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Pay Peanuts Get Monkeys!

The "Teen (Mosquito) Buzz" created to prevent teenage crime is been used by school kids to drive their teachers nuts! When asked about the threat Ed Balls said "most of our teachers are nuts anyway!"

written by Amdy Wilson, 05 October 2009
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Owls lose their cool

Several reports have been made this week, regarding the terrorising behaviour of rogue owls in the East England Woodlands. The problems began when the stoats won the Woodland wisdom championship cup.

written by Nate John Won, 05 October 2009
Rating:

Urban jungle - Tarzan moves to town

The famous Lord Greystoke moved to his Camden London residence this week. However, there were several reports regarding the disappearance of pets every time Greystoke uses his famous jungle call.

written by Nate John Won, 05 October 2009
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Treasure buried for future generations

A new government initiative was revealed today - over the last year, several secret batches of crystal and gold were buried around England. 'We need to think ahead,' said a Blue-party member.

written by Nate John Won, 05 October 2009
Rating:

Vowel infection at city restaurant

London's famous EAT IT bistro has temporarily closed,
following the discovery of a rampant strain of Vowel virus VV-IB. Several customers were served soap instead of soup, and coke instead of cake.

written by Nate John Won, 05 October 2009
Rating:

No Rosie Garden

Suicide Bomber sues radical muslim clergy over 72 virgins as he says they all look like Rosie O'Donnell and point at his small penis and laugh.

written by Bureau, 05 October 2009
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Judge Among Judges

The trial of a former US judge accused of having sex with male inmates, and maybe a judge or two, in exchange for leniency is set to start in Mobile, Alabama & end running naked along Pensacola Beach!

written by Bureau, 05 October 2009
Rating:

Egypt Bans Full Veils

Egypt's highest Muslim authority has said he will issue a religious edict against the growing trend for full women's veils, known as the niqab. Reason: Too many men sneaking into women's bathrooms.

written by Bureau, 05 October 2009
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He's Lost His Mime!

The London Times has reported that so many town mimes have been out of work lately that they are now competing as Village Idiots.

written by Bureau, 05 October 2009
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Hillary Has Early 2010 Mission

After discovering that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton will be going around the world early next year to visit over 20 countries, Bill tells President Obama, "good luck! She never did it for me!"

written by Bureau, 05 October 2009
Rating:

The Gabor Brothers

Ina new book from one who's father was once married to one of the Gabor sisters tells the story they tried to hide about their idiot brothers, Gomer and Goober Gabor.

written by Bureau, 05 October 2009
Rating:

It's Surrealistic!

Al Gore joins with Michael Moore in next movie to show how rancid air coming from Taco Belle is causing a hole in the earth's pants.

written by Bureau, 05 October 2009
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"He Says He Misses You Too"

Lady who convinced battle-injured old soldiers that she could bring them into contact with their ghost-penis arrested in New Orleans.

written by Bureau, 05 October 2009
Rating:

Al Gore Flipping Out

Al Gore cracks and casts himself upon the side of stray floating "iceberg" which turns out to be a great white whale!

written by Bureau, 05 October 2009
Rating:

Strikers Could Face Hard Landing

Officials in Orlando, Florida described as tense after tightrope artists at Barnum & Bailey, Ringling Brothers Circus walk off job.

written by Bureau, 05 October 2009
Rating:

Police Were Laying For Him

Jack the Ripper finally tuns himself in to police in White Chapel district as Jack confesses to ripping off some 10,000 mattress tags.

written by Bureau, 05 October 2009
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We'd Be Bankrupt Without Them

Crispy Creme Donuts contributes over $250,000 to nationwide fundraiser, the Policeman's Ball!

written by Bureau, 05 October 2009
Rating:

Sotomayor's Cat Already Affecting Supreme Court

In a landmark decision, the supreme court ruled today that dogs and cats who have been friends for years may marry but only on the Day of the Blessing of the Animals, in October.

written by Bureau, 05 October 2009
Rating:

Obamas To Fly Over Disaster Area

Today President and Michelle Obama will fly over Chicago and view the damage left there after they received the news that the 2016 Olympics will not be held in Chicago.

written by Bureau, 05 October 2009
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Hacker Wars!

