Spoof news snippets from Saturday 12 September 2009
Derren Brown and David Blaine to attempt World's greatest Feat !
Blaine and Brown, self-professed greatest illusionists on earth are to attempt their most incredible feat, convincing the world that they aren't useless C**ts !
Huff Opening A New Factory House Trailer
The Mayor & seven city councilors of Huff, Tennessee use eight-handled shovel to shovel dirt for the opening of their new eight-handled shovel factory which will reportedly employ up to eight people.
No Use Worrying Now
The Los Alamos Nuclear Lab says they never did recover those missing 67 computers but wish to reassure everyone that by now, all that nuclear stuff will have been absorbed into the eco-system anyway.
Another Capone Income Tax Episode?
The FBI, unable to get convictions on Mafia leaders for murder and graft, have all been arrested for polluting the East River with dead bodies.
President Obama has signed an executive order banning torture in the United States. In response, Yanni will be banned from any future US performances.
Uncle Scrooge Dead
Scrooge McDuck dead according to duck family. Nephew Donald stated that Uncle Scrooge had never recovered from losing $10 to Bernie Madoff. Mr. McDuck's body will be roasted over an open flame Sunday.
The View/The Brawl
Rosie O'Donnell's sudden appearance on The View Friday was cut off but the audience said that the brawl with Whoopie Goldberg was better than the Ali-Frazier fights.
Cosby Knew Child Was A Spy
Comedian, actor and author Bill Cosby revealed today that before he was on his first show, "I Spy", he received a page of tips from Julia Child.
Castro Changing Ways?
Fidel Castro tells his brother, Raul, that maybe Cuba should open their borders more after being visited by ghost of Saddam Hussein last night, dragging his rope.
It was Horrible!
A really botched eyebrow plucking led to a week stay's at a rehab claims Amy Winehouse.
Look! Bet That One Can Fly!
Police in Arkansas say that there has been no space invasion as reported on the local TV station & CNN, but that there has been an explosion at the chicken processing plant & lots of fat & feathers.
Whoops! Where'd You Go?
Old couple on 55th anniversary charged with water damage after hotel flooded when three Viagra pills plus bad eyesight leads to punchered water bed.
Oh My, Caught Me Again!
Texas police say that so-called "mule" coming in from Mexico with a condom full of white powder up ass was only talcum powder. "He just gets a thrill every time he's caught & an officer pulls it out."
Change In Ceremony
Gay couple getting married in Massachusetts have minister change the wording to "for butter or for wurst".
The One Hundred Million Man Bribe
Surgeon General Benjamin announces that a great cure for bad headaches, arthritis and the common cold is performing oral sex. Retires after purchasing California.
Five-Day Erection Too Long
After 5-day erection, man rushed to Detroit hospital dies from lack of blood to his heart & brain. We'll have to wait but we're pretty sure it was Viagra", states Doc. "He thought we were all smurfs."
There He Goes
President Obama told an old friend in Chicago that he loved to mention people like "Big Dick Donavan" the old pitcher for the White Sox just so he can see Senator Craig get up & head for the bathroom.
Biden Discovers Cheney Secret Bunker
Vice President Joe Biden claims he's found Dick Cheney's secret bunker near White House. "It was booby-trapped says Biden, and headed for DC hospital to have buckshot removed from his face.
Whisper It Next Time
Congressman Joe Wilson from South Carolina who yelled "You Lie!" at President was advised this morning by fellow member that he didn't have to yell. "Those big ears can pick up a whisper!"
Ralph Nader, who has never owned a car, was embarrassed today when his wheeled desk chair was recalled because of the possibility of a wheel coming off.
Watermelon Is As Good As Viagra!
Recent tests show that eating watermelon has the same effects as Viagra. "True", admits wife of one test subject. "But George has to get off & go pee three times."
Putin To Step Down To Presidency?
Vladimir Putin hints at a return to the Russian presidency and giving up on role of Supreme Russian of All Our Peoples.
Teachers Object To Patriotism
Majority of teachers don't want to promote 'brainwashing' patriotism to pupils. They had rather teach the goodness and kindness of Stalin, Kaiser, who tried to help us see the light.
Lady Gaga Totally Hot
She is reported to have arranged to have her air con fixed later this afternoon.
Wrestler Jeff Hardy Accused Of Being In Possession Of Several Kilo's Of Hard Drugs
He says he was only giving Kerry Katona a lift home
No "Indian Summer"!
Native American Bob Horse Boogers says he objects to the name, "Indian Summer". We Indians haven't had an Indian summer in 200 years."
