Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 6 October 2009
Everyone Has A Double
Scientists report that everyone in the world does have a double or even a triple or quartet if you live in Arkansas, Kentucky, Tennessee or West Virginia.
Americans Not Exercizing
Americans are urged to travel more, or at least get up off their fat asses and walk to the end of their driveway for their mail. Respond: "It's a drive way isn't it?"
Hollywood Changing It's Ways
Hollywood says they have had enough of so much violence in today's movies and have decided to go for much more sex.
"Wake Up, George, He's Finally Home"
Overall TV Ratings continue to drop mysteriously as many abandon reality shows to sit on the porch and watch neighbors fight.
Cher In Body Cast
Cosmetic surgery leads to early arthritis claims new study. Hollywood asks for bailouts as several scheduled to 35-year-olds slowly make their way before congressional committee.
"Fart Bags Stored Overhead!"
Airline asks passengers to use the toilet before boarding so they will weigh less and help cut carbon emissions, provide better air to breathe while in flight.
Can't Afford Another One Like That
Pictured: How a £110,000 Ferrari was reduced to a charred heap
after really, really hot date. Both escape just in time, jump in pond.
Introducing The SmartCap
SmartCap invented that warns drivers they are about to nod off, automatically tips at attractive ladies and bill goes when approached by idiots.
Mostly Good News
Economy boosted by rise in house prices and car sales but old man Chester Ingraham down on Gurley Street suffering from slump.
They Could Be Right
Police scheme to put bright yellow labels and small flashing red light on valuables left in cars is branded an 'advert to thieves'.
Chickens Have Bugs
Two-thirds of fresh chicken bought on High Street 'contains bug that kills 70 Britons a year'. Health authorities recommend fried chicken restaurants that "contain very little real chicken".
Full Body X-Rays
Air passengers face full body X-rays after suicide bombers hide devices INSIDE their bodies. Also other passengers warned about "A quick goose"!
Wheelie Bin Laden, Mate Captured
Stolen wheelie bins sold on black market as fortnightly rubbish collections fuel rise in thefts. Two thieves caught after all-night wheelie-bin police stakeout.
Bonehead Back To Normal
Pensioner who lost part of his skull in car crash 50 years ago stuns doctors when new bone grows back. Has phone disconnected after over 1,000 eunuch calls.
Headmaster Almost Bans Tight Pants
Headmaster bans...girl pupils from wearing...too-tight 'Miss Sexy' Sexy'....Sexy....school trousers. Well, on second thought...
Millions of public sector workers face pay freeze under Tories' £7billion cost-cutting drive. "Nothing but cold hard cash once the freeze hits", states one member.
'Brilliant' nurse cleared of assaulting patient, 98, by helping her to stand up, do comedy routine.
Hotmail Security Breach!
Hotmail security breach spreads as 20,000 Gmail and Yahoo! passwords are posted online...Kiss my ass!...John Dockery is queer...the quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog!
Old Lady Doing Better
Police in Cleveland, Ohio discover 20 dogs, 12 cats and over 5,000 mattress tags in old woman's house after ambulance hauls her to hospital where she is doing better. She's already collected 87 tags.
Disney Into Deep Doodoo
Disney's Dopey, just out of rehab again, reveals Sneezie as his source. White Snow proclaims her innocence. That should be, Snow White.
TV Guide Just Lists Obama For This Week
The Taliban, al-Qaida and Osama bin Laden all three take credit for nothing good being on TV, especially the Obama sweeps. Each accuses the other of lying. Nigerian bank to investigate.
Craig The Foot Tapper
Senator Larry Craig and guy who used to play Potsie seen together at casino in Las Vegas.
Letterman's Further Shocker
David Letterman revealed last night that he had slept with all three members of the Roman Polanski Fan Club.
Klingons In Afghanistan?
U.S. troops unveiling woman who assisted Taliban firing on soldiers trying to keep streets safe, claim that she is a male Klingon. However, doctor reports that female Taliban just look that way.
Apple Saying Misquoted By Salespeople
The US Department of Health, Education & Welfare has released the statement that a candied, chocolate-covered apple on a stick a day does NOT keep the doctor away!
Obama Suddenly Talking About Health Care
President Obama: With the government running the health care for our citizens, we will provide the same excellent services as social security, medicare, medicaid has done before they all went broke.
Obama Regrets Losing Olympic Bid
Obama says it's a shame that Chicago lost the bid for the 2016 Olympics since both White Sox and Cubs stadiums usually empty at this time of year.
No More Clowns Into Space
Clown aboard space station throws smuggled pie at leading crew member, hitting him and everyone else as it's still floating around.
True, It Won't Buy Much
US Treasury Secretary fires three employees who printed one-dollar bills with a picture of a fasting Gandhi on the front, saying it was not funny.
US Bombings Hurting Israel
Afghanistan accused of sending former rubble from bombings, now down to the ordinary size of rocks, into the Gaza Bank!
Experts say that U.S. Intelligence still failing the American people. "There's been nothing but dumbasses in Washington since Reagan, a worthy opponent", says Russia's
Sarah Won't Commit Yet!
Former Alaskan governor Sarah Palin says that she has not decided if she will throw her bra into the ring for the 1012 presidential race.
New Civil War?
The countries of France and Britain have announced that they will not take part in any new American civil war between the Obama communist/socialists and the well-armed & Bible-toting "You Lie" group.
Vietnam's Full Support
Operation Healthcare For All has the full support of all communist countries around the world, announces Vietnam!
Is Mahmoud Jewish?
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's political opponenets say they have proof that he is Jewish by discovering his bar mitzvah on a film sent to them anonymously.
Networks Sue Bush
All four major networks have sued former president George Bush for his going into Iraq in 2001 just as they were launching their prime time fall schedule.
