Spoof news snippets from Thursday 10 September 2009
Bush Opposes Obama
Former President George W. Bush says he disapproves of President Obama's plans for fetal research. "Athlete's feet have been around a long time. It's a waste of money."
Sotomayor Victim Of Hazing Incident
Supreme Court Judge Sotomayor injured in hazing incident. Other judges to be called in by FBI, fingerprinted. Judges rule against it, 8-1.
Silly Rabbit Confesses
Silly Rabbit admits he once worked for Richard Nixon because of promise of Trix from the "Dirty Tricks Nix".
"I'm cured! Hey! I'm Cured!"
Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer has reportedly entered shock therapy for sex addiction by being placed in a cell with Wild Willie The Weiner for a week.
Likely 2010 Wars
After careful study, Think Tank says that 2010 war between Israeli/Iran close and so is Lebanon/Syria but most likely will be Obama/Mother-In-Law over children, grandchildren.
"Outlaw Inlaws" To Premiere Tuesday
See the gun-slingin', tobbaca-chewin' Phillip and Donna Huffington in this real-life nightmare from my Thanksgiving at my wife's parents in 2007. 9pm, ABC.
Tiger Woods: "Hmm I'll Take A Five On That One"
After making a double bogey on the par 4 16th, Woods had his caddy record a five on the scorecard. As of press time, no one has dared to ask him about it.
Least Popular Kid In Class Least Popular For A Reason
From her trademark kiss-ass questions to her ugly second-hand clothes, Meghan Halverson has deserved every single beating she has ever received.
Swingline to Roll Out the S-260 Line
Legendary stapler manufacturer Swingline will introduce its new S-260 on Monday, tauting its sleek, cursive logo and ability to staple more than 10 pages without fucking binding every time.
"That's What She Said" Elicits Its Final Laugh
Americans will celebrate on Friday evening, when the catch phrase "That's What She Said" will cause a momentary chuckle, marking the very last time it ever, ever will.
Biden: I Faked That Orgasm
Vice President Joe Biden confessed to his wife in heated tones Thursday that, in addition to her being a dirty bitch, he has faked every orgasm with her, including those resulting in his children.
Christianity Catching On
Based on a collection of lectures from Dr. Jesus Christ, carpenter and Professor Emeritus at Columbia University, this new wave of love and forgiveness have earned much buzz on Twitter and Facebook.
Nader: Might As Well Vote For Me!
Ralph Nader, an expert in the field, indicates that the good times, indeed, have all gone.
Biden At It Again
Although most school children cannot recall a single thing President Obama stated to them this week, almost all recall the VP's antics as Pluggo The Clown!
Tarzen Of The Japes
Still another previously undiscovered Amazon tribe has supposedly been discovered by a low-flying plane. However, when Anthropologists arrive, they are driven off by film crew.
Prime Minister Inspires New Nintendo Game
Gordon Brown features in the new Nintendo game, 'Wii Shit'
Winner Announced In Internet Game
Gordon Brown has been declared the runaway winner in the internet craze 'The Lying Clown Game'
Rep. Joe "Tourette" Wilson calls Obama a liar during address to joint session.
Joe "Tourette" Wilson abruptly shouted "He's lying!" while President Obama addressed Congress Wed. evening. Aides say his outburst was due to his acute dumbfuckedness.
OBAMA: "Poison Pill To Be Packed With Cigarettes"
A key part of the Obama Health Package with be the mandatory inclusion of a fast acting poison pill in every package of cigarettes. The butts will be labeled "slow acting," the pill "fast acting."
Rep. Joe "Tourette" Wilson calls Obama a liar.
Joe "Tourette" Wilson shouted "He's Lying!" during Obama's address to a joint session of Congress Wed. evening. Aides say Rep. Wilson was simply watching an episode of "Lie to Me" on his Blackberry.
Biden On Outburst
Vice President Joe Biden says a Republican congressman's outburst during President Barack Obama's health-care speech Wednesday night "demeaned the institution that Bill Clinton built!"