Bin Laden Laid Away?
Has Osama Bin Laden been dead for seven years and are the U.S. and Britain covering it or him up to continue war on terror? "Told you he lied", states US Congressman."
Fined For No Garbage
Green shop owner is fined by council...for not producing any rubbish. I'll give them a bag of burning dog shit next time", says Owner.
Student Loan Fiasco
Student loan fiasco: Delays create cash crisis for up to 170,000. "Being broke a good way to prepare them for the future", assures professor.
Come On, Confess!
OK Derren, now tell us how you REALLY did it: Experts pour scorn on illusionist's time traveling explanation of lottery stunt.
'Posh' Dons Boots And Stockings For Photo Shoot
Her excited husband said that when she's got the shorts and shirt on, she'll be ready for a kickabout in the park, with jumpers for goalposts.
'Posh' Looks Hot In Boots
The staff at the Oldham branch of the chemists promised to turn the heating down whilst she was selecting her haemorrhoid cream.
Mel B: "I'm A Fan Of 'Posh' Clothes
The Spice Girls' singer said she enjoyed dressing up, as long as it wasn't in anything made by that vacuous, talentless bint, Victoria Beckham
Sugababe Keisha Says "I'm No Bully"
She slams and hits out at her critics, before threatening to twat them hard in the face with her fist if they don't give her their lunch money.
Semanya Caster Hangs Up Spikes For A Career In Acting
The South African runner has indicated she already has a bit part she is hoping to pull off with aplomb.
Move Over Fatass, We Can't See!
Two 20-year-old Arkansas men were arrested Wednesday in connection with playing a pornographic DVD at a local Walmart on store display televisions, police said.
Wilson Drawing Fire
Rep. Joe Wilson's interruption of the President's speech the other night is now drawing fire from those outside of congress. For instance, Jerry Springer said it was the crudest thing he'd ever seen.
Degeneres Appointment Held Up?
Ellen Degeneres is going to be a new judge on "American Idol." However, it mat take awhile as, somehow, it's got into the Presidents health care plan.
S.C. Rep. Explains "You Lie!"
South Carolina Rep. Joe Wilson excused his "You lie" yell during the president's speech the other night by saying it had became a habit after S.C. Governor's often visits to Argentina.
Lily Allen Sent Beauty Kit By England Cricket Team To Say 'Thanks'
The kit contained Kevin Pietersen's bat, and an offer by all eleven players to hit her repeatedly in the face with it until her looks improve.
Clinton Helping Obama
Former President Bill Clinton has volunteered to help with speeches on health care, mostly to you nurse trainees, one-on-one.
Study: Low self-esteem leads to obesity, but once they get fat, rises as they start pushing others around.
Katie Price Begged Peter To Take Her Back
She said Alex Reid was too busy shagging her at the moment to offer Pete her front too.
US Shuttle Lands
US space shuttle returns to Earth and for the first time, backs down onto next rocket launcher, a major breakthrough.
Wolf Hunts On
Two US states are reintroducing the hunting of wolves after they were taken off America's list of endangered species, after the disappearance of 47 grandmothers.
Cost Of Clunkers Climbing
Second-hand cars are gaining rather than depreciating in value due to a shortage in supply, an industry-wide research company has found. A good clunker can bring in thousands, says report.
Bank Wary Of Quick Recovery
Bank boss wary of quick recovery. "That will cause us to lose a lot of bailout money", say President.
Forget About Him
M*A*S*H writer Gelbart dies at 81. Apparently he was blown up by a hand-dropped bomb by "Wrongway Charlie".
Slow News Morning
The king of Uganda's largest ethnic group, the Kabaka of Buganda, has put off a visit to a town in his kingdom, his spokesman said. News report apparently for those of you still asleep this morning.
World More Stable Each Day
Venezuela's President Hugo Chavez has announced that the country will soon take delivery of Russian missiles with a range of 185 miles. Surrounding countries to get US missiles.
Stolen Paintings Just Now Noticed
Police in Los Angeles say a multi-million dollar Andy Warhol art collection has been stolen from a private home in the city and real Campbell's Soup Cans left in their place up to two weeks ago.
US/NKorea Direct Talks?
The US says it would hold direct talks with North Korea to persuade it to return to stalled multilateral talks on ending its nuclear programme. Will allow Kim to sit in highest chair at meeting.
Oldest Person Dies Again
World's oldest person dies in California at 115. No one admits to being world's oldest now. "They don't last long", says 112-year-old.
Cutting Trees A Threat
Buddhist Bhutan warns felling trees a threat to happiness. "Especially if tree falls on fellow lumberjacks."
