Spoof news snippets from Thursday 8 October 2009
Palin Anger Putin
Sarah Palin angers Russia's Putin by saying that, in contrast where she could see someone who peed in Russia at her house in Alaska, it took high-powered binoculars to see Putin's penis.
Spoof Writer Bureau Pens His 10,000th Snippet
I'll bet this one slipped through so fast between the rest of his that you never notice.
Romo Says Critics Are Not Affecting His Performance
"I'll suck on Sundays regardless of what people think of me."
Miley Cyrus quits use of Twitter
"i done got tired of all y'all makin fun uh my spellen an such"
Sport's Illustrated Swimsuit Model Says "Topless Blondes Have More Fun."
I wonder if she's ever tried it bottomless?
Motor oil company approaces David Letterman to be new commercial spokesman
"He's just another man who was caught thinkin' with his dipstick!"
Bristol Palin's Ex Boyfirend does "full monty" in women's magazine
Fortunately, the centerfold staple was big enough to hide his shortcomings.
Monica Lewinsky issues new press release
"I never worked for David Letterman."
Roman Polanski asks questions from European Prison
"If I do get extradited back to California, does Disney still have those Mouseketeer girls?"
Very small Nigerian tribe reveals that words "Barrack Obama" are in their rare tribal language
It means "incompetent smiling boob" when translated into English.
NFL says Brett Favre may have failed drug test after game
League cannot decide whether or not Geritol is a banned substance.
"Gone With The Baby Teeth"
Man who worked at Toms Of Maine inventing a new toothpaste that lasted for an entire year, missing.
Better Than Average
Naked man running around new Yankee stadium on national television and dodging police, guards and other fans achieves 17.14 minutes of national fame.
The Good Old Days
Henry Kissinger said to be getting with old friends on the weekends, listening to the old Nixon tapes and get crying drunk.
Missing Some teeth
Congressmen who spoke out against allowing women on the front lines of the military beaten up by old battle-ax at home.
Outlaw Chinese Buffets!
People who eat very little to live a lot longer throw their weight politically against having Chinese restaurants in America.
Intelligence Hires Mathematician!
"Whoopsie daisy!" says General Petraeus, "Intelligence has underestimated the number of Taliban in Afghanistan by 500,000."
Popeye, Olive Oil Witnesses
FBI announces that they have finally gotten Bluto to confess that it was he who was behind the spinach e.coli scare last year.
Sounds Like Baby's First Words
The sudden crisis in Kyrgyzstan allows the rest of the world to know that there is actually a country by that name and, locally, drunk at bar wasn't making up a story as he went.
Cameron says 'I'm up to the test'
"Come on then, ask me a question on anything you like! Sport, General knowledge. Anything. Geography, Films, Music, Homeopathy. Anything at all!
Ed Balls "Most Teachers Are Nuts Anyway"!
The TeenBuzz created to prevent teenage crime is been used by school kids to drive their teachers nuts! When asked about the threat Ed Balls said "most of our teachers are nuts anyway!"
Noble prize for literature a FIX, Sir Skoobspeare the real winner!
Spoof writers attacked Oslo today and threw everything at Herta Mueller,the false winner! Jaggedone and his fellow nutters feel the "Spoof Bard", Sir Skoobspeare should have scooped the $850.000!
Old Scrabblehead Scores Again!
Hot date bragged about all during week at work advances as "Advocate" yields the lucky bum 62 more points with a triple word score.
Order in The Court!
Defying their latest food court order, cheeseburgers arrive with fries on the plate.
Real Census Takers
Errors by Census Bureau employees may have resulted in 200 people with criminal records being hired to conduct door to door canvassing. "And, your income and where you hide it, please?"
Recession Bottoming Out
Further evidence points to the recession bottoming out as Fed Chairman, Bernanke says bottoms at WalMart full half-inch bigger than last year.
Sports Night Fight!