Sperm Banks Sued
More than a dozen sperm banks sue after three years when all the kids begin looking like Pee Wee Herman.
That'll Be $50,000 Sir
Metropolitan Museum of Art refuses to allow janitor access to his mop and bucket of gray water after someone places label, "The Working Woman, 1956" over it.
Some House Prices Up
Both Lowes and Home Depot have announced that the average price of a doghouse is up 10% over this time last year. Bill Clinton says they're not a bit bigger.
Torquay United Confident Of Obtaining Becks
Apparently the groundsman has gone to the off-licence for six bottles as we speak.
Gives Away "Ending"
Man who yelled out "It's the proctologist!" at Agatha Christie mystery play "The Moving Finger", escorted outside theater.
Larry King Condition: Fair
Doctors say that Larry King is doing "as well as can be expected" after suspenders snap, hurling him into the front row audience last night.
Former President George W. Bush stated that no one had actually yelled liar during his national speeches but "Pelosi had taught democrats how to synchronize eyeball rolling."
Deaf and Dumb Chicago man signs to police officer that he has been guilty of committing unspeakable crimes and can no longer remain silent. Farts.
Gore Loses 5 Pounds
Al Gore loses five pounds, credits global warming. "Ordinarily, I'd gain five pounds of fat for winter's cold."
Santa Got Run Over By Diabetes
Santa will find it slightly easier to squeeze down chimneys this year. After centuries of eggnog and cookies, Santa will have his left leg amputated this fall due to Type II diabetes.
They've Come Home
Rev. Jeremy Wright complains to police that there must be 200 chickens roosting at his mansion. Blames his neighbors.
Dole Out A Job
Viagra agrees with watchdog children's group to drop all those pop-up ads on the web.
Nader Throws Ring Into Hat
Ralph Nader announced this morning that he's getting ready to set forth on his 2012 presidential loss.
Increase In Chatter
With the anniversary of 911 coming up tomorrow the CIA reports incresed chatter on Talk Radio, some disquised as "Sports Talk".
Obama Has Guts
Questioned if he would ever use a "Pre-emptive Strike" anywhere in the world, Obama states that he had just flattened his wife's mother this very morning.
Obama Tired Of Republicans
President Obama, weary over trying to plaease Republicans, decides to deliver his "Clinging To Their Guns & Bibles" speech next week.
South Carolina representative Joe Wilson apologized this morning for his repeated, "Yo Mama" heckling during Obama's speech last night.
India & Pakistan Agree For Once
Both India and Pakistan agree to put an end to "Arranged Shacking Up"!
We Need To Stay Away Completely
In an update to the President this morning, a four star general stated that the US stockpiles of biological warfare weapons should be left "untouched".
Cheney Rebukes Obama School Speech
In his rebuttal to Barack Obama's speech to the nation's schoolchildren, former VP Cheney showed the kids how to dunk a dork's head in the school's bathroom commodes, bringing a standing ovation.
Wanting to spend more time with family, Texas offers letter of secession
Gov. Rick Perry of Texas announced today that Texas will secede from the US in order to spend more time with it's family. There was no immediate word as to who would replace Texas as the 50th state.
Obama: Go home if sick
In the speech to the schools, Obama asked kids to "stay home from school" when they don't feel well. Immediately half the kids got up and asked to leave because they were sick of sitting still.
"She's One Of Us!"
Judge Sonia Sotomayor quickly made friends and eased the tension on her first day on the Supreme Court by flashing the other judges.
Police-seized property of unclaimed stolen cars, bikes, marijuana, crack cocaine sold at auction to help raise funds for new children's playground.
Slip Of The Tongue
Miss America Judge blows it when he states that he would like to ask a question of Miss New York Titty...City..New York."
A Shocking Affair
Quik Market cashier held up by a stun gun last Friday says she still hasn't got over the shock.
