'You The Man!'"
Judges Are Amazed
'America's Got Talent' finalists wow judges as judge David Hasselhoff literally shits his pants.
Astranaut Suddenly Becomes Authority
US astronaut says legalize undocumented Mexicans, Einstein's theory wrong, need more weenies in beanie weenies. Sent on furlough.
Celebituaries: Floyd on Fire
Flamboyant TV celebrity chef Keith Floyd has died, aged 65. Tributes to the marriage-addicted, animated old soak have poured in like fine wine. He will be cremated once a long enough match is found.
Male Bass Feminized
Male bass in many US rivers feminized, study finds. That explains why the singing one on your wall suddenly sounds like Tiny Tim!
Geithner Hit By Lightning
Geithner: Obama against any middle class tax hike, kid taking other kid's lunch, stepping on cracks and injuring your mother, boy scouts being short-sheeted their first night.
Hubble's Amazing Images
Hubble's amazing new images, a fire engine in a sinkhole, sand flea in Osama Bin Laden's beard, you pissing on the back of your neighbor's house.
Free self-defense classes in Bowling Green, Kentucky will cater to children, adults, monkeys seeking to dodge hurled shit!
Kayne Is Indeed "Sory"
Kanye West used Jay Leno's prime-time debut Monday to offer another apology for ruining Taylor Swift's night at the MTV Video Music Awards by grabbing Leno's mike from his hand!
Wislon Faces Rebuke
GOP's Joe "You Lie!" Wilson faces rebuke Tuesday from House Democrats, standing ovation from Republicans!
Color-Coded Alerts Continue!
Panel to recommend keeping some color-coded alerts! "But remember, always only black after Labor Day for the plague!"
22 Are Poo!
107-year-old Malaysian woman seeks 23rd hubby! "I've already planted 22", she cackles!
Exercise Should Continue
Exercise can extend survival even in 'oldest old'. "Let's do those toe lifts, now blink, go one, blink!" yells instructor at 100-plus exercise room.
Take The Piss
Study shows that swimming pool chlorine raises asthma, allergy risks. Makes you want to piss really, really bad.
NKorea Vs. Pirates
North Korean ship fights off Somali pirates. Rest of the world don't know who to pull for!
Shoe Thrower Released
Iraqi shoe thrower released; says he was tortured. "They made me go shoeless, eat my socks."
Al Gore Depressed
Tipper Gore says that recount of election votes in Afghanistan causing Al to have flashbacks. Sits in his room, looking at collection of old hanging chads.
Should Clear Things Up
Recount ordered at 10 percent of Afghan vote sites, those with the least number of voters as loser hopes to overcome 90% loss.
Lost Symbol Found As Book Goes On Sale
UK extends vetting for kiddy fiddlers again and again
UK Government announces theatres, cinemas and ratuarants will not be able to seat adults with children unless the adults have been vetted and paid a 64 pound admin fee.
UK extends vetting for kiddy fiddlers again
UK Government announces that any adult wishing to attend a school play, sports day or school fete will have to vetted and pay a 64 pound admin fee.
UK extends vetting for Kiddy Fiddlers
UK government announces that any adult wishing to book an airline seat next to a child will have to be vetted and subjected to a 64 pound admin fee.
New Kiddie Fiddler help line
UK government to use swine flu call centres to vet people who think they might be kiddy fiddlers.Untrained and unsupervised staff will then advise them whether they should turn themselves in.
Case of Swine Flu Reported
Ma & Pa Kettle were rushed to an emergency room today. The EMT said it was Swine Flu, but the old couple is OK. It seems Eloise their pet pig got into the fireplace flu, flooding the house with smoke.
The President Speaks
"President Obama insisted Monday there is an urgent need for tighter financial regulation, cautioning his audience not to try to block it!" To which the entire USA said, "yes stop federal spending."
Darn Those Bacteria
Researchers say showerheads harbor tiny bacteria that come spraying into your face when you wash. The study involved entering 500 lady's shower rooms, unannounced, to gather the needed statistics.
Another Osama bin Laden Tape
Obama received news that OBL said he was "powerless," while the president was having beer and pizza in Minneapolis. The president said "compared to OBL eating a SPAM sandwich in a cave somewhere?"
ACORN to Change its Name
US House and Senate committees, along with the Attorney General have investigated the latest ACORN activities involving prostitutes. The lawyers agreed ACORN must change its name to APORN!
New Washington DC Landmark
Spokesman Gibbs announced that Advisor Axelrod has been promoted to be the Minister of Propaganda. Speaker Pelosi asks for $10 billion to build the Ministry on the left side of Constitution Avenue.
ACORN Sued for Discrimination
A male prostitute organization has initiated a discrimination lawsuit against ACORN for not providing them the same housing benefits that female prostitutes received.
Law of Nature
Airborne cargo transporters believe removing toilets from airplanes and banning going potty solves the problem. Sounds like far left wing liberals banning guns and believing crime will disappear!
Could Be True?
Cell phone radiation has been linked to behavior of left wing liberals, animal rights activists, environmentalists and presidential czars. Scientist's say the radiation has no effect on normal people.
The World is a Stage
Political pundits theorize that the strange political behavior of Governor Palin of Alaska is because she is actually Tina Fey. The real Governor Palin decided to remain with Saturday Night Live.
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