Spoof news snippets from Friday 30 October 2009
Fructose will kill ya dead, say scientists
Tiny amounts of 'fructose' ingested during the munching of bread could cause symptoms ranging from slight discomfort to really serious death, claim scientist.
Best not then, eh.
Miley Clix in Polanski Pix
Roman Polanski has announced plans to star teen Miley Cyrus in a remake of "Rosemary's Baby," as soon as he's out of jail. Dad Billy Ray Cyrus could not comment, as he was cleaning his many shotguns.
Why Not Make Him A "Little Woody"?
Report: Mob considered hit on Woody Allen after marrying adopted daughter. However, Sinatra called it off after Mia says he wasn't worth the bullet.
Rice Advises Hillary
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton asks former Secretary of State Rice for advice on Afghan, Iraq wars. "Get your pantsuited ass out of there girl before you lose your head."
Leslie Osbourne III receives Nobel Prize for Technology after teaching laptop to lapdance.
Lady is Gaga Over Pregnancy
New York, NY - Lady Gaga has announced that she is expecting. The baby, a girl, is due in the spring and will be named Lady GooGoo.
Bogota - Colombian police have taken singer Shakira into custody, charging her with pelvic untruths. As it turns out, hips DO lie.
KKK hunter Jerry Mitchell sings "Mami" in duet with Al Jolson
Ku Klux Klan hunter Jerry.M has decided to release a duet sung with white negro, Al Jolson, to finance his campagne against the KKK, white folks are buying the record and black folks think it's crap
New Flight Info
Further evidence has come in on that plane that went down in the Hudson River. Although one engine was lost to a flock of geese, the other was lost in the first trial flight of "balloon boy".
Wesley Snipes kicked out of Sir James Dyson's Fanclub!
Sir James Dyson has now invented the blade less fan - he claims that he has no time for horror movie actors in his fan club.
Bush Ratings Up Again
Ever since George Bush's retirement, his approval rating has climbed steadily and has now passed that of Obama. Of course, the ratings are based on staying in retirement.
MP's Suffer Cold Turkey
Following the English MP's expenses scandal Gordon Brown has decided not to send out free turkeys to party followers this Xmas. Shares in Bernard Matthews are set to tumble because of the move!
Hitler Aide Dies
Memoirs of one of Adolf Hitler's closest aides could shed new light on the Nazi leader's personal involvement in the Holocaust, media reports say. However, hopes fade as 96-year-old begins "We lost?"
Stalin In Rehab?
Russian President Dmitry Medvedev has made an outspoken attack on those seeking to rehabilitate former Soviet leader Joseph Stalin. "It is hopeless. He is dead", stated the Russian leader.
Israel Praises UN Plan
Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu has praised a UN proposal to regulate Iran's uranium enrichment programme. "We will help start if off with a bang!"
The Pope Does Rocket Science!
The Vatican has now declared that Halloween is anti-Christian. This is something that Christians, real Christians have known for centuries.
Hiker Enthusiasm May Have Started Fires!
California police report that this year's forest fires were accidentally started by hiker who held up lighted cigarette lighter in appreciation of eagle taking out black bird mid-air in one swoop!
MTV accepts that Robbie Williams cannot perform live, he's brain-dead anyway!
Robbie cancelled his live gig at the MTV awards so MTV decided to offer pop diva Dame Vera Lynn his spot, wheelchair, zimmerframe, Grandma's rocking chair, it promises to be a geriatric blast!
Wars Costing U.S.
Cost of wars could cost US nearly $1.5 Trillion. That's enough to fuel 1,000 Big SUV's for a full year.
Halloween Masks Improving
Halloween is 'dangerous' says the Pope as he slams 'anti-Christian' festival. "Not true", says second and third pope, but fourth agrees.
Could Even Be Hiding On Yellow Brick Road
Murderers, rapists and paedophiles, Oh My! among 750 criminals on the run from prison.
New Cambridge Policies
Cambridge University allows Muslim students to wear burkhas under their mortar boards at graduation. History major to wear codpiece.
Another Hospital Blunder
Hospital blunder results in fat man being operated on in delivery ward.
Maybe Time To Rethink Program?
Prisoner left unsupervised on day release tried to rape girl, 15, holds up 27 liquor stores, blows up prison. "He was just over-excited", says attorney.
Bikini Pictures Surface of 16 Year Old Angelina Jolie
Swimsuit photos prove that she wasn't always covered in tasteless tattoos.
Vick In Trouble Again?
Michael Vick may be back in trouble as he has been accused of leading an illegal kangaroo kick-boxing ring.
Iran Leader Unhurt
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad apparently unhurt after Iran nuclear accident, looking much the same on TV except for nose now on back of head. Political opponents say "See, he IS two-faced".
Palin In Movie Remake
Sarah Palin to play herself in the remake of "North To Alaska" but will only be shown from the waist up.
"Czar She Is!"
President Barack Obama has announced this morning that Lady Gaga is his choice as the nation's Bizarre Czar.
