Spoof news snippets from September 2009
There were 1,710 spoof news snippets published in September 2009. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Libyan Leader Denies Shenaigans and back-door diplomacy
Colonel Gadaffi, Libyan leader said today "We have never agreed to take money from Britain for oil" as he urinated on a big pile of £10 notes and took a shit on a £50.
Derren Brown and David Blaine to attempt World's greatest Feat !
Blaine and Brown, self-professed greatest illusionists on earth are to attempt their most incredible feat, convincing the world that they aren't useless C**ts !
Athlete & Pop Star's Angry Cock Allegation Rebuttal
South African Runner Castor Semenya and Rock Legend Lady GaGa have fought back against allegations that they are men, stating "It's a Load of Balls"
Monkey's refute regulation allegation
Monkeys today rebelled against rumours that they could become staff at the struggling FSA,a spokesman for Monkeys at London Zoo said "We wouldn't be seen dead working for that shower of shit!"
George Lucas and Spielberg piss on another cherished franchise !
After the "success" of the Star Wars prequels & Indiana Jones IV, Spielberg and Lucas have announced their plans to revamp the 10 Commandments casting Papa Smurf as God and Captain Birdseye as Moses
Evil Bastard Peer in Second Home Scandal
Dark Lord Peter Mandelson has hit back at allegations of expenses fraud "a coffin is a legitimate second dwelling when I'm not hanging upside down in the Westminster Crypt" he hissed earlier today.
Mandelson / Antichrist linked ?
Peter Mandelson has today rebutted claims by his Barber that the numbers 666 found on his scalp are the number of the beast, "It's a reminder of my ATM PIN number" stated the evil fucker today.
Grouchy Barmaid Flummoxed
Punter asked for a pint of beer with a slice of lemon. Claimed that the lemon was the only thing behind the bar with a peel.
Muhammad Ali's First Irish Connection...
...was a right hook to the jaw of Jerry Quarry.
SF Man Quits Sex Industry Cleaning Job
"If they'd given us rubber gloves it might have been a different story" he remarks.
Lost Found Then Lost Again
Man lost Lost DVD then found it again before it got lost. Lost still not found. Remains Lost.
Conditions In Iraq Described as "Appalling"
63 Hackney families apply for council exchanges.
Humans are Urged to Colonise Mars
It is thought that if humans colonised Mars, it would make this world a better place. Once Mars has been screwed-up, where next? The sun? Nope too many will moan about 'Global Warming'.
Portsmouth FC To Get New Stadium
It will be an exact replica of the old one. In the same place. In the traditional style.
Fire Brigade union to give up helping firemen
The Fire Brigade Workers Union has decided to stop helping its members as it has found that meddling in international affairs is much more enjoyable.
Jock McCockrot Changes Name By Deed Poll
To Jack McCockrot.
Tortoise Crosses M25 Safely!
A tortoise has crossed all 5 lanes of the M25 and survived. He was caught on CCTV moving considerably faster than any other vehicles on the motorway. Police are considering charging him for speeding.
Venetian Blinds A Myth
Stats show less blind people reside in Venice than majority of European Cities.
Sharing a Bed Can Be Bad for Your Health
Scientists reveal that sharing a bed can be bad for your health - especially if you sleep in the bottom section of a bunkbed without wearing a hard hat!
The world mourns at the death Keith Floyd, celebrity chef who died today at the age of 65. Meanwhile, the rock group Pink Floyd are still going strong - even without Roger Waters & Richard Wright.
It's all Pie in the Sky!
Sadly, celebrity chef Keith Floyd has died. It is predicted that there will be "Pie in the Sky " followed by brief showers of red wine.
Superstar Turned Down For Job
Soul singing legend Stevie Wonder revealed that he was once turned down for a job...as a chauffeur...
Robotics Scientists Hard at Work!
Having developed a prosthetic hand that includes the sense of feeling called the 'SMARTHAND', robotics engineers are very excited about their next project the 'SMARTASS'!
A Welsh Canteen Is Far Too Offensive!,
A canteen in Wales has changed the name of 'Spotted Dick' to 'Spotted Richard' in case it offends anyone only to find there are 3 employees there, all called Richard. Worse still, all 3 have acne.
No Power Cuts for the UK
"There will be NO Power cuts in the next decade", so says Energy secretary Ed Milliband. In politicalspeak, this means that there WILL be Power cuts on the proviso that there will be any power to cut.