Purell Picks Lady Macbeth As Spokesperson
Spurred on by Swine Flu worries the anti-bacterial lotion selected Lady Macbeth as it new spokesperson. Mcbeth said," No need to keep washing my hands, just keep using, Purel, Purel, Purel, Purel....
CBS Defends Letterman
CBS has announced that they have complete confidence in the David Letterman's The Late Show, now on at 2AM. May change name to Early Early Show.
Letterman Last Night
David Letterman last night: Ahmadinejad is Jewish! Wow. Iraq war continues. Pirates overrun Somali. What's wrong with the Cowboys? Iran Firing missiles and, oh yeah, I been screwing around a bit."
Quit Hogging The Salt
This past weekend, President Obama celebrated his 17th wedding anniversary. The Obamas celebrated by going out for a romantic candlelit dinner with just his wife and her mother.
Titanic Anniversary Cruise Planned
A trans-Atlantic cruise is being offered in 2012 to mark the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic. Officials plan to carefully plot paths of some 1,000 icebergs broken off by that time.
Ferguson Defends Letterman
Craig Ferguson defends Letterman, his boss: "So what's the big deal? I've took it in the ass a few times, myself. He means no harm."
New Indy Movie?
Harrison Ford has signed to do a new Indy movie with Kirsty Alley. It is rumored to be called, "Indiana Jones & Minnesota Fats".
Indiana Doctor Volunteers
Indiana doctor is among the very first to get swine flu vaccination, swine flu.
Tracking Medical Implants
US has no good system to track medical implants. Team of surgeons recommend that tags be placed.
Students Purchasing Less Candy, Soda
Fewer schools selling candy, soda to students as price of cigarettes continue to climb, taking most student's spending money.
Vaccine Helps Against Cocaine Addiction
Vaccine-like shots help fight cocaine addiction but some addicts now up to three vaccine-like shots per day.
Third Quarter Profit
Samsung expects strong 3rd-quarter profit as company stocks jump by 75 cents.
New Stonehenge Findings
New Stonehenge find shows religious significance. May have been ancient worship site of stone masons.
Petraeus Treated For Prostate Cancer
General Petraeus treated for prostate cancer. "This Iraq think is proving to be a pain in the ass for all of us."
Court Examines Ohio's Death Penalty
Courts examine Ohio's lethal-injection procedures. Ten shots into criminal's ass by relatives of the victim could prove unconstitutional.
We'll Ham It Up Later
Obama postpones meeting with Dalai Lama until he gets permission from China. "It's a financial thing", states the President.
NYC Suspect's Al-Qaida Contact
Sources: NYC suspect had senior al-Qaida contact. "We're estimating him to be at least 98", says one expert.
"I'm An Idiot, OK?"
Jokes, apologies from David Letterman on his show last night but not a whole lot of laughter.
Afghanistan Right On Schedule
Clinton, Gates say US goals steady in Afghanistan. "We're pretty well right on schedule for a Nixon-Type pullout in three years!"
Shared Ancester In 2,000 BC
Rumors of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's Judaism have been greatly exaggerated. "Anyone can clearly see that I exist", states Iran's leader.
Obama's Zero Accomplishments?
Is SNL right that Obama's accomplished 'nothing'? No, say experts, he's succeeded and making people sick of seeing him on TV and magazines.
Young Taking Advantage
For young, recession offers deals of a lifetime. "I bought and ran off three old couples from their homes last week", says one millionaire's son.
UN: Best Places To Live
Norway is best place to live, China moves up according to the UN. Haiti, Congo still #2 and #3.
Scientist Reveals Fakes?
An Italian scientist says he has reproduced the Shroud of Turin, proving definitively that the linen some Christians revere as Jesus Christ's burial cloth is a fake. Then he sawed a woman in half.
New Talks With NKorea?
North Korea considers return to nuclear talks. "I might, I might not. How many Bugs Bunny cartoons are they offering?", asks Kim.
Manchester council have produced a leaflet: 'A sex guide for the over 50s' as a prequel to 'Prostitution for the over 70s'.
PBS Got Letterman
A spokesman for David Letterman told reporters today that Dave will be doing a special series for PBS beginning this winter called, "The Antique Rode Ho".
Truth In Advertising
The Killoggs Cereal Company has admitted that their new completely healthy fiber cereal with 100% of the days vitamins has ten teaspoons of sugar, marshmallow vitamin pills and ground physillium.
Saturn Leaves Orbit
The last GMC Saturn car model, the 2010 Pelosi, came off the production line today. This vehicle suffered from an extreme pull to the left, made a lot of noise and was expensive to operate.
Senate Leader Reid & Speaker Pelosi agree to use the New York City Phone book, with a cover "Health Care Reform Bill!" President Obama can then sign this no cost bill before the Christmas holidays.
Mary had a little lamb, some pork, a chicken and then a filet of fish. PETA had a cow!
Tea Party and a Crone
Federal Anti-Discrimination Agency cites Janeane Garofalo as being a racist for insulting Tea Party attendees by calling them racists. She is being fined $1.0 Trillion & will apologize on FOX News.
No Fooling Around
The EEOC has asked David Letterman the number one question on their top ten list. Dave "what part of, you do not fool around with your employees (either sex) do you not understand?"
Is there a Doctor on Board?
The pilot and copilot of a commercial airliner headed for Washington DC got into a fist fight over health care reform. No one was hurt, as there were 150 doctors on board headed to the White House.
US Consumer Protection Agency not only wants all Chinese made tires recalled but also all Chinese rubbers. "No wonder there's so many ****** Chinese", says Secretary.
"I Was On The Floor!"
Couple who marry in their eighties make their own sex movie while on honeymoon, wins first place in comedy at the Sundance Film Festival.
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