Lab Rats On Steroids Escape By Beating Up Guard
Some lab rats have escaped in Newark, New Jersey, say scientists. "They were part of a steroid study, so we had to warn the public. They're approximately the size appearance of Bernie Madoff."
Joan Rivers Slipping
Apparently Joan Rivers also lost some money to Bernie Madoff and all her cosmetic surgery is slipping. At least she has a new movie role in a remake in which she will play Norman Bates mother.
It'll Be Here..Oh, Whenever!
Lindsay Lohan and Amy Winehouse have teamed up to do a special TV advertisement for "National Whatever Week".
Wife Taking Advantage
Chicago wife hauled into court after grown children hear her telling 75-pound husband with Alzheimer's that they hadn't had sex in a month, after they had walked in on them all week.
Men Not Exercizing Enough
Government: Adults should get 2½ hours of exercise per week.
Wife lying naked on bed in other room: "You try to tell him!"
Americans Could Save Millions
New study reports that Americans can save up to one trillion dollars a year by purchasing generic placebos.
More UFO Info Released
Britain and the United States release more UFO files. These are in original alien so you may have hard time reading them.
New NASA Plans
NASA may add "Comfort girls" to future flights into space as blown up dolls tend to float you around space station into others trying to sleep.
Bin Laden Book Updated
Osama Bin Laden's first wife's book back in top 100 as she updates copy to how much he hated American football and where he's hiding.
Soccer Star's Past Revealed
Revealed: Violent past of soccer star jailed for attacking woman who rejected his advances and kept him from scoring.
Miley Stalker In Court
Accused Miley Cyrus stalker due back in Georgia court. Asked not to wear raincoat.
Russia's Mars Plan
Russia hopes nuclear ship will fly humans to Mars, or at least their DNA.
Clam Descends On Markets
End-of-week calm descends on European markets as new "Free Valium, Xanax" seems to be working.
Final Last Warning Given
EU says Iran must stick by uranium limitation deal or they will have ambassadors lie on the floor and kick, hold their breath until they turn blue!
Need Better Oversight
Military plane, weather helicopter, clown car collide in freak accident.
Bettered Prepared: Add A Little MSG
Area officials looking to better prepare students in case future food shortages call for soylent green.
Dumb and Dumber Return!
Police are holding 2 robbers, wearing masks drawn on their faces with permanent marker pens. The duo were caught in Staples stationary store in America, apparently because they had run out of ink.
New High MPG Car Project On Hold!
New Jersey dad's garage project may need review after small mushroom cloud suddenly appears over garage.
Little $200 Million Group Pull In Another Win!
Teixeira, Matsui and Burnett help New York Yankees buy...tie World Series.
Haitian PM Fired
Haitian prime minister fired by the Senate, then "put out" the door!
Springsteen, Wonder, Obama Inducted To R&R Fame
Springsteen, Wonder and others celebrate entry into Rock Hall of Fame. Obama skips after being inducted for solos on "The Shower Tapes".
Treats Need A Joke
Iowa's early Halloween-goers need jokes for treats. But most get treats after saying "Your stupid son/daughter in law".
Kentucky farmer who got his Swine Flu shot claims his pigs still can't get off the ground, even with a toss. Hog shit-covered neighbor hurt himself jumping from barn loft while flapping away.
Shots For The Swine, Flew
Early Report: Some who get Swine Flu vaccine not in high-risk groups but are in high-income groups.
Some Don't Like New Bill
Health care businesses at risk in House overhaul as copy of new 10,000-page bill burned on the floor of congress and pissed out.
Not Enough Sleep
West Virginia leads in "not getting enough sleep". Followed by Tennessee, Oklahoma and Kentucky. Number one problem? Too much sex.
It's Still Alive!
It's alive! End-of-life counseling in health bill still in health care bill. Death squad decisions are final, no refunds.
Big snowstorm wallops Colorado, punches out Wyoming, headed for Dakotas kicking ass and taking names!
Sting Backs Obama, Sanitation Workers
Sting: Barack Obama, sanitation workers, best people to handle world's 'mess'
Clinton Faces Anger In Pakistan
Clinton faces Pakistani anger at Predator attacks, as drone missile passes by her head and heads for caves in the north.
The Idiocy of Agnosticism
A man announced that as he had seen no proof for or against elven creatures, the tooth fairy and Santa Clause, he was keeping an "open mind" and not believing or disbelieving.
If Scooby was so stupid...
...long time viewers of Scooby Doo wonder about how the dog could be so stupid, but at the same time have rudimentary speech.
To the bald fat man reading this
That tip you give to the cute 22 year old girl at Starbucks each day? You know, the dollar tip for the $1.50 coffee? It isn't actually making her care about you, or even notice you.
Your favorite band actually does suck
In spite of the humor inherent in those T-shirts that proclaim that your - yes, reader, "your" - favorite band sucks, it turns out that your's actually does.