Flintshire council named most efficient in UK after 'spotted dick' clampdown
The recognition 'well deserved', as clearly the local authority has nothing better to do than debate the name of a sponge pudding.
Obama Picked Ghandi
Obama said if he could have dinner with anyone in history he would pick Gandhi, because Ghandi always had Snicker Bars hid in his loose clothing.
Obama Speech Not Flashy Enough
90% of American listed one word in common after Obama's address on first day of school: "Borrrring!!!" Other ten percent slept through it.
Obama Admonishes Kids
President Obama delivered a speech to America's school children on the first day of school, and he encouraged them to work hard, study hard, throw a hard tantrum until Parents re-elect me in 2012."
Sarah Breaks Record, Record-Holder
Sarah the cheetah is fastest mammal on land as she smashes 100m record, kills old record-holder in 6.13 seconds
Mutating Sheik Mohammed
After a spell in Guantanamo, the refreshed face of 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed - on the day before attack anniversary. He appears to have grown gills from water boarding.
Families are to be issued with 'bonsai bins' to make home owners reduce the amount of rubbish they throw away. Several already spotted digging holes in back yard.
Weatherman Ad-Libs Forecast
And the weather is going to be, er, mixed' with maybe some sunshine by tomorrow: Radio 4's Today presenter ad-libs after losing forecast. "There are more cloud out there, it looks like from here."
Still Some Hold-Outs
The re-release of the entire Beatles album catalogue has unleashed a new veneration for the 60s pop band. Is there anyone who actively dislikes their music? "Bunch of puffters", says Keith Richards.
Hospital Infections Down
The number of MRSA infections in hospitals in England has fallen by 40% compared with the same period last year, figures show. They credit new "Mopping-Up" exercises.
Pigeon Beats Progress
Broadband promised to unite the world with super-fast data delivery - but in South Africa it seems the web is still no faster than a humble pigeon. Accuse pigeon of being given pep pills.
From Kid's Piggy Bank
Accused snack machine robber cleared on all counts, pays off attorney with 4,000 quarters.
US marijuana farming rebounding heavily in economic hard, high times.
Apparently US At War
Wounded troops recover as US war coverage wanes once Barack Obama became president. "War, what war?" asks Couric.
Bickering Just Beginning
Obama to Congress: 'Time for bickering is over' Congress to Obama: 'So shut up already'.
Al Qaeda forbids its members from watching TV
The leadership have announced it has imposed a complete 'Telly Ban'
Humans are Urged to Colonise Mars
It is thought that if humans colonised Mars, it would make this world a better place. Once Mars has been screwed-up, where next? The sun? Nope too many will moan about 'Global Warming'.
Rio Ferdinand splashes out
£30m Manchester United footballer, Rio Ferdinand, showed his generosity this weekend by giving his family a £400 holiday break at Prestatyn. "This credit-crunch is really biting!" he said. Allegedly.
Brown shows how to control a Nation
TV illusionist, Derren Brown is to screen a show on September 18th called 'How to Control a Nation'. Meanwhile, a distant relative, Gordon Brown has spent 12 months showing us 'How to Ruin a Nation'.
Derren Brown - Failed Illsionist
Although TV illusionist Derren Brown correctly predicted the winning national lottery numbers, he did NOT predict the bonus ball. "He's second rate!" claim Camelot.
Congressional Joint Session
President Obama addressed a joint session of Congress again about the need for health care reform. The green cigarettes and the thick pungent white smoke verified it was a joint session.
Environmental Loons Strike Again
Environmentalists want a law to force US airlines to recycle aluminum cans faster. A spokesman said "what is now done is not good enough; we need to ruin aviation like we did energy and agriculture."
A Higher Justice
Bolivian religious nut hijacks Mexican jet at Cancun. A divine revelation the date 9/9/09 upside down, the satanic number 666, made him do it. Mexican authorities may drop him upside down from 35k ft!
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