In Butter County, Kentucky Annual High School Sports Night ends with huge fight as star quarterback has his third trophy shove up his ass by little-known broken-nosed Center!
See That Kid, He's 70 Years Old
"As The World Turns", now receive all 53 years from episode one on 500 DVD's for only $399.95!
Obama Meets Those Who Lost Homes
President Barack Obama made it a point to meet with people today that have lost their homes. "Better get us homes or you'll join us in 2012", states spokesperson.
Arbroath's Got Talent
Arbroath will field the first woman goalie for a top flight football match against Clyde next week. New signing Susan Boyle has ditched her music career in a desperate bid to stay in the public eye.
Holiday Messages From Obama
A new Obama video has been released in which he appears to be dressed like a huge penis. "To all my people who are Islamic freedom fighters in American, Happy Halloweenie!, in Britain, Happy Guy Fux"
Polar Bears Change Rules
Polar Bear Club decides that no actual polar bears are allowed after this weekend's tragedy.
Laptop Still There
Different uses for laptop desk at White House for the past three presidents. Currently: laptop computer, former: lapdog, before that: lapdancer.
Don't Speak Miranda
Pennsylvania courts free 12th prisoner since July 1st who didn't have his rights read to him when arrested. "That's why they call us "The Keystone Cops" state" says attorney.
Change! Change! Change!
Post-Leaving Troops In Iraq and Afghanistan position comes with spin doctors better prepared this time around.
Obama Blames Conspiracy
President Obama accuses vast "You Lie!' conspiracy of keeping him from getting health care bill passed.
Dinosaur prints found in France
They appear to date from the early Jurassic Renaissance period where dinosaurs experimented with vibrant colours and bold shapes.
Leaf Once Walked The Earth
Footprint of giant three-toed sloth that one day walked the earth apparently only that of decayed leaf.
First Electric Car
First electric police car rolls onto Britain's streets and is ran over by a dog.
Transsexual turned down for breast and penis enlargement claims sex discrimination in case that will cost taxpayer thousands.
Smuggled In Vietnamese
French politician arrested for 'smuggling 16 Vietnamese migrants into Britain'. "I thought he looked a little fat", states official.
He's Been Removed
Husband of Prince Charles's florist, once removed, 'killed himself because he thought she would leave him'.
Interest Rates Shaking People Up
Interest rates held at hysterical 0.5% low as Bank rejects call to pump more cash into economy!
Ripley Is Back
One in four people in the world are Muslim, one in foour are Chinese...but very few Chinese are Muslim, Believe It Or Not!
"So What Did Poor Polanski Do?"
French minister who demanded Roman Polanski be freed paid for sex with 'young boys' in Thailand, goat in Iraq and tree at Greenpeace rally.
Fore Goodness Sake
Grandmother killed by golf ball hit by her playing partner, Geraldine Ford.
Cameron Makes His Pitch
'My dream for a new Britain': Cameron sets out vision for Tory-led nation as he makes emotional pitch for PM. 'Is for no more SOB's to sit for the British empire!'
Come Dancing Slur?
Strictly Come Dancing's Bruce Forsyth: 'It's no worse than calling us Limeys,' as the Old Fart defends Anton Du Beke's 'Paki' slur.
So Dad Wants To Jump From Planes?
President Obama discovers video in back of former president Bush desk drawer showing himself running through White House with a pair of scissors in his hands while aids applaud.
Favre In The Hole!
Minnesota Vikings line keeping rejuvenated Favre upright as added horns on helmets seem to be working out well.
It's All In The Game!
Yankees rally past Twins $297,000,000 to $5,300,000 in American League baseball playoff opener.
DOT Hires Psychic!
Department of Transportation releases airline delay list for upcoming Holiday season.
Web Tool Handy
Web tool helps advise when your flu needs a doctor, claims the AFLACK duck!
Chip Measures Breasts
Chip measures breast estrogen with just a poke. Chip then carted off to jail after posing as a medical doctor.