You aren't fooling your friends
They know when you are too stupid to have got the joke they are all laughing at. Your fake laughter is quite distinct from your real laughter.
Your CPR did not save that woman
You did not bring the woman in the bikini who passed out by the pool back to life with your CPR. It was the foulness of your breath, and the revulsion to have her lips on someone so far below her.
Spontaneous Implosion Syndrome
Americans are collapsing into a uni-dimensional point in increasing numbers, as more and more of our nation's fatties reach their Chandrasekhar Limit.
If you are spending time reading these...
...but have never read "The Fountainhead" by Ayn Rand, you are probably an American.
Did you know?
Daddy doesn't have sex with Mommy any more. But don't feel bad for mommy, your uncle still does.
19th century novels increasingly dated
In "Little Men" by Louisa May Alcott, the boy's room is set on fire when a smoldering cigar sets it ablaze. But now cigarettes go out if not smoked, and carpets and drapes are fire retardent.
Doctor dies following Bible
Taking the popular verse, "Physician, heal thyself" literally, Dr. Trowbridge died while perfoming an appendectomy on himself.
"24" TV show found to be foolish
"I've never once had a situation where I had to torture someone to stop a bomb from going off", said Agent Obvious. "If the bomb was going to go off that fast, they'd only have to lie once to win."
Nudist joke quite popular
10 days after a spoof writer published a joke about the hole in the nudist colony fence with police "looking into it", another writer published the same joke. No bad motive is assumed.
Your Significant Other is tired of you reading these to her
"If I hear one more 'snippet' I'll scream!", reported your significant other. "Who cares about snippets? Besides, I think the authors are rating their own snippets, they just can't be that popular."
Mooby World stock down 14 and 3/8th
Upon the announcement that their entire board of directors, but one, had been slaughtered by the Angel of Death, their stock plummeted over 14 points. Trading resumed today, but was sluggish.
Homeless man tries honesty
An area homeless man tried honesty yesterday, and held up a "Will mooch for booze" sign. Driver's every where poured in donations to him, just for his refreshing honesty.
Middles school girl concerned
A 15 year old was concerned when her Health teacher had her stay late. He went over "bad touches" again, though she'd already passed that. And he demonstrated. "Better safe than sorry.", he said.
i sues the AMA
Lower case i has sued the American Mathematical Association for the pain and suffering attendent in being refered to as "imaginary". "If I'm so imaginary, how come they use me all the time?", said i.
It was ill advised to upset your roommate
You probably didn't notice it, but when you brushed your teeth this morning, your roommate was chuckling inside. After last night's arguement, he dipped your brush in the toilet.
Wilburforce still pissed on
William Wilburforce, generally regarded by the world as having personally ended the slave trade, is still pissed on by the Yanks, as they continue to glorify the racist Lincoln.
Man date rapes wrong woman
As it happens, her brother is a 6'5'', 260 pound mass of flaming, homosexual sadomasochistic muscle. He'll be visiting Mr. "No means Yes" tonight.
"Yes, I ate Lindy Chamberlain's baby Azaria", said Rover, a wild dingo. "I let that dumb bitch take the fall, too, and even when they let her go, I still let it be in doubt. I just hate Adventists."
Anna Nicole Smith, humanitarian
While little known, she had in her will the leaving of her breasts to the Dairymen's Association of America. Their geneticists have spliced her tits with cow udders to produce more milk than ever.
Man never thought he'd be writing in, but...
...he just has to share to Penthouse about the time when he went to the library for a book, and it was closing, but the Head Librarian let him in. She looked him up and down and... (cont. P. 34).
Hooker gets off solicitation charge
A prostitute got off her solicitation charge after claiming she was playing a Halloween trick or treat. "He treated me, so I gave him a trick," she said.
Hatred of wife gives life time of pain to child
A man bitterly resentful over his wife getting pregnant, has secretly vowed to himself that the child will be named "Melvin", though this will guarantee daily beatings from K through 12.
Some kids jested, and got arrested
Kids who ordered, with a song,
Found that rappin' orders, sure is wrong.
They saw it on YouTube, thought "it's cool",
But to rap in Utah, you gotta be a fool.
Micky D's had 'em arrested. Word.
Understanding university degrees
BS stands for Bull shit, MS stands for More shit, and PhD stands for Piled higher and deeper.
You are a lousy cheater
It's great that you remembered to wipe your penis off afterwards, but you forgot to wash your hands. Do you think your wife didn't notice, you being known to dislike tuna fish?
Your kid is gay
Sources close to your 16 year old boy have revealed that he's gay. The fact that he's on the wrestling team, has muscle mags under his mattress, and shaves his chest hair should have tipped you off.
MDA to march on Washington
10,000 members of America's largest dyslexia support group, "Mothers Against Dyslexia" are to march on Washington next week. The MDA insists on more now funding.
Obama Vs. The FOX!
FOX News/President Obama says that President Obama/FOX News is planning for the overthrow of America!
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