Jordan In Hall Of Fame
Air Jordan reaches new heights with place in Hall of Fame. Statue of Michael to appear in corner above basket.
Cuts In Greenhouse Gas Demanded
UN climate chief: Big greenhouse gas cuts needed. Amish, Mennonites in particular told to cut back on building the, especially in growing beans, sweet potatoes.
Obama Focuses On Illegal Immigrants
White House stiffens against illegal immigrants after 15 discovered serving as Congressional aids.
O. J. Cleared
Warhol's sports superstars stolen from LA home. O. J. Simpson: I was in prison. I didn't do it."
Shuttle astronauts prepare for Texas homecoming. Authorities ask that shots not be fired into the air until they are safely on the ground.
Polls Results Slow Coming In
'No winners' yet as Afghans to release preliminary vote total of sixteen to ten. Still many to recount over next year.
Iran FM Stalling Again
Iran Foreign Minister says nuclear talks with the West, pigs flying are indeed possible.
Obama Has One-Tracted Mind
Obama to push health care plan at Minnesota rally, to third gradrs in Wisconsin and county fairs all over the midwest. "He's completely lost it", says Michelle's mother. Had me up half the night."
Monkey Mask Fails
Arizona driver dons monkey masks to elude tickets, fined for allowing a monkey to drive his car. "That is completely irresponsible", says judge
Experts: A Great Week to See the Milky Way, Three Musketeers and Snickers. Also, might want to taste them.
Health Debate More Specific
The fierce national debate over health care is entering a new phase, with advocates on all sides focused on a handful of legislative bottlenecks and pinheads.
Hollywood Comes a Calling
After their superb tap dance about the health care reform public option, the team of Spokesman Gibbs and Advisor Axelrod, joined by Speaker Pelosi, will star in a remake of "A Night at the Opera."
Thou Protests Too Much
Democrats complain to the Federal Election Commission. The DNC chairman said "tax tea parties are OK, healthcare reform bill town hall protests are OK, but a BRING BACK BUSH rally is going too far."
Afghani President Hamid Karzai is supposedly taking money from Iranian Presidential Pretender Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Intelligence indicates the bills are phony, sporting pictures of Osama bin Laden.
Medicare to Save President
Pundits agree Obama needs a health care bill to sign before the December holidays or his presidency is going to be sick. A group of seniors is gathering all their Medicare bills for him to sign.
Republican Congressman Apologizes
Republican congressman Wilson (NC) issued an apology for his outburst at the joint session. He called the White House to deliver one to the president personally, but ended up on the line with Bo.
Pelosi's Public Option
Speaker Pelosi has finally got her public option! It's right down the hall from her office and has a sign on the door that reads LADIES.
The Senate is not happy with President Obama's advisors being called Czars, as some of them are really loons. A compromise has been reached and these appointees will now be called Czaloons!
Amendment to Health Care Reform
Speaker Pelosi calls for an amendment to the Health Care Reform bill. It bans TV advertising by medical liability class action suit lawyers, medical insurance companies and pharmaceutical companies.
Democratic Play Book Found
Found on an Amtrak train going from Wilmington DE to Washington DC, a copy of the Democratic strategy. Foremost, when in doubt of the appropriate or correct answer blame the previous administration.
Promises, Promises, Promises
Former House Speaker Gingrich made a promise to voters of San Francisco. He will contribute to the Democratic National Committee, if current House Speaker Pelosi loses her seat in 2010. Safe bet Newt!
Hillary the Movie
The US Supreme Court heard oral arguments about the film Hillary. They then voted 9 to 0 to give it a XXX rating.
Republican Party Chairman Michael Steele was asked about Congressman Wilson's outburst at the joint session and its effect on Republican prospects in 2010 elections. He responded "AGHHHH, why me!"
White House Releases Visitors List
White House provides names of people who frequently visit President Obama. Topping the list were Chicago Style Pizza, Chicago Hot Dog and Italian Beef Sandwich delivery men.
Taxpayers get Screwed
ACORN shown to be subsidizing prostitutes! Is this any different than American taxpayers paying for outrageous federal government programs and getting screwed?
Economists Predict Cooling by 2011
Economists refute the environmentalists and predict global cooling by 2011. All those corporate toxic and frozen assets plus higher government spending will freeze any economic growth.
Police Pledge Strenuous Torture Probe
Police have pledged to properly investigate MI6 torture allegations, "We intend to handle this with the same rigour we applied to the Cash for Peerages scandal" said a spokesman for the filth today.
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