They're Practically Here
Health Secretary Sebelius: Americans should get the flu vaccinations, flu, any day now!
Concussions Need More Attention
More attention, better treatment needed for concussions. "When they look away while you're trying to talk to them, give them a little head slap", says expert.
Hair On Back Of Neck Also Rises
Review: Wireless charging lets you cut the cords, but cats and dogs refuse to walk in certain areas of your home.
Otter Be A Law!
Feds give sea otters habitat protection in Alaska as Limbaugh accuses a few Greenpeace people of secretly adding a little oil on the backs of those in area that was reviewed.
Some Good News For A Change
NASA downgrades the threat of large asteroid as arriving in 2015, not 2014!
Japanese' Godzilla Worse Than Obama's Health Care
Big dino prints found in Jurassic park in France. Japanese say they tried to tell the French that he was headed their way.
They're Making That Up!
According to Drudge, Cantor to talk over health care policy with Hoyer, and Fiddledick with Penishead, I guess. Who are these people?
Woman found in Fla. home under 8 feet of trash. Tells authorities that when she moved there she was told that trash pick-up day was on Monday, January 5th. "I guess they meant EVERY Monday."
Lenient Police Officer
South Carolina's governor's driver stopped for speeding, was not ticketed. "It's rough driving all the way from Argentina", states understanding police officer.
Stumbling Blocks In Afghanistan
UN encounters stumbling blocks in training Afghans. "They somehow manage to get those blocks out there every night", states UN General Bollocks.
New quakes, small tsunami panic Pacific islanders as recent big ones may have awakened Godzilla, says Japan.
Joe Says No!
Health bill would cost $829B, help cover 94 percent says Obama group but Congressman Joe Wilson says that they lie!
Mueller Wins Nobel Prize
Herta Mueller wins 2009 Nobel literature prize for book on fall of communism, although US, Briton, others seem to be headed that way.
FBI Watching Terror Suspects
AP sources: FBI eyes terror suspect's travel talk. Overheard, "We're going to Disney World!"
Iran Nuclear Facilities Could Disappear
Israeli foreign minister: No chance for peace deal as long as Israeli continued to be unrecognized by Iran, etc. "Maybe it's time to show them that we do."
AP Poll: Third of parents oppose swine flu vaccine. Afraid they'll become policemen in the future.
The Longest Dog
North Dokata woman's 7-foot-dong..... dog could be record the holder, say Book of Records people.
"They're Flying The French Flag, Can't Hurt Us!"
Somali pirates attack French military flagship and steal over 50,000 French flags. Probable use: Disguise purposes.
'Whatever' so totally tops most the annoying word poll, especially "like whatever!" "Obama on TV about health care" most annoying phrase.
Roller Coaster Mystery
The world's fastest roller in New Jersey park gets trial run by selected enthusiasts, disappears into thin air, comes back empty except every seat full of shit. "No more rides", say park owners.
Bubble Boy "Out There"
Family in Wyoming come home to their Bubble Boy being missing. "He's probably wandering around Cheyenne drunk again. Never could hold his champaign", says dad.
Saved By Mama!
A UFO landed in Washington last night near the White House and a little green man asks "Take me to your ladder". Once on the ladder, he looks at Michelle's mother with rolling pin & hurries away.
Man Loses Toes
Kentucky man who lost his toes while mowing his lawn says "Maybe we did come from monkeys. I walk all leaned forwards and drag my knuckles on the ground.
Michelle Obama says that if Barack doesn't quit talking about the health care plan in his sleep, she's moving into other room with her mother. "He even sings a little jingle with it."
Lisa Marie Twins Almost One
Lisa Marie Presley says that her twins are doing fine as they are almost one year old. "Sometimes I can't tell Hunka Hunka from Banana Sandwich if Hunka Hunka wasn't a girl, or is it Banana Sandwich?"
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