Names and addresses of online hackers appear online by a different group of hackers, who's names and addresses appeared online yesterday.

written by Bureau, 05 October 2009
Rating:

Hand Bitten Reaching Across The Aisle

Temperary Senate bill passes that will keep the nation from falling into anarchy and madness for the next six months, over opposition of GOP Senators who say they are lying!

written by Bureau, 05 October 2009
Rating:

McCain Still Getting Bouquets

President keeps sending John McCain bouquets each week with "Better Luck Next Time" even though McCain has began giving them to secretaries. "He's just wanting me to run again", says Senator.

written by Bureau, 05 October 2009
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"10...9....2?"

President Obama worries after testing a countdown to a missile launch gets transferred to operators in India.

written by Bureau, 05 October 2009
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Casino Bailout

News from Las Vegas is that several casinos have once again bailed out some of their highest rollers who have lost in the past with an extension of credit, this time up to $20,000.

written by Bureau, 05 October 2009
Rating:

Quite A Sight

Lots of migrating birds, one huge ice shelf spotted heading south for the winter.

written by Bureau, 05 October 2009
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Letterman, Ladies Attend China Celebration

Overheard at China's Anniversary Celebration: "I see Letterman is here visiting with a couple of his recently promoted ladies on his staff."

written by Bureau, 05 October 2009
Rating:

Regis Corrects Archaelologists

Archaeologists in Ethiopia discovered a 4.4-million-year-old skeleton & they're calling her "Ardi." However, Regis claims her name was actually "Booba" and she got around really well for her age.

written by Bureau, 05 October 2009
Rating:

No Chi-Town Olympics

Chicago fails to get 2016 Olympics despite Oprah, Obama, Michelle visits. Cubs curse of not winning in over 100 years said to be determining factor.

written by Bureau, 05 October 2009
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New Health Bill In The Works

U.S. Democrat leader faces tough job in grafting new health bill.....In CRAFTING new health bill.

written by Bureau, 05 October 2009
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Census Takes In Autistic Adults

For the First Time, a Census of Autistic Adults. For each of their worlds, there is a total of one.

written by Bureau, 05 October 2009
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Candy Leads To Crime

Eating Candy in Childhood Linked to Adult Crime! That's why we have come up with such terms as "nose candy", "goodies", etc.

written by Bureau, 05 October 2009
Rating:

3 Americans Win Nobel Prize For Medicine

Three Americans share 2009 Nobel medicine prize. Each will get one-third of the prize money, one-third of each year bust of Nobel will stay in each winner's house.

written by Bureau, 05 October 2009
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New Justice

Supreme Court begins new term with new justice. "We've decided to throw out all the old laws, etc. and get a fresh start", says Chief Justice Roberts.

written by Bureau, 05 October 2009
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Splitting hairs

Siamese twins joined at the penis still arguing over who gets what from the nine inches.

written by Bureau, 05 October 2009
Rating:

One Of Those Days

Orlando, Florida man hit by lightning manages to crawl off golf course and fall across electric fence before body was discovered.

written by Bureau, 05 October 2009
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Sky Pilot!

Romantic fiance has "Will you marry me and become the light of my life?" in the sky before plane crashes from lack of fuel.

written by Bureau, 05 October 2009
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A Thousands Cuts

Man who wore red suit into San Francisco China Shop admits that it wasn't one of his or the bull's better days.

written by Bureau, 05 October 2009
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Clowns In Space!

Circus tycoon clowns around aboard space station. Two others upset after being squirted with recycled piss.

written by Bureau, 05 October 2009
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Rock DominoTipping?

Prehistoric site found near UK's Stonehenge as the bones of giants are unearthed.

written by Bureau, 05 October 2009
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Talks With Iran Progress

White House sees progress from talks with Iran as no shoes have flown through the air yet.

written by Bureau, 05 October 2009
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Stinking Bison Meat

Town gets rid of 44 tons of stinking bison meat as the Buffalo Bills are told to go play football elsewhere.

written by Bureau, 05 October 2009
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Government Doing Heckava Job!

Waves of new fund cuts imperil US nursing homes. Which is a fine example of what happens when the government messes with America's health care.

written by Bureau, 05 October 2009
Rating:

Some Jobs Going Begging

Even as layoffs persist, some good jobs go begging. Such as that spot on the street to the right of Tiffanys in New York City.

written by Bureau, 05 October 2009
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