Small boy finds whole potato in bag of Crisps
A small boy was surprised to find a whole potato in a packet of crisps. He was lucky because crisps no longer have any potato in them. Manufacturers have known this for years!
Fred the Shrek to sue former bank manager
It was announced in fairyland today that Fred the Shrek is suing Fred the Shred for bringing his name into disrepute.
Same sex partnership
Young boy from a same sex partnership questioning what a lesbian is, is told to "ask your father, she'll know"
Rio Ferdinand splashes out
£30m Manchester United footballer, Rio Ferdinand, showed his generosity this weekend by giving his family a £400 holiday break at Prestatyn. "This credit-crunch is really biting!" he said. Allegedly.
Can You See What It Isn't yet?
Hackney Council have decided to improve the work of graffiti artist Banksey by painting over one of his murals. The artwork which featured the Royal family was destroyed. The Queen was not amused.
Brown shows how to control a Nation
TV illusionist, Derren Brown is to screen a show on September 18th called 'How to Control a Nation'. Meanwhile, a distant relative, Gordon Brown has spent 12 months showing us 'How to Ruin a Nation'.
Famous journalist retires
A famous journalist from the Guardian Newspaper has today retired from journalism and gone to write for the Sun.
Kanye dig it bro?
Thought not. Most people opine that middle class people should stop trying to be down with the homies, and just grow up.
Source: National Office Of Lies.
Derren Brown - Failed Illsionist
Although TV illusionist Derren Brown correctly predicted the winning national lottery numbers, he did NOT predict the bonus ball. "He's second rate!" claim Camelot.
A Liberal Democrat has been cleared of insulting a Conservative colleague by calling her a witch. However, he was found guilty of calling her a bitch! The woman has a black cat & a husband called Ron.
Comic found in Blackpool!
A 'real' comedian was found in Blackpool last night. Camp funnyman Alan Carr 'turned on' the lights. "Hey look, these bulbs have taken a shine to me - they must find me a real turn-on!" he said.
Petrol price drops by over 40p a litre.
Great news for drivers as the price of petrol plummeted today.........in Saudi Arabia.
Elvis Impersonators Record Not Broken
A world record for Elvis impersonators failed yesterday when only 29 people turned up. However, the real Elvis came to The Ship Inn, Par, Cornwall. He was not impressed by their impressions.
David Beckham finally achieves orgasm
David Beckham achieved orgasm today after 20 years, the incident occurred when he he stroked his bell-end and not a cycle helmet. Posh Beckham is using the issue for grout in her new Salmon Hatchery.
Spoof Granny fights back !
Ulver spoof-writer and guerilla Granny said today "Fuck 'em" when asked if she was bothered by recent threats from the FSA to cut off her tits and fine her for being cheeky.
Scottish Crime at Lowest in 30 Years
Recorded crime in Scotland is at its lowest in 30 years - this is allegedly because the disk containing the records became so full that it got corrupted and police were unable to recover the data.
Eating Late at Night Can Cause Weight Gain
Rocket scientists claim that late night eating cause weight gain. However, it can help in weight loss as one woman who visited her fridge nightly, got so fat, that she could no longer open the door.
Labour Come up with Election Winning Idea -- Pure Rocket Science!
Labour have promised free parking for hospital inpatients if they win the next election. Before leaving office, Gordon Brown intends closing thousands of hospitals. I knew there was a catch somewhere!
Cottage for Sale Advert Neglects to Mention Nuclear Neighbour
A cottage next to Dungeness nuclear power station is on the market for £245,000. It needs no electric lights because it allegedly glows in the dark.
Police Pledge Strenuous Torture Probe
Police have pledged to properly investigate MI6 torture allegations, "We intend to handle this with the same rigour we applied to the Cash for Peerages scandal" said a spokesman for the filth today.
New electric eco-car fails government test
The new eco-car from British carmaker Reliant failed in tests today when the weight of the electric cable drum broke the car's suspension.
Sugababes Line Up Backstabbing Implied
But nobody really gives a damn anyway.
Competition to name the latest neck wear fashion reaches stalemate.
Organisers declared it a tie.
Lance Armstrong busts bike on environment charity ride.
Organisers insist he must re-cycle it.
Germany goes to the polls.
Dyslexic Poles distraught.
Ted Kennedy Shows Remorse About Chappaquiddick in New Book
"I really loved that car."
Police investigate following murder at a wig factory
"We'll be combing the area for clues," commented PC Plod, head of the investigation.
Potato princess' wedding plans quashed by father
Said the King of the Potato People: "I'm not having my child marry Gary Linekar - a lowly common tater!"
The president's new regulatory Czar thinks rats should have the right to an attorney, to sue humans. This loon is being sued by Charlie Brown over a copy right infringement for using the word "Rats."
Ironmonger makes world's largest spoon
"It's causing quite a stir," said factory owner, Ian Ronballs.
Health Care Reform Drug Testing
A proposed amendment to the Senate Health Care Reform bill mandates that all new drugs and medicines, approved by the FDA, first be tested on the 535 members of Congress and their aides.
New health hazard discovered in connection with coal
Former UK miner's leader Arthur Scargill was today officially deemed as a health hazard and will now have to carry a health warning.
Large thighs may protect heart
New research suggests that fat thighs can be used in an emergency to stop a speeding bullet.
Soap Operas "Too Clean"
Cancellation of "Guiding Light" after 72 year run highlights continued decline of soap operas, now far too tame for American viewers hooked on extreme dysfunction and scandal of reality TV shows.
Billion Squirrel March
Billions and billions of nonpartisan red and grey squirrels will be descending on Washington DC in October to stage a protest. The rodents are upset over ACORN giving their favorite nut a bad name.
Santa Got Run Over By Diabetes
Santa will find it slightly easier to squeeze down chimneys this year. After centuries of eggnog and cookies, Santa will have his left leg amputated this fall due to Type II diabetes.
Signals Being Overwhelmed by Noise
Computer Engineers are stumped! High speed fiber optic cabling carrying Internet traffic to San Francisco seems operational, but the information content seems to be lost in the local background noise.
The end is nigh! Asteroid To Hit Earth Tomorrow & Wipe Out All Life
So, you'd best get pisst tonight & end up shagging some stranger up against a wall in the dark alley behind the pub!
Save the Planet
A new book advises that by not having children we can save mother Earth. Save mother Earth for whom?
Lets Hear it for Capitalism
New Michael Moore film says "capitalism is evil." He reiterated this pronouncement boarding his private Jet taking the film's profits to the Cayman Islands, where he has three houses and two yachts.
Obama announces Cash for Clunkers follow up program
With "Cash for Spunkers", bring your masturbating sons, husbands, boyfriends, and grandfathers and trade them in to receive $4500.
"I Was Raped By A Celebrity" - says Jordan
"But I didn't realise it was rape until the cheque bounced".
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Defined
Iranian protesters view President Ahmadinejad as a pretender, after his fraudulent election. President Obama views Ahmadinejad as a negotiator and Russian Prime Minister Putin uses him as a pawn.
Thank the Iranian Ladies
US Iran foreign policy is working. Large groups of Iranian young women raised on satellite TV/Internet reject Islamic dress for tight jeans, low-cut tops and strapless dresses. Mullahs going spastic!
UK government bans weather
The weather has been banned from the UK as the government can't slap a tax on it.
Activist groups with any cause and a computer can get government funding. A group called "Clean Up Horse Poop in the Streets" is loudly asking Congress for funding. They will probably get some!
Researchers give up
A recent study by researchers at Harvard University found a statistically significant correlation between publishing the results of their hard work and no one giving a damn.
Stephen Hawking Applies to be Writer for The Spoof -- Is Rejected
Hawking, the renown scientist, failed the application's math section by selecting "6" as the answer to "What's 2 multiplied by 2?", thereby proving that he is not a real person but an automated robot.
BBC News 24 to be renamed strictly come dancing
Presenter Bill Turnbull said "At least half of all our stories are about Strictly, so we felt we might as well change the name of our channel. We will now be rebranded as BBC News about Strictly 24/7"
Rich Frog Prince Snuffs It
"I knew it wouldn't be long before he croaked," said his new Danish wife, Ms Elaine Goldigga (36-26-36).
Pigs Fly in France
In wake of swine flu, teachers in France implore children to forego traditional cheek-to-cheek kiss (known as "la bise") used as greeting. What's next? No more wine in school cafeterias?
A Call for Reinforcements
Jay Leno ditched desk for new show, opting for "conversation area" with two light-duty chairs. One of them to be beefed up and bolted down for Tom Cruise's special guest appearance Tuesday.
Japan's Prime Minister Spurns Globalization
Japanese PM is anti US-led globalization! OK America, do your part, no more buying Japanese cars, electronics, cameras or cell phones. Let's take our business across the street to Korea!
Sarkozy declares "ethnic cleansing" unavoidable in Calais, IT STINKS!
Pres. Sarkozy has told all illegal Untermenschen in Calais slum, the Jungle, they are "MERDE" and promised to clear them out, Poland have promised to adopt them, Auschwitz has opened it's doors!
Aussie copies Austrian "Slyly" and "Keeps it in the family"
Aussies and Austrians are clearly related when it come's to bringing up their daughters, they both follow the lyrics of that classic Sly and the Family Stone hit, "It's a family affair!"
Anyone Ever Hear of a Laundry List?
Senator Dole has suggested that President Obama push a heath care reform bill he wants. President Bush had sent Speaker Pelosi a 6 page outline of what he wanted to see in a bill, she had a hissy fit.
Bigfoot Identified - Shit Found In Washington State
Scientists followed an Andrex trail from a giant toilet in the NW woods. A young Bigfoot was found wound in tissue, suffocated at the end of the roll. "He may have been playing" says Dr Bob Hope, UCLA
Extremist Politics Explained
Extreme right and left wing Republicans and Democrats, respectively, are like servo mechanisms that are hard up against their mechanical stops. No useful work is ever performed!
The Greening of America
A condom maker announced that their product has gone green, using less plastic in manufacturing. Male employees called in sick to their employers and phoned doctors complaining of a green complexion.
Putin On The Blitz
Putin blames Britain for Russia's invasion of Poland on the 70th anniversary of WWII. Hitler, Stalin were victims.
Point of View
Liberal political pundits on TV think free speech means only their opinions count. But, these liberal pundits keep getting FOXed!
Where's My Coffee
The Wall Street Journal reports, Starbucks to open 4000 new stores. Blessed are the coffee makers, as they have gone forth and multiplied!
The Brady Bunch is now 40 years old
Cindy wants to know if she can stop wearing her hair in curls now.
Dancing with the Health Care Stars
The dance team of Gibbs and Axelrod performed their latest two step, the Health Care Reform Public Option Waffle on Sunday's talk shows. The president will get out his dancing shoes later this week.
Don't Ya'll Believe It!
Eastern Kentucky teenager in smashed up Chevy says that painting tunnels on mountainside doesn't work in real life.
United Nations Custodial Staff Complaints
After Muammar Al-Khadafi spoke at the UN, the custodial crew had to clean up the poop on the dais. They asked "why couldn't it all wait until after Hugo Chavez and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's speeches?"
They're Already Organized
Organized crime in Chicago say they are already planning on helping Barack Obama win the presidency again in 2012. Did I say organized crime? I meant organized labor of course.
Spoof writer NickFun claims that snippets do not offer enough space
Spoof writer NickFun insisted today that the Spoof's snippet section is too small. "I want more snippet space!" Fun declared. Spoof editor Mark Lowton said "Tell Fun to go fuc
Terrorist inadvertently detonates two bombs hidden in his jock strap, on the way to a checkpoint. Iraqi police say he had big brass ones, but not for long!
Welcome to the Big Apple
Muammar Al-Khadafi, Hugo Chavez and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad finally find lodgings at the Bronx Zoo, which had three empty cages.
Obama a brown racist, it's possible!
Ex Pres and "Lord of the Peanuts" Jimmy Carter has told the world Obama is a brown racist, Obama admitted this fact and told all blacks and whites "to sniff his very brown butt!!"
Left wing liberal loons imply government run DoD spends too much money. Yet these same loons are calling for big government run health care, which will make Pentagon spending look like chump change!
Iranian Kabuki Dance
The Iranians must be related to the Japanese! Look at the Kabuki Dance the Iranians are putting on for President Obama over their building a nuclear bomb.
Topless Iranian Women
The Iranian Mullahs will now allow Iranian women to go topless, provided they wear a Burka!
Staffordshire gold horde declarared a fake
Metal detecting aficionado who made the find has been given 'all that glisters' bum's rush by UK Treasury 'Trash in the Attic' valuation shysters.
Get Spoof News in